Learning a LOT in Alaska

A quote by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Ok. So I've not blogged in quite some time. Life gets in the way and those pesky bills and all that rot. It's been a money-sucking roller coaster of a ride for me in the last year. I've made a lot of money but it finds its way out of my pocket immediately. I will spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say it involved lawyers.

'Nuff said.

Kayaking on Portage Lake with a small iceberg from Portage Glacier. That's some cool stuff!

What I really want to talk about are the blog posts where I complained about Alaskans and their use of the term "outsiders" and referring to other people as people from the "Outside" and the separate-ness with which Alaskans carry themselves.

Well. Now I find that I am a transplant, yes. However, I have become involved in the affairs of Alaska, the politics, the people the different cultures and then running into the "outsiders" myself. The outsiders complain about the rain.

Alaskans were so thankful for the rain so it would put out the wildfire that was raging at McHugh Creek and beyond. We were also thankful for the rain to water the beautiful diverse plants, trees and birds and other critters that needed it so desperately after it was so hot and dry for weeks.

The outsiders complain about the homeless people and look down at them.

Alaskans understand that it's a complex issue that involves the native cultures in the interior, mental health going unchecked, incest, rape, violence, physical and mental abuse, lack of education, lack of modern conveniences, lack of good health care available out in the interior, lack of money ... The list is huge and they're all intertwined with each other and it's not a problem that can be solved easily or quickly.

Slowly the "system" is catching on that the solution is not to arrest people who are in terrible mental and physical shape. The answer is to get them help. Proper services.

Escapism is the name of the game here, kids. If you suffered multiple rapes by your grandfather, uncles, your own father, brothers and beyond–might you self-medicate? I'd say YES.

When there's no way out - you have no money, no transportation, no way to even call for help? What do you think you'd do?

I know for sure I'd not judge someone for self-medicating when they have literally NO options.

Unless you've lived here and seen it for yourself, stop with the judging and angry blame game.

You see, I'm friends with several natives who are from different cultures. Aleut, Inuit, Yu'pik, Inupiaq, Athabascan, Tlingit and more. All have their own cultural difference - language, dress, subsistence living practices ...

Alaska is VERY complex. The environment here is not like any other state in the United States. We have more in common here with the northern reaches of Canada, Scandinavia and Iceland than the other 49.

As such the needs of Alaska are different than the other 49. Yet, Alaska finds itself under-represented in caucuses, conventions and anything else political except the Senate. Even the voting is depressing in national elections. The results are on television before most even head to the polls. Alaskans feel like their vote just doesn't matter.

Isn't that terrible? That 4 hour time difference is really crappy for Alaska. We know who won, so why bother?  Can't blame the people here for feeling utterly left out.

Yes, we have few people, but what Alaska lacks in humans we make up for by sheer size and environmental resources that are being exploited by companies that are NOT owned or run by Alaskans. Alaska and the people herein feel very used by the United States, England and other countries that come here - take a foothold - and then abandon Alaska the minute things get tough.

I cannot tell you how many people I know who've recently lost their jobs, their homes - EVERYTHING. They were forced to get in their car and just drive away with whatever they could carry. This includes some of our military and their families. 5000 troops were cut. See ya. Good luck. Multiply that by their wives, husbands, children - all the money that removes from the Alaskan economy. It's a HUGE impact.

Life is hard everywhere. Yes.

Life is harder in Alaska. I know this to be true. I am living proof.

But it sure is beautiful.

Thanks for reading. Ciao for now. Go hug a tree or kiss your dog or look at a pretty bird.

And for the love of all that is HOLY, please stop saying the word Trump. The man is utterly ridiculous and is making a mockery of our entire country.

Beware Pickpockets and Loose Women!

Hey everybody! I'm coming up for air finally! Woooo hoooo!

The show, Lounge Lizards, is underway and going SO well. The actors, the music, the food, the theatre, the publicity - all of it is going better than we'd ever hoped or imagined about a week ago!

If you know anyone in the Anchorage area, please tell them to check out the Anchorage Dinner Theatre at the Anchorage Lofts Hotel in downtown Anchorage (4th Avenue and C Street). Loads of parking in the garage across the street and on 3rd there is a lot, as well.

Live music after the show in the bar attached to our theatre! We were dancing until midnight last night after the opening of the show!

Also worth mentioning, we are still trying to raise funds to be able to pay our actors every week and to cover the cost of all the infrastructure (lights, building a stage, sound board, props, costumes, printing and publicity costs...really adds up!) So, if you're in a position to help out a VERY fine production and a talented group of starving artists, please visit our Go Fund Me page:

https://www.gofundme.com/akdinnertheatre

Thank you in advance!

Amazing what a week of rehearsals can do when you're working with such a talented group of professionals. Shout out to Julia, Arthur, Sarah and Devin and our great behind-the-scenes people - Ron, David, Rich, Jenn, Dave and so many others.

Being a part of this production has been a wonderful experience and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to participate in any way. Being named an associate producer is humbling and I strive to live up to everyone's expectations.

Now, enough gushing about this awesome stuff...

I love me some Colin Firth.

So, there are a few men who've gotten my attention. They're all married (of course), but they are still the object of my affection from afar.

There are two men who do not live here that are single and if they lived here, I'd certainly love to be the someone special of either of them. They're both fantastic people. However, one lives in Seattle and the other lives near Boston, so I'm SOL with that!

It's kind of funny. Age does not seem to be the defining factor. Or vocation. Or even political affiliation (which is a shocker).

I forget this young man's name, he was on American Idol a while back. Adorable.

Being a single woman in Alaska is sort of like living in a man factory. It's totally fascinating and strange, for sure.

The women of Alaska have an awesome saying that certainly rings true - "The odds are good? Yes. But the goods? ARE ODD!"

And we all joke that it's a joke, but it ain't no joke! The men who have lived here a long time or who were born and raised here are just different than most of the men you'd meet in the lower 48. And yes, we do say that and it pertains perfectly to the sitch in Alaska.

You have to go through international airspace to get here. That makes us unique in the United States.

So, yes, the men of the lower 48 are different, for sure. Rarely do you meet men like you do EVERY DAY in Alaska. They're effing tough as nails and know how to do just about everything - build stuff, hunt for stuff, chop wood, fix cars, fishing, play music (everyone plays at least one instrument) - they're really manly men who do manly things.

The only people I can really compare to the guys here are all my fisher/captain friends on the East Coast and they boys in Michigan and Wisconsin. Those Midwestern guys are very similar to the Alaskan boys and that's probably why I'm so drawn to some of the fellas here. It's all very familiar to me and sends me back to my girlhood in Michigan!

And I love me some Jeff Bridges.

Matthew ain't too shabby, either.

I suppose there are men like that in the West, too - cowboy types. We see quite a few cowboys here in Alaska and they just exude manliness. They're not my type but I can understand why so many women are drawn to them. Same with the biker dudes. I have some women friends here who get all hot and bothered when they see a tough looking dude with tattoos everywhere and long hair decked out in leather. Not my type at all, but I get the idea of why they're attractive to certain women.

Same thing goes for guys in uniform. Military, firefighters, policemen, you name it. I don't know ANY women who don't like that! Vrooom vroom!

So, there's no point at all to this post other than to say - if you're a single woman in your 30s, 40s, 50s or beyond? Just sayin'.

Ciao for now & thanks for reading!

Vroomm vrooom!

xoxo

Dumbfounded, Shocked and Amazed

This is the pretty, furnished room that I will be renting out.
Available October 1st.

Okie dokie.

Another little sort of ranty post but not really.

I'm just gonna tell you what happened and see what you think.

So, I'm 50 years old. I'm newly single -ish. I'm separated and close to the finish line on the divorce.

That's all just fact.

This person with whom I am currently living is a 40s professional person, an engineer.

More facts.

She dates on occasion and goes out after work with her work friends. She also is going to school to complete her Master's degree.

I like all of those things about her.

She can be silly and likes to laugh and tells great stories about the trials and tribulations of dating and also the situation at her workplace.

Now. Back to the sitch here at the abode.

So, I pay more than half of the rent. I also paid ALL of the security deposit for this apartment.

I do most of the cleaning, take out the garbage, recycle, etc. Her room is smaller than mine, but she's using all of my furniture, dishes, cooking utensils, etc. She has her room decorated like she likes and I even gave her an extra closet in the hallway that is solely hers. She also is using the garage for storage. I even unpacked three of her boxes that sat in the dining area.

Now. Onto the things that finally got my goat only 2 weeks into living with her. TWO WEEKS.

First off, I also like the company of men from time to time. There is a man I met during the Iditarod who is coming to visit me hopefully in December. I have a GIANT crush on him. He also comes to town from time to time as he lives part-time in Alaska.

When he and I made plans to get together while he was here, I stayed at his place one evening and then I decided I'd like to make him dinner and have him spend the night here, too. Mind you, he's gone for months at a time, so I don't see him all that often, but we remain in touch by phone, text, email...

So, I told my housemate that he was coming over and would be spending the night here.

SHE looked at me - totally AGHAST - and exclaimed, "HE'S SPENDING THE NIGHT?"

And I simply replied, "Yes. He's spending the night."

Is it unreasonable for a 50 year old woman to have a man-friend spend the night once in a while?

This is my house. Like the place where I live. As in, I pay rent to live here and this is where I sleep and if I want someone to stay here - once in a while - it's totally my prerogative.

Right?

Now, I know it's HER place of residence, too, but I'm not asking her to share HER bed with me and my guy friend! She still has her private space. Not to mention, when he does stay here, my bedroom is right next to the bathroom. He does not wander around the house! She still can use the living room, kitchen, laundry, bathroom...

So he showed up unexpectedly last week after his flight got cancelled at midnight. I was not cool with him showing up unannounced and ringing the doorbell at midnight, and then just assuming he could spend the night here. All of those things were quite uncool but I was not gonna send him off in the rain without a vehicle (he had taken a taxi from the airport).

He spend the night that night and again the following night. Again, it's not like he's here all the time and these last couple nights were totally unplanned and I could have had no way to know he'd show up like he did.

Two days later, the housemate person announced that she was not okay with him staying here (at all). That she was afraid she was going to "run into him" whatever that means.

Hmmm. So, now she's telling me who I can have in the house? Hmmmmm.

The thing here, too, is that she likes to run around the house in just her bath robe. I'm certainly not thrilled seeing her in her robe all the time, but I was taught a sense of decorum wherein if the situation were reversed? I'd never be running about in my robe if SHE had a guest or guests here. I'd be properly covered up and respectful of THEIR space and time together.

THEN my married friends L and T flew in on Saturday evening. I'd told the roommate several times that they were arriving in the evening on SATURDAY. Not a Monday or Wednesday, not a work day, but a WEEKEND day.

These people flew 5000 miles to see me and I haven't seen them since last October! Almost a whole year! And this is one of my best buddies from Massachusetts and her hubby.

So, they arrived later than expected at about 9:30pm. Of course there was hugging and conversation and I got them settled with their luggage in my room and blah blah blah.

Well, I opened some wine for them and we were in the living room just talking. The husband was in the kitchen getting a beer and talking when the roommate burst out of her room (in her robe, of course) and very tersely exclaimed "Can you please keep it down? I'm TRYING to sleep!"

I was dumbfounded. It wasn't even 10:00pm. They hadn't even been in the house for a whole half an hour before she SO rudely made them feel totally unwelcome. SO rude.

Now, of course, if the situation were reversed, I'd have come out (with CLOTHES on), introduced myself and then probably make a reference to the fact that I was pooped and was going to turn in early. That would be the cue for the other parties involved to know that you'd enjoy a quieter environment.

There are also these great things called EAR PLUGS. I use them almost every morning when the roommate is banging about getting ready for work.

There are ways to say or do things without being utterly and completely without manners. It was horrifying and embarrassing that this person would be so icky to my guests who had just traveled for a WHOLE day just to visit me all the way here in Alaska.

Ugh.

So, my guests and I went out to breakfast Sunday morning and did some sightseeing. We came back here and she, of course, was in the damn robe making her coffee and being passively aggressively surly.

The husband, T, actually approached her and apologized for keeping her up. And she mumbled something rude, certainly not being nice about it or saying anything kind back to him.

I didn't speak to her at all for fear of what I might say. I was TRULY and am STILL very angry that she could be that shitty to my good friends.

I left with them and took them on a long sightseeing day. Ended up in gorgeous Seward and spent the night at my favorite cabin/retreat center called Angel's Rest. It's heavenly.

Resurrection Bay yesterday at about noontime. 

This is a four-apartment cabin at Angel's Rest. I stayed in the one
on the lower right with the pretty deck! I've also stayed in the lower left one.
All are different and totally lovely.



Click on this link:  This my friend, Hobo, who spent all his spare time with me!

While I was away I really thought a lot about how this all went down and what on EARTH motivates people to be shitty like that. Especially in a living situation there is a level of compromise that is required.

What did she possibly gain by being rude to my friends? Or to attempt to dictate who/where/when I can have people in my own home?

Why would you want to be nasty like that? It's only going to create resentments and upset.

And? It did.

I got home fairly late from my trip back to Anchorage. I was BEAT. Long two days... Hell, it's been a long effing year for me between two moves, a pending divorce and dealing with all the emotion and physical drain.

She was thankfully not home. So, I unpacked and went right to bed after having a light dinner. I also left her a note asking for her to find somewhere else to live. There was no discussion needed as far as I'm concerned.

Selfish, entitled people cannot be changed. I am divorcing one of them and I CERTAINLY do not need to live with another one.

So when she came in last night she knocked on my door and informed me that she was seeking a new location but reminded me, of course, that she is paid through the end of the month and would be here until then.

I grunted "Good." And that was that.

Know anyone who wants to live in a gorgeous, furnished apartment?

Jeez.

I've had it up to my EYEBROWS with the effing drama here. I need calm. CALM. No more.

Ok. Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Questions and answers

My Koty and Lady with Dan on Boaty. Miss all of those!

My sweet Sadie. A gentle gentle soul

Nope. I didn't get to keep Phoebe. It's been the worst part of all of this. She was my little companion all day and all night. She slept with me, rode with me, sat with me. She was my little squirrel and I miss her so badly it kills.

No, the divorce isn't final yet. He keeps delaying it with his stupid antics. Filed a motion for interim possession of the home. So that gave me all of 2 weeks to move everything out. All of my possessions, furniture, piano, clothing, beds, dishes, all of it. Then he filed ANOTHER thing with the court informing them that he had to be "out of town" all last week for his imaginary job interviews. No one is going to hire him. He was summarily asked to vacate his job in May and his staff is under a gag order. No one can or will be able to give him a decent recommendation because he SUCKS.

I don't know when the court date is for the divorce proceedings. My guess is that Mr. Sunshine will attempt to delay it as much as possible because he is running out of money because he's UNEMPLOYED and refuses to even work part-time to make any money. His idea of working is to lazily fill out on online application for some job he'll never get and then take the dog for a hike or a "bicycle ride."

Yeah. That's tough.

No, I don't talk to him or see him or go anywhere near him. I cannot stand the sound of his voice or to even see him. It makes me nauseous. He's pretty much evil incarnate and looks so menacingly at me it scares the bejesus out of me.

I am okay. Yes. I am fine. I'm still reeling from the changes. I have been sleeping a LOT to catch up from the emotion and physical move I had to make so quickly. My arthritis is terrible and my back hurts all the time, but I'm able to sleep and that's been a blessing.

Eating again has been quite helpful, too. I bet I went days on end with nothing in my body but water and Rolaids and Pepto Bismol. I was barfing all the time from coughing and then the nerves. I have anxiety disorder which he KNEW and sort of used that to his advantage knowing that it was one more way he could control me by making me shaky and upset.

I've lost a lot of weight but have been able to eat again, so I hope to put back on about 10 pounds. Losing weight through nerves and being sick all the time is NOT the way to do it. Yuck.

When I know more about the divorce proceeding I will let you know. I have to attend a class this week on Family Law (it's free) since I am representing myself in court. I know that he also has to attend the same class but at a different date - I do not know what his date is. So, the divorce will happen after we both have attended the class.

In the meantime, I filed a motion for an expedited interim order for him to pay for my move. I'm asking him to pay for the money I had to shell out for the apartment and the movers. I cannot and could not afford it and he knows damn well that I have no money left because of everything he has lied about and done to me. I know I moved her under my own volition, but I would NEVER have moved here if he had actually told me the truth about his life and his job and his REAL intentions toward me. He married me thinking I was the Bank of Lisa. Jesus, did he get THAT wrong.

He's a sociopath. Mentally ill. It does not excuse his bad behavior but it gives me the slightest comfort to know that it's not me. I didn't do anything wrong by believing him. He's a very very talented liar. He was fond of saying "Well... I just didn't tell you the WHOLE truth.''

Hmmm. Sounds suspiciously like a lie to me. But what the hell do I know?

He got asked to leave his job for the same reason I'm divorcing him. Misogynists do not change their colors. He loves the aspect of control over women. It was clear to me that I was dealing with a somewhat dangerous person and I acted accordingly until I knew it was time for me to get out or get maimed or hurt in some other way. I don't think he'd kill me, but he certainly was so menacing the way he'd look at me. He just loved trying to control me through fear tactics, but never crossing the line enough to constitute abuse. It was all very subtle.

Then he'd tell me I was bat-shit crazy and needed to go back into therapy. That I was making all of this up. This was simply another tactic to attempt control over me. Make me think it was all made up in my pretty little head.

No, I don't know what his plans are with the house and everything. Last time I was there all the carpet was ripped up and he had a sample of a dark, cheap, brown carpet that it looks like he intended to have put in to replace the disgusting pee- and poop-stained carpet that he had in the house when I moved in.

He has no furniture.

I do know the neighbors have been helping take care of the dog and helping with the yard (the yard looks awful).

I don't know if he intends to sell it or rent it out as a Bed and Breakfast. I do know that he's gonna have a tough time selling the house in the condition it exists now. There is a mains support beam that was damaged in the last two big earthquakes we had in the last year. Two of them were in the 6.24 range and quite long in duration, so the house sank in the middle by almost an inch.

There is a retaining wall that is completely rotted out, so the front yard is gonna spill out onto the driveway at some point.

The roof is not new. It's 6 years old and needs some help.

The kitchen appliances are vintage from the 60s. Ancient.

The color scheme in the house is quite bold and will not be to very many people's liking. I also know from my real estate friends that an old log cabin home is not what sells in Alaska. People here like new construction and things that are shiny and pretty. There is nothing shiny about that house. Of course, that's why I loved it so much. It was OLD and decidedly NOT shiny. I like things that other people do not.

The garden, for instance, I let it go completely native wildflowers and very un-manicured. I like things the way they're SUPPOSED to be. Untamed and as nature intended. Of course, he's completely ruined it. Manicured the front to within an inch of its life. Cut back all the old lilacs, all the old plum, all the old roses. Cut back the laurels - not sure they'll bounce back after the horrible way he cut them during the last phase of their growing season.

He cut down the gorgeous spruce that was a shade/privacy plant claiming it was too close to the foundation. It wasn't. Somebody told him that in order to sell the house it needs to be visible from the road.

Well, what that means is now the people in the road can see INTO the house. There are no curtains. No privacy anymore. It's awful.

And, yes. I'm fine. I can lament my losses still. It's all very fresh. I have moved on in the physical sense, but the emotional part of me always lags. Jeez, I still miss my dogs and they've been gone for years and years. Lady died in 2007 and I STILL miss her so much.

Today would have been the 13th anniversary of my marriage to Dan. I still miss him, too. I think that if you truly loved someone or even something (like my houses that I loved) it's natural to grieve those losses.

If you don't grieve, then you never truly move on.

So, I think that covers the most of it. All the questions! All the time! I appreciate that you all are interested in my world and so much has happened in the last year, I totally understand the questions abound.

I'm just getting tired of talking about it. It consumes too much of my energy and that asshole doesn't deserve one more iota of my time or energy.

I appreciate your support, all of you. Financially, emotionally and some of you, physically, by helping me move. I SOOOO appreciate it.

Now it's time for me to get ready for work! The Anchorage Press awaits my brain shortly!

Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Newsflash! More Bad News!

Sounds familiar. 

Loose women! hee!

Just a little aside here, kids.

When someone is going through a tough time, I believe it's proper etiquette to not tell them MORE bad news about something or someone else.

Or send them articles about deeply depressing things about certain possible health issues or cancer scares.

Honestly?

Like I need one more damn thing on my plate right now?

Send me kittens or videos of dogs singing, thank you.

I need positive distractions, not doom or gloom. Yeesh.

My friend in MA sent a very nice article today about being fully yourself. How to let go of the distractions and attempt to focus on the here and now.

Well, that, too is all fine and dandy when you've got money in the bank and can focus on that.

Right now? I'm wondering how on EARTH I'm gonna pay some bills that are due in the next two weeks. I haven't got anything in the bank and people keep saying they're gonna hire me to work in their garden or at their house and then? They disappear on me. There is absolutely a lack of follow-through in Anchorage.

It's the oddest thing.

I show up when I say I'm going to. I do what I tell people I am gonna do. I call when I say I'm going to and if I can't do something, I let people know well in advance.

On the other hand, I cannot tell you how many times I've shown up for a client meeting and then POOF? They are a no-show and they don't even call to say they're sorry when I text or call to remind them of our meeting.

I've driven almost an hour round-trip to a client's house to confer with her on her garden? She wasn't home. And there were no apologies when I saw her. She just said, "Oh, I flaked out."

Yep. You did.

And you wasted an hour out of my day. Actually more, because I had planned to spend at least an hour planning your garden with you. SO, it was 2 hours of wasted time. That translates to $80.

My time is valuable. I have sh*t to do. Things going on. Even if it looks like I'm just browsing at a garden center, I'm not. I'm taking mental notes. Comparing prices to the other three garden centers I've just visited.

When I go to the Botanical Garden, I'm not doing it for fun. It's a fact-finding mission so I can see the native plants that thrive here in Alaska. I've only lived here for a year and I'm learning all the time. I ask questions, I wanna know so my business will also thrive!

When I'm at the restaurant up the street, I'm networking. The bartenders know me and actually give my card to patrons who they know might use my business. I strike up conversations wherever I go - yes, I'm friendly - but it's also an attempt at shameless self-promotion! And it works about 90% of the time. If I can give my card out at least once or twice a day? That's forward motion.

So, re-establishing yourself in a completely different part of the world is a challenge. It's a matter of learning your environment and also the behavior of the humans therein.

It's a totally different place here in Alaska, from a purely psychological standpoint. People REALLY are different. Like REALLY REALLY different. I'd have poo-pooed it if someone had told me that people's behavior would be so different here, but here I am, and I'm tellin' ya? It's just straight up WEIRD.

I've lived all over the world and in many parts of the country I've experienced the "locals." From California to Florida to Maine to Michigan and lots of places in between.

Midwestern people: Nice. Helpful. Kind. Do unto others as you would have done to you. Salt of the earth. Slow-paced type of life. Family-oriented.

Southern people: SUPER nice. Very kind. Genteel. Very respectful toward women. A little scary with the guns. Traditional. Slow-paced. Family-oriented.

California/Oregon/Washington people: Laid back. Outdoorsy. Judgemental. Frugal. Generally take themselves too seriously (in my humble opinion). Creative.

Northeast people: Appear cold at first, but once you're vetted? They will kill for you. True. Kind. Generous. Giving. Highly philanthropic. Creative. Smart and QUICK. Family and friend-oriented.

West but not West coast Westn people: Highly independent. Self-sufficient. Free-thinking and a bit on the wild side. Family oriented. Helpful and make-do-with-whatcha-got type of attitude.

European people: Self-assured. Smart. Very well-mannered. Highly independent thinking. Creative. Family-oriented. Wordly.

Alaskan people: The women are very much like the Midwestern people but most of the men (the transplant men) come at you with the scary attitude of me me me me me. Not all Alaskans are like that - mind you, I'm being REALLY generalized here on the things I've noticed since moving here. There is just a different attitude about living side by side with others.

Now, the NATIVE Alaskans I've found to be the most wonderful humans I have met to date. Very kind. Very spiritual. VERY intuitive. VERY generous with their time and care. SO in tune with nature and the animals and the seasons. It's what I've been striving to learn and do with my gardening and my study of animals, ecology and conservation.

The people with whom I've made the best friendships here are the Native Alaskans, and the transplanted people from Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin and a smattering of East Coast transplants.

It's like we all immediately recognize another fellow Midwesterner or East Coaster - that's what they call us here or more likely, "One of you damn liberals" - I've had that thrown at me a jillion times.

Nothing makes a person feel more welcome than being immediately pegged in a certain political light.

And, furthermore, what the hell is wrong with liberal-ness?

And, further furthermore, what the hell is your problem?

Don't judge me before you know anything at ALL about me.  Yikes.

Settle down there, Judgy Judgerton. 

It's an odd place to live, for sure. The women of Alaska rock. Pretty much all of them I've met are really amazing women.

But all of the Alaskan women issued me one warning upon my arrival:

"The odds are good. Yes. But? The goods? Are odd."

Ain't THAT the truth.

But then, again, most men and women I know who cohabit or are married or whatever, are in a constant struggle to just "be" together. We come at life SO very differently.

I choose to be positive and to try to be the best I can be for just today. Tomorrow will come and I'll just try to do the same all over again, but I CANNOT change yesterday or make tomorrow different than what it will be. All we've got is right now.

And right now, I'm eating delicious pasta with butter, salt, pepper and parmesean. Then, I'll go work it off as I garden all day today.

Not too bad. I'll take it.

Ciao for now. Thanks for reading.

My bestie, Karen and I were butterflies for Halloween. Natch.
My talented Momma made all of our costumes. 

A Poem and my BIRTHDAY!

Coneflower or echinacea. I love these.

Cute Mr. bumblebee that was cold from the fall night temperatures.
You can pet them, you know? I pet him and he waved his little feets at me.

Nasturtium. I love this buttery yellow variety

Love the antique color of this hydrangea in my old driveway.

This is a garden I re-designed and cared for for 8 years in MA.
It was a glorious shade garden. SO lush and happy.

So, it's officially May 6th. That means it's only 24 days until my beloved birthday. I turn 50 this year and I personally do not understand people who do not love their birthday and who are afraid to say how old they really are.

I'm proud of my 50 years. I've had friends who didn't make it to their 50th, so I am thankful for that large number with the zero on the end of it.

Who cares?

There's that cliche about age just being a number and that your TRUE age is how you feel and act. I think it's true. I have known people who are in their 20s and they are FAR more responsible than I'll ever be. They are "adult" in their actions and their sort of staid manners.

I'm not "adult" if you wanna use those terms. Staid? Moi? Nope!

I find "adult" humans to be rather boring and most times they take themselves far too seriously.

On the other hand, they are the people who have those steady jobs and incomes and a big, fat retirement waiting for them the moment they decide to do that thing.

On the other other hand, I've had a fun and interesting life. I don't have a big, juicy paycheck. I don't have a big fat retirement waiting for me. I will tell you this, though, I've got no regrets. I've never stayed in a miserable job, working in a cubicle, making myself miserable with my 2.5 children and a job that pays just the right amount for my mortgage, food, bills and putting my 2.5 kids into the "right" school and blah blah blah.

Oh, I find the whole idea of living like that completely suffocating.

Never have I wanted to work inside a building. Ever. Ew.

The moment I had a "break" or lunch or whatever when I was working my few short stints as a working stiff, I'd get outside as quickly as possible. If I couldn't be outside, I'd be near a window at least gazing out at the birds or trees or whatever.

I HATE hate hate being in rooms where there are no windows. Ugh. I don't know how people do it. I really really don't.

My days start here in Alaska with the window behind my head cracked open for fresh air and also so I can hear the little cheepy birds start singing at about 4am. They are rose-breasted nuthatch and a couple different kinds of chickadees with their chick-a-dee dee dee dee dee songs and calls.

Upon arising, first thing I do is look out to see the birds and the greenery of the trees. Alaska is amazing in that when spring arrives, it does so fiercely and SOOOO quickly. We already have nearly 17 hours of sunlight. Incredible.

The birch trees have already leafed out with their bright green new leaves. Stunningly bright and beautiful. My Chinese poppies out front are over a foot tall and I just saw that my bleeding heart is about ready to bloom! WOW!! And it's only May 6th! Yeesh!

Generally my puppy dog and I head out into the back yard quickly so she can do her business and I can watch the birds flitting around the yard. SO many of them. Several pairs of chickadees, nuthatch, robins, starlings, warblers, Stellar's jays and more.

It's really quite loud, but so glorious to hear them and to see the amazing growth of the plants and grass back there even in a 24 hour span.

So, the big and little natures have sort of ruled my life. Animals and plants are my gig. People are okay sometimes, but I like most people in sort of smaller doses and I loathe small talk, so it's kind of a weird measured way I lead my existence.

My husband (the current one!) finds me to be extremely flamboyant and overly trusting. I will take both of those adjectives as major compliments.

The opposite of flamboyant?

Dull
Plain
Restrained

Yuck!

The opposite of being trusting?

Distrustful
Suspicious

Again, YUCK. Who'd want to be running around like that?

There it is. Fine. I'm okay with being flamboyant and trusting. 100%. No issues with that.

And I tend to make friends who are just like that. My bestest friend, Karen, is TOTALLY flamboyant - she makes me look like a shrinking violet! I adore her crazy, out-there-ness. Love it. I love that she doesn't apologize for how she is. If you don't like it? You can lump it.

I was told, by another really good friend, that there comes a time in a woman's life that she just basically doesn't give a sh*t what other people think of her or how she dresses or any of those things. I am exactly who I am and seriously, if you make me monitor myself and how I do my stuff and how I dress and how I speak and my opinions on certain things? Well, I'm just not gonna play in your sand box.

Of course there are social tenets like not swearing in certain situations and having a sense of decorum near children or certain others and not breaking laws, etc. - I get that and you know what I'm talking about when I say things like not giving a rat's *ss about others...

I'm nice to people even sometimes when they don't deserve it. I choose to be nice because it makes me feel better about life. I'm not a nasty person - never have been and never will be. However, if you make the mistake of being icky to me over and over, well? Then you've just gotten yourself kicked out of MY sandbox!

Homie don't play dat. (That's a blast from the past - thank you In Living Color!)

So, all in all, I guess today's rant is about that same stuff I've been touting for months now. It's the thing about being nice to others and frankly, if you don't have something nice to say to me? Then ZIP IT.

Certainly I've done my share of speaking ill about others. I'm not immune to it. And, in particular there was that young person who scammed me out of a bunch of money and caused a lot of heartache. But I don't think that constitutes gossip. I wasn't making up stories. I was talking about what happened to me and I didn't want her to scam any of my other friends she knew. So, I do have room for people explaining their own experiences - especially when it involves a schmuck.

In closing, I will leave you with two things.

First, yaaaay for our new Mayor of Anchorage, Ethan Berkowitz. Major yaaay there! Phew. Dodged a proverbial bullet with the other candidate.

Second, a poem by one of my favorites, Robert Frost. It's called "A Passing Glimpse"

I often see flowers from a passing car
That are gone before I can tell what they are.

I want to get out of the train and go back
To see what they were beside the track.

I name all the flowers I am sure they weren't;
Not fireweed loving where woods have burnt -

Not bluebells gracing a tunnel mouth -
Not lupine living on sand and drouth.

Was something brushed across my mind
That no one on earth will ever find?

Heaven gives its glimpses only to those
Not in position to look too close.

My bestie during our "princess" Halloween phase!

Montauk daisies I grew in MA.

Celebration of Earth Day

Sunset in Martha's Vineyard a few years ago.

Evening camping in Homer, Alaska

Sunset over the Alaska Range near the mouth of the Kasilof River.
We caught 9 beautiful sockeye salmon the next morning.

Hi everyone! Happy Earth Day!

Despite the gray day we're having here in Alaska, I'm feeling good. Slept like a baby and my arm is feeling better a bit today after I did WAAAY too much with it yesterday.

I have a fractured bone in my wrist - an injury I first sustained when I was like 7 or 8 years old - and it never healed quite right, so I've re-fractured this same dang bone probably  5 or 6 times over the years. It doesn't take much. I was digging in the garden and heard the distinct "snap" when it came apart.

There's nothing anyone can do except immobilize it and try to rest it. But, for those of you who know me all too well, I'm kinda gung-ho about cooking or moving furniture or gardening.

Kinda like a bull in a China shop when it comes to my body. I'm always and forever bruised, cut or hurt! Right now my right groin is not quite right again, my index and ring fingers on my right hand are all cut up and my wrist is bad and my back is all tight from vacuuming and moving couches yesterday (don't ask).

Ugh.

I cannot sit still. I'm sure I've got some form of ADHD or some such thing. I'm definitely a whackadoo. I know that for certain.

Today started very nicely with blue sky and birdies tweeting all over the place. Right now I've got juncos, red polls, nuthatch and chickadees chirping and beeping outside the window!  The Stellar's jays come through later, magpies are always around and then my Raven friend who makes the sounds like a dripping, echo-y faucet is never too far away.

Eagles circle overhead all the time. Gyrfalcons, Marsh hawks, owls, a million duck species, ring-necked pheasant, Sandhill cranes, falcons, osprey (in MA), kestrels (in MA)...

I've also seen some HUGE starlings in the yard, Mountain chickadees, pygmy nuthatch (so cute), brown creepers, yellow flicker, warblers (of some variety), white-banded crossbills (amazing), some sort of small swallows, Plain titmouse, Winter wren, and others I'm sure I'm forgetting.

So fascinating the different critters that inhabit this part of the world. We get these interesting accidentals, too, like the Asian Waxwing that were mixed in with a BIG flock of Bohemian Waxwings we had here in January and February. I've not seen a lot of them lately.

In the course of the last year, I've seen well over 100 new animal species (in the wild, of course) including a LARGE red fox, caribou, many moose, 1 grizzly bear, 30+ black bears, many Beluga, a Pacific white-sided dolphin, a Dall's porpoise, several Stellar's sea lions, river otters, sea otters, giant Sun Stars, GIANT jelly fish, harbor seals, Dall's sheep, mountain goats, and on and on the list goes.

All the changing landscapes as I traveled from The North Atlantic to the North Pacific were so interesting. Seeing the Rocky Mountains for the first time? Crazy. Absolutely overwhelming.

A quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne.
I worked and lived across the street from the House of the Seven Gables.

Black bear Momma.

Canadian Rockies in Banff.

Kayaking with icebergs in Portage Lake.

All the different trees I've seen - Alders, scrub willow, scrub sage, huge redwoods, Sitka spruce that are GIANT, Aspen, HUGE birch. I've got a spruce tree in the back yard that is only about 50 years old and he is just gigantic. Made thousands of spruce cones for the birds and squirrels this past year. Still has cones up top!

I've also met people from every corner of the Earth. Native Alaskans that live in the Pribilof and Aleutian Island chains. People who herd reindeer, people who live from the Earth and respect the Earth and all of its wonders.

People who would never, in a million years, litter and leave their trash behind.

People whose spirit is so strong it sometimes overwhelms me.

People who have recognized my love and reverence for animals and plants and even little natures like spiders and beetles.

People that tell me I am a whisperer of animals. Which I find to be the highest compliment you could ever give me!

Since I was a kid (and my Mom and Dad will attest), I've had a probably unhealthy attachment to all of my animals and even the ones that are supposed to live outdoors. I go to Switzerland, for instance, and come back with a million pictures of the Swiss Brown Cows!

Mammals are not in my diet now, either. The very occasional piece of bacon may jump into my mouth, but 99% of my protein intake is seafood and organic dairy. I can barely even eat chicken anymore. I love chickens. I love their personalities!

I never wanted to kill any of the animals I found (except maggots and slugs - they give me the heebeejeebees!), I only wanted to understand them and talk to them.

For a long time when I was a kid I thought I was a fish - I'd be in our pool or in the lake or in the stream pretending I was a fish. My poor parents would have to basically drag me out of the water to get my skin to un-pickle! Ironic that I hated taking baths, right? I was a grubby little thing.

My Mom would have to sneak into my room to wash these disgusting blue polyester pants I had that were my favorite. Those pants probably could have walked out of my room they were so dirty and disgusting!

Now, of course, I'm a neat freak. Organization is EVERYTHING to me, from my work stations, kitchen, bathrooms, garden equipment.

The only thing I allow to get messy is my car. It's the dog car and gardening car. Why clean it all up when Beebles is just gonna snot it up, get it hairy and then I'm gonna throw dirt and 8000 plants in there? Silly to clean it.

Man, I've still got hair in there from Lady, Koty and Sadie! It's basically a time capsule with wheels.

Tangent there much? Yeesh. My brain. Gotta wonder what the hell happened to me that my brain is so bazonga.

Right now I'm texting with a good friend, Kari. She's gonna come by for lunch. I love feeding people. In the fridge I've got fresh, homemade marinara, crab/vegetable chowder, Dungeness crab legs, turkey breast, croissants, sourdough bread, cheeses, salads, vegetable lasagna (no noodles) and lots of juices like V-8, San Pellegrino Arranciata and Limonata, Orange Juice, 9-berry juice from Costco, Limeaid...

So, what better way to celebrate Earth Day than to have lunch with a friend, play with my pooch in the back yard, watch some birds (and chat with them, of course), then will go out to Balto Park and Point Woronzof and pick up trash.

Sending love out there to all of my peeps near and far. Love you all and miss you.

Ciao for now.

xoxo

A public garden in Seville, Spain. Amazing.

Gardens at an amazing Hotel called Barcelo de Bobadilla in Loja, Spain.
One of the most incredible places I've ever been.

Oleander is everywhere in Spain. Luscious.

Snorkeling near Norman Island in the British Virgin Islands.

Parrot fish smiling at me! He's actually at a cleaning station - see the fishy on his back?
He's got more in his mouth that clean his chompers. This was in Roatan Honduras.

Puffer fish. I love these guys.

Enough

Happy as a clam snorkeling off Norman Island in the British Virgin Islands.

This is a lovely post I grabbed off of Facebook. It didn't have a specific author that I could see, so I'm just re-posting this as I found it.

It was inspired by an elderly woman saying goodbye to her daughter in the airport. She wished her daughter "I wish you enough." And the daughter responded in kind.

Upon asking the woman about their tearful departure and the words they exchanged, the woman explained that she knew that was the final goodbye with her daughter...

And the part about wishing someone enough? This is what that meant:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. 
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. 
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. 
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. 
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. 
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. 
I wish enough "Hellos" to get you through the final "Good-bye.."

I so get that. Until you are there for the final moments of someone's life - be it a friend, family-member or even your beloved dog or cat, you just cannot understand the value of having "enough."

Being wealthy is fine and dandy, but being lonely? There's no amount of money that can fill that void.

Money is grand, but when you have all the money in the world, but cannot make your Mom or Dad any younger or you cannot cure the cancer that is killing your best friend? Money suddenly is dumb.

There have been a lot of losses in my realm in the last few years. Grandparents, young friends, old friends, dogs, cats that were my friends...It just sucks. I was just crying because two of my Auntie's cats passed away in the last few months. I adored both of them.

So, for today, not a lot to say except that all I want is enough for you, for me, for anyone who is going through a tough time (which seems to be rampant right now).

I just want to live a good life and be happy. I don't need fancy or complicated. I surely don't need or want drama.

I just want a good life. Good food. Health. The ability to travel on occasion. The ability and wherewithal to work, heal my hurts and make a little money.

Hope this post finds you well.

Ciao for now.

xoxo

Happy as a clam again playing in my garden last summer in Alaska!

A Blog about Blogging

This causes me great fits of laughter. It goes on for pages like this...

Did someone lose a kitten?

Then.

Now.

If you click on this and enlarge it, you will see the totem that was given to me by a new friend who is a Native Alaskan.
She felt moved to paint this without even knowing my background.
It is a blue-eyed Eagle with Orca teeth and an open mouth calling out.
The Eagle's eye has silhouettes of a Magpie, a Raven and an Eagle in its pupil
Amazing. Gives me chills. Thank you again, Karen.
You can also see the logs that were fitted
and shaped to make the walls. Each was handmade to fit.

So, I just went on Twitter because I got another request from some stranger who wants to "follow" me on there. Such an odd concept, really, this whole social media weirdo thing.

People from every part of the world read this blog (I have no idea why) and people from all over the world and every walk of life are "friends" with me on Facebook and then now want to follow me on Twitter.

It's really confusing to me. I can see if you've met someone in person and enjoyed a conversation or have a common goal or interest via other friends, that you might connect with someone you don't necessarily know.

However, this whole notion of someone who has NO connection to me whatsoever would want to read my drivel or see the environmental or social justice stuff I put on Facebook and Twitter? I find that just strange!

I'm an old fashioned gal. Verging on 50 years old, I am told again and again that my attitude and looks do not match the number. I'm thankful that I look and act young - however that gives some people the need to discredit the fact that I AM almost 50 and have that many years of experience under my belt.

The conclusions I've reached over the course of a half century have been hard-learned lessons. Since I am terrible at receiving advice or "constructive criticism" I have made many mistakes and have had my heart broken a bunch and have endured several disasters.

I've done a lot of therapy is what I'm saying!

And therapy is not easy. It's really one of the hardest things I've done. I've done marriage counseling with all three husbands now (yeesh), have done individual talk therapy on several occasions - a year of intensive therapy just a little over a year ago. I also did two years of group therapy with men and women in the group lead by a wonderful therapist.

It's very strange to be in therapy with another person or other people. I once was in a different group for a short time and quit after just two sessions because there was a woman in my group who intensely hated me for no good reason. She resented my femininity and positive attitude.

???

What the hell? How the hell does that make me a bad person?

People are so damn strange. That's why I like animals and plants so much. They do no pre-judge and make ridiculous claims.

That's also why I cannot STAND working in an office environment. It's ridiculous the rumours and stupid gossip that inevitably happens in those places.

Give me the ocean, a hiking trail, a lake or a garden. Thank you very much.

Even this whole thing of living with another person or other people. It's HARD to live with someone and constantly feeling like you have to compromise.

I'm lucky in that I get to work out of my home. I get to write here in my living room. I get to have my alone time as much as I really need it.

The idea of the forced social interaction ALL DAY LONG with other people you work with? Ugh. Makes my skin crawl.

So you gotta be social ALL DAY and then go home and have PEOPLE there that want to talk to you? UGH.

Again, it's likely an only-child thing. Only children just are different, I think.

If I don't have time and space to myself each day, I really feel like I'm going to explode. And I've talked to so many other people whose experience is utterly the opposite. They HATE being alone. I simply cannot imagine hating being alone.

Truly, the thing that makes me happiest is being out in the yard frutzing around in the garden with the birds and the insects and my little sweet doggie. If you think about it, that's hardly being alone. The plants are all living things, the birds and the bugs and my dog - they are all living things....

Maybe that's my twisted weird way of viewing the world, but even my house? I feel that it has a soul and is a living thing - especially living in a very old log cabin home.

In fact, this house I live in is a very famous home here in Anchorage. It survived a HUGE earthquake that happened in 1964 and was moved from its original location to the place I am right now.

This house has seen a lot.

Of course, my home in Massachusetts was built in 1800, so imagine the things THAT house has experienced. There was a fire upstairs in that house, it's been a brothel, a shoe store, a grocery store, a home, part of the Underground Railroad, a couple restaurants and even the most favorite bar of a whole generation of Salemites called The No Name Pub!

All the people who used to frequent the No Name wanted to see my house after my husband and I put it back together and made it a happy home again. We had lots of parties so that people could enjoy that amazing, incredible house. I never felt it "belonged" to me, but instead that I was lucky enough to be tasked with the joyous duty of loving and caring for that amazing home.

I feel very much like that in my current home. When I moved here, this was a shell that was where my husband was living. It was not being properly loved or revered.

That's MY job. I understand what this house needs and that it was feeling very unloved for the last few years.

So, yeah. I'm weird. Super sentimental and sappy and all that crap. And I don't feel the need to apologize for ANY of it. I'm weird. I own it. I don't care if you like me or don't.

That's freeing when you kind of cease giving a crap if other people "approve" of the way you go about your business. I'm not here to hurt any one or be mean or unkind. I'm just trying to take care of myself, my home, my garden and my family and friends.

I've made a lot of wonderful friends upon arriving in Alaska. Loads of wonderful women and a few really great young men.

Looking forward to my visits from family and friends this summer! Come WEST my peeps! Summer in Alaska is unbelievable. Gorgeous, lush, long warm days, short warm nights...

Despite all the mistakes and do-overs I wish I had, I've really got no regrets. Maybe regret that I didn't have a child to pass on my weirdness, but that's it, really.

Otherwise? Yaaay for the next 50 years! Bring 'em on!

Ciao for now.

xoxo

My beloved Boaty. I miss her. Altair.

My little pine that made it from my driveway in Massachusetts,
was put in my container, rode by rail to Tacoma, Washington
and then came by boat to Anchorage!
2+ months in the dark with no water. God bless this little pine!
And he survived his first Alaska winter with flying colors.