Blah and Ugh

I officially have a case of the blahs.

It's rainy and gray. My mood is sort of the same.

I've got VERY little money. VERY little since all the bills and rent and internet fees and phone fees and housemate moving out makes it such that I now have to pay all of October (or so it seems) on my own.

I'm interviewing tomorrow for a job I want want want. Have no idea if I'll be hired, but I'd certainly appreciate any or all good vibe that may be sent my way at 10am Alaska Standard Time (That's 2pm, Mom!).

There's just this overwhelming scaredness in my gut and I don't like it. I try to ignore it and put on my big girl boots each day and face the day with as much bravery as I can muster, but you know what?

Sometimes being an "adult?" Suck balls.

I know that's not a lovely term to use, but here - it seems appropriate.

And anyway, too? It's been proven that people who are demonstrative emotionally and also verbally (i.e. using swear words) are happier, healthier and generally more positive in life.

If you bottle stuff up and keep things to yourself and generally are prudish? Well, you've probably got health issues or your gonna. You gotta get that sh*t off your chest and out of your head! Otherwise? The stress and the bad feelings or anger that you might feel will only eat at you. Cortisol levels rise up. Then you gain weight for no reason. And you can't get the weight off no matter what you do.

I'm living proof. At one point I had terrible anxiety disorder paired with high blood pressure and weight issues. My allergies were nearly unmanageable and I developed terrible psoriasis - an auto-immune disease of the skin (can also cause psoriatic arthritis which is terrible). I had (still do) a bad back and was in constant pain. It's a wonder anyone even still likes me! What a mess!

My diet was great, my lifestyle was good (lots of fresh air, working in gardens, going boating, lots of power walks)... NOTHING made me better until I finally got chiropractic treatment and then got out of my failing marriage.

Nothing worked until I got brutally honest with my therapist, myself and my then husband.

Even after that I had some major blows. Major bad things that happened. Then the depression set in.

There's a weight loss plan for you. Major grief and depression. I pretty much didn't eat for 6 months.

Ugh.

So, back to therapy I went. More brutal honesty. More grieving.

And then I started walking everywhere. All the time. Walking and going to the beach and therapy. Those were my life for almost a year.

No more blood pressure meds after that. No more anxiety pills (until recently with all the SH*T I've been dealing with with my divorce and having to MOVE AGAIN).

But for the most part, I'm doing fine. I have my moments where I feel scared and very alone, but I know it'll all work out.

Ok. I'm off to make cookies. A friend of mine ordered some for a party she's having and she's PAYING me to cook!  : ) Woo HOOO!!

Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo