Karma and Fortitude

Angel clouds are super common here. So beautiful.

Typical sunset over Cook Inlet. It never stops being beautiful.

 So, I know I’ve been remiss in the bloggity world lately. I’ve got 850 good reasons for it, none of which – I’m happy to report – have anything to do with the LAST reason I failed to blog for long stretches. Most of you that know me remember the horrid period of time when I was not quite myself – after the grief of losing a husband, two dogs, my house, my beautiful friend, Marcel and then my wonderful Grandma all in less than a year.

It was not the year of me. Nor was last year the year of me. Good heavens with the crappy stuff.

After going through these particularly nasty experiences, it’s kind of amazing to realize ones own fortitude. Everyone endures some horrible things; however, not everyone fares so well in the wake of said horrid things.

The first go-round a few years back, I just caved into the sadness and pressure and losses. I lost myself in the dark place that we all fear might lurk somewhere in the recesses of our brains.

The second go-round this past year with Mr. Sunshine and his pathological lying and cheating and disgusting all-around misogynistic creepy behavior? Well, I did not own that. I did not get lost in the dark place again. I did not give in to being fearful of the unknown or being over here in Alaska by myself.

I certainly had my moments of tears and sadness and utter confusion as to why on EARTH someone so terrible would want to hurt a nice person like me and his children and his ex-wife and co-workers... It’s still confusing because I never did anything to this dude to warrant his nasty, selfish and hurtful behavior.

So, I got rid of the creep and never looked back. Not one time did I ever hold out belief that it might work out or that he’d see the light and error of his ways.

Nope. I got on the horn, got the information I needed and then proceeded to sue him for divorce. I’m nobody’s victim and I’m not about to start acting like it.

As many of you know, Mr. Sunshine was completely un-hire-able in Alaska. His disgusting behavior at his workplace and in his personal life (which, the two intermingled, but that’s a story for another time) FINALLY caught up to him after his workplace had been investigating him on several counts over the course of 5 years.

Interesting, don't cha think?

Somehow, the more he failed - invited to “resign” from his job - that all became MY fault. I got the blame for all the woes that befell upon this cretin. FIVE YEARS of investigations to gather more than enough evidence to boot you and that’s MY fault?

The audacity and utter entitlement this old dude had still confounds me. I don’t know how a person can be so completely shameless; taking absolutely ZERO responsibility for their own bad behavior and TERRIBLE decision-making.

Well, let me introduce you to Mr. Sunshine.

The man is a legend in his own mind. Now he’s got some meaningless little job in NoWhereVille, Oregon.

GOOD RIDDANCE.

Karma. She’s awesome, in my book.

So, that brings me to the present. I’m living in a gorgeous apartment on Lake Hood. Mountains all around. Moosies and birds in my yard all the time. Walking distance to anything you’d want. I’ve got a few awesome jobs – the most recent of which is what inspired this post.

Well, again, as many of you know, I’ve gotten myself involved in the arts scene here in Anchorage since it’s near and dear to me and my family. My parents are both artists of various sorts and I was brought up in an environment filled with fine art, music, dancing, theatre and more.

Lucky, is what I was to have such interesting people around me all the time.

I feel confident now that I can announce this new venture without jinxing it – I was asked by the Executive Producer/Director of this show to be the Associate Producer last week. I’ve been working on this as a publicity/props/helper person for a few weeks and now the director promoted me last week to associate producer.

I’m kind of bursting, nervous and excited for the whole thing. The actors are superb, the venue is great and the show is hilarious! We giggle through every rehearsal! I’ve seen and/or heard the show over a dozen times already and it does not get old…

Look us up online. We’re the Anchorage Dinner Theatre produced by Last Gasp Productions. The first show is called Lounge Lizards, and, in the wise words of Wayne and Garth, “… Party time! Excellent! Dodododllleodoodldooodlellooodldoo! …”

Tonight is the soft opening of the show with lots of friends and family and industry people. It’s been such a learning experience to work with such a talented group of humans and I’m excited for this first run. We’re running this show every Friday, Saturday and Sunday through February 21 … So be sure to look us up if you’re in the Anchorage area. Fine dining and a VERY whacky show for a VERY reasonable price!

As I asked my Momma to do this morning, “Tell me to break a leg” if you see me today!

What the hell have I gotten myself into?!!

Last but certainly not least, we can always use help with funding to pay our fine actors and crew, so if you’ve got a nice tax refund on the way or maybe some extra moolah weighing down your wallet, we have a Go Fund Me page HERE!

Ciao for now & thanks for reading!

xooxo

Happy 2016 and Other Stuff

Happy 2016 everyone! Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I’ve been overwhelmingly busy with writing, copy editing, flower/plant jobs and now I’m onto a new venture that I’ll talk about more when I’ve got the details mapped out.

Suffice it to say that it’s exciting, involves writing and theatre!

Onward and upward!

So, yesterday was a weird day.

I set my alarm for 8:00 a.m. as I was supposed to be at the office to do my copy editing at 9:00 a.m. Well, in my extreme-tired-fogginess, I forgot to turn the damn alarm ON.

Ugh.

I hate the feeling of awaking, seeing the clock and going into an immediate panic knowing that you’re already late and there’s NOTHING you can do except show up late and look like a noodlehead.

Oversleeping is something I rarely do. This morning? I could sleep in all I wanted, but then, of course, my brain starts going zoom zoom zoom–the minute I even start fluttering my eyeballs open.

Which brings me to the fact that I’ve been working now for over three hours and it’s only 10:00 a.m. Alaska Standard Time. (We have our own time zone, for heaven’s sake!)

So if it’s 10:00 a.m. MY time, that makes it 2:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Now, I’ve lived in Alaska for about one year and seven months. That’s not a drop in the bucket, but it’s truly not that long at all considering the entire rest of my life was spent in Michigan or Massachusetts. There were some major travels to Europe and Africa and whatnot during those other 48.4 years, but for the most part I’ve been glued to Eastern Standard Time.

There is a constant adjustment for me to get used to the facts that: 

#1 – The ocean is on the wrong side; 

#2 – Alaska is REALLY far from everything; 

#3 – There’s a four hour time difference from what my body is used to, and; 

#4 ­– I’m no longer living near the 45^th parallel.

That last one might sound strange if you’ve never considered where you live in the Northern Hemisphere. I’ve generally hovered about midway between the equator and the North Pole. Ish.

Now I’m living on the 61^st parallel. It’s weird. It’s totally different. We had the full moon over Christmas and it was very odd. It doesn’t rise and set like the moon does when you’re 16 degrees lower in latitude. It’s kinda like it just spins in a fairly small circle above your head.

Same with sunrise and sunset at this time of year. It rises almost more South than East. And then it sets in the West. It’s a low, odd arc–blinding at about 3pm if you’re driving on a South/East facing road.

There’s a big shift in mood here, too, once the days start getting longer. People are cheerier, more outgoing, friendlier. There’s a lot of anger and strife before the equinox in the winter. There were a few people I consider to be extra good friends who were giving me some major grief (and it’s entirely possible I was doing something to deserve it) before the New Year.

I’m back to being good friends with two of the people, but that third one? I have no idea what the hell happened there. There's something she decided she didn’t like about me all of a sudden. And she’s keeping up the code of silence. Odd thing is she asked some people how I was doing …

I find that strange. If you really cared, you’d call me yourself. Don’t go asking around about me as if you truly care. If you really cared you wouldn’t have shut me off and told me that I was unwelcome in your life all of a sudden.

The thing that really gets me is that this person was really wonderful to me and then just flipped some imaginary switch and utterly and completely stopped talking, texting, calling or otherwise being my friend. She used to show up at my house all the time. She’d invite me over to her house. She’d meet me for a glass of wine or lunch.

How do you go from being around someone 3-5 times per week to NEVER and then suddenly not return any phone calls or texts?

I obviously am still struggling to understand her motivations or actions.

I will say this though: if she thinks–for one minute–that she’s going to be my friend again at some point? Nope. I don’t like flip-switchy people. If you’re going to completely cut me out of your existence? That’s really not nice and not how friends treat each other. At least that’s not how I treat MY friends.

And if there’s something wrong or something bothering you?

USE YOUR WORDS, pumpkin.

The silent treatment is a form of passive-aggressive behavior and I have no room for it in my life.

My ex-husband was a flip-switchy passive aggressive creep.  I don’t need “friends” who are going to engage in that same kind of co-dependent infantile behavior.

I was feeling terribly sad about this for the last few weeks. Now I’m just confused.

I will report that there was one person with whom I was “fighting”–which is not what we were doing, really–but we are no longer harboring those negative feelings. Anywho, this one person and I had a misunderstanding and then it got blown all out of proportion by getting a couple other people involved in the stupid drama.  

Drama amplifies exponentially the more humans that get involved. It’s a fact!

So, I took it upon myself to talk with him–in person, alone–on several occasions. We worked it out and I feel like we’re even better friends than we were before. We were able to USE OUR WORDS to express our feelings. He was feeling hurt and I was, too. And feeling hurt is a totally different animal than feeling angry.

Which is what brings me to the thing here. Over the course of my life I’ve realized that there were too many times I bit my tongue. Too many times I let things slide or ignored a mean comment or taken more than my fair share of shit from certain people.

I’m not playing that game any more. It’s too hurtful and it just does nothing but fester and then cause resentments and then, inevitably, the end of a friendship, marriage or job.

As I’ve said numerous times, being kind does not include being a doormat. If you are going to treat me with kindness and respect, you can–100% of the time–expect the same from me.

If you’re going to be nice to me, say 90% of the time? Well, what the hell? Why would I put up with 10% of your shit and turn around and be nice to you?

When I was in therapy, my therapist asked that question of me a lot. She would point out that if someone is nice to you 364 days of the year, but then there’s that one day that they’re crappy to you (on purpose, not someone having a crappy day–there’s a big difference)? Well, you run around in circles for this person because you’re constantly fearing that one day that they’ll be crappy to you. You never know when that one day will come.

Walking on eggshells is how I describe it.

My second and third marriages were like that. Constant fear of being told I wasn’t good enough or productive enough or skinny enough or hard-working enough.

Why the HELL would you want to be around a person who has made it their job to tell you how inadequate you are? Why on EARTH would I want someone to make me feel bad about myself?

You wanna know the answer? Because the answer is tough.

The answer is:

You teach people how to treat you.

If you don’t feel you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect? You’ll definitely find someone who will treat you in the shitty way you think you deserve.

I have no idea why Mr. Sunshine wanted to marry me other than he like the green color of my money and he liked to have sex. (Sorry Mom and Dad.)

The man spent much of his time telling me how much he doubted everything I told him. He doubted that I had done real estate development with husband #2. He doubted that I knew how to operate and navigate a boat. He doubted that I had actually met and worked with some well-known politicians (even though I have the letters and pictures to prove it). He doubted that I knew what I was doing as far as gardening or making a go of my gardening business.

He doubted that I was as smart and awesome and talented as I proved that I was.

It drove him crazy that I make friends quickly. That I am flirtatious. That I’m funny. That I’m a nice person. That I make mistakes and apologize for them.

My successes somehow equaled his failure.

That’s some crazy shit.

Can you imagine purporting to love someone and then sit around hoping they’ll fail?

I cannot fathom that.

So, this is the stuff that rattles around my psyche when I’ve had too much sleep and got up waaaay too early!

I’ll write more when I have time. Just not a lot of time right now.

Hope this finds all of you healthy and happy!

And welcome home to my beloved cousins–back from a deployment in Afghanistan!

Here’s to a kick-ass 2016.

Ciao for now. Thanks for reading.

xoxo

The Art of Kissing but NOT Telling

It's been an interesting time of it being newly single (AGAIN) and in the land of manly men who do manly things. Even the wimpy men here have a certain sex appeal since they are all out and about doing interesting things like fishing, camping, hiking and such.

The statistic is that there are eight men to every one woman. Basically it's like being a kid in a candy store if, well, you're interested in men!

I happen to be one of those ladies that likes the men folk. I like 'em in all colors, shapes and sizes. If you're nice to me and respect my boundaries and limits and my WORK (i.e. don't call me at midnight or 4:00 a.m. because you're feeling randy or lonely), then I will entertain the idea of kissing your face.

However, I've come across some pretty amazingly unkind behavior and just basically some REALLY bad manners.

What is this obSESSION you all have with discussing politics in public places? Can't I just have a beer and watch Monday Night Football without being bombarded by the woes of the world and the virtues of FUCKING DONALD TRUMP? What the hell? Please please shut your cake hole and please can we just discuss the football game and bad play calls? Or something? Please?

So, mens of Alaska, attention! Here are some tips for those of you interested in wooing a woman who has a brain in her head and will NOT entertain your rants and raves, bashing liberals or gays or Muslims or whomever seems to be your ignorant generalization du jour to hate. No one is all one thing. I'm not always nice. I sometimes struggle with listening and slowing down. We hall have our limitations and flaws.

Whoever told people that they need to be perfect at all moments has set all of us up for being utter failures. That doesn't mean you get a green light to be an asshole whenever you feel like it, but the idea that we can all just try our BEST to be kind while also maintaining our integrity? That seems like a thing we could all rally around, right?

So, these are my suggestions to make the sitch here in Alaska a little more civil and less "I'm gonna shoot you if you don't believe everything I'm about to spill out of my unshaven gullet." Here they are:

1 - Stop referring to your trip to the lower 48 as going to the United States. Alaska IS the United States. Stop trying to be separate. It's creates an unfriendly and stand-offish kind of vibe and no one likes to feel like an "outsider."

2 - Stop telling me I'm a "fucking liberal" who voted for Obama and therefore that's why your shoelaces broke and your dog died and your Mom has the Diabeeetus. We are NOT enemies. We are fellow countrymen. Our ancestors likely came over on the same boat from Germany, Poland or Ireland or wherever. WE are the People of the United States of America. WE are. No one has any say in this except the Native People who were slaughtered and sent to "reservations" where there was nothing but sadness and pain. Look it up.

3 - Stop bashing Native People. Stop it. You make me sick.

4 - Stop referring to other cultures by derogatory terms. Again, if it weren't for other cultures, this would be one BORING world.

5 - Travel. Get outside of your comfort zone. You should not be proud of the fact that you've never been outside of Alaska or the REST of the United States. Go look at a tree in Africa. Go see the Bridge of Sighs in Venice (not California, dude). Look at the art work in the great museums of the world. Listen to an opera (not the woman on TV, dude). Try spicy food (meat and potatoes do NOT make the world go around). There's a great big world out there that is NOT Alaska. Get out there.

6 - Stop telling me what is best for me. You have NO fucking idea what it's like to be me (really, you don't want to get inside this head of mine. It's a scary place!). I have panic attacks at odd situations like in the mall at Christmastime. Like when I get near the edges of cliffs or have to go over a long bridge in the mountains with thousands of feet of rock up and down around me. That scares the life right out of me.

7 - Try to learn what empathy REALLY is.

8 - Don't be threatened by my presence around your fucking husband or boyfriend. I don't want your shitty husband or boyfriend. I've got my hands full with the flock of boys who have been around me since I separated from my ex-husband.

9 - Please can we not talk about my stupid ex-husband? I divorced his ass for a good reason. He's a certified schmuck - let's leave it at that, mmmkay?

10 - Yes, the divorce is FINAL. Over. KAPUT. Done. Nada else. K? K.

11 - No, I will not show you my boobs.

12 - No, I really won't.

13 -Not here, not now, and not ever because you KEEP ASKING and it's tacky and demeaning.

14 - Don't tell me how smart you think I am. I know I'm smart. I have worked my whole life to learn things and to keep expanding my learning and curiosity. You might do well to do the same.

15 - When I tell you NO, it means just that. Stop asking.

16 - Don't make assumptions about my political views and affiliations because of where I'm from or because I voted a certain way. If you must know, I'm politically unaffiliated, but it is my privacy here. I am under no obligation to tell you what I think or HOW I voted, nor are you. And frankly, if you're asking, likely we voted on the opposite end of things.

17 - Religion. Don't ask. None of your business. It's a personal decision by each and every human (except those poor souls who've got no choice at all because of where they were born).

18 - Women are NOT inferior. We are DIFFERENT. Not second class citizens (again unless you were born in a certain area of the world).

19 - I love our military. My family has served every branch except the Marines.

20 - Just be nice. Try it. It's easier than being contrary and angry and nasty to your neighbor or acquaintance or colleague.
'

Post-Traumatic Growth

A friend of mine shared a link to an article in the Wall Street Journal about the concept of Post-Traumatic Growth. This is the link here.

And believe me, I'm not comparing my shit-show stupid drama to a person who's been in war or paralyzed after an accident. Not one bit.

What I am saying is that when your life has gotten to a point where you feel pretty much cornered and like there's no way out and then you start having thoughts about not wanting to even be alive any more (which is slightly different than being suicidal, but the result is the same)...

That really shakes you up.

When life has gotten so out of control you just simply want OUT instead of having to wade through the endless muck to even FIND the dark tunnel so that you may start seeing the tiniest pinprick of light at the other end of said tunnel.

Well, that's where I was a few short years ago after all the losses I endured.

I was so sad I was unable to be grateful for even the smallest things like having a bank full of money and friends and family that love me. I wasn't UNgrateful for those things, I was just too busy feeling sad and alone and miserable.

Grief is a funny thing. My best friend finds herself single after being with a man she loves and adores. They've been together for four years or more.

People are giving her advice on what to do to get through the tough time when you are packing and moving back to your old place or your new place.

The thing is? Nobody knows what's best for her or for anyone else!

People offered me advice ALLL the time.

ALL THE TIME:

"If IIIIiiiiiii were you, I'd go on a fabulous trip!"

I didn't want to go on a fabulous trip by myself or with anyone else. I wanted to cry. And sleep. And I wanted the world to go away and leave me alone.

"You know? In a way? I'm jealous of you! You're completely unencumbered!"

You're jealous of ME? F*CK YOU! You're married to a wonderful man, you have a gorgeous house, a dog, endless amounts of money and you're telling me about being unencumbered?

Yeah. Riiiiight.

Then there were the people who'd see me on the street or at the beach and they knew I'd just gotten divorced and that my dogs had died and had to sell my beloved house and they'd give me the sideways look and the "Heeeey. How you doin'?" fake concern thing.

Oh, that was killer. To be pitied. Yuck.

So this is the thing. The unsolicited advice? Keep it to yourself.

The sideways concern look thing? Don't do that.

Ask them what they need. 

Ask them what you can do to try to help make it better.

Listen to them when they're crying. 

Don't tell them everything's okay. IT's NOT OKAY sometimes. 

Sometimes LIFE SUCKS. Sometimes? It's just overwhelming and we need a DAMN hug. Or food. Or just someone to say they love you and are sad that you're hurting.

EMPATHY. 

Even now. I'm going through this pretty shitty time. I have no money. I'm trying everything I know how to do to get financially solvent again. I moved here thinking I was going to live with this wonderful man and have an interesting adventurous life.

Well... It's interesting. And if you want to say that having four jobs is adventurous, well, then I've got that, too.

The marriage part? Wonderful man part? Notsomuch.

I'm not having fun. And now I'm left looking for a new housemate because the one I have had for the last three weeks has offered nothing except the $650 she was paying in rent. She's been passive-aggressive to me and surly to my friends and family that have visited me recently. Even tried to tell me who I can have as visitors (race may be part of her equation. Not sure.).

And now she's just downright angry ALL.THE.TIME. She arrived home early from work yesterday afternoon while I was getting some billing done here in my room on my computer.

Well, she came in the front door and all I could hear were her exasperated SIGHS. REALLY loud sighs. Over and over and over she carried on. Jeez.

After my friends had flown in all the way from Boston, they arrived here at the house two Saturday evenings ago. I had forewarned the housemate about their arrival and that they were spending one night here (in my room) and that I'd be sleeping on the couch.

Pretty straightforward, right?

Well, they'd been here all of 20 minutes and she came barreling out of her room and made sure to tell the husband "Can you keep it down? I'm TRYING to SLEEP."

The rude factor was astronomical. It's a Saturday night. Not even 10pm.

Ever hear of earplugs?

Anywho. I'm tired of rudeness. Whether it's understanding that everyone ticks to their own clock, or understanding that everyone grieves differently, or that everyone has their own way of thinking about or doing things, or has different social needs...

We are not supposed to put our own expectations on another person 

EXCEPT to EXPECT 

COMMON COURTESY.

What ever happened to it?

Where'd it go?

When did we  decide to become whiners and entitled jerks?

You know, I didn't really experience this crap until I moved here. I grew up in Michigan and then moved to Massachusetts right out of college. People didn't behave like this save a few turds along the way, but for the most part? Pretty decent people I've come across over my 49 years over there in the Midwest and East.

Now, I'm generalizing here again - I don't put everyone in the same bucket... The people I've met who are the most entitled have been overwhelmingly from the West. I don't know if it's the wide open spaces and having fewer humans to contend with? 

I know they call us Massholes, but that's only when we're driving! When you get out of the car, politesse and manners are the thing.

I don't know. I'm trying to sort this all out and get through this shit-show so I can just have a happy, good life. I'm not looking for bells and whistles and being rich and famous. I just want a happy life.

So, I started with the Post-Traumatic Growth story and that's what I'd like to end with, as well. 

In all of the CRAP that has happened in the last three years? I'm thankful for all of it. It's made me happy to know that I can survive A LOT. I can get through it. I'm tougher than I ever imagined.

The person I'm divorcing has loads and loads of money. And the house and a truck and the dog and my beautiful yard. But he's miserable. He has one friend. And the only family that will talk to him are his father and his sister.

I've got pretty much next to nothing (monetarily), but I can EARN money. I've been blessed with a wonderful family, wonderful friends - an enviable support system. I have the gift of optimism, great faith, a excellent brain, strong body and healthy outlets for my anxieties. And my main tenet of life is to try to always be kind to others. Sometimes it's not easy, but it's the better way to be.

So, in the end who's happier? Who's got the richer life? 

Someone with a bunch of money in the bank or someone whose life has true meaning?

I'll take the latter any old time.

Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Newsflash! More Bad News!

Sounds familiar. 

Loose women! hee!

Just a little aside here, kids.

When someone is going through a tough time, I believe it's proper etiquette to not tell them MORE bad news about something or someone else.

Or send them articles about deeply depressing things about certain possible health issues or cancer scares.

Honestly?

Like I need one more damn thing on my plate right now?

Send me kittens or videos of dogs singing, thank you.

I need positive distractions, not doom or gloom. Yeesh.

My friend in MA sent a very nice article today about being fully yourself. How to let go of the distractions and attempt to focus on the here and now.

Well, that, too is all fine and dandy when you've got money in the bank and can focus on that.

Right now? I'm wondering how on EARTH I'm gonna pay some bills that are due in the next two weeks. I haven't got anything in the bank and people keep saying they're gonna hire me to work in their garden or at their house and then? They disappear on me. There is absolutely a lack of follow-through in Anchorage.

It's the oddest thing.

I show up when I say I'm going to. I do what I tell people I am gonna do. I call when I say I'm going to and if I can't do something, I let people know well in advance.

On the other hand, I cannot tell you how many times I've shown up for a client meeting and then POOF? They are a no-show and they don't even call to say they're sorry when I text or call to remind them of our meeting.

I've driven almost an hour round-trip to a client's house to confer with her on her garden? She wasn't home. And there were no apologies when I saw her. She just said, "Oh, I flaked out."

Yep. You did.

And you wasted an hour out of my day. Actually more, because I had planned to spend at least an hour planning your garden with you. SO, it was 2 hours of wasted time. That translates to $80.

My time is valuable. I have sh*t to do. Things going on. Even if it looks like I'm just browsing at a garden center, I'm not. I'm taking mental notes. Comparing prices to the other three garden centers I've just visited.

When I go to the Botanical Garden, I'm not doing it for fun. It's a fact-finding mission so I can see the native plants that thrive here in Alaska. I've only lived here for a year and I'm learning all the time. I ask questions, I wanna know so my business will also thrive!

When I'm at the restaurant up the street, I'm networking. The bartenders know me and actually give my card to patrons who they know might use my business. I strike up conversations wherever I go - yes, I'm friendly - but it's also an attempt at shameless self-promotion! And it works about 90% of the time. If I can give my card out at least once or twice a day? That's forward motion.

So, re-establishing yourself in a completely different part of the world is a challenge. It's a matter of learning your environment and also the behavior of the humans therein.

It's a totally different place here in Alaska, from a purely psychological standpoint. People REALLY are different. Like REALLY REALLY different. I'd have poo-pooed it if someone had told me that people's behavior would be so different here, but here I am, and I'm tellin' ya? It's just straight up WEIRD.

I've lived all over the world and in many parts of the country I've experienced the "locals." From California to Florida to Maine to Michigan and lots of places in between.

Midwestern people: Nice. Helpful. Kind. Do unto others as you would have done to you. Salt of the earth. Slow-paced type of life. Family-oriented.

Southern people: SUPER nice. Very kind. Genteel. Very respectful toward women. A little scary with the guns. Traditional. Slow-paced. Family-oriented.

California/Oregon/Washington people: Laid back. Outdoorsy. Judgemental. Frugal. Generally take themselves too seriously (in my humble opinion). Creative.

Northeast people: Appear cold at first, but once you're vetted? They will kill for you. True. Kind. Generous. Giving. Highly philanthropic. Creative. Smart and QUICK. Family and friend-oriented.

West but not West coast Westn people: Highly independent. Self-sufficient. Free-thinking and a bit on the wild side. Family oriented. Helpful and make-do-with-whatcha-got type of attitude.

European people: Self-assured. Smart. Very well-mannered. Highly independent thinking. Creative. Family-oriented. Wordly.

Alaskan people: The women are very much like the Midwestern people but most of the men (the transplant men) come at you with the scary attitude of me me me me me. Not all Alaskans are like that - mind you, I'm being REALLY generalized here on the things I've noticed since moving here. There is just a different attitude about living side by side with others.

Now, the NATIVE Alaskans I've found to be the most wonderful humans I have met to date. Very kind. Very spiritual. VERY intuitive. VERY generous with their time and care. SO in tune with nature and the animals and the seasons. It's what I've been striving to learn and do with my gardening and my study of animals, ecology and conservation.

The people with whom I've made the best friendships here are the Native Alaskans, and the transplanted people from Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin and a smattering of East Coast transplants.

It's like we all immediately recognize another fellow Midwesterner or East Coaster - that's what they call us here or more likely, "One of you damn liberals" - I've had that thrown at me a jillion times.

Nothing makes a person feel more welcome than being immediately pegged in a certain political light.

And, furthermore, what the hell is wrong with liberal-ness?

And, further furthermore, what the hell is your problem?

Don't judge me before you know anything at ALL about me.  Yikes.

Settle down there, Judgy Judgerton. 

It's an odd place to live, for sure. The women of Alaska rock. Pretty much all of them I've met are really amazing women.

But all of the Alaskan women issued me one warning upon my arrival:

"The odds are good. Yes. But? The goods? Are odd."

Ain't THAT the truth.

But then, again, most men and women I know who cohabit or are married or whatever, are in a constant struggle to just "be" together. We come at life SO very differently.

I choose to be positive and to try to be the best I can be for just today. Tomorrow will come and I'll just try to do the same all over again, but I CANNOT change yesterday or make tomorrow different than what it will be. All we've got is right now.

And right now, I'm eating delicious pasta with butter, salt, pepper and parmesean. Then, I'll go work it off as I garden all day today.

Not too bad. I'll take it.

Ciao for now. Thanks for reading.

My bestie, Karen and I were butterflies for Halloween. Natch.
My talented Momma made all of our costumes. 

A Poem and my BIRTHDAY!

Coneflower or echinacea. I love these.

Cute Mr. bumblebee that was cold from the fall night temperatures.
You can pet them, you know? I pet him and he waved his little feets at me.

Nasturtium. I love this buttery yellow variety

Love the antique color of this hydrangea in my old driveway.

This is a garden I re-designed and cared for for 8 years in MA.
It was a glorious shade garden. SO lush and happy.

So, it's officially May 6th. That means it's only 24 days until my beloved birthday. I turn 50 this year and I personally do not understand people who do not love their birthday and who are afraid to say how old they really are.

I'm proud of my 50 years. I've had friends who didn't make it to their 50th, so I am thankful for that large number with the zero on the end of it.

Who cares?

There's that cliche about age just being a number and that your TRUE age is how you feel and act. I think it's true. I have known people who are in their 20s and they are FAR more responsible than I'll ever be. They are "adult" in their actions and their sort of staid manners.

I'm not "adult" if you wanna use those terms. Staid? Moi? Nope!

I find "adult" humans to be rather boring and most times they take themselves far too seriously.

On the other hand, they are the people who have those steady jobs and incomes and a big, fat retirement waiting for them the moment they decide to do that thing.

On the other other hand, I've had a fun and interesting life. I don't have a big, juicy paycheck. I don't have a big fat retirement waiting for me. I will tell you this, though, I've got no regrets. I've never stayed in a miserable job, working in a cubicle, making myself miserable with my 2.5 children and a job that pays just the right amount for my mortgage, food, bills and putting my 2.5 kids into the "right" school and blah blah blah.

Oh, I find the whole idea of living like that completely suffocating.

Never have I wanted to work inside a building. Ever. Ew.

The moment I had a "break" or lunch or whatever when I was working my few short stints as a working stiff, I'd get outside as quickly as possible. If I couldn't be outside, I'd be near a window at least gazing out at the birds or trees or whatever.

I HATE hate hate being in rooms where there are no windows. Ugh. I don't know how people do it. I really really don't.

My days start here in Alaska with the window behind my head cracked open for fresh air and also so I can hear the little cheepy birds start singing at about 4am. They are rose-breasted nuthatch and a couple different kinds of chickadees with their chick-a-dee dee dee dee dee songs and calls.

Upon arising, first thing I do is look out to see the birds and the greenery of the trees. Alaska is amazing in that when spring arrives, it does so fiercely and SOOOO quickly. We already have nearly 17 hours of sunlight. Incredible.

The birch trees have already leafed out with their bright green new leaves. Stunningly bright and beautiful. My Chinese poppies out front are over a foot tall and I just saw that my bleeding heart is about ready to bloom! WOW!! And it's only May 6th! Yeesh!

Generally my puppy dog and I head out into the back yard quickly so she can do her business and I can watch the birds flitting around the yard. SO many of them. Several pairs of chickadees, nuthatch, robins, starlings, warblers, Stellar's jays and more.

It's really quite loud, but so glorious to hear them and to see the amazing growth of the plants and grass back there even in a 24 hour span.

So, the big and little natures have sort of ruled my life. Animals and plants are my gig. People are okay sometimes, but I like most people in sort of smaller doses and I loathe small talk, so it's kind of a weird measured way I lead my existence.

My husband (the current one!) finds me to be extremely flamboyant and overly trusting. I will take both of those adjectives as major compliments.

The opposite of flamboyant?

Dull
Plain
Restrained

Yuck!

The opposite of being trusting?

Distrustful
Suspicious

Again, YUCK. Who'd want to be running around like that?

There it is. Fine. I'm okay with being flamboyant and trusting. 100%. No issues with that.

And I tend to make friends who are just like that. My bestest friend, Karen, is TOTALLY flamboyant - she makes me look like a shrinking violet! I adore her crazy, out-there-ness. Love it. I love that she doesn't apologize for how she is. If you don't like it? You can lump it.

I was told, by another really good friend, that there comes a time in a woman's life that she just basically doesn't give a sh*t what other people think of her or how she dresses or any of those things. I am exactly who I am and seriously, if you make me monitor myself and how I do my stuff and how I dress and how I speak and my opinions on certain things? Well, I'm just not gonna play in your sand box.

Of course there are social tenets like not swearing in certain situations and having a sense of decorum near children or certain others and not breaking laws, etc. - I get that and you know what I'm talking about when I say things like not giving a rat's *ss about others...

I'm nice to people even sometimes when they don't deserve it. I choose to be nice because it makes me feel better about life. I'm not a nasty person - never have been and never will be. However, if you make the mistake of being icky to me over and over, well? Then you've just gotten yourself kicked out of MY sandbox!

Homie don't play dat. (That's a blast from the past - thank you In Living Color!)

So, all in all, I guess today's rant is about that same stuff I've been touting for months now. It's the thing about being nice to others and frankly, if you don't have something nice to say to me? Then ZIP IT.

Certainly I've done my share of speaking ill about others. I'm not immune to it. And, in particular there was that young person who scammed me out of a bunch of money and caused a lot of heartache. But I don't think that constitutes gossip. I wasn't making up stories. I was talking about what happened to me and I didn't want her to scam any of my other friends she knew. So, I do have room for people explaining their own experiences - especially when it involves a schmuck.

In closing, I will leave you with two things.

First, yaaaay for our new Mayor of Anchorage, Ethan Berkowitz. Major yaaay there! Phew. Dodged a proverbial bullet with the other candidate.

Second, a poem by one of my favorites, Robert Frost. It's called "A Passing Glimpse"

I often see flowers from a passing car
That are gone before I can tell what they are.

I want to get out of the train and go back
To see what they were beside the track.

I name all the flowers I am sure they weren't;
Not fireweed loving where woods have burnt -

Not bluebells gracing a tunnel mouth -
Not lupine living on sand and drouth.

Was something brushed across my mind
That no one on earth will ever find?

Heaven gives its glimpses only to those
Not in position to look too close.

My bestie during our "princess" Halloween phase!

Montauk daisies I grew in MA.

Bad News and Other People's Problems

A spectacular Bleeding Heart in my old back yard.

Lilacs. yumm.

I won an award for the flower boxes I did this year. 1st place!

Pretty rose in Loja Spain.

It is so very interesting how people react to bad news.

My husband lost his job for various reasons on Friday. That's happening a lot around here as the oil companies take their money and run.

Luckily the Native Corporations are booming and hiring loads of people, so thank GOD for that.

In any case, this brings me sort of full circle back to when I was going through my hardest, darkest times. If you didn't know about my saga a few years back, it ranged from dying dogs, divorce, two deaths (my Grandma and one of my dearest friends), a deranged dog that I tried to help but could not - he bit three people, lost my job and my house (I sold it - made a profit, so that was a blessing) and basically lost every last shred of confidence I'd ever managed to muster.

I didn't even know how to cook or garden or make decisions or take care of myself in any meaningful way. For a while I took prescription pills for my high blood pressure, a different one for my CRAZY anxiety attacks, a pill to help me sleep and I drank a lot to just numb the pain of everything.

Notsomuch did I want to kill myself because that would require planning and it was too much like work to even think about how sad my Mom and Dad and my other relatives and friends would be.

So it wasn't really thoughts of suicide, it was just wanting out. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to not be nauseous all the time. I hardly ate anything for about a year. It was too much work to try to make any food and nothing sounded good. Ever.

I ended up losing 25 pounds and ironically, that was one of the things that helped get me un-depressed and partially helped me be not sad ALL the time.

Losing the weight also helped me regain my health - I stopped taking the blood pressure medication and my anxiety levels started to even out.

I realized that numbing myself was not going to cure anything. So I got into therapy, stopped drinking for a year and stopped taking the sleeping meds, too.

Now, with the loss of my husband's job, money is now a huge issue. We're talking about our options and what the future might look and feel like, so it's actually kind of a good thing. It's allowed us to kind of join forces to try to come up with suitable solutions to our present situation.

It's so interesting though, when people ask how you're doing and for the most part, I just say I'm fine and move on to other topics. But sometimes, it's necessary to tell people the honest truth about how you REALLY are. Sometimes I'm NOT fine. I'll certainly BE fine but sometimes shit happens and it's just shitty.

Sometimes it's okay to tell people that things are not good at the present moment. Sometimes a good cry is exactly what is needed.

It's OKAY to have emotions and feelings.

They WILL NOT kill you! Not at all.

Some people just kind of laugh and give a cliche to you to make you feel better. My favorite was the "God closes one door in order to open another."

Nope. Sometimes it's just shit everywhere you look. And then sometimes? It gets even worse.

So, when someone tells you bad news, and I know I've said this before, sometimes they just want to be heard and get some damn sympathy for their crappy day or crappy year.

Utter strangers have given me hugs recently when I told them what had happened. And then other people that I thought were good friends? They just run for the hills! Yikes!

It's shocking the way people react. Like if you possibly get too close the bad luck or sad emotions will rub off on them.

As if we are all supposed to be super stoic and everything is supposed to be perfect at all times.

No. No it's not.

There are wars going on, leaving children orphaned, there was a HUGE earthquake in Nepal killing thousands of souls, our government has gone totally mental, riots and protests in Baltimore, domestic violence everywhere, racism rampant STILL and loads of hard-working people - like my husband -OUT OF A JOB in a terrible economic environment.

And frankly? There's just a lot of bad behaviour out there. The "Me Monster" as my favorite comedian, Brian Regan, calls them.

There are LOADS of Me Monsters around these days and they do not give a flying crap about anyone or anything except lining their pockets and "getting ahead."

It's like these asshats in traffic who will NOT let you into a lane and speed up to get to a red light.

WTF?

It's baffling to me.

And the woman at the bar a few months back - I bought a round for some of my friends and she was sitting with them. She actually had the audacity to accept the drink and then act like I was trying to "get" something from her. She said "I don't KNOW you. What are you doing buying ME a drink?"

?

Nice. Very classy. And you're welcome, jerkface.

The people I knew who were with her were trying to get her to calm down, but she was in some sort of alcohol-induced anger circuit. It was really embarrassing for her and her friends who know me.

People.

Whatever, right? That's her problem - entirely hers. Not at all mine.

So, again. My plea? Just go be nice. That's all. You really don't have to go out of your way to do anything in particular, but just be nice to other people.

If they need to talk? Listen. Put aside your agenda for like 10 minutes and just listen.

If they need to cry? Comfort them. Give them a warm hug or hold their hand or whatever. Just listen and then when they stop crying or talking? Just tell them you're there for them.

Sometimes we all need a bit of reassurance that things sometimes are shitty but they do not REMAIN shitty forever.

Ups and downs are all a natural part of life.

My ex-husband's Grandmother, Bea, was one of the kindest, nicest humans I've had the pleasure to meet. She was gentle and artistic and just sweet as can be.

After her beloved Dave passed away, she would often call either my husband or me and describe that she was feeling "blue." She didn't really cry but you could see the sadness in her eyes when we'd go for visits sometimes.

We'd talk about Dave and her art and the news and what birds had recently visited the feeder we put outside her window. We'd talk about her sister and other relatives and her friends in the assisted living home she lived in. On occasion, I'd stay and have dinner with her and her 100 year old table mate (who was SOOOO interesting!) and Eleanor who was never married and was in her late 80s and was a big wig in the Army.

These women had done everything in their lives the way they wanted. Eleanor regretted not having children because she was often very lonely. The other woman, Mary, she was a world traveler and had a big family but no one close by to visit.

And then there was lovely Bea who had family and friends and was sharp sharp sharp up to the last minute, but her body was failing her. Even her esophageal muscles were failing. Can you imagine?

I digress. My point was that despite losing her husband and basically being taken away from her home and everything familiar, Bea remained so very positive. She just forged ahead each day anew.

Often I'd let Bea know she was a huge inspiration to me. All that she had accomplished and her immense talent could have made her a bit egotistical.

Quite the contrary. She was a very gentle, quiet, kind force with which to be reckoned.

I hope to be just like that and I wish that upon all of you out there.

Clovers for luck!

Ack and other sundries

So, my post yesterday had some dumb type-os. I hate that. It's embarrassing when put something out there and then come back to it the next day and find stupid missing or misspelled words.

Yeesh.

Anyway, my friend over there at Bye Bye, Pie raises a good point.

What's up with all the "meaningful-ness" every minute of the day here now?

I'm soooo tired of people trying to be meaningful.

Sometimes a good cry is just that. Gets it out of my system.

Sometimes when I write about something painful, it's just that. Writing about it to get it out of my head for a minute. I don't need flowers or a hug or your meaningful phone call.

Just let me be sometimes.

Case in point: I sent a picture of some beautiful birds to a person yesterday. She's part of the Audubon Society here in AK. Now, mind you, I've lead about 80 kajillion bird and whale watching trips from Canada to the Caribbean over the course of 30 years. I've got a little experience. And I don't put stuff out there if I've not confirmed and reconfirmed it to be true.

I do my homework.

I've got a thing from Mass Audubon, a thing from the Cousteau Society, a thing from a leading private College in Boston, two things from the Coast Guard, Phi Beta Kappa, Magna Cum Laude, and the list goes on and on.

Whatever. It's just what I enjoy, so shut up.

I'm not looking to brag. I'm just telling you I know my shit.

So, I sent this picture to this person and she turns around and texts me these big LONG ridiculous texts telling me that my bird ID is wrong. Well, I never SAID it was that kind of bird. I was TELLING you that the mixed flock had arrived and that they were in my treetops RIGHT NEXT to my bedroom window. I didn't SAY it was THAT particular kind of bird, I was simply TELLING you that they were here. (And, by the way, they're here in my yard again today, but guess what douchebag? You're not invited to see them now.)

Hunh.

Some people, right?

So she gets all bitchy and up in my bidness because I didn't expressly tell her NOT to give me her opinion.

Well, when someone DOESN'T ask for your opinion, that implies that it is not being asked of you.

Am I missing something here?

Do we now have to preface each statement with "Please. Do NOT give me your opinon!"?

Good heavens to Betsy.

So, when someone sends you a picture of a beautiful bird and tells you that there are also OTHER birds that are RARE in this flock, perhaps you can just text back and say, "WOW! Thanks for letting me know!"

I've been at this for a long long time. Just because I look young does not discount my 30+ years of experience in the field.

Don't assume that you know more than I do just because you're old and wrinkled and dried up. And you don't know ANYTHING about the subject, amateur.

This person came by last week and we talked about the birds and my sanctuary-ish yard for about 1/2 an hour. When she first pulled up in her car, she saw me outside getting the mail. And I saw the look on her face. She was one of those reverse-sexist people.

This is what I saw when she was sizing me up:

"Well, you're blonde. You've got blue eyes. Your house is beautiful. You've got a cute little dog. And a nice husband. So, you're obviously not a person with a BRAIN who could possibly know what the hell you're talking about."

So, Icky Person, this is what I have to say:

I've got a life list like you'd dream about. 

169 birds in the East 

(plus about 70 more in the Caribbean, California and Texas,

 but we don't have to talk about that) 

and 155 and COUNTING so far here in Alaska.

 I'm almost at the 500 mark for life birds.

How many have you've seen? Oh. 

Not close to 500 confirmed? Sorry 'bout that.

NOT.

Lately I feel like society has reverted into some sort of ugly version of itself from about 50 years ago.

Men don't respect me and women underestimate me. ALL. THE. TIME.

Alaska needs to get a life, get some education and get the f*ck into the 21st Century with the rest of the world.

Yeah yeah yeah, "Last Frontier." More like last in line at the "Free! Manners are FREE!!" giveaway.

Grow up. 

And just make ANY effort to BE NICE! 

Yeesh.

Ciao for now. I'm gonna go look a the gorgeous flock of Bohemian and Asian Waxwings that love my beautiful yard that I PLANTED to attract birds, butterflies and bees. TWEET!

Leave People Alone and BE NICE

For PETE's sake.

So much has happened in the last 48 hours, it's making my head spin.

My friend who was moving out tomorrow is now moving back IN!!  : ) I am not at all surprised. Three years is a long time to just throw away. However, someone's gotta do his part in making things work. I think the therapy thingy is a great idea. Total support being thrown your way, sister friend.

She makes is other people's business about what she's up to because she CHOOSES to blog about it. However, that does NOT give utter strangers the right to make judgements about what she wants to do or not. She happens to be my best friend of 46 years. I do have opinions about things, but it mostly stems from my overwhelming desire to protect her.

When we were kids she was a scrawny little thing (she still is rather petite which pisses me off because she's over there eating lasagna and Sonic burgers and I'm over here with my lettuce and one tablespoon of dressing!!).  I have not once been scrawny until I was an anorexic, running addict in college. That was the ONLY time I was told I was "too" thin.

It sent a thrill through me whenever someone commented on how skinny I was. It was positive reinforcement for a very terrible secret I was carrying. 

The secret was that I was an exercise-bulemic person. It wasn't a thing back then, so I was labeled as anorexic, but I didn't mind the label at all. I felt like it was a badge of honor or something stupid like that.

So back to my friend.

I am an athletic gal with lots of muscle mass - so I felt and STILL feel compelled to protect my bestie over there. She's a flibbitygibbit and neurotic and hypochondriacal and all the things I'm not!  We are polar opposites but have always sort of shared a brain. Same sense of humor, same oddball taste in men, same love of the word and all things associated with bathroom humor (much to my Mom's dismay).

We even look similar and when we were kids we were IMPOSSIBLE to be friends with. We judged everyone VERY harshly and both talk a mile a minute. It's really hard for others to keep up!

We try harder now to be more forgiving of others, but it can be difficult - particularly when you date or marry one of our old flames! Majorly judgmental then! Gotta be expected, right? Hee!

I had to call her a while back when I was in traffic in Massachusetts. I had to pull over from the giggle fits I was experiencing as I was calling her at work.

She whispered "Hi! What?"

I said, "I'm in traffic. Big moving truck next to me!"

And she said, "What is it?" 

And trying not to laugh just hearing her voice is impossible! 

She always makes me giggle even when it's sad news.

So, I said, "The name of the company? A. Duie Pyle!"

And we giggled and snorted for about five minutes and then she whispered, "I gotta go. Boss coming. Have a meeting. BYE!"

And I whispered "Ok. Bye!"

That's the majority of our exchanges.

"Baybee mouse in kitchen. Watched me make a BLT. Will keep you posted!"

That was my email to her recently.

And I got back "I WANT BAYBEE MOWSE!"

And we giggle from our opposite coastal locations and continue being ridiculous 46 years into this friendship!

So, sometimes when you see cryptic postings on Facebook, most times it's meant for her. To let her know I'm okay and what's been happening to me over here in GODFORSAKEN Alaska!!

My puppy dog, baybee mowses, voles, mooses, bears, the baby squirrel who lives in my garden shed, the pretty songbirds in my yard that swooped in at sunrise today and are twittering in the plum tree and spruces in my back yard! So beautiful. Bohemian and Asian waxwings, chickadees, nuthatches, magpies, some sorta sparrows, hundreds of birds here right now!

Between my garden and the critters, I'm completely happy. I don't need human interaction even on a daily basis. And my bestie over there is the same way.

I have such issues LIVING with a person. Ugh. Living with people is terribly hard, if you ask me. I'm much better off left to my own devices about 99% of the time.

When I feel like being social, well, WATCH OUT!! I'm crazy social until I get totally burned out, and then I make my big retreat into my home, my yard, my writing, reading or even watching my favorite comedians online or the many DVDs I've got upstairs.

Which, natch, brings me to Russell Brand's new video about humanity and what it means to have good intentions and good will toward your fellow human.

I'm just gonna throw it out there because I used to watch those terrible, addicting shows about people behaving badly. All the Real Housewives bullshit on Bravo & the rag shows like TMZ or others.

They truly are bad for you and bad for everyone involved. It's a money making machine for rich people and it preys upon our morbid curiosity for how the "pretty people" really live. Well, let it come as no surprise, these shows are scripted and have story lines that the "actors" pitch to the producers. I know people in Beverly Hills who are real friends of the Vanderpumps and the Kyles and the rest of them.

Those rotten shows are simply a way for the rich to get richer and the rest of us to get dumber and be fed the KoolAid by the Koch Brothers and the rest of those assholes.

So, stop. Just stop it. Be smart. Get smarter. Take a class, read a book, wonder at the natural beauty that surrounds you each day whether it's a whale or a little tiny mouse or even an amazing insect like the Luna Moth I found the day before I left for Alaska! I had the whole restaurant marveling at this gorgeous creature, in total wonderment at what is sometimes right under your feet.

Here's the video by Russell Brand...I am his #1 fan right now.

Ciao for now!

Commence the niceness. Thank you!

There's this thing called privacy

Stolen from a friend via her website.
Tru dat.

Well.

The stuff I put on here is completely anonymous. For the most part the people that read this do not know me at all.

There are very few people from my "real" life who I even let read this stuff.

I truly write this here bloggity because it's cathartic for me. I feel better when I can get this stuff out of my cranium and onto this here screen.

I'm sitting in my living room, looking out onto my pretty back yard and deck and the Tibetan Prayer flags gently waving in the wind.

In the front yard is a blue spruce that my neighbor cut down and gave to us for Christmas. It's still decorated with cute bulbs and a garland made of oyster shells from Africa. Also has some paper ribbon of red and purple in it.

Whether or not you believe in this kind of stuff, I feel protected by the trees and the birds and the little voles and mices that are living in my yard. My Beebles also protects me. She's very alert, and, as my Mom used to say, "The world needs more Lerts!"

My parents didn't raise me in a traditional way - I mean they were pretty traditional when you get down to the WASPy roots I enjoy, but my parents were always the spectacular people in the room. The people that threw the big parties that everyone wanted to attend.

I remember having the group, "Hot Chocolate" in my house for their big Gold Record party celebration. The DJ that was my Dad's co-worker, Phil Orth, or "Orth from the North" - was the first to release their song "You Sexy Thing" so he was being celebrated along with the band.

That's not your typical childhood memory. Or at least I thought so.

Turns out that there are a lot of people with famous connections, because "celebrities" are just people. They grew up just the same as you and I did! They have families, friends, co-workers from the past and present! Just people.

So, I used to watch award shows and criticize (and also celebrate) what the pretty people were wearing. I was harsh sometimes. Now I feel bad about that. What if you went to some fancy affair and then the next day there are hundreds of sites on the internet declaring you the "Worst Dressed" in all of the land?

I'd HATE that!

Living in Alaska, I feel a bit like that. Because I'm from Massachusetts, I'm labeled as weird, liberal and naive.

???

Really, now? So, the degrees I've earned and the whole Phi Beta Kappa thing?

Oh, right. You would know about PBK because you think it's some special brand of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

Dumb sh*ts.

Honestly.

Yes. I have blonde hair. Blue eyes. Yes, I'm in good shape (thank you) again.

I lost weight. Not my brain.

So, again. I beg of you. Please stop with the bashing of men, women or whatever.

JUST BE NICE.

My Mom and Dad taught me the old maxim:

If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.

I realize I'm a bit of a hypocrite when I say that and then call certain people dumb sh*ts. However, if you pick on me, over and over, and you continue to underestimate me, you can't expect me to just sit here and take it.

Gonna go study for the Bar.

You know, not the kind with cocktails, you dumb ****.

Yeesh.

Ciao again for now.

Recent Activity and Other Fun Stuff

Heyo!

Feeling much more like myself instead of the angry ranty person that has been me of late.

See, I get very bitchy when I'm treated poorly repeatedly. After a thirteen year marriage where the last year was from HELL? I now have a zero tolerance policy for being treated poorly.

I'll put up with a little crappiness from my new husband because he doesn't know me that well yet, and I also am getting to know him more, too.

However, if you mess with me or my family or one of my best friends? You're gonna hear about it.

I've had dinners at a certain person's home - she's lovely and sweet and was very kind to me when I was so depressed I wanted to die. She and her husband were both very sweet and nice to me, in fact.

So, at one of these dinners, the guy, we'll call him Bob was remarking to his wife, Bobbi, that she should not have another glass of wine.

Now, this woman works full time, and also does side jobs to make extra $$$. She made us a gourmet meal in the beautiful house she decorated herself, replete with gorgeous candles, chandeliers and trompe l'oeille features in the kitchen. It was an incredible home.

If the lady wants a SECOND glass of wine. She can have a second glass of effing wine, there, Bob.

So, they started to have words at the table in front of my husband and me.

And, frankly, I let Bob have it will all barrels. If you wanna make a scene in your house with dinner guests, well, don't expect us to not HEAR it. Good LORD. Have some couth.

So, I said to good ol' Bob,

"Bob. Why don't you mind your own business? If Bobbi wants a goddamn BOTTLE of wine with a straw in it in her own house at her own damn dinner table, then she can have that, too. You're not her Father or guardian. She's a goddamn adult and can drink whatever the hell she deems necessary."

Mind you, this is not an alcoholic person. She's totally adorable and fun and gets tipsy on occasion because she weighs about 5 ounces.

I also understand that he may not like her getting tipsy or a little sloppy or whatever. Well, then he shouldn't have married her. She's no different now than when you were dating for 2 years.

(And he was cheating on his ex-wife, which is totally, you know, like totally COOL.)

So, yeah. You're perfect, there, Bob. Totally without blemish.

GIVE ME A LARGE BREAK!!

So, that's why I was ranty. I'm tired of other people telling me what to do or what not to do. Telling me what I can or can't say. Or that I laugh too loud. Or that I shouldn't wear my hair this way or that.

Or that if someone's TERRIBLE behavior has caused me about 40 hours of having to deal with the police, the Attorney General's office, the credit card fraud departments and my bank and BILL COLLECTORS even!

I don't skip out on my bills. Ever.

Nor do I intend to START, Verizon, who will not call me or let me speak with a human person i their fraud detection department. Form letters and the runaround. 

Well done, Verizon. Way to treat a faithful customer of about 15 years.

So, that's why I get angry. I don't want to have to spend my time on this. I'm a nice person who was simply trying to help out a woman who I thought was in serious trouble with domestic violence.

To retaliate? I've been aggressively generous these past few days! Giving away four bags of food, old clothes that I never wear, backpacks left behind in a closet...I even gave away a beautiful arrangement that I had caringly made for someone who also just left it behind and my old iPhone4S. Those are going for a charity that helps teens and adults in need. They're called the Pacific Northwest Adult & Teen Challenge. I also am donating about $1200 worth of clothes to three different charities around town, including AWAIC - Abused Women's Aid In Crisis and a few other fine charities. Even gave some of the cute things away that I had given to decorate this young woman's room. They were mine to give and frankly, if you leave a room in shambles and then leave behind 800 hangers? Well, I'm gonna give that stuff to people who actually appreciate the kindness of others.

No names. No pictures today. No bullsh*t anymore. I've had enough. So the more you are icky, I'm gonna trump that with excellence of character and kindness toward others who truly are in need.

"Be kind. Always and to a fault" - told to me by my Dad. Wise words.

"The best revenge is a life well-lived" - by somebody famous. Google it.

I say. The best revenge is to cancel out the negativity by being aggressively generous. Always and to a fault.

Thank you and commence paying it forward!

Ciao for now.