Feeling bummy and sort of blue

I miss Beebles. A lot. My sweet little girl.

On top of all the regularly schedule crap that's been going on in my life, I'm still having the visits from Aunt Flo.

I always know when she's about to arrive because my patience level drops to a negative eleven-teen and I start cleaning anything that will not move. I cannot STAND clutter and my poor new housemate has been working full time, is in school and still has boxes in the kitchen area that are driving me TOTALLY berzerk.

Boxes on my pretty rug in the pretty nook. All sorts of food and papers (that are decidedly un-tidy looking) and they are right there just mocking me every time I go into the living room or kitchen.

Yeesh.

I never realized how OCD I am until I've lived with others again. I was gleefully by myself a couple winters ago for much of the time. My Auntie and Uncle have a beautiful home situated on lovely Lake Hartwell just over the border of GA and SC.

This is Sandy from underneath! He was on the glass coffee table and his feets cracked me up!

My little tree that made it two months in a container to get all the way to Alaska.
I left it behind. He seemed so happy living there next to the big spruce...

For much of the winter from Feb until mid-May I stayed at that lovely house on the lake with my Aunt and Uncle's cat, Sandy. What a lovely housemate he was! Quiet, sweet, slept a lot and he didn't create clutter except in his litterbox.

Otherwise? The perfect housemate.

Now, on the other hand he wasn't much of a conversationalist and he liked sleeping on my head, which can be tricky, but otherwise I'd take Sandy over almost any person, any old time.

Which also would be tricky, because beloved Sandy has passed on to the next realm. Boy, I loved that kitty.

So, since that lovely winter of content, I've packed up, moved across country, got married, moved my shit into the old log cabin, nursed him through his triple surgery, took care of the house, dog, cooking, laundry, opened up my businesses, found jobs as a writer and copy editor and pet-sitter, and operator of a Bed and Breakfast on Airbnb.com, then sued Mr. Sunshine for divorce (still in process, as you all know), he kicked me out of my own house, so I packed up again, moved again and now here I am typing this in my new place.

Of course, there are a lot of things that happened in between and sideways and it's basically been a giant clusterf*ck since I met Mr. Sunshine, but here I remain.

I'm still positive, still smart, still working, still breathing, still smiling most of the time.

Except today? I kinda feel bummed out.

Labor Day weekend always kind of bums me out. I sort of feel like a fish out of water during these holidays. The long weekend looms in front of me.

No one has invited me to do anything.

Luckily my cousin and his lovely wife are here tomorrow evening, but then they fly out on Sunday morning.

I was supposed to go see one of my most favorite comedians tonight at the fair (Jim Gaffigan), but the person who was supposed to go with me backed out. And I paid for her ticket and she was supposed to reimburse me? So now I'm out the $40 and I don't have anyone to go with.

Totally bummy.

Plus, also? It's raining and cold. Not exactly the cheeriest weather for sitting outside listening to a comedian...

Totally bummed out.

So I'm trying to sell the tickets on Craig's List and Facebook.

SO BUMMY.

Oh, and I have a sinus headache that is utterly delightful. The weather really makes or breaks me sometimes. Plus the hormones.

It's fun being a woman sometimes. I actually do love it 90% of the time, but I could do without the hormonal swings EACH effing month and the ensuing grossness. I've been at this for 40 years now.

Yeesh.

Well, I've got to get my proverbial shit together and then I have to attend a class at the courthouse on Family Law since I'm representing myself in court for the divorce.  (It's free and it's required by the State.)

So, I'm gonna strap my brain on and go learn some stuff.

Happy long weekend to the rest of the world.

Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Questions and answers

My Koty and Lady with Dan on Boaty. Miss all of those!

My sweet Sadie. A gentle gentle soul

Nope. I didn't get to keep Phoebe. It's been the worst part of all of this. She was my little companion all day and all night. She slept with me, rode with me, sat with me. She was my little squirrel and I miss her so badly it kills.

No, the divorce isn't final yet. He keeps delaying it with his stupid antics. Filed a motion for interim possession of the home. So that gave me all of 2 weeks to move everything out. All of my possessions, furniture, piano, clothing, beds, dishes, all of it. Then he filed ANOTHER thing with the court informing them that he had to be "out of town" all last week for his imaginary job interviews. No one is going to hire him. He was summarily asked to vacate his job in May and his staff is under a gag order. No one can or will be able to give him a decent recommendation because he SUCKS.

I don't know when the court date is for the divorce proceedings. My guess is that Mr. Sunshine will attempt to delay it as much as possible because he is running out of money because he's UNEMPLOYED and refuses to even work part-time to make any money. His idea of working is to lazily fill out on online application for some job he'll never get and then take the dog for a hike or a "bicycle ride."

Yeah. That's tough.

No, I don't talk to him or see him or go anywhere near him. I cannot stand the sound of his voice or to even see him. It makes me nauseous. He's pretty much evil incarnate and looks so menacingly at me it scares the bejesus out of me.

I am okay. Yes. I am fine. I'm still reeling from the changes. I have been sleeping a LOT to catch up from the emotion and physical move I had to make so quickly. My arthritis is terrible and my back hurts all the time, but I'm able to sleep and that's been a blessing.

Eating again has been quite helpful, too. I bet I went days on end with nothing in my body but water and Rolaids and Pepto Bismol. I was barfing all the time from coughing and then the nerves. I have anxiety disorder which he KNEW and sort of used that to his advantage knowing that it was one more way he could control me by making me shaky and upset.

I've lost a lot of weight but have been able to eat again, so I hope to put back on about 10 pounds. Losing weight through nerves and being sick all the time is NOT the way to do it. Yuck.

When I know more about the divorce proceeding I will let you know. I have to attend a class this week on Family Law (it's free) since I am representing myself in court. I know that he also has to attend the same class but at a different date - I do not know what his date is. So, the divorce will happen after we both have attended the class.

In the meantime, I filed a motion for an expedited interim order for him to pay for my move. I'm asking him to pay for the money I had to shell out for the apartment and the movers. I cannot and could not afford it and he knows damn well that I have no money left because of everything he has lied about and done to me. I know I moved her under my own volition, but I would NEVER have moved here if he had actually told me the truth about his life and his job and his REAL intentions toward me. He married me thinking I was the Bank of Lisa. Jesus, did he get THAT wrong.

He's a sociopath. Mentally ill. It does not excuse his bad behavior but it gives me the slightest comfort to know that it's not me. I didn't do anything wrong by believing him. He's a very very talented liar. He was fond of saying "Well... I just didn't tell you the WHOLE truth.''

Hmmm. Sounds suspiciously like a lie to me. But what the hell do I know?

He got asked to leave his job for the same reason I'm divorcing him. Misogynists do not change their colors. He loves the aspect of control over women. It was clear to me that I was dealing with a somewhat dangerous person and I acted accordingly until I knew it was time for me to get out or get maimed or hurt in some other way. I don't think he'd kill me, but he certainly was so menacing the way he'd look at me. He just loved trying to control me through fear tactics, but never crossing the line enough to constitute abuse. It was all very subtle.

Then he'd tell me I was bat-shit crazy and needed to go back into therapy. That I was making all of this up. This was simply another tactic to attempt control over me. Make me think it was all made up in my pretty little head.

No, I don't know what his plans are with the house and everything. Last time I was there all the carpet was ripped up and he had a sample of a dark, cheap, brown carpet that it looks like he intended to have put in to replace the disgusting pee- and poop-stained carpet that he had in the house when I moved in.

He has no furniture.

I do know the neighbors have been helping take care of the dog and helping with the yard (the yard looks awful).

I don't know if he intends to sell it or rent it out as a Bed and Breakfast. I do know that he's gonna have a tough time selling the house in the condition it exists now. There is a mains support beam that was damaged in the last two big earthquakes we had in the last year. Two of them were in the 6.24 range and quite long in duration, so the house sank in the middle by almost an inch.

There is a retaining wall that is completely rotted out, so the front yard is gonna spill out onto the driveway at some point.

The roof is not new. It's 6 years old and needs some help.

The kitchen appliances are vintage from the 60s. Ancient.

The color scheme in the house is quite bold and will not be to very many people's liking. I also know from my real estate friends that an old log cabin home is not what sells in Alaska. People here like new construction and things that are shiny and pretty. There is nothing shiny about that house. Of course, that's why I loved it so much. It was OLD and decidedly NOT shiny. I like things that other people do not.

The garden, for instance, I let it go completely native wildflowers and very un-manicured. I like things the way they're SUPPOSED to be. Untamed and as nature intended. Of course, he's completely ruined it. Manicured the front to within an inch of its life. Cut back all the old lilacs, all the old plum, all the old roses. Cut back the laurels - not sure they'll bounce back after the horrible way he cut them during the last phase of their growing season.

He cut down the gorgeous spruce that was a shade/privacy plant claiming it was too close to the foundation. It wasn't. Somebody told him that in order to sell the house it needs to be visible from the road.

Well, what that means is now the people in the road can see INTO the house. There are no curtains. No privacy anymore. It's awful.

And, yes. I'm fine. I can lament my losses still. It's all very fresh. I have moved on in the physical sense, but the emotional part of me always lags. Jeez, I still miss my dogs and they've been gone for years and years. Lady died in 2007 and I STILL miss her so much.

Today would have been the 13th anniversary of my marriage to Dan. I still miss him, too. I think that if you truly loved someone or even something (like my houses that I loved) it's natural to grieve those losses.

If you don't grieve, then you never truly move on.

So, I think that covers the most of it. All the questions! All the time! I appreciate that you all are interested in my world and so much has happened in the last year, I totally understand the questions abound.

I'm just getting tired of talking about it. It consumes too much of my energy and that asshole doesn't deserve one more iota of my time or energy.

I appreciate your support, all of you. Financially, emotionally and some of you, physically, by helping me move. I SOOOO appreciate it.

Now it's time for me to get ready for work! The Anchorage Press awaits my brain shortly!

Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Life as it is. August 31st 2015. Ch-ch-ch-CHANGES doesn't even begin to cover this crap.

So, here I sit in my new bedroom on my new internet connection in my new apartment with my new housemate and my meatloaf sandwich (turkey, of course, Hank!)...

I haven't blogged in probably a month because of the BOATLOAD of BULLSHIT I've had to contend with.

Let's see.

Found more evidence that Mr. Sunshine is, in fact, a giant pervert kleptomaniac angry giant troll.

But that needs not be broadcast here. The fact that he is a giant turd has been duly established.

Ahem.

So, instead of agreeing to the dissolution that I had so kindly offered and asked for again and again, he said "we'll see."

We all know what that meant. I meant he had something in the works.

And what that was? Was a court order for Interim Possession of the Home. He kicked me out.

And for shits and giggles he had this order expedited so I would have NO TIME to get the fuck out.

However, what Mr. Sunshine failed to know because he's an IDIOT, is that I had already put a deposit down on a gorgeous apartment on Lake Hood on a quiet, dead-end street. It's tiny. Only about 1000 square feet, but it's GORGEOUS and safe and quiet and there's no one LURCHING around all the time making noise at all hours of the day and night interrupting my goddamn precious sleep.

During all of this, I, of course got very sick. Bronchitis and was barfing constantly from the coughing and also from the nerves. I was on edge 24-7. Barricaded myself in the upstairs bedroom with bear spray next to my head in case Mr. Sunshine went on one of his viagra-drinking-who-knows-what-else the fuck he was doing to make him quietly seethe with rage toward me.

Now, mind you, he got himself fired just a few days after my previous post. He was not allowed to attend the graduation or anything. His staff is under a gag order - not supposed to talk or contact him in any way, shape or form.

For some reason, he feels that all of these bad things happen to him because of some external evil force (me) and that he has no responsibility for the fact that I do not ever want to see him again, that he was fired, that his children despise him and his ex-wife tried to break his jaw from being so angry with him over what he had done to her and his family.

I will not go into detail to protect the innocent, but I will warn the women of Alaska to steer clear of anyone by the first name of Kelly. He is NOT a good guy. He's really good at faking it for about 6 months and then? The true colors come out.

He's unkind, stingy, creepy as all hell, watches porn, plays video games, is unemployed and has two ex-wives who despise him. His two motivators in life? Beer and sex. Sometimes there's pot involved sometimes not.

Oh, and he uses  my sweet little dog to lure women to him. She's adorable and sweet and lovely. And he leaves her at home at night. Alone. In the dark. While he's out prowling for the next victim he can get his grubby hands on.

He loves talking about himself and the wilderness and his grand adventures back in the day.

He only talks about that shit so you'll become mesmerized and think he's some kind of Jack Kerouac kind of guy.

He has NO spirituality. He's an atheist cretin who, above all else, is a misogynist.

There is nothing he enjoyed more than my failures. He's an "I told you so" type of creep. Kick you when you're down and then laugh gleefully as you rub your bruises.

When I was so sick with bronchitis, he'd laugh as I'd run to the bathroom to barf.

When I was moving boxes and all of my stuff out of the house. He'd laugh as he'd watch me struggle with my bad back and arthritis.

It got to the point where I asked the court to please make him leave the premises when I was there moving my shit. I got tired of him laughing as the tears streamed down my face.

And, in the State of Alaska, none of his shit are deemed abusive. Not the pictures he ripped, not the things of mine he stole, the money, the harassment, the threatening demeanor, the raging, the lying to the police about how much he'd been drinking, the menacing way he'd look at me with his seething sneers.

Not one constitutes abuse. He's a smart asshole and he knows how to get up to the line to make you afraid of him, but he doesn't quite cross it.

What he didn't understand is that I know self defense and karate. I also know how to use a goddamn bat and golf club (of which I have both). I WILL defend myself verbally and physically, if need be.

He didn't count on that part. That I'm smarter and stronger-willed than any other woman he's known.

He once told me I was needy.

Say what?

I am decidedly UN-needy, M*therF*cker.

There were lots of red flags from the beginning, but I had convinced myself that he was just kind of goofy and harmless.

Whoops.

Got that 100% wrong.

So, I'm all moved in and settled at my new gorgeous house and have no regrets except that I didn't do it sooner...

C'est la vie. Live and learn and MOVE ON.

May he rot in his special corner of hell. I ain't gonna be next to him.

Ciao for now and thanks for reading!

Turning of the Tides

This is a draft post from May 26th. Never published it. Here it is.

Such a different place I'm in now. Literally and physically. Amazing. Weird. Life if totally weird.

Here's my perspective on May 26 of 2015:


So, living here in Alaska is a study in extremes. Dark dark dark, then it gets light light light. Green green green followed by white white white.

It's never sort of just "normal" but instead it's always screaming in one direction or the other.

I do know that I cannot handle another winter here. It's waaaaaay to much with the lack of color and lack of light.

Right now it's light pretty much all the time. It gets dark-ish in the wee hours of the morning, but then the light comes rushing back in very quickly. We have 18 hours and 20 minutes of sunlight and that doesn't include twilight and pre-sunrise in the morning.

It's a lot of light and it's frankly too MUCH light. It screws with normal circadian rhythms.

Last night, for instance, I worked and worked in my neighbor's house painting her kitchen. My hands, mind you, are arthritic, sot this is no small feat to paint for hours on end. By the time I finished going up and down a ladder 850 times and rolling and then painting trim and edging, I was pooped.

Met up with some friends for a continuation of my birthday week (!!) and then got home, made dinner and plopped down to watch some TV with my husband.

Well, I fell fast asleep half way through the episode of Mad Men we were watching. Went up to bed and awoke at 9:00.

It was so damn light out that I thought it was 9 in the AM not 9 in the PM!! I was soooo confused.

Luckily my husband was awake and was able to inform me that it was not morning yet.

???

That's just weird. To not be able to tell the difference between 9AM and 9PM? Weird.

And, NO. I was not drunk! Just exhausted from the gardening, the painting and cleaning this house to within an inch of its life!

We are renting the house out as a Bed and Breakfast on the Airbnb website. We've gotten a ton of attention and have 5 bookings thus far. In the meantime, the house needs to be decluttered and pretty much perfect, so I've done nothing for the last couple weeks but clean, garden and paint. Clean, garden and paint.

And now? I've been offered another job here in town! I'm so excited I can't stand it, but I will not jinx it until my meeting with the EDITOR on Thursday! So, there's that! (SOOOO EXCITED!)