Unsolicited advice to men

OK. So that guy that I was supposed to spend the whole weekend for Passover and Easter?

Ummm...Not so much.

Can you spell passive aggressive? Cripes.

Moody, arrogant, mean, angry and passive aggressive are the words that come to mind immediately and I'm sure there are a wide variety of other words that would probably work equally well.

I will not go into details to protect the innocent and also the not-so-innocent, but suffice it to say that it did not end on a pretty note. I recall him saying something (in front of his children) to me that I was a "waste of time" and I'm pretty sure he called me a "loser." Which, of course, is obsurd. I'm far from being anything close to those two things.

Which leads me to this post. Dating sucks. Most men? You are idiots. Not all men, but most of you? Need a looooong look in the mirror and also? By the way? Could use a load of therapy to get over your mommy issues and your fake over-confidence to compensate for your own feelings of inadequacy.

I've been through loads of therapy. I've got self-esteem issues like every other human on the planet. I'm not perfect. FAAAR from it, but I'm WILLING to work on myself and to recognize my shortcomings. I'm also willing to apologize when I'm wrong. Sheesh. It's not that hard, kids. It's really not.

Now, I'm not one of those "angry" types. I'm not a man-hater. On the contrary! I ADORE men! Just love them. However, most of you really, really need to work on a few things. So here's the unsolicited advice:

1 - Three words that mean a lot (no, not THOSE three words!): "How are you?"

And wait for the answer. Listen. Stop thinking about your OWN agenda. Stop and actually think about what the woman in your life is SAYING to to. We are verbal creatures. Take five effing minutes and LISTEN to her. She'll love you for it even more.

2 - Compliment her on ONE thing every day. It can be the cooking, now nice the house looks, her pretty hair, her nice eyes, her skin, her outfit, now great she is with the kids, how hard she works...Anything! Just get out of your own HEAD for three seconds and take a look around you and appreciate one little thing every day. She will really love you for it.

3 - Tell her about YOUR day. Don't be all angry and stressed out and quiet and moody and shit when you arrive home at the end of the day. If you feel cranky, TELL her. If you feel like you need some time to yourself, just SAY so. This leads to the next item:

4 - Don't ASSUME we know what the EFF you are thinking. WORDS. Use your words.

5 - Don't assume that if you have money, power, or both, that we will take your verbal or physical abuse. Women are better than that. You don't have any right to treat a woman as anything less than your equal. Many of you are in situations where you are actually with a woman who is WAY better than you and you should feel LUCKY that she sticks around and takes your shit.

6 - Treat others kindly. Women love men who are nice to others and who root for the underdog. Do the right thing. Be a nice person.

7 - Learn what empathy means. If you can't be empathetic right away, learn the trick of "mirroring" which involves you actually listening and using your words.

8 - News flash! You are not the center of the universe! Hah! Nope. It's not you. Never has been, never will be. You're a little tiny being just like the rest of us.

9 - Be kind to the elderly. They've earned it. (This goes for everyone.) Even if they are cranky and set in their ways and do things that you hate? They still have earned your respect.

10 - Don't assume that because you are brilliantly smart and rich and talented, that other people's opinions and knowledge are to be questioned. Again, this involves listening.

11 - Teach your children to respect the opposite sex. Yes, men and women are different. But, I believe in much of the world, because women are objectified, that boys are taught a terrible lesson about women. That lesson is that women are not equally smart or determined and that we have less to offer this world than men.

12 - Never wear sock with sandals. Ever.

Next one? Is sexual in nature...

THIS IS NOT FOR MY PARENTS OR ANYONE UNDER 18 TO READ!

I mean it. Don't read this if you don't want to hear about something on the physical side of the spectrum of man/woman relationships...

I mean it.

I really mean it!

You have been warned! WARNED!

This is the last warning...

13, 14 & 15 - Learn some shit. LEARN some shit. Find out about women's bodies and their anatomy. Lots of us women love sex and we love all that stuff that goes with it. HOWEVER! Men? Really? 45 seconds and it's over? REALLY? ASK her what she likes! Learn to give her an orgasm. LEARN it. It's NOT that difficult! I'm serious. Why do you think there are 75 million toys in the sex store for women and there are WAAAAY fewer fake va-jay-jays and that stuff? You know why? Learn why.

Ok. Rant is over now. I feel much better.

I hope I didn't offend anyone out there. Sorry if I did, but that's what blogging is all about, right?

Oh, and Happy Easter. Sheesh. This seems sacrilegious to put up today. It can wait until tomorrow!