The Difference Between Being Alone and Being Lonely

The view from our room in Tortola at Long Bay Beach Resort.

Triana River in Seville.

Quisset Harbor in Buzzard's Bay, Massachusetts.

Martha's Vineyard, Vineyard Haven.

Lady and Koty in a stream at Mount Washington.

Sadie and Koty on Boaty.
I miss my dogs.

You know, you never really can tell what it's like to be in someone else's shoes, so to speak. Our experience of life is singularly our own.

We all, for reals, are just alone in the world. We can have friends and family and all that good stuff, but we're products of our genetics and experiences and no one else has it exactly the same as you.

Kind of weird to think about that.

The first time I really thought about it was my introduction to Sociobiology; The New Synthesis by Edward O. Wilson. One of the most revolutionary books I've ever read on evolutionary psychology.

Thinking about free will, and how much a person actually has, was and is odd to ponder.

But in a way, it's also kind of freeing when you can let go of expecting another person to behave just as you would in every situation.

That, however, does not give people a pass for plain old bad behavior.

There is someone I love a lot who is not able to return it. He tries all the time. He tries hard. He "tries" to be nice and "tries" to love me like I love him.

But something gets lost in the "trying" because it's just not genuine.

If you are constantly seeking and trying, you're missing out on the being of it in the present.

I knew a person who went in search of herself. She traveled and did this and that and the other and meditation and yoga and spiritual quests.

When she returned from all the seeking, all that was left? Was her. There was nothing else.

She kept looking for answers when all along the answers were right in front of her face. She was too busy looking in all other directions and she forgot to just experience life as it came.

It's an interesting thing how so many people are always busy and have so many appointments and outings and going here and there all the time. The phones, the ipads, the televisions, the computers. This constant need to fill up every waking moment with stuff.

To me? That is sheer and utter hell.

I cannot STAND a constant barrage of things to do and places to go and the constant chatter of people and phones and television...

I like being alone. I like silence. I REALLY like quiet and just the sounds of the house around me or the sounds of the birds twittering and the wind chimes lightly dinging in the trees out back.

One of my most favorite sounds is the lapping of water up against the hull of a boat while I'm sitting in the sun watching birds or whales. Or the sounds of water against the hull while I'm in a bunk drifting off to sleep after a long day of working on the boat or in the garden.

I don't need music going or the television in the background. Right now, in fact, I'm listening to the fan, the buzz of the refrigerator and the sound of my little dog breathing deeply as she sleeps on the couch.

My phone is off. And I'm just typing. My back is tight from gardening all the time this past week and also from being tense after a not-so-nice interaction yesterday with that person I love.

So, being alone is fine with me. But I can be lonely when I'm alone and even MORE so when I'm with a person who doesn't even care if I'm there or not.

My ex-husband made me feel desperately lonely. When he got home from work, he was either on the phone, on his ipad or watching television. Sometimes it was all three at the same time.

Well, I managed to find another person who is pretty checked out. He has no interest in my day or what I want or hope or dream about. I tell him things out of sheer boredom, but he doesn't even remember what I said. He'll ask me the same questions 20 times and never ever remember what my answer was.

He lost his job and then, without ever asking, decided he's seeking a new job in a different state. He didn't even ask me if I WANTED to live in that state or take into account the fact that I spent over $30,000 to move my stuff here and get my new business established through networking, licensing and marketing during the last 10 months. It's been a huge financial strain on my personal savings to get all of this done.

He didn't even offer to help me move here. He didn't even "try" to help.

So, when I tell people about this person and how poorly I'm being treated, there's a lot more to the story. Like how I took care of him during the darkest days of winter in Alaska - three months - while he recuperated from a triple surgery.

I didn't get to go anywhere or do anything because he was in constant need of help. He couldn't even drive or tie his shoes, for heaven's sake.

Nobody was around to help me take care of him, the house, the dogs, our tenant, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and then also trying desperately not to get depressed during days of little or no sunlight.

There was no laughter anymore. There was no one being nice to me. In fact, I got yelled at when my help was unwelcome at times.

And this was all coinciding with my identity being stolen and more of my money just disappearing into the mist.

So, when I tell you I'm okay and I'm going to be fine, I am. I've endured way more than all of this.

However, do NOT start my day each day with news of death, destruction and your mistaken idea that you've "ruined my life."

No one is responsible for my happiness. Nor am I responsible for yours.

My sunny outlook is just that. It's mine. You do not get to steal my sun or suck my oxygen.

I already had someone in my life that tried to put me down and make me feel bad about myself.

There is not a person in the world who is capable of doing that to me now. I worked too long and too hard to claw my way out of that terrible hole and there's no way I'm getting back in there.

I do appreciate advice from the people who know and love me. I know you're concerned that I'm not okay.

But the truth is I'm okay.

I might not be thrilled with the circumstances or some of my choices, but given what I knew at the time, I'd likely make those same choices again.

Hindsight is 20/20, but the truth is only in the present.

My Beebles. I adore this little pumpkin.

My poor Dallas. I loved that pooch.

Bad News and Other People's Problems

A spectacular Bleeding Heart in my old back yard.

Lilacs. yumm.

I won an award for the flower boxes I did this year. 1st place!

Pretty rose in Loja Spain.

It is so very interesting how people react to bad news.

My husband lost his job for various reasons on Friday. That's happening a lot around here as the oil companies take their money and run.

Luckily the Native Corporations are booming and hiring loads of people, so thank GOD for that.

In any case, this brings me sort of full circle back to when I was going through my hardest, darkest times. If you didn't know about my saga a few years back, it ranged from dying dogs, divorce, two deaths (my Grandma and one of my dearest friends), a deranged dog that I tried to help but could not - he bit three people, lost my job and my house (I sold it - made a profit, so that was a blessing) and basically lost every last shred of confidence I'd ever managed to muster.

I didn't even know how to cook or garden or make decisions or take care of myself in any meaningful way. For a while I took prescription pills for my high blood pressure, a different one for my CRAZY anxiety attacks, a pill to help me sleep and I drank a lot to just numb the pain of everything.

Notsomuch did I want to kill myself because that would require planning and it was too much like work to even think about how sad my Mom and Dad and my other relatives and friends would be.

So it wasn't really thoughts of suicide, it was just wanting out. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to not be nauseous all the time. I hardly ate anything for about a year. It was too much work to try to make any food and nothing sounded good. Ever.

I ended up losing 25 pounds and ironically, that was one of the things that helped get me un-depressed and partially helped me be not sad ALL the time.

Losing the weight also helped me regain my health - I stopped taking the blood pressure medication and my anxiety levels started to even out.

I realized that numbing myself was not going to cure anything. So I got into therapy, stopped drinking for a year and stopped taking the sleeping meds, too.

Now, with the loss of my husband's job, money is now a huge issue. We're talking about our options and what the future might look and feel like, so it's actually kind of a good thing. It's allowed us to kind of join forces to try to come up with suitable solutions to our present situation.

It's so interesting though, when people ask how you're doing and for the most part, I just say I'm fine and move on to other topics. But sometimes, it's necessary to tell people the honest truth about how you REALLY are. Sometimes I'm NOT fine. I'll certainly BE fine but sometimes shit happens and it's just shitty.

Sometimes it's okay to tell people that things are not good at the present moment. Sometimes a good cry is exactly what is needed.

It's OKAY to have emotions and feelings.

They WILL NOT kill you! Not at all.

Some people just kind of laugh and give a cliche to you to make you feel better. My favorite was the "God closes one door in order to open another."

Nope. Sometimes it's just shit everywhere you look. And then sometimes? It gets even worse.

So, when someone tells you bad news, and I know I've said this before, sometimes they just want to be heard and get some damn sympathy for their crappy day or crappy year.

Utter strangers have given me hugs recently when I told them what had happened. And then other people that I thought were good friends? They just run for the hills! Yikes!

It's shocking the way people react. Like if you possibly get too close the bad luck or sad emotions will rub off on them.

As if we are all supposed to be super stoic and everything is supposed to be perfect at all times.

No. No it's not.

There are wars going on, leaving children orphaned, there was a HUGE earthquake in Nepal killing thousands of souls, our government has gone totally mental, riots and protests in Baltimore, domestic violence everywhere, racism rampant STILL and loads of hard-working people - like my husband -OUT OF A JOB in a terrible economic environment.

And frankly? There's just a lot of bad behaviour out there. The "Me Monster" as my favorite comedian, Brian Regan, calls them.

There are LOADS of Me Monsters around these days and they do not give a flying crap about anyone or anything except lining their pockets and "getting ahead."

It's like these asshats in traffic who will NOT let you into a lane and speed up to get to a red light.

WTF?

It's baffling to me.

And the woman at the bar a few months back - I bought a round for some of my friends and she was sitting with them. She actually had the audacity to accept the drink and then act like I was trying to "get" something from her. She said "I don't KNOW you. What are you doing buying ME a drink?"

?

Nice. Very classy. And you're welcome, jerkface.

The people I knew who were with her were trying to get her to calm down, but she was in some sort of alcohol-induced anger circuit. It was really embarrassing for her and her friends who know me.

People.

Whatever, right? That's her problem - entirely hers. Not at all mine.

So, again. My plea? Just go be nice. That's all. You really don't have to go out of your way to do anything in particular, but just be nice to other people.

If they need to talk? Listen. Put aside your agenda for like 10 minutes and just listen.

If they need to cry? Comfort them. Give them a warm hug or hold their hand or whatever. Just listen and then when they stop crying or talking? Just tell them you're there for them.

Sometimes we all need a bit of reassurance that things sometimes are shitty but they do not REMAIN shitty forever.

Ups and downs are all a natural part of life.

My ex-husband's Grandmother, Bea, was one of the kindest, nicest humans I've had the pleasure to meet. She was gentle and artistic and just sweet as can be.

After her beloved Dave passed away, she would often call either my husband or me and describe that she was feeling "blue." She didn't really cry but you could see the sadness in her eyes when we'd go for visits sometimes.

We'd talk about Dave and her art and the news and what birds had recently visited the feeder we put outside her window. We'd talk about her sister and other relatives and her friends in the assisted living home she lived in. On occasion, I'd stay and have dinner with her and her 100 year old table mate (who was SOOOO interesting!) and Eleanor who was never married and was in her late 80s and was a big wig in the Army.

These women had done everything in their lives the way they wanted. Eleanor regretted not having children because she was often very lonely. The other woman, Mary, she was a world traveler and had a big family but no one close by to visit.

And then there was lovely Bea who had family and friends and was sharp sharp sharp up to the last minute, but her body was failing her. Even her esophageal muscles were failing. Can you imagine?

I digress. My point was that despite losing her husband and basically being taken away from her home and everything familiar, Bea remained so very positive. She just forged ahead each day anew.

Often I'd let Bea know she was a huge inspiration to me. All that she had accomplished and her immense talent could have made her a bit egotistical.

Quite the contrary. She was a very gentle, quiet, kind force with which to be reckoned.

I hope to be just like that and I wish that upon all of you out there.

Clovers for luck!