Karma and Fortitude

Angel clouds are super common here. So beautiful.

Typical sunset over Cook Inlet. It never stops being beautiful.

 So, I know I’ve been remiss in the bloggity world lately. I’ve got 850 good reasons for it, none of which – I’m happy to report – have anything to do with the LAST reason I failed to blog for long stretches. Most of you that know me remember the horrid period of time when I was not quite myself – after the grief of losing a husband, two dogs, my house, my beautiful friend, Marcel and then my wonderful Grandma all in less than a year.

It was not the year of me. Nor was last year the year of me. Good heavens with the crappy stuff.

After going through these particularly nasty experiences, it’s kind of amazing to realize ones own fortitude. Everyone endures some horrible things; however, not everyone fares so well in the wake of said horrid things.

The first go-round a few years back, I just caved into the sadness and pressure and losses. I lost myself in the dark place that we all fear might lurk somewhere in the recesses of our brains.

The second go-round this past year with Mr. Sunshine and his pathological lying and cheating and disgusting all-around misogynistic creepy behavior? Well, I did not own that. I did not get lost in the dark place again. I did not give in to being fearful of the unknown or being over here in Alaska by myself.

I certainly had my moments of tears and sadness and utter confusion as to why on EARTH someone so terrible would want to hurt a nice person like me and his children and his ex-wife and co-workers... It’s still confusing because I never did anything to this dude to warrant his nasty, selfish and hurtful behavior.

So, I got rid of the creep and never looked back. Not one time did I ever hold out belief that it might work out or that he’d see the light and error of his ways.

Nope. I got on the horn, got the information I needed and then proceeded to sue him for divorce. I’m nobody’s victim and I’m not about to start acting like it.

As many of you know, Mr. Sunshine was completely un-hire-able in Alaska. His disgusting behavior at his workplace and in his personal life (which, the two intermingled, but that’s a story for another time) FINALLY caught up to him after his workplace had been investigating him on several counts over the course of 5 years.

Interesting, don't cha think?

Somehow, the more he failed - invited to “resign” from his job - that all became MY fault. I got the blame for all the woes that befell upon this cretin. FIVE YEARS of investigations to gather more than enough evidence to boot you and that’s MY fault?

The audacity and utter entitlement this old dude had still confounds me. I don’t know how a person can be so completely shameless; taking absolutely ZERO responsibility for their own bad behavior and TERRIBLE decision-making.

Well, let me introduce you to Mr. Sunshine.

The man is a legend in his own mind. Now he’s got some meaningless little job in NoWhereVille, Oregon.

GOOD RIDDANCE.

Karma. She’s awesome, in my book.

So, that brings me to the present. I’m living in a gorgeous apartment on Lake Hood. Mountains all around. Moosies and birds in my yard all the time. Walking distance to anything you’d want. I’ve got a few awesome jobs – the most recent of which is what inspired this post.

Well, again, as many of you know, I’ve gotten myself involved in the arts scene here in Anchorage since it’s near and dear to me and my family. My parents are both artists of various sorts and I was brought up in an environment filled with fine art, music, dancing, theatre and more.

Lucky, is what I was to have such interesting people around me all the time.

I feel confident now that I can announce this new venture without jinxing it – I was asked by the Executive Producer/Director of this show to be the Associate Producer last week. I’ve been working on this as a publicity/props/helper person for a few weeks and now the director promoted me last week to associate producer.

I’m kind of bursting, nervous and excited for the whole thing. The actors are superb, the venue is great and the show is hilarious! We giggle through every rehearsal! I’ve seen and/or heard the show over a dozen times already and it does not get old…

Look us up online. We’re the Anchorage Dinner Theatre produced by Last Gasp Productions. The first show is called Lounge Lizards, and, in the wise words of Wayne and Garth, “… Party time! Excellent! Dodododllleodoodldooodlellooodldoo! …”

Tonight is the soft opening of the show with lots of friends and family and industry people. It’s been such a learning experience to work with such a talented group of humans and I’m excited for this first run. We’re running this show every Friday, Saturday and Sunday through February 21 … So be sure to look us up if you’re in the Anchorage area. Fine dining and a VERY whacky show for a VERY reasonable price!

As I asked my Momma to do this morning, “Tell me to break a leg” if you see me today!

What the hell have I gotten myself into?!!

Last but certainly not least, we can always use help with funding to pay our fine actors and crew, so if you’ve got a nice tax refund on the way or maybe some extra moolah weighing down your wallet, we have a Go Fund Me page HERE!

Ciao for now & thanks for reading!

xooxo

Happy 2016 and Other Stuff

Happy 2016 everyone! Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I’ve been overwhelmingly busy with writing, copy editing, flower/plant jobs and now I’m onto a new venture that I’ll talk about more when I’ve got the details mapped out.

Suffice it to say that it’s exciting, involves writing and theatre!

Onward and upward!

So, yesterday was a weird day.

I set my alarm for 8:00 a.m. as I was supposed to be at the office to do my copy editing at 9:00 a.m. Well, in my extreme-tired-fogginess, I forgot to turn the damn alarm ON.

Ugh.

I hate the feeling of awaking, seeing the clock and going into an immediate panic knowing that you’re already late and there’s NOTHING you can do except show up late and look like a noodlehead.

Oversleeping is something I rarely do. This morning? I could sleep in all I wanted, but then, of course, my brain starts going zoom zoom zoom–the minute I even start fluttering my eyeballs open.

Which brings me to the fact that I’ve been working now for over three hours and it’s only 10:00 a.m. Alaska Standard Time. (We have our own time zone, for heaven’s sake!)

So if it’s 10:00 a.m. MY time, that makes it 2:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Now, I’ve lived in Alaska for about one year and seven months. That’s not a drop in the bucket, but it’s truly not that long at all considering the entire rest of my life was spent in Michigan or Massachusetts. There were some major travels to Europe and Africa and whatnot during those other 48.4 years, but for the most part I’ve been glued to Eastern Standard Time.

There is a constant adjustment for me to get used to the facts that: 

#1 – The ocean is on the wrong side; 

#2 – Alaska is REALLY far from everything; 

#3 – There’s a four hour time difference from what my body is used to, and; 

#4 ­– I’m no longer living near the 45^th parallel.

That last one might sound strange if you’ve never considered where you live in the Northern Hemisphere. I’ve generally hovered about midway between the equator and the North Pole. Ish.

Now I’m living on the 61^st parallel. It’s weird. It’s totally different. We had the full moon over Christmas and it was very odd. It doesn’t rise and set like the moon does when you’re 16 degrees lower in latitude. It’s kinda like it just spins in a fairly small circle above your head.

Same with sunrise and sunset at this time of year. It rises almost more South than East. And then it sets in the West. It’s a low, odd arc–blinding at about 3pm if you’re driving on a South/East facing road.

There’s a big shift in mood here, too, once the days start getting longer. People are cheerier, more outgoing, friendlier. There’s a lot of anger and strife before the equinox in the winter. There were a few people I consider to be extra good friends who were giving me some major grief (and it’s entirely possible I was doing something to deserve it) before the New Year.

I’m back to being good friends with two of the people, but that third one? I have no idea what the hell happened there. There's something she decided she didn’t like about me all of a sudden. And she’s keeping up the code of silence. Odd thing is she asked some people how I was doing …

I find that strange. If you really cared, you’d call me yourself. Don’t go asking around about me as if you truly care. If you really cared you wouldn’t have shut me off and told me that I was unwelcome in your life all of a sudden.

The thing that really gets me is that this person was really wonderful to me and then just flipped some imaginary switch and utterly and completely stopped talking, texting, calling or otherwise being my friend. She used to show up at my house all the time. She’d invite me over to her house. She’d meet me for a glass of wine or lunch.

How do you go from being around someone 3-5 times per week to NEVER and then suddenly not return any phone calls or texts?

I obviously am still struggling to understand her motivations or actions.

I will say this though: if she thinks–for one minute–that she’s going to be my friend again at some point? Nope. I don’t like flip-switchy people. If you’re going to completely cut me out of your existence? That’s really not nice and not how friends treat each other. At least that’s not how I treat MY friends.

And if there’s something wrong or something bothering you?

USE YOUR WORDS, pumpkin.

The silent treatment is a form of passive-aggressive behavior and I have no room for it in my life.

My ex-husband was a flip-switchy passive aggressive creep.  I don’t need “friends” who are going to engage in that same kind of co-dependent infantile behavior.

I was feeling terribly sad about this for the last few weeks. Now I’m just confused.

I will report that there was one person with whom I was “fighting”–which is not what we were doing, really–but we are no longer harboring those negative feelings. Anywho, this one person and I had a misunderstanding and then it got blown all out of proportion by getting a couple other people involved in the stupid drama.  

Drama amplifies exponentially the more humans that get involved. It’s a fact!

So, I took it upon myself to talk with him–in person, alone–on several occasions. We worked it out and I feel like we’re even better friends than we were before. We were able to USE OUR WORDS to express our feelings. He was feeling hurt and I was, too. And feeling hurt is a totally different animal than feeling angry.

Which is what brings me to the thing here. Over the course of my life I’ve realized that there were too many times I bit my tongue. Too many times I let things slide or ignored a mean comment or taken more than my fair share of shit from certain people.

I’m not playing that game any more. It’s too hurtful and it just does nothing but fester and then cause resentments and then, inevitably, the end of a friendship, marriage or job.

As I’ve said numerous times, being kind does not include being a doormat. If you are going to treat me with kindness and respect, you can–100% of the time–expect the same from me.

If you’re going to be nice to me, say 90% of the time? Well, what the hell? Why would I put up with 10% of your shit and turn around and be nice to you?

When I was in therapy, my therapist asked that question of me a lot. She would point out that if someone is nice to you 364 days of the year, but then there’s that one day that they’re crappy to you (on purpose, not someone having a crappy day–there’s a big difference)? Well, you run around in circles for this person because you’re constantly fearing that one day that they’ll be crappy to you. You never know when that one day will come.

Walking on eggshells is how I describe it.

My second and third marriages were like that. Constant fear of being told I wasn’t good enough or productive enough or skinny enough or hard-working enough.

Why the HELL would you want to be around a person who has made it their job to tell you how inadequate you are? Why on EARTH would I want someone to make me feel bad about myself?

You wanna know the answer? Because the answer is tough.

The answer is:

You teach people how to treat you.

If you don’t feel you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect? You’ll definitely find someone who will treat you in the shitty way you think you deserve.

I have no idea why Mr. Sunshine wanted to marry me other than he like the green color of my money and he liked to have sex. (Sorry Mom and Dad.)

The man spent much of his time telling me how much he doubted everything I told him. He doubted that I had done real estate development with husband #2. He doubted that I knew how to operate and navigate a boat. He doubted that I had actually met and worked with some well-known politicians (even though I have the letters and pictures to prove it). He doubted that I knew what I was doing as far as gardening or making a go of my gardening business.

He doubted that I was as smart and awesome and talented as I proved that I was.

It drove him crazy that I make friends quickly. That I am flirtatious. That I’m funny. That I’m a nice person. That I make mistakes and apologize for them.

My successes somehow equaled his failure.

That’s some crazy shit.

Can you imagine purporting to love someone and then sit around hoping they’ll fail?

I cannot fathom that.

So, this is the stuff that rattles around my psyche when I’ve had too much sleep and got up waaaay too early!

I’ll write more when I have time. Just not a lot of time right now.

Hope this finds all of you healthy and happy!

And welcome home to my beloved cousins–back from a deployment in Afghanistan!

Here’s to a kick-ass 2016.

Ciao for now. Thanks for reading.

xoxo

Not Nice and NOT Funny At All

To the prankster asshole who fucked with my phone:

You have cost me time and money and I don’t appreciate it.

One of the people you randomly blocked? WAS MY MOTHER. She has terrible health issues and has been in and out of the hospital in the past few months. Thanks for blocking her ONLY phone so that she couldn’t call me for days on end.

She was terribly worried about me because of the whole debacle with the ex-husband. But thanks so much for causing her worry and preventing her from calling me.

Oh, and extra thanks for changing the setting so that the only people who COULD call me were my “favorites” – so that prevented my customers and potential clients from calling me so that I could make money.

And also prevented my editor from calling me.

And also prevented a job I applied for from calling me about an interview.

You have cost me so much money now my head is spinning. Not to mention all the time I’ve spent trying to figure out what the fuck happened to my phone with tech support.

And I know who it was that did this and I THOUGHT he was my friend.

No one else would have the audacity to fuck with someone else’s phone except you.

I didn’t change those settings. I would never have blocked my own mother from calling me because of her health issues AND because it’s the fucking holidays and I’ve been talking to her about every day for the last few months.

It’s not funny and you owe me an apology and you owe me hundreds of dollars in lost time and lost earnings. I know at least two people who were going to hire me to decorate their houses for Christmas. And another person who was going to hire me to do a big flower arrangement for their holiday table. They all had my business cards and I saw each of them put my number in their phone.  BUT THEY COULDN’T CALL ME BECAUSE I COULDN’T RECEIVE THEIR CALLS because they weren’t listed in my “favorites.”

I’ve been nothing but nice to you.

What have you got to say for yourself? Can you explain why you’d do this? Did you not understand the implications of preventing me from operating my business during the holidays?

Do you really think this is acceptable behavior?

Why would you want to hurt me? What the hell have I ever done to you?

I honestly don’t get it.

  

And you fucked with my mom and all my other family members and friends who couldn’t call me and were really worried about me. My mom doesn’t text. Nor does my Dad, so it really did affect them. And it affected me, too.

I’m not afraid of you stupid shits. Frankly, I’m smarter than the lot of you combined.

B, I like. And I don’t think he would have approved of this sort of behavior.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know you read this blog.

And I know you’ll probably be laughing up a storm that you’ve caused me more anger and inconvenience and money.

Really hilarious.

Fuck you.

I am going to write whatever I want whenever I want.

I have the aptitude, ability and audience to say whatever I want whenever I want.

I know you think this is not work. I don’t give a flying fuck WHAT you think.

I don’t give a flying fuck what you say or how much you try to prevent me from doing what I want.

Someone once said to me that he truly believed that women were “God’s gift to men.”

That’s fucked up.

I’m nobody’s “gift.”

I’m my own person. Women don’t “belong” to others, we’re not possessions to be “given” except in third world countries where there’s a business transaction that happens when – typically – an underage girl is “sold” off to the highest bidder.

Think about that shit. Would you want someone to treat your daughter like this? You’ve got a daughter. I’ve met them. They are feisty, smart and ambitious. Why would you want to prevent them from being exactly who and what they want to be?

Tell me why you would do that to a woman? What happens in the thinking there? Would you want some asshole twat of a guy fucking with your daughter’s ability to make money? Or from her friends and family from calling? 

WHY would you want your daughter to endure that type of shitty behavior?

You wouldn't. 

That's the short answer. 

You honestly would NOT ever want someone treating your daughter 

the way you've treated me.

What would you think of the person who was intentionally being shitty to your daughter? You’d think they were assholes.

Well, guess what? I’m my Dad’s kid. He loves me and he wants to beat the shit out of all of you.

Well, it’s only since I’ve moved to Alaska that I’ve received this sort of ignorant attitude and poor treatment from men. You’d think they’d want to get their shit together since there are so many male folk vs. female folk.

That’s the thing. The second I get a hint of this crap? I can tell them what I think of their Neanderthal behavior and move on to the next guy.

I'll still be nice to you because I'm not an asshole. I treat people fairly and with kindness until they give me a good reason not to. I'll be cordial, I'll be whatever, but now I know where I stand in your tiny peabrain. I'm not your friend. That's obvious. So, fine. I won't say nice things about you to other people. I won't champion you and your place. 

If that's what you want to do to someone who's been kind, then fine.

As I've said before: I'm a nice person but I'm nobody's doormat.

Many of you could REALLY benefit by some lessons in etiquette and the fine art of treating others as they treat you.

So, nice going. Thanks so much for treating me like a “friend.” Really kind of you.

I even had GIFTS for you and your family.

Unreal.

Ciao for now. And, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Be nice. And stop trying to fuck with other people's good lives. Karma is a beeeyatch.

The Art of Kissing but NOT Telling

It's been an interesting time of it being newly single (AGAIN) and in the land of manly men who do manly things. Even the wimpy men here have a certain sex appeal since they are all out and about doing interesting things like fishing, camping, hiking and such.

The statistic is that there are eight men to every one woman. Basically it's like being a kid in a candy store if, well, you're interested in men!

I happen to be one of those ladies that likes the men folk. I like 'em in all colors, shapes and sizes. If you're nice to me and respect my boundaries and limits and my WORK (i.e. don't call me at midnight or 4:00 a.m. because you're feeling randy or lonely), then I will entertain the idea of kissing your face.

However, I've come across some pretty amazingly unkind behavior and just basically some REALLY bad manners.

What is this obSESSION you all have with discussing politics in public places? Can't I just have a beer and watch Monday Night Football without being bombarded by the woes of the world and the virtues of FUCKING DONALD TRUMP? What the hell? Please please shut your cake hole and please can we just discuss the football game and bad play calls? Or something? Please?

So, mens of Alaska, attention! Here are some tips for those of you interested in wooing a woman who has a brain in her head and will NOT entertain your rants and raves, bashing liberals or gays or Muslims or whomever seems to be your ignorant generalization du jour to hate. No one is all one thing. I'm not always nice. I sometimes struggle with listening and slowing down. We hall have our limitations and flaws.

Whoever told people that they need to be perfect at all moments has set all of us up for being utter failures. That doesn't mean you get a green light to be an asshole whenever you feel like it, but the idea that we can all just try our BEST to be kind while also maintaining our integrity? That seems like a thing we could all rally around, right?

So, these are my suggestions to make the sitch here in Alaska a little more civil and less "I'm gonna shoot you if you don't believe everything I'm about to spill out of my unshaven gullet." Here they are:

1 - Stop referring to your trip to the lower 48 as going to the United States. Alaska IS the United States. Stop trying to be separate. It's creates an unfriendly and stand-offish kind of vibe and no one likes to feel like an "outsider."

2 - Stop telling me I'm a "fucking liberal" who voted for Obama and therefore that's why your shoelaces broke and your dog died and your Mom has the Diabeeetus. We are NOT enemies. We are fellow countrymen. Our ancestors likely came over on the same boat from Germany, Poland or Ireland or wherever. WE are the People of the United States of America. WE are. No one has any say in this except the Native People who were slaughtered and sent to "reservations" where there was nothing but sadness and pain. Look it up.

3 - Stop bashing Native People. Stop it. You make me sick.

4 - Stop referring to other cultures by derogatory terms. Again, if it weren't for other cultures, this would be one BORING world.

5 - Travel. Get outside of your comfort zone. You should not be proud of the fact that you've never been outside of Alaska or the REST of the United States. Go look at a tree in Africa. Go see the Bridge of Sighs in Venice (not California, dude). Look at the art work in the great museums of the world. Listen to an opera (not the woman on TV, dude). Try spicy food (meat and potatoes do NOT make the world go around). There's a great big world out there that is NOT Alaska. Get out there.

6 - Stop telling me what is best for me. You have NO fucking idea what it's like to be me (really, you don't want to get inside this head of mine. It's a scary place!). I have panic attacks at odd situations like in the mall at Christmastime. Like when I get near the edges of cliffs or have to go over a long bridge in the mountains with thousands of feet of rock up and down around me. That scares the life right out of me.

7 - Try to learn what empathy REALLY is.

8 - Don't be threatened by my presence around your fucking husband or boyfriend. I don't want your shitty husband or boyfriend. I've got my hands full with the flock of boys who have been around me since I separated from my ex-husband.

9 - Please can we not talk about my stupid ex-husband? I divorced his ass for a good reason. He's a certified schmuck - let's leave it at that, mmmkay?

10 - Yes, the divorce is FINAL. Over. KAPUT. Done. Nada else. K? K.

11 - No, I will not show you my boobs.

12 - No, I really won't.

13 -Not here, not now, and not ever because you KEEP ASKING and it's tacky and demeaning.

14 - Don't tell me how smart you think I am. I know I'm smart. I have worked my whole life to learn things and to keep expanding my learning and curiosity. You might do well to do the same.

15 - When I tell you NO, it means just that. Stop asking.

16 - Don't make assumptions about my political views and affiliations because of where I'm from or because I voted a certain way. If you must know, I'm politically unaffiliated, but it is my privacy here. I am under no obligation to tell you what I think or HOW I voted, nor are you. And frankly, if you're asking, likely we voted on the opposite end of things.

17 - Religion. Don't ask. None of your business. It's a personal decision by each and every human (except those poor souls who've got no choice at all because of where they were born).

18 - Women are NOT inferior. We are DIFFERENT. Not second class citizens (again unless you were born in a certain area of the world).

19 - I love our military. My family has served every branch except the Marines.

20 - Just be nice. Try it. It's easier than being contrary and angry and nasty to your neighbor or acquaintance or colleague.
'

Post Divorce Fallout

It's a weird thing when you get a divorce. Now, mind you, I was married to a liar and a cheat, so I'm not heartbroken for a minute. The thing that sucks is that I don't get to have my little Beebles as my constant companion, and the fallout in the way that certain people react to a person who is single again.

A person I hold near and dear to me here in Alaska basically just shut me off from hanging out with her. I decorated her place last weekend at HER invitation. I didn't go over there. I respect their family and how they operate.

She is not married to the man she is living with. She USED to be married to him. They have a son. I really like these people. And I love their dogs and being treated like I was part of the family. She said so on many occasions. I cannot say how much I appreciated her support and encouragement during this past year of hell on wheels.

Well, all of a sudden there are no phone calls, no text, no drop ins... She used to come over here at least once or twice a week and we'd also meet for lunches or a glass of wine or whatever.

When a person you're close to suddenly just stops communicating with you, it's obvious something is amiss.

Then today when I texted her again to ask what on EARTH I have done wrong to be shut out completely so suddenly.

I received a terse and less than kind text that told me that she needed a break. That she wanted privacy and time with her family. She needed a break.

Wow.

Now, I also am not dumb and know that this happened exactly coinciding with the return of a certain bartender who has a gossip problem. He doesn't like the fact that this woman and I don't put up with his shit and we defend each other.

Well, this bartender had asked me some "innocent" questions about her upon his return from his two week vacation. I responded with the answers I knew regarding her holiday plans.

I didn't realize he was going to use those answers I gave as a means of insinuating that women are all basically gold diggers. He insinuated the same to me and I told him off. For some reason, he gets his jollies by making his customers not like each other.

As my friend Kathy says, "He likes to stir the pot." And he really does a good job of milking information out of people by asking "innocent" questions, and then he spins it to make it sound like I or whomever was saying something bad or mean about my friend.

It's bullshit and it's childish and I'm not going to spend my time or money over there now. I even gave him a small gift for him and his wife for Christmas. Really makes me mad that he wants to cause trouble for me. I don't get the motivations, but I do know that I'm not going over there when he's working.

This is the third time he's made things difficult for me or made me upset.

So, as in baseball, three strikes and you're out. OUT.

No more playing in my sandbox.

Strong women of the world unite! Nice people of the world unite!

No more accepting bad behavior from mean-spirited, petty people.

They can just start messing with each other and be un-nice to each other.

There are many sayings about the quality of a person being measured by the subjects they choose to discuss. Petty people talk about other people, quality people talk about ideas or events.

I'm not going to apologize for anything I've said about my friend. I was only saying answers to questions and I didn't say anything bad or mean about her. I don't know what else to do except vent here.

So, the ups and downs after the divorce continue. I'm up at work and now down about my friend.

Ugh.

Can we all just act like adults for a minute and just behave nicely?

That's all for now. I've gotta go write a SECTION of the newspaper that I was tasked with writing last week! Thank goodness for you, Anchorage Press!

SNOW. September. W.R.O.N.G!!!

We got our first snow in Anchorage yesterday and last night.

While I know my New England people are enjoying the fall and my people in the South are enjoying the warm last days of summer and my people in the other parts of the planet are all like:

Saaaay, WHAT, now?

It's so pretty!!

The snow right now was sort of wet and sloppy since it was really quite warm for it to stick. But - stuck it did and I have to say the juxtaposition of the fall leaves on the trees with the white white snow? It's cheered me up considerably.

I was downright grim yesterday until I ran into some friends that I've been missing.

And the day before that I was also feeling VERY grim until I met one of the Deadliest Catch captains and hung out with him all evening. He is a delightful person and we had a ton of fun horrifying his newest greenhorn! 

Ah, the sea stories!

I miss my Gloucester guys and gals that worked the boats with me. Some of the best humans you'd ever hope to meet. Salt of the Earth.

So it was great fun talking Bering Sea stuff with these kids and the Captain. He's really famous and on camera a LOT! Delightful.

Then yesterday I hung with my guy Brian (who's originally from Minnesota) and a world-famous Chef that you've likely seen on TV many a time. I've known him for a while and we have a lot of mutual friends, so it was another unexpectedly fun evening.

Then I got home and ate some leftovers? Not good. Paid for it all night. BLECH. Luckily there was no barfing involved but it was darn close a couple times. I just hate being nauseous.

Better today after eating some apple and drinking about 80 gallons of water to flush out  my poor system. 

So, the housemate sitch? Still ongoing. She had told me she'd be out by the end of this month. Well, that's pretty much right about now in about 13 hours.

With the help of some legal advice, I was told to write her a specific letter to ask her specific things about her exit. So, little Miss Sunshine informed me that she may, in fact, not be able to be out until Saturday.

Three days. 72 more hours of closed doors and louds sighs. And the in and out of the bathroom each morning at O dark 30.

So, the note she left me was, as you'd imagine, terse. And my favorite part is something I've come across soooooo many times in my recent past.

And that thing is that the people (and I use that loosely) of the world who are the 9 to 5-ers or the 8 to 5-ers? They all think that people like me are lazy or unproductive.

My ex-husband D who I still adore, used to think that until he realized how much I actually did while I still had my gardening business and did lots of philanthropic stuff. 

My current soon-to-be ex-husband Mr. Sunshine also viewed me as some kind of leech because I had to get my business and life re-established in a brand new place 5000 miles from anything familiar.

My ex-housemate (past one) and present one - same thing. They think I don't do anything because I get paid to do the shit that they'd LIKE to do but don't know HOW to do.

You know what I've got to say about that? Too f*cking bad, princesses. I do what I have to do and what I CAN do to make ends meet. And up until I spent my g*ddamn life savings moving here getting my identity stolen (fun) going through a shitty divorce (real fun) and then being forced to move AGAIN and marketing and schmoozing clients and networking? 

I have been utterly self-sufficient since my 20s. 

So, yeah. Things are tough right now financially. Whooopie-SH*T. Happens when you least expect it.

Last thing I'll say - you cubicle people need to get a grip. Where do you think the books or newspapers you read come from? Poetry, art, dance, music - all of those things come from us non-traditional WORKERS of the world. 

Artists are workers. 

Writers are workers.

And frankly, if you can't understand that? You can SUCK IT.

To my Salem peeps - Happy October tomorrow! Try not to get too frustrated with the traffic and crazy - you have no idea how much you miss it when you leave. No one celebrates Halloween here. So sad...

Ciao for now and thanks for reading! 

xooxo

Blah and Ugh

I officially have a case of the blahs.

It's rainy and gray. My mood is sort of the same.

I've got VERY little money. VERY little since all the bills and rent and internet fees and phone fees and housemate moving out makes it such that I now have to pay all of October (or so it seems) on my own.

I'm interviewing tomorrow for a job I want want want. Have no idea if I'll be hired, but I'd certainly appreciate any or all good vibe that may be sent my way at 10am Alaska Standard Time (That's 2pm, Mom!).

There's just this overwhelming scaredness in my gut and I don't like it. I try to ignore it and put on my big girl boots each day and face the day with as much bravery as I can muster, but you know what?

Sometimes being an "adult?" Suck balls.

I know that's not a lovely term to use, but here - it seems appropriate.

And anyway, too? It's been proven that people who are demonstrative emotionally and also verbally (i.e. using swear words) are happier, healthier and generally more positive in life.

If you bottle stuff up and keep things to yourself and generally are prudish? Well, you've probably got health issues or your gonna. You gotta get that sh*t off your chest and out of your head! Otherwise? The stress and the bad feelings or anger that you might feel will only eat at you. Cortisol levels rise up. Then you gain weight for no reason. And you can't get the weight off no matter what you do.

I'm living proof. At one point I had terrible anxiety disorder paired with high blood pressure and weight issues. My allergies were nearly unmanageable and I developed terrible psoriasis - an auto-immune disease of the skin (can also cause psoriatic arthritis which is terrible). I had (still do) a bad back and was in constant pain. It's a wonder anyone even still likes me! What a mess!

My diet was great, my lifestyle was good (lots of fresh air, working in gardens, going boating, lots of power walks)... NOTHING made me better until I finally got chiropractic treatment and then got out of my failing marriage.

Nothing worked until I got brutally honest with my therapist, myself and my then husband.

Even after that I had some major blows. Major bad things that happened. Then the depression set in.

There's a weight loss plan for you. Major grief and depression. I pretty much didn't eat for 6 months.

Ugh.

So, back to therapy I went. More brutal honesty. More grieving.

And then I started walking everywhere. All the time. Walking and going to the beach and therapy. Those were my life for almost a year.

No more blood pressure meds after that. No more anxiety pills (until recently with all the SH*T I've been dealing with with my divorce and having to MOVE AGAIN).

But for the most part, I'm doing fine. I have my moments where I feel scared and very alone, but I know it'll all work out.

Ok. I'm off to make cookies. A friend of mine ordered some for a party she's having and she's PAYING me to cook!  : ) Woo HOOO!!

Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Post-Traumatic Growth

A friend of mine shared a link to an article in the Wall Street Journal about the concept of Post-Traumatic Growth. This is the link here.

And believe me, I'm not comparing my shit-show stupid drama to a person who's been in war or paralyzed after an accident. Not one bit.

What I am saying is that when your life has gotten to a point where you feel pretty much cornered and like there's no way out and then you start having thoughts about not wanting to even be alive any more (which is slightly different than being suicidal, but the result is the same)...

That really shakes you up.

When life has gotten so out of control you just simply want OUT instead of having to wade through the endless muck to even FIND the dark tunnel so that you may start seeing the tiniest pinprick of light at the other end of said tunnel.

Well, that's where I was a few short years ago after all the losses I endured.

I was so sad I was unable to be grateful for even the smallest things like having a bank full of money and friends and family that love me. I wasn't UNgrateful for those things, I was just too busy feeling sad and alone and miserable.

Grief is a funny thing. My best friend finds herself single after being with a man she loves and adores. They've been together for four years or more.

People are giving her advice on what to do to get through the tough time when you are packing and moving back to your old place or your new place.

The thing is? Nobody knows what's best for her or for anyone else!

People offered me advice ALLL the time.

ALL THE TIME:

"If IIIIiiiiiii were you, I'd go on a fabulous trip!"

I didn't want to go on a fabulous trip by myself or with anyone else. I wanted to cry. And sleep. And I wanted the world to go away and leave me alone.

"You know? In a way? I'm jealous of you! You're completely unencumbered!"

You're jealous of ME? F*CK YOU! You're married to a wonderful man, you have a gorgeous house, a dog, endless amounts of money and you're telling me about being unencumbered?

Yeah. Riiiiight.

Then there were the people who'd see me on the street or at the beach and they knew I'd just gotten divorced and that my dogs had died and had to sell my beloved house and they'd give me the sideways look and the "Heeeey. How you doin'?" fake concern thing.

Oh, that was killer. To be pitied. Yuck.

So this is the thing. The unsolicited advice? Keep it to yourself.

The sideways concern look thing? Don't do that.

Ask them what they need. 

Ask them what you can do to try to help make it better.

Listen to them when they're crying. 

Don't tell them everything's okay. IT's NOT OKAY sometimes. 

Sometimes LIFE SUCKS. Sometimes? It's just overwhelming and we need a DAMN hug. Or food. Or just someone to say they love you and are sad that you're hurting.

EMPATHY. 

Even now. I'm going through this pretty shitty time. I have no money. I'm trying everything I know how to do to get financially solvent again. I moved here thinking I was going to live with this wonderful man and have an interesting adventurous life.

Well... It's interesting. And if you want to say that having four jobs is adventurous, well, then I've got that, too.

The marriage part? Wonderful man part? Notsomuch.

I'm not having fun. And now I'm left looking for a new housemate because the one I have had for the last three weeks has offered nothing except the $650 she was paying in rent. She's been passive-aggressive to me and surly to my friends and family that have visited me recently. Even tried to tell me who I can have as visitors (race may be part of her equation. Not sure.).

And now she's just downright angry ALL.THE.TIME. She arrived home early from work yesterday afternoon while I was getting some billing done here in my room on my computer.

Well, she came in the front door and all I could hear were her exasperated SIGHS. REALLY loud sighs. Over and over and over she carried on. Jeez.

After my friends had flown in all the way from Boston, they arrived here at the house two Saturday evenings ago. I had forewarned the housemate about their arrival and that they were spending one night here (in my room) and that I'd be sleeping on the couch.

Pretty straightforward, right?

Well, they'd been here all of 20 minutes and she came barreling out of her room and made sure to tell the husband "Can you keep it down? I'm TRYING to SLEEP."

The rude factor was astronomical. It's a Saturday night. Not even 10pm.

Ever hear of earplugs?

Anywho. I'm tired of rudeness. Whether it's understanding that everyone ticks to their own clock, or understanding that everyone grieves differently, or that everyone has their own way of thinking about or doing things, or has different social needs...

We are not supposed to put our own expectations on another person 

EXCEPT to EXPECT 

COMMON COURTESY.

What ever happened to it?

Where'd it go?

When did we  decide to become whiners and entitled jerks?

You know, I didn't really experience this crap until I moved here. I grew up in Michigan and then moved to Massachusetts right out of college. People didn't behave like this save a few turds along the way, but for the most part? Pretty decent people I've come across over my 49 years over there in the Midwest and East.

Now, I'm generalizing here again - I don't put everyone in the same bucket... The people I've met who are the most entitled have been overwhelmingly from the West. I don't know if it's the wide open spaces and having fewer humans to contend with? 

I know they call us Massholes, but that's only when we're driving! When you get out of the car, politesse and manners are the thing.

I don't know. I'm trying to sort this all out and get through this shit-show so I can just have a happy, good life. I'm not looking for bells and whistles and being rich and famous. I just want a happy life.

So, I started with the Post-Traumatic Growth story and that's what I'd like to end with, as well. 

In all of the CRAP that has happened in the last three years? I'm thankful for all of it. It's made me happy to know that I can survive A LOT. I can get through it. I'm tougher than I ever imagined.

The person I'm divorcing has loads and loads of money. And the house and a truck and the dog and my beautiful yard. But he's miserable. He has one friend. And the only family that will talk to him are his father and his sister.

I've got pretty much next to nothing (monetarily), but I can EARN money. I've been blessed with a wonderful family, wonderful friends - an enviable support system. I have the gift of optimism, great faith, a excellent brain, strong body and healthy outlets for my anxieties. And my main tenet of life is to try to always be kind to others. Sometimes it's not easy, but it's the better way to be.

So, in the end who's happier? Who's got the richer life? 

Someone with a bunch of money in the bank or someone whose life has true meaning?

I'll take the latter any old time.

Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Bummy feeling again

This is a picture I took back in the day. This is a humpback named Tulip.
Here's she's feeding at the pleats on the lower jaw are pink, flushed from being "hot"
during this active feeding session. I love this picture.

So, as most of you know, it didn't work out with the current housemate. I have not spoken to her or seen her since she got home on Monday evening.

It's a bummer situation because I don't even WANT to see her. I'm upset and really disappointed in her behavior toward my house guests and it's just such a bummer.

The people who've inquired about the apartment? Have not followed up when I returned their emails, so that's bumming me out, too.

I seriously cannot afford to have this place by myself and I'm not going to even know what I'm getting from the settlement conference (divorce proceeding) until early November...

To make matters just a wee bit worse, the move cost me about $200 more than I had thought (they failed to mention that travel to and from their main office was included in the hourly cost of the move) AND they automatically deducted the total cost of the move out of my bank account. It was my understanding that they were going to BILL me for the move, but it was taken out of my account, so I've got about $600 less than I had planned to have at the end of this month.

Will this fun ever end?

Plus, some of you know I was injured REALLY badly last Friday when I was holding onto a Cessna for a friend (only in Alaska) while he jump started the plane. Well, the passenger inside the plane (my friend Kathy) gunned the engine when Alan got the plane jump-started, and of course, the rope I had wrapped around my hand squeezed my hand so hard that there was a giant blood blister half the size of my hand that immediately formed on the top of my hand. The GIANT bruise still extends from my wrist all the way across to the knuckles of my middle, ring and pinky fingers (my right hand).

I'm totally lucky I didn't break my hand. So I iced it and iced it, but then also missed out on some gardening work that whole weekend. Luckily it healed up enough so I could do some more work on Wednesday (in the cold rain! FUN!).

Have to go do some copying at the courthouse today (again, will the fun EVER end?), and then gardening at my client's house - have to do some mulching and finish up with pruning and weeding. Also have some gardening to do here at the house (nothing too big) and early to bed.

My friends who are here visiting from MA are currently in Homer, Alaska. One of the most beautiful places I've ever been... They will return tomorrow afternoon sometime and then they take the red-eye back to Boston tomorrow evening.

This is the beach in Homer. Bald eagles everywhere. And mountains, volcanoes
and the ocean. They are the Katchemak Mountains.

I've been utterly and completely exhausted lately. Everything has caught up to me. The emotions, the physical drain, financial drain. It's incredible how much this has all cost me in all of those departments. And then having to deal with a housemate that is as entitled and icky as the person I'm divorcing? Just really was unnecessary. I'm tired of bad behavior and WHY it's seeking me out.

However, I DO want share my gratitude for my wonderful family and friends from back home. I cannot say thank you enough for the support you've given me during this difficult period. Your messages, phone calls, emails, texts... It's all greatly greatly appreciated and I feel very lucky to have such a great number of people who care about me. I see a lot of people in Alaska who are in terrible situations because they don't have a support system of wonderful humans that love them.

I am really lucky. And I'm truly thankful for all of you and you know who you are!!   : )

Well, I should get a move on. It's already almost 10:00am here. We finally have some sun - so I'm going to take a short walk to Lake Hood and watch some of the planes take off. I don't know why, but it always makes me feel better to see people off to an adventure.

Ciao for now. Thanks for reading.

xoxox

I miss Boaty. This was during a trip to Martha's Vineyard.
We were docked right next to a retired Nantucket Lightship!
And the Obamas were there during this trip, too.

Dumbfounded, Shocked and Amazed

This is the pretty, furnished room that I will be renting out.
Available October 1st.

Okie dokie.

Another little sort of ranty post but not really.

I'm just gonna tell you what happened and see what you think.

So, I'm 50 years old. I'm newly single -ish. I'm separated and close to the finish line on the divorce.

That's all just fact.

This person with whom I am currently living is a 40s professional person, an engineer.

More facts.

She dates on occasion and goes out after work with her work friends. She also is going to school to complete her Master's degree.

I like all of those things about her.

She can be silly and likes to laugh and tells great stories about the trials and tribulations of dating and also the situation at her workplace.

Now. Back to the sitch here at the abode.

So, I pay more than half of the rent. I also paid ALL of the security deposit for this apartment.

I do most of the cleaning, take out the garbage, recycle, etc. Her room is smaller than mine, but she's using all of my furniture, dishes, cooking utensils, etc. She has her room decorated like she likes and I even gave her an extra closet in the hallway that is solely hers. She also is using the garage for storage. I even unpacked three of her boxes that sat in the dining area.

Now. Onto the things that finally got my goat only 2 weeks into living with her. TWO WEEKS.

First off, I also like the company of men from time to time. There is a man I met during the Iditarod who is coming to visit me hopefully in December. I have a GIANT crush on him. He also comes to town from time to time as he lives part-time in Alaska.

When he and I made plans to get together while he was here, I stayed at his place one evening and then I decided I'd like to make him dinner and have him spend the night here, too. Mind you, he's gone for months at a time, so I don't see him all that often, but we remain in touch by phone, text, email...

So, I told my housemate that he was coming over and would be spending the night here.

SHE looked at me - totally AGHAST - and exclaimed, "HE'S SPENDING THE NIGHT?"

And I simply replied, "Yes. He's spending the night."

Is it unreasonable for a 50 year old woman to have a man-friend spend the night once in a while?

This is my house. Like the place where I live. As in, I pay rent to live here and this is where I sleep and if I want someone to stay here - once in a while - it's totally my prerogative.

Right?

Now, I know it's HER place of residence, too, but I'm not asking her to share HER bed with me and my guy friend! She still has her private space. Not to mention, when he does stay here, my bedroom is right next to the bathroom. He does not wander around the house! She still can use the living room, kitchen, laundry, bathroom...

So he showed up unexpectedly last week after his flight got cancelled at midnight. I was not cool with him showing up unannounced and ringing the doorbell at midnight, and then just assuming he could spend the night here. All of those things were quite uncool but I was not gonna send him off in the rain without a vehicle (he had taken a taxi from the airport).

He spend the night that night and again the following night. Again, it's not like he's here all the time and these last couple nights were totally unplanned and I could have had no way to know he'd show up like he did.

Two days later, the housemate person announced that she was not okay with him staying here (at all). That she was afraid she was going to "run into him" whatever that means.

Hmmm. So, now she's telling me who I can have in the house? Hmmmmm.

The thing here, too, is that she likes to run around the house in just her bath robe. I'm certainly not thrilled seeing her in her robe all the time, but I was taught a sense of decorum wherein if the situation were reversed? I'd never be running about in my robe if SHE had a guest or guests here. I'd be properly covered up and respectful of THEIR space and time together.

THEN my married friends L and T flew in on Saturday evening. I'd told the roommate several times that they were arriving in the evening on SATURDAY. Not a Monday or Wednesday, not a work day, but a WEEKEND day.

These people flew 5000 miles to see me and I haven't seen them since last October! Almost a whole year! And this is one of my best buddies from Massachusetts and her hubby.

So, they arrived later than expected at about 9:30pm. Of course there was hugging and conversation and I got them settled with their luggage in my room and blah blah blah.

Well, I opened some wine for them and we were in the living room just talking. The husband was in the kitchen getting a beer and talking when the roommate burst out of her room (in her robe, of course) and very tersely exclaimed "Can you please keep it down? I'm TRYING to sleep!"

I was dumbfounded. It wasn't even 10:00pm. They hadn't even been in the house for a whole half an hour before she SO rudely made them feel totally unwelcome. SO rude.

Now, of course, if the situation were reversed, I'd have come out (with CLOTHES on), introduced myself and then probably make a reference to the fact that I was pooped and was going to turn in early. That would be the cue for the other parties involved to know that you'd enjoy a quieter environment.

There are also these great things called EAR PLUGS. I use them almost every morning when the roommate is banging about getting ready for work.

There are ways to say or do things without being utterly and completely without manners. It was horrifying and embarrassing that this person would be so icky to my guests who had just traveled for a WHOLE day just to visit me all the way here in Alaska.

Ugh.

So, my guests and I went out to breakfast Sunday morning and did some sightseeing. We came back here and she, of course, was in the damn robe making her coffee and being passively aggressively surly.

The husband, T, actually approached her and apologized for keeping her up. And she mumbled something rude, certainly not being nice about it or saying anything kind back to him.

I didn't speak to her at all for fear of what I might say. I was TRULY and am STILL very angry that she could be that shitty to my good friends.

I left with them and took them on a long sightseeing day. Ended up in gorgeous Seward and spent the night at my favorite cabin/retreat center called Angel's Rest. It's heavenly.

Resurrection Bay yesterday at about noontime. 

This is a four-apartment cabin at Angel's Rest. I stayed in the one
on the lower right with the pretty deck! I've also stayed in the lower left one.
All are different and totally lovely.



Click on this link:  This my friend, Hobo, who spent all his spare time with me!

While I was away I really thought a lot about how this all went down and what on EARTH motivates people to be shitty like that. Especially in a living situation there is a level of compromise that is required.

What did she possibly gain by being rude to my friends? Or to attempt to dictate who/where/when I can have people in my own home?

Why would you want to be nasty like that? It's only going to create resentments and upset.

And? It did.

I got home fairly late from my trip back to Anchorage. I was BEAT. Long two days... Hell, it's been a long effing year for me between two moves, a pending divorce and dealing with all the emotion and physical drain.

She was thankfully not home. So, I unpacked and went right to bed after having a light dinner. I also left her a note asking for her to find somewhere else to live. There was no discussion needed as far as I'm concerned.

Selfish, entitled people cannot be changed. I am divorcing one of them and I CERTAINLY do not need to live with another one.

So when she came in last night she knocked on my door and informed me that she was seeking a new location but reminded me, of course, that she is paid through the end of the month and would be here until then.

I grunted "Good." And that was that.

Know anyone who wants to live in a gorgeous, furnished apartment?

Jeez.

I've had it up to my EYEBROWS with the effing drama here. I need calm. CALM. No more.

Ok. Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Feeling bummy and sort of blue

I miss Beebles. A lot. My sweet little girl.

On top of all the regularly schedule crap that's been going on in my life, I'm still having the visits from Aunt Flo.

I always know when she's about to arrive because my patience level drops to a negative eleven-teen and I start cleaning anything that will not move. I cannot STAND clutter and my poor new housemate has been working full time, is in school and still has boxes in the kitchen area that are driving me TOTALLY berzerk.

Boxes on my pretty rug in the pretty nook. All sorts of food and papers (that are decidedly un-tidy looking) and they are right there just mocking me every time I go into the living room or kitchen.

Yeesh.

I never realized how OCD I am until I've lived with others again. I was gleefully by myself a couple winters ago for much of the time. My Auntie and Uncle have a beautiful home situated on lovely Lake Hartwell just over the border of GA and SC.

This is Sandy from underneath! He was on the glass coffee table and his feets cracked me up!

My little tree that made it two months in a container to get all the way to Alaska.
I left it behind. He seemed so happy living there next to the big spruce...

For much of the winter from Feb until mid-May I stayed at that lovely house on the lake with my Aunt and Uncle's cat, Sandy. What a lovely housemate he was! Quiet, sweet, slept a lot and he didn't create clutter except in his litterbox.

Otherwise? The perfect housemate.

Now, on the other hand he wasn't much of a conversationalist and he liked sleeping on my head, which can be tricky, but otherwise I'd take Sandy over almost any person, any old time.

Which also would be tricky, because beloved Sandy has passed on to the next realm. Boy, I loved that kitty.

So, since that lovely winter of content, I've packed up, moved across country, got married, moved my shit into the old log cabin, nursed him through his triple surgery, took care of the house, dog, cooking, laundry, opened up my businesses, found jobs as a writer and copy editor and pet-sitter, and operator of a Bed and Breakfast on Airbnb.com, then sued Mr. Sunshine for divorce (still in process, as you all know), he kicked me out of my own house, so I packed up again, moved again and now here I am typing this in my new place.

Of course, there are a lot of things that happened in between and sideways and it's basically been a giant clusterf*ck since I met Mr. Sunshine, but here I remain.

I'm still positive, still smart, still working, still breathing, still smiling most of the time.

Except today? I kinda feel bummed out.

Labor Day weekend always kind of bums me out. I sort of feel like a fish out of water during these holidays. The long weekend looms in front of me.

No one has invited me to do anything.

Luckily my cousin and his lovely wife are here tomorrow evening, but then they fly out on Sunday morning.

I was supposed to go see one of my most favorite comedians tonight at the fair (Jim Gaffigan), but the person who was supposed to go with me backed out. And I paid for her ticket and she was supposed to reimburse me? So now I'm out the $40 and I don't have anyone to go with.

Totally bummy.

Plus, also? It's raining and cold. Not exactly the cheeriest weather for sitting outside listening to a comedian...

Totally bummed out.

So I'm trying to sell the tickets on Craig's List and Facebook.

SO BUMMY.

Oh, and I have a sinus headache that is utterly delightful. The weather really makes or breaks me sometimes. Plus the hormones.

It's fun being a woman sometimes. I actually do love it 90% of the time, but I could do without the hormonal swings EACH effing month and the ensuing grossness. I've been at this for 40 years now.

Yeesh.

Well, I've got to get my proverbial shit together and then I have to attend a class at the courthouse on Family Law since I'm representing myself in court for the divorce.  (It's free and it's required by the State.)

So, I'm gonna strap my brain on and go learn some stuff.

Happy long weekend to the rest of the world.

Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Questions and answers

My Koty and Lady with Dan on Boaty. Miss all of those!

My sweet Sadie. A gentle gentle soul

Nope. I didn't get to keep Phoebe. It's been the worst part of all of this. She was my little companion all day and all night. She slept with me, rode with me, sat with me. She was my little squirrel and I miss her so badly it kills.

No, the divorce isn't final yet. He keeps delaying it with his stupid antics. Filed a motion for interim possession of the home. So that gave me all of 2 weeks to move everything out. All of my possessions, furniture, piano, clothing, beds, dishes, all of it. Then he filed ANOTHER thing with the court informing them that he had to be "out of town" all last week for his imaginary job interviews. No one is going to hire him. He was summarily asked to vacate his job in May and his staff is under a gag order. No one can or will be able to give him a decent recommendation because he SUCKS.

I don't know when the court date is for the divorce proceedings. My guess is that Mr. Sunshine will attempt to delay it as much as possible because he is running out of money because he's UNEMPLOYED and refuses to even work part-time to make any money. His idea of working is to lazily fill out on online application for some job he'll never get and then take the dog for a hike or a "bicycle ride."

Yeah. That's tough.

No, I don't talk to him or see him or go anywhere near him. I cannot stand the sound of his voice or to even see him. It makes me nauseous. He's pretty much evil incarnate and looks so menacingly at me it scares the bejesus out of me.

I am okay. Yes. I am fine. I'm still reeling from the changes. I have been sleeping a LOT to catch up from the emotion and physical move I had to make so quickly. My arthritis is terrible and my back hurts all the time, but I'm able to sleep and that's been a blessing.

Eating again has been quite helpful, too. I bet I went days on end with nothing in my body but water and Rolaids and Pepto Bismol. I was barfing all the time from coughing and then the nerves. I have anxiety disorder which he KNEW and sort of used that to his advantage knowing that it was one more way he could control me by making me shaky and upset.

I've lost a lot of weight but have been able to eat again, so I hope to put back on about 10 pounds. Losing weight through nerves and being sick all the time is NOT the way to do it. Yuck.

When I know more about the divorce proceeding I will let you know. I have to attend a class this week on Family Law (it's free) since I am representing myself in court. I know that he also has to attend the same class but at a different date - I do not know what his date is. So, the divorce will happen after we both have attended the class.

In the meantime, I filed a motion for an expedited interim order for him to pay for my move. I'm asking him to pay for the money I had to shell out for the apartment and the movers. I cannot and could not afford it and he knows damn well that I have no money left because of everything he has lied about and done to me. I know I moved her under my own volition, but I would NEVER have moved here if he had actually told me the truth about his life and his job and his REAL intentions toward me. He married me thinking I was the Bank of Lisa. Jesus, did he get THAT wrong.

He's a sociopath. Mentally ill. It does not excuse his bad behavior but it gives me the slightest comfort to know that it's not me. I didn't do anything wrong by believing him. He's a very very talented liar. He was fond of saying "Well... I just didn't tell you the WHOLE truth.''

Hmmm. Sounds suspiciously like a lie to me. But what the hell do I know?

He got asked to leave his job for the same reason I'm divorcing him. Misogynists do not change their colors. He loves the aspect of control over women. It was clear to me that I was dealing with a somewhat dangerous person and I acted accordingly until I knew it was time for me to get out or get maimed or hurt in some other way. I don't think he'd kill me, but he certainly was so menacing the way he'd look at me. He just loved trying to control me through fear tactics, but never crossing the line enough to constitute abuse. It was all very subtle.

Then he'd tell me I was bat-shit crazy and needed to go back into therapy. That I was making all of this up. This was simply another tactic to attempt control over me. Make me think it was all made up in my pretty little head.

No, I don't know what his plans are with the house and everything. Last time I was there all the carpet was ripped up and he had a sample of a dark, cheap, brown carpet that it looks like he intended to have put in to replace the disgusting pee- and poop-stained carpet that he had in the house when I moved in.

He has no furniture.

I do know the neighbors have been helping take care of the dog and helping with the yard (the yard looks awful).

I don't know if he intends to sell it or rent it out as a Bed and Breakfast. I do know that he's gonna have a tough time selling the house in the condition it exists now. There is a mains support beam that was damaged in the last two big earthquakes we had in the last year. Two of them were in the 6.24 range and quite long in duration, so the house sank in the middle by almost an inch.

There is a retaining wall that is completely rotted out, so the front yard is gonna spill out onto the driveway at some point.

The roof is not new. It's 6 years old and needs some help.

The kitchen appliances are vintage from the 60s. Ancient.

The color scheme in the house is quite bold and will not be to very many people's liking. I also know from my real estate friends that an old log cabin home is not what sells in Alaska. People here like new construction and things that are shiny and pretty. There is nothing shiny about that house. Of course, that's why I loved it so much. It was OLD and decidedly NOT shiny. I like things that other people do not.

The garden, for instance, I let it go completely native wildflowers and very un-manicured. I like things the way they're SUPPOSED to be. Untamed and as nature intended. Of course, he's completely ruined it. Manicured the front to within an inch of its life. Cut back all the old lilacs, all the old plum, all the old roses. Cut back the laurels - not sure they'll bounce back after the horrible way he cut them during the last phase of their growing season.

He cut down the gorgeous spruce that was a shade/privacy plant claiming it was too close to the foundation. It wasn't. Somebody told him that in order to sell the house it needs to be visible from the road.

Well, what that means is now the people in the road can see INTO the house. There are no curtains. No privacy anymore. It's awful.

And, yes. I'm fine. I can lament my losses still. It's all very fresh. I have moved on in the physical sense, but the emotional part of me always lags. Jeez, I still miss my dogs and they've been gone for years and years. Lady died in 2007 and I STILL miss her so much.

Today would have been the 13th anniversary of my marriage to Dan. I still miss him, too. I think that if you truly loved someone or even something (like my houses that I loved) it's natural to grieve those losses.

If you don't grieve, then you never truly move on.

So, I think that covers the most of it. All the questions! All the time! I appreciate that you all are interested in my world and so much has happened in the last year, I totally understand the questions abound.

I'm just getting tired of talking about it. It consumes too much of my energy and that asshole doesn't deserve one more iota of my time or energy.

I appreciate your support, all of you. Financially, emotionally and some of you, physically, by helping me move. I SOOOO appreciate it.

Now it's time for me to get ready for work! The Anchorage Press awaits my brain shortly!

Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo