Long time, no post!

Christmas pretty.

So much has happened since my last posting. It's been 5 months and that's like 50 years in Alaska time.

Let's see. Where to begin?

Two different lawsuits regarding two very different matters. Both are resolved, thankfully.

My old housemate fell off the proverbial wagon. He not only fell off, he jumped off with a resounding CRASH and BURN and the drama of that whole situation at the end of July/beginning of August just about did me in emotionally.

He moved out (THANK GOD ALMIGHTY) and left me to pay the rent on my own for August and September.

Then I had to move out. Another move. Three moves in a little more than two years.

UGH.

Talk about emotional and physical drain. I'm STILL recuperating from all the changes I've endured.

Between the high cost of living here, paying movers, trying to work as much as possible and find a meaningful full-time gig, two lawsuits and just trying to be a person, I'm DRAINED.

Financially and in every other way.

Now, it's the holidays, of course. We're all supposed to be cozy and comfy and surrounded by family and the perfect tree and 2.5 children and ho, ho, ho.

I'm trying. I really am. I am making special Christmas cards that make me giggle, but I find that certainly the lack of sun and the location of my new housing situation (I live with a most wonderful family that has been utterly beyond generous and kind to me during this very odd time in my life) - I'm getting the winter doldrums more than I have in years.

I turn on that S.A.D. light and listen to happy music and focus on all of the things I'm grateful for, but - you know? Sometimes? It just gets to me.

When I think of "home," I think of my house on Derby Street. And my puppy dogs that I miss all the time. I miss boaty and that feeling of security that I felt there for so long.

This was the view from my driveway.

My beloved stove.

Lady and Koty and the ex on our beloved boaty.

Fun at Halloween.

My Sadie girl.

I miss my little Phoebe.

When I think back on the holidays I also remember my Aunt Bob and Uncle Sis and how we'd all look forward to seeing Bobby when he could make it back from Colorado. We'd all be together at their house and have that jello with the cream cheese in it (blech) and we'd eat and the adults would drink Asti Spumante and my Mom ALWAYS gave Grandpa Vern a bottle of Akadama plum wine. We'd play "Dit-dot-doe" - which is what my Mom called the game "Sorry" - or "One Card."

I'm not sure if life was simpler 35 years ago or if I've just gotten wiser to how hard life can be. It's really tough being alone at 50+. In a million years I'd never have envisioned being single and having to make a go of it all by myself.

~~~~~~

The last two years have been such times of uncertainty for me. And I know I'm not alone in that. The economy and job scene are not easy for a lot of us.

And I CERTAINLY know I've got it so much better than hundreds of thousands of people in the United States, and WAAAAY better than millions that live elsewhere.

There's that guilt that comes sometimes when I'm worried about my damn bills and how I'm gonna make ends meet THIS month - and then I look around me at this warm house, a fridge overflowing with food, my car that is now operable thanks to the kindness of family and friends who've helped me, a closet full of clothes, and on and on the list goes.

So many of us get caught up in the worrying that we forget to live today. We don't have the 1st of January yet. My bills will be due, but I'll find a way to pay them. I'm trying to remain positive and keep hope that something really good is around the corner.

I hope this post doesn't sound too Debbie Downer for all of you who are enjoying the holiday season. I generally ADORE the holidays and the sparkle lights and the songs and the camaraderie that abound this time of the year. I'm just having a time of it over here ... missing all that is familiar. My family, my friends and my old life. I was so very settled in Salem up until my dogs decided to die and then my divorce and having to sell my beloved home.

I'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I guess my point today is that sometimes the holidays are exceptionally hard for some people for a million different reasons.

Change is in the air. I'm just hoping that 2017 will bring positive change for all.

Learning a LOT in Alaska

A quote by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Ok. So I've not blogged in quite some time. Life gets in the way and those pesky bills and all that rot. It's been a money-sucking roller coaster of a ride for me in the last year. I've made a lot of money but it finds its way out of my pocket immediately. I will spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say it involved lawyers.

'Nuff said.

Kayaking on Portage Lake with a small iceberg from Portage Glacier. That's some cool stuff!

What I really want to talk about are the blog posts where I complained about Alaskans and their use of the term "outsiders" and referring to other people as people from the "Outside" and the separate-ness with which Alaskans carry themselves.

Well. Now I find that I am a transplant, yes. However, I have become involved in the affairs of Alaska, the politics, the people the different cultures and then running into the "outsiders" myself. The outsiders complain about the rain.

Alaskans were so thankful for the rain so it would put out the wildfire that was raging at McHugh Creek and beyond. We were also thankful for the rain to water the beautiful diverse plants, trees and birds and other critters that needed it so desperately after it was so hot and dry for weeks.

The outsiders complain about the homeless people and look down at them.

Alaskans understand that it's a complex issue that involves the native cultures in the interior, mental health going unchecked, incest, rape, violence, physical and mental abuse, lack of education, lack of modern conveniences, lack of good health care available out in the interior, lack of money ... The list is huge and they're all intertwined with each other and it's not a problem that can be solved easily or quickly.

Slowly the "system" is catching on that the solution is not to arrest people who are in terrible mental and physical shape. The answer is to get them help. Proper services.

Escapism is the name of the game here, kids. If you suffered multiple rapes by your grandfather, uncles, your own father, brothers and beyond–might you self-medicate? I'd say YES.

When there's no way out - you have no money, no transportation, no way to even call for help? What do you think you'd do?

I know for sure I'd not judge someone for self-medicating when they have literally NO options.

Unless you've lived here and seen it for yourself, stop with the judging and angry blame game.

You see, I'm friends with several natives who are from different cultures. Aleut, Inuit, Yu'pik, Inupiaq, Athabascan, Tlingit and more. All have their own cultural difference - language, dress, subsistence living practices ...

Alaska is VERY complex. The environment here is not like any other state in the United States. We have more in common here with the northern reaches of Canada, Scandinavia and Iceland than the other 49.

As such the needs of Alaska are different than the other 49. Yet, Alaska finds itself under-represented in caucuses, conventions and anything else political except the Senate. Even the voting is depressing in national elections. The results are on television before most even head to the polls. Alaskans feel like their vote just doesn't matter.

Isn't that terrible? That 4 hour time difference is really crappy for Alaska. We know who won, so why bother?  Can't blame the people here for feeling utterly left out.

Yes, we have few people, but what Alaska lacks in humans we make up for by sheer size and environmental resources that are being exploited by companies that are NOT owned or run by Alaskans. Alaska and the people herein feel very used by the United States, England and other countries that come here - take a foothold - and then abandon Alaska the minute things get tough.

I cannot tell you how many people I know who've recently lost their jobs, their homes - EVERYTHING. They were forced to get in their car and just drive away with whatever they could carry. This includes some of our military and their families. 5000 troops were cut. See ya. Good luck. Multiply that by their wives, husbands, children - all the money that removes from the Alaskan economy. It's a HUGE impact.

Life is hard everywhere. Yes.

Life is harder in Alaska. I know this to be true. I am living proof.

But it sure is beautiful.

Thanks for reading. Ciao for now. Go hug a tree or kiss your dog or look at a pretty bird.

And for the love of all that is HOLY, please stop saying the word Trump. The man is utterly ridiculous and is making a mockery of our entire country.

Blogging In a Fog!

This is Karen and me. We were probably four or five years old here.
This was one of the puppies our neighbor dog, Spooky, brought to my house to show us.
Spooky was an incredible dog.
My goodness we were cute! Still are, if you ask me.

Lady and Koty were in love at first sight. Inseparable.

 Hi. It's not foggy out at all. My brain is foggy because I've done nothing but copy edit for the last five days. Read read read read and then edit edit edit edit. Oy.

I've also been house-, dog- and cat-sitting for a week and a half so I've not even been home which adds another layer of "Huh?!" to my world. I wake up in a different bed (which sounds racy, but I assure you it's not) and I've got to reconstruct where the hell I am TODAY when my eyes finally focus!

Right now I'm with fabulous Mr. Blazer! He's the sweetest nicest boy - with the white face and soulful eyes. He really looks like a beagle on steroids with smaller ears than normal. He probably weighs close to 100 pounds and is just starved for attention. Lucky for him the neighbor is my pal Kathy who takes him out for walks and stays with him when his momma is out of town for her job.

Kathy is just one of those people you meet along the way who will absolutely break her neck to do something nice for others - especially if they are four-legged and furry! She's got a heart the size of the Grand Canyon and is just a hoot and a half. She's almost my Momma's age but you'd never know it given her schedule! She's always - and I do mean ALWAYS on the go. Cleans for people at their houses and businesses, walks a bevy of dogs each day (including Mr. B) and house- and pet-sits for countless people.

I can barely keep up with her!

In any case, I've just finished copy editing my first full-length book. I can't disclose the author or subject matter just yet, but it's a reference book that will be in the Library of Congress and I'm just about bursting that my name will be at all related to it. My name. In the Library of Congress. That's some shit, man.

The feeling of pride I have keeping true to my heart; knowing that if I worked really hard and stuck to what I KNOW I am able to do - I KNEW it would all work out for me somehow.

I've got a lot of faith in the universe, karma, God - however you want to call it. I know I'm a good person and that I've got so much to offer. I'm not afraid of the hard choices or to speak up for myself these days!

And the reason for that? Well, there are many - but the REAL reason is that I have the world's best friends and family. I really do. I love all of you so much it kind of hurts sometimes.

I miss you all terribly and look forward to the snippets when I get to be with all of you.

I know a lot of my family and some friends were and still might be concerned for me. I appreciate it so much. Knowing you all care is all I need! I know you all think I might slip back into that dark place I was a few years ago.

Nope. Ain't gonna happen. I like myself for the first time in my life. I appreciate the skills I've garnered and professional relationships I've forged. I appreciate the legislation I helped make to protect the whales and fish and birds off the coast of Massachusetts and beyond.

Hell, I look at my resume and I wonder who the HELL is that person? She's pretty accomplished! Wow. I'd like to meet that person!

After all that I've been through in the last three years I deserve a bit of a break, don't you think? Between my second and third husbands most women would have melted into a puddle. Boy, that asshole third husband... What a creep, right? The ONLY thing I miss about him is the dog. Poor Beebles.

So, today is a day of reflection for me. Today is husband #2's 42nd birthday. I wish him happiness.

It's also the three year anniversary of me selling and moving out of my house on Derby Street. Crazy shit.

It's also when I started my unexpected journey into therapy and getting brutally honest with myself and everyone else. I know a lot of you didn't like the "new" me; the undepressed me. Well, I ain't sorry for the shift I've gone through. I'm strong as an ox and super proud that I won't be told how to be in the world.

I got very tired of the "is that what you're wearing?" Or, "if you'd wear your hair up, you'd look much prettier." Or, "what did you do today? Did you exercise?" That was my favorite.

Did I exercise?

Let's see. I walked our two dogs for 30 minutes, twice. Did the woodwork on the boat, polished the boat, cleaned the house, tended and watered our gardens, went to a client's and gardened, made dinner and did some laundry. Oh, and I made you lunch and walked it down.

Yeah. I had a TON of time to get on the elliptical and "exercise."

Ugh.

He made me feel so horrible about myself. He actually once told me that making fun of me and watching me eat and monitoring everything I did was "fun" for him.

It was that moment that I knew I needed to get the hell away from him.

Can you imagine telling someone that making someone else feel inferior was "fun?"

I sure hope he remembers he did that stuff to me. I also sure hope his new wife doesn't put up with that kind of crap.

As for Mr. Sunshine, I'm afraid he's just doomed to be unhappy. He has no intention of ever getting help or getting honest about his utter lack of empathy and the black hole in his chest where his heart should be.

I also sure as hell hope this man NEVER lies to lure another woman into his vacant world. Karma. It's real. You'll find out.
__________________________________________________________

This day is also one of reflection for me as I wrap up the book job and the dog-sitting job here...

My pal of pals is going through a terrible thing today. RIP Talu. I'm so so so sorry. I wish I could take the pain of this away, but there is no way.

This is Sadie. One of the sweetest beings ever to be born.

Lady, Koty and Sadie are still always on my mind all these years later. As are Neshi, and all of my Mom's and Dad's dogs; all of the doggies and kitties and birds at my Aunt and Uncle's house; Aunt Sis's dogs, Grandma and Grandpa's dogs...All of my friends and their wonderful pets.

It's God's cruellest trick - to give us these critters that love us no matter - and then they go away far too soon.

It's the worst pain I've endured, for sure. And, yes. We all know it gets easier over time, but once in a while there's a really really special critter that comes into your life. When they go - like when my Lady and Koty died - a bit of my heart just will never be the same.

Even my Aunt's dog, Serena - I cried almost as hard over her as I did when my own dogs died. Her dog, Lily is super special, too. Just something about her...

My Mom's dog, Jack - he's a particularly sensitive little munchkin. He's blind and diabetic, bless his little soul.

Another one that springs to mind is my friend Erika's dog Bear. I call him my Bear-ito because I could just eat him up he's so sweet to me.

Another special one is Callie - a blonde border Collie. She's SUCH a special dog and has the best moms in the world.

And of course, Talu. She is just such a great great dog. Regal and amazing and smart. I'm so very sad you have to go through this, Karen. Sending you love. I will always be on Team Tallulah.

________________________________________________________

So, anyway. I'm having one of those emotional days - which is totally fine.

I wish I had all the money in the world so I could fly everywhere and comfort my friends and family who need me for good or sad occasions.

I'd also use that money to create a giant sanctuary for any critter who needs TLC. I'd make it into a retreat center for people who also need TLC. Nothing makes a person feel better than helping feed an orphaned baby otter or sloth or elephant that needs 24 hour care!

I've got nothing more to report other than I'm going to take a drive today to sit by the ocean and look for marine critters and birds. I need a nature day to refresh my weary body and mind.

Thanks for reading.

Ciao for now and GO PET YOUR CRITTERS!!

Beware Pickpockets and Loose Women!

Hey everybody! I'm coming up for air finally! Woooo hoooo!

The show, Lounge Lizards, is underway and going SO well. The actors, the music, the food, the theatre, the publicity - all of it is going better than we'd ever hoped or imagined about a week ago!

If you know anyone in the Anchorage area, please tell them to check out the Anchorage Dinner Theatre at the Anchorage Lofts Hotel in downtown Anchorage (4th Avenue and C Street). Loads of parking in the garage across the street and on 3rd there is a lot, as well.

Live music after the show in the bar attached to our theatre! We were dancing until midnight last night after the opening of the show!

Also worth mentioning, we are still trying to raise funds to be able to pay our actors every week and to cover the cost of all the infrastructure (lights, building a stage, sound board, props, costumes, printing and publicity costs...really adds up!) So, if you're in a position to help out a VERY fine production and a talented group of starving artists, please visit our Go Fund Me page:

https://www.gofundme.com/akdinnertheatre

Thank you in advance!

Amazing what a week of rehearsals can do when you're working with such a talented group of professionals. Shout out to Julia, Arthur, Sarah and Devin and our great behind-the-scenes people - Ron, David, Rich, Jenn, Dave and so many others.

Being a part of this production has been a wonderful experience and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to participate in any way. Being named an associate producer is humbling and I strive to live up to everyone's expectations.

Now, enough gushing about this awesome stuff...

I love me some Colin Firth.

So, there are a few men who've gotten my attention. They're all married (of course), but they are still the object of my affection from afar.

There are two men who do not live here that are single and if they lived here, I'd certainly love to be the someone special of either of them. They're both fantastic people. However, one lives in Seattle and the other lives near Boston, so I'm SOL with that!

It's kind of funny. Age does not seem to be the defining factor. Or vocation. Or even political affiliation (which is a shocker).

I forget this young man's name, he was on American Idol a while back. Adorable.

Being a single woman in Alaska is sort of like living in a man factory. It's totally fascinating and strange, for sure.

The women of Alaska have an awesome saying that certainly rings true - "The odds are good? Yes. But the goods? ARE ODD!"

And we all joke that it's a joke, but it ain't no joke! The men who have lived here a long time or who were born and raised here are just different than most of the men you'd meet in the lower 48. And yes, we do say that and it pertains perfectly to the sitch in Alaska.

You have to go through international airspace to get here. That makes us unique in the United States.

So, yes, the men of the lower 48 are different, for sure. Rarely do you meet men like you do EVERY DAY in Alaska. They're effing tough as nails and know how to do just about everything - build stuff, hunt for stuff, chop wood, fix cars, fishing, play music (everyone plays at least one instrument) - they're really manly men who do manly things.

The only people I can really compare to the guys here are all my fisher/captain friends on the East Coast and they boys in Michigan and Wisconsin. Those Midwestern guys are very similar to the Alaskan boys and that's probably why I'm so drawn to some of the fellas here. It's all very familiar to me and sends me back to my girlhood in Michigan!

And I love me some Jeff Bridges.

Matthew ain't too shabby, either.

I suppose there are men like that in the West, too - cowboy types. We see quite a few cowboys here in Alaska and they just exude manliness. They're not my type but I can understand why so many women are drawn to them. Same with the biker dudes. I have some women friends here who get all hot and bothered when they see a tough looking dude with tattoos everywhere and long hair decked out in leather. Not my type at all, but I get the idea of why they're attractive to certain women.

Same thing goes for guys in uniform. Military, firefighters, policemen, you name it. I don't know ANY women who don't like that! Vrooom vroom!

So, there's no point at all to this post other than to say - if you're a single woman in your 30s, 40s, 50s or beyond? Just sayin'.

Ciao for now & thanks for reading!

Vroomm vrooom!

xoxo

Karma and Fortitude

Angel clouds are super common here. So beautiful.

Typical sunset over Cook Inlet. It never stops being beautiful.

 So, I know I’ve been remiss in the bloggity world lately. I’ve got 850 good reasons for it, none of which – I’m happy to report – have anything to do with the LAST reason I failed to blog for long stretches. Most of you that know me remember the horrid period of time when I was not quite myself – after the grief of losing a husband, two dogs, my house, my beautiful friend, Marcel and then my wonderful Grandma all in less than a year.

It was not the year of me. Nor was last year the year of me. Good heavens with the crappy stuff.

After going through these particularly nasty experiences, it’s kind of amazing to realize ones own fortitude. Everyone endures some horrible things; however, not everyone fares so well in the wake of said horrid things.

The first go-round a few years back, I just caved into the sadness and pressure and losses. I lost myself in the dark place that we all fear might lurk somewhere in the recesses of our brains.

The second go-round this past year with Mr. Sunshine and his pathological lying and cheating and disgusting all-around misogynistic creepy behavior? Well, I did not own that. I did not get lost in the dark place again. I did not give in to being fearful of the unknown or being over here in Alaska by myself.

I certainly had my moments of tears and sadness and utter confusion as to why on EARTH someone so terrible would want to hurt a nice person like me and his children and his ex-wife and co-workers... It’s still confusing because I never did anything to this dude to warrant his nasty, selfish and hurtful behavior.

So, I got rid of the creep and never looked back. Not one time did I ever hold out belief that it might work out or that he’d see the light and error of his ways.

Nope. I got on the horn, got the information I needed and then proceeded to sue him for divorce. I’m nobody’s victim and I’m not about to start acting like it.

As many of you know, Mr. Sunshine was completely un-hire-able in Alaska. His disgusting behavior at his workplace and in his personal life (which, the two intermingled, but that’s a story for another time) FINALLY caught up to him after his workplace had been investigating him on several counts over the course of 5 years.

Interesting, don't cha think?

Somehow, the more he failed - invited to “resign” from his job - that all became MY fault. I got the blame for all the woes that befell upon this cretin. FIVE YEARS of investigations to gather more than enough evidence to boot you and that’s MY fault?

The audacity and utter entitlement this old dude had still confounds me. I don’t know how a person can be so completely shameless; taking absolutely ZERO responsibility for their own bad behavior and TERRIBLE decision-making.

Well, let me introduce you to Mr. Sunshine.

The man is a legend in his own mind. Now he’s got some meaningless little job in NoWhereVille, Oregon.

GOOD RIDDANCE.

Karma. She’s awesome, in my book.

So, that brings me to the present. I’m living in a gorgeous apartment on Lake Hood. Mountains all around. Moosies and birds in my yard all the time. Walking distance to anything you’d want. I’ve got a few awesome jobs – the most recent of which is what inspired this post.

Well, again, as many of you know, I’ve gotten myself involved in the arts scene here in Anchorage since it’s near and dear to me and my family. My parents are both artists of various sorts and I was brought up in an environment filled with fine art, music, dancing, theatre and more.

Lucky, is what I was to have such interesting people around me all the time.

I feel confident now that I can announce this new venture without jinxing it – I was asked by the Executive Producer/Director of this show to be the Associate Producer last week. I’ve been working on this as a publicity/props/helper person for a few weeks and now the director promoted me last week to associate producer.

I’m kind of bursting, nervous and excited for the whole thing. The actors are superb, the venue is great and the show is hilarious! We giggle through every rehearsal! I’ve seen and/or heard the show over a dozen times already and it does not get old…

Look us up online. We’re the Anchorage Dinner Theatre produced by Last Gasp Productions. The first show is called Lounge Lizards, and, in the wise words of Wayne and Garth, “… Party time! Excellent! Dodododllleodoodldooodlellooodldoo! …”

Tonight is the soft opening of the show with lots of friends and family and industry people. It’s been such a learning experience to work with such a talented group of humans and I’m excited for this first run. We’re running this show every Friday, Saturday and Sunday through February 21 … So be sure to look us up if you’re in the Anchorage area. Fine dining and a VERY whacky show for a VERY reasonable price!

As I asked my Momma to do this morning, “Tell me to break a leg” if you see me today!

What the hell have I gotten myself into?!!

Last but certainly not least, we can always use help with funding to pay our fine actors and crew, so if you’ve got a nice tax refund on the way or maybe some extra moolah weighing down your wallet, we have a Go Fund Me page HERE!

Ciao for now & thanks for reading!

xooxo

Happy 2016 and Other Stuff

Happy 2016 everyone! Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I’ve been overwhelmingly busy with writing, copy editing, flower/plant jobs and now I’m onto a new venture that I’ll talk about more when I’ve got the details mapped out.

Suffice it to say that it’s exciting, involves writing and theatre!

Onward and upward!

So, yesterday was a weird day.

I set my alarm for 8:00 a.m. as I was supposed to be at the office to do my copy editing at 9:00 a.m. Well, in my extreme-tired-fogginess, I forgot to turn the damn alarm ON.

Ugh.

I hate the feeling of awaking, seeing the clock and going into an immediate panic knowing that you’re already late and there’s NOTHING you can do except show up late and look like a noodlehead.

Oversleeping is something I rarely do. This morning? I could sleep in all I wanted, but then, of course, my brain starts going zoom zoom zoom–the minute I even start fluttering my eyeballs open.

Which brings me to the fact that I’ve been working now for over three hours and it’s only 10:00 a.m. Alaska Standard Time. (We have our own time zone, for heaven’s sake!)

So if it’s 10:00 a.m. MY time, that makes it 2:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Now, I’ve lived in Alaska for about one year and seven months. That’s not a drop in the bucket, but it’s truly not that long at all considering the entire rest of my life was spent in Michigan or Massachusetts. There were some major travels to Europe and Africa and whatnot during those other 48.4 years, but for the most part I’ve been glued to Eastern Standard Time.

There is a constant adjustment for me to get used to the facts that: 

#1 – The ocean is on the wrong side; 

#2 – Alaska is REALLY far from everything; 

#3 – There’s a four hour time difference from what my body is used to, and; 

#4 ­– I’m no longer living near the 45^th parallel.

That last one might sound strange if you’ve never considered where you live in the Northern Hemisphere. I’ve generally hovered about midway between the equator and the North Pole. Ish.

Now I’m living on the 61^st parallel. It’s weird. It’s totally different. We had the full moon over Christmas and it was very odd. It doesn’t rise and set like the moon does when you’re 16 degrees lower in latitude. It’s kinda like it just spins in a fairly small circle above your head.

Same with sunrise and sunset at this time of year. It rises almost more South than East. And then it sets in the West. It’s a low, odd arc–blinding at about 3pm if you’re driving on a South/East facing road.

There’s a big shift in mood here, too, once the days start getting longer. People are cheerier, more outgoing, friendlier. There’s a lot of anger and strife before the equinox in the winter. There were a few people I consider to be extra good friends who were giving me some major grief (and it’s entirely possible I was doing something to deserve it) before the New Year.

I’m back to being good friends with two of the people, but that third one? I have no idea what the hell happened there. There's something she decided she didn’t like about me all of a sudden. And she’s keeping up the code of silence. Odd thing is she asked some people how I was doing …

I find that strange. If you really cared, you’d call me yourself. Don’t go asking around about me as if you truly care. If you really cared you wouldn’t have shut me off and told me that I was unwelcome in your life all of a sudden.

The thing that really gets me is that this person was really wonderful to me and then just flipped some imaginary switch and utterly and completely stopped talking, texting, calling or otherwise being my friend. She used to show up at my house all the time. She’d invite me over to her house. She’d meet me for a glass of wine or lunch.

How do you go from being around someone 3-5 times per week to NEVER and then suddenly not return any phone calls or texts?

I obviously am still struggling to understand her motivations or actions.

I will say this though: if she thinks–for one minute–that she’s going to be my friend again at some point? Nope. I don’t like flip-switchy people. If you’re going to completely cut me out of your existence? That’s really not nice and not how friends treat each other. At least that’s not how I treat MY friends.

And if there’s something wrong or something bothering you?

USE YOUR WORDS, pumpkin.

The silent treatment is a form of passive-aggressive behavior and I have no room for it in my life.

My ex-husband was a flip-switchy passive aggressive creep.  I don’t need “friends” who are going to engage in that same kind of co-dependent infantile behavior.

I was feeling terribly sad about this for the last few weeks. Now I’m just confused.

I will report that there was one person with whom I was “fighting”–which is not what we were doing, really–but we are no longer harboring those negative feelings. Anywho, this one person and I had a misunderstanding and then it got blown all out of proportion by getting a couple other people involved in the stupid drama.  

Drama amplifies exponentially the more humans that get involved. It’s a fact!

So, I took it upon myself to talk with him–in person, alone–on several occasions. We worked it out and I feel like we’re even better friends than we were before. We were able to USE OUR WORDS to express our feelings. He was feeling hurt and I was, too. And feeling hurt is a totally different animal than feeling angry.

Which is what brings me to the thing here. Over the course of my life I’ve realized that there were too many times I bit my tongue. Too many times I let things slide or ignored a mean comment or taken more than my fair share of shit from certain people.

I’m not playing that game any more. It’s too hurtful and it just does nothing but fester and then cause resentments and then, inevitably, the end of a friendship, marriage or job.

As I’ve said numerous times, being kind does not include being a doormat. If you are going to treat me with kindness and respect, you can–100% of the time–expect the same from me.

If you’re going to be nice to me, say 90% of the time? Well, what the hell? Why would I put up with 10% of your shit and turn around and be nice to you?

When I was in therapy, my therapist asked that question of me a lot. She would point out that if someone is nice to you 364 days of the year, but then there’s that one day that they’re crappy to you (on purpose, not someone having a crappy day–there’s a big difference)? Well, you run around in circles for this person because you’re constantly fearing that one day that they’ll be crappy to you. You never know when that one day will come.

Walking on eggshells is how I describe it.

My second and third marriages were like that. Constant fear of being told I wasn’t good enough or productive enough or skinny enough or hard-working enough.

Why the HELL would you want to be around a person who has made it their job to tell you how inadequate you are? Why on EARTH would I want someone to make me feel bad about myself?

You wanna know the answer? Because the answer is tough.

The answer is:

You teach people how to treat you.

If you don’t feel you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect? You’ll definitely find someone who will treat you in the shitty way you think you deserve.

I have no idea why Mr. Sunshine wanted to marry me other than he like the green color of my money and he liked to have sex. (Sorry Mom and Dad.)

The man spent much of his time telling me how much he doubted everything I told him. He doubted that I had done real estate development with husband #2. He doubted that I knew how to operate and navigate a boat. He doubted that I had actually met and worked with some well-known politicians (even though I have the letters and pictures to prove it). He doubted that I knew what I was doing as far as gardening or making a go of my gardening business.

He doubted that I was as smart and awesome and talented as I proved that I was.

It drove him crazy that I make friends quickly. That I am flirtatious. That I’m funny. That I’m a nice person. That I make mistakes and apologize for them.

My successes somehow equaled his failure.

That’s some crazy shit.

Can you imagine purporting to love someone and then sit around hoping they’ll fail?

I cannot fathom that.

So, this is the stuff that rattles around my psyche when I’ve had too much sleep and got up waaaay too early!

I’ll write more when I have time. Just not a lot of time right now.

Hope this finds all of you healthy and happy!

And welcome home to my beloved cousins–back from a deployment in Afghanistan!

Here’s to a kick-ass 2016.

Ciao for now. Thanks for reading.

xoxo