The Difference Between Being Alone and Being Lonely

The view from our room in Tortola at Long Bay Beach Resort.

Triana River in Seville.

Quisset Harbor in Buzzard's Bay, Massachusetts.

Martha's Vineyard, Vineyard Haven.

Lady and Koty in a stream at Mount Washington.

Sadie and Koty on Boaty.
I miss my dogs.

You know, you never really can tell what it's like to be in someone else's shoes, so to speak. Our experience of life is singularly our own.

We all, for reals, are just alone in the world. We can have friends and family and all that good stuff, but we're products of our genetics and experiences and no one else has it exactly the same as you.

Kind of weird to think about that.

The first time I really thought about it was my introduction to Sociobiology; The New Synthesis by Edward O. Wilson. One of the most revolutionary books I've ever read on evolutionary psychology.

Thinking about free will, and how much a person actually has, was and is odd to ponder.

But in a way, it's also kind of freeing when you can let go of expecting another person to behave just as you would in every situation.

That, however, does not give people a pass for plain old bad behavior.

There is someone I love a lot who is not able to return it. He tries all the time. He tries hard. He "tries" to be nice and "tries" to love me like I love him.

But something gets lost in the "trying" because it's just not genuine.

If you are constantly seeking and trying, you're missing out on the being of it in the present.

I knew a person who went in search of herself. She traveled and did this and that and the other and meditation and yoga and spiritual quests.

When she returned from all the seeking, all that was left? Was her. There was nothing else.

She kept looking for answers when all along the answers were right in front of her face. She was too busy looking in all other directions and she forgot to just experience life as it came.

It's an interesting thing how so many people are always busy and have so many appointments and outings and going here and there all the time. The phones, the ipads, the televisions, the computers. This constant need to fill up every waking moment with stuff.

To me? That is sheer and utter hell.

I cannot STAND a constant barrage of things to do and places to go and the constant chatter of people and phones and television...

I like being alone. I like silence. I REALLY like quiet and just the sounds of the house around me or the sounds of the birds twittering and the wind chimes lightly dinging in the trees out back.

One of my most favorite sounds is the lapping of water up against the hull of a boat while I'm sitting in the sun watching birds or whales. Or the sounds of water against the hull while I'm in a bunk drifting off to sleep after a long day of working on the boat or in the garden.

I don't need music going or the television in the background. Right now, in fact, I'm listening to the fan, the buzz of the refrigerator and the sound of my little dog breathing deeply as she sleeps on the couch.

My phone is off. And I'm just typing. My back is tight from gardening all the time this past week and also from being tense after a not-so-nice interaction yesterday with that person I love.

So, being alone is fine with me. But I can be lonely when I'm alone and even MORE so when I'm with a person who doesn't even care if I'm there or not.

My ex-husband made me feel desperately lonely. When he got home from work, he was either on the phone, on his ipad or watching television. Sometimes it was all three at the same time.

Well, I managed to find another person who is pretty checked out. He has no interest in my day or what I want or hope or dream about. I tell him things out of sheer boredom, but he doesn't even remember what I said. He'll ask me the same questions 20 times and never ever remember what my answer was.

He lost his job and then, without ever asking, decided he's seeking a new job in a different state. He didn't even ask me if I WANTED to live in that state or take into account the fact that I spent over $30,000 to move my stuff here and get my new business established through networking, licensing and marketing during the last 10 months. It's been a huge financial strain on my personal savings to get all of this done.

He didn't even offer to help me move here. He didn't even "try" to help.

So, when I tell people about this person and how poorly I'm being treated, there's a lot more to the story. Like how I took care of him during the darkest days of winter in Alaska - three months - while he recuperated from a triple surgery.

I didn't get to go anywhere or do anything because he was in constant need of help. He couldn't even drive or tie his shoes, for heaven's sake.

Nobody was around to help me take care of him, the house, the dogs, our tenant, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and then also trying desperately not to get depressed during days of little or no sunlight.

There was no laughter anymore. There was no one being nice to me. In fact, I got yelled at when my help was unwelcome at times.

And this was all coinciding with my identity being stolen and more of my money just disappearing into the mist.

So, when I tell you I'm okay and I'm going to be fine, I am. I've endured way more than all of this.

However, do NOT start my day each day with news of death, destruction and your mistaken idea that you've "ruined my life."

No one is responsible for my happiness. Nor am I responsible for yours.

My sunny outlook is just that. It's mine. You do not get to steal my sun or suck my oxygen.

I already had someone in my life that tried to put me down and make me feel bad about myself.

There is not a person in the world who is capable of doing that to me now. I worked too long and too hard to claw my way out of that terrible hole and there's no way I'm getting back in there.

I do appreciate advice from the people who know and love me. I know you're concerned that I'm not okay.

But the truth is I'm okay.

I might not be thrilled with the circumstances or some of my choices, but given what I knew at the time, I'd likely make those same choices again.

Hindsight is 20/20, but the truth is only in the present.

My Beebles. I adore this little pumpkin.

My poor Dallas. I loved that pooch.

And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program...

In the Chugach State Park in the Campbell Tract. 

Crystals that form when the snow evaporates and then refreezes. 

October in New England at my favorite Orchard and farm.
My friends, the chickens. Hilarious girls!

I have no idea what the hell is going on in the world right now.

Planets must be aligning or something as nearly everyone I know has major turmoil going on.

Family members in and out of the ICU, losing jobs, people behaving badly.

Really just loads of strife.

Surely has been a ration of absolutely crazy grossness happening all around these parts.

I, for one? Am tired of it. I'm ready for some smooth sailing again.

As many of you know, I went through a VERY rough patch in life about three years ago. Took me a LONG time, lots of money and lots of therapy sessions to get my head back on even close to straight.

Luckily, despite all of the crap that has been happening in the recent months, I'm totally fine. I might shed some tears and I might get angst-y at times, but for the most part? I'm really quite okay.

Big revelation to know that whatever is thrown at you, pretty much? Meh. Whatever. It can be dealt with. Just take it one thing at a time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT having much fun with all the monetary turmoil and lack of income and waiting on the IRS to issue me my refund (yeesh) - however, as a wise friend once told me:

"If you can throw money at a problem to make it go away? You're in really good shape!"

And that's the truth. Money can be made. It can be gotten. Real problems and REAL sadness happens upon the death or illness of a loved one. Or when your loved one doesn't love you anymore.

THOSE are real issues.

Jobs come and go, friends sometimes come and go, houses come and go, money, cars, material stuff - all comes and goes.

What really matters?

Like we've all heard when someone is on their deathbed, they do not regret that they didn't spend more time in the office or at their job. They regret that they didn't take part in the every day joy of being with a loved one or friend. Spending time with the dog playing fetch. Playing baseball with their kids. Going for a midnight swim with their spouse.

Those moments that you look back upon and remember fondly? They certainly don't involve a stack of paperwork at your job.

So, as I'm going through the crap of daily life, I really really really do make the effort to take the time to smell the roses. And marvel at the little butterfly that landed on my Chinese poppies on Saturday. And take in lovely lavender color of the crocuses in my neighbor's yard.

The birds that are nesting in my yard bring me so much happiness! I know most people think I'm whacko because most days I take an hour or two just to go birdwatching and keeping track of the progress of the plants as spring warms us up.

I was just outside putting a letter in my mailbox, red flag up for the postman. (Who is delightful, by the way and also a transplant from MA!)

There are about a million little sprouts of lichens in the yard, wild snapdragons, Jacob's ladder, LOADs of life! Green sprouts of grass, red peony leaves and my beautiful bleeding hearts are bursting forth.

There's also a weird mystery plant that has found its way right next to the front door. Can't wait to see what the heck it turns into! It may be a cyclamen that seeded itself - I grow them inside in the upstairs bathroom and when the blooms or leaves are spent, I throw them out the window to adorn the walkway (even spent flowers are pretty to me).

Annnyway, I read a big article about the protests in Baltimore and all that's happening there.

Gives a person some perspective. I'm not gonna worry about a lost job or a few hundred dollars that someone stole from me. How lucky that I had the money to steal to begin with, right?

So, straighten up, fellow humans. Let's do this thing together. Let's help each other out. We are, after all, floating around a huge star on a planet that is mostly water and getting waterier every day.

I suggest we all learn to swim. Reeeaaaalllly well!

Yikes.

Take care of yourself and go forth and be nice to a stranger today. Make someone's day brighter.

Ciao for now and thank you for reading.

xoxo

Enough

Happy as a clam snorkeling off Norman Island in the British Virgin Islands.

This is a lovely post I grabbed off of Facebook. It didn't have a specific author that I could see, so I'm just re-posting this as I found it.

It was inspired by an elderly woman saying goodbye to her daughter in the airport. She wished her daughter "I wish you enough." And the daughter responded in kind.

Upon asking the woman about their tearful departure and the words they exchanged, the woman explained that she knew that was the final goodbye with her daughter...

And the part about wishing someone enough? This is what that meant:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. 
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. 
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. 
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. 
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. 
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. 
I wish enough "Hellos" to get you through the final "Good-bye.."

I so get that. Until you are there for the final moments of someone's life - be it a friend, family-member or even your beloved dog or cat, you just cannot understand the value of having "enough."

Being wealthy is fine and dandy, but being lonely? There's no amount of money that can fill that void.

Money is grand, but when you have all the money in the world, but cannot make your Mom or Dad any younger or you cannot cure the cancer that is killing your best friend? Money suddenly is dumb.

There have been a lot of losses in my realm in the last few years. Grandparents, young friends, old friends, dogs, cats that were my friends...It just sucks. I was just crying because two of my Auntie's cats passed away in the last few months. I adored both of them.

So, for today, not a lot to say except that all I want is enough for you, for me, for anyone who is going through a tough time (which seems to be rampant right now).

I just want to live a good life and be happy. I don't need fancy or complicated. I surely don't need or want drama.

I just want a good life. Good food. Health. The ability to travel on occasion. The ability and wherewithal to work, heal my hurts and make a little money.

Hope this post finds you well.

Ciao for now.

xoxo

Happy as a clam again playing in my garden last summer in Alaska!

Dilemmas, conundrums and WTFs

Spring. A time for renewal and fresh starts. I thought...

It seems to me, lately anyway, that there are very few humans who are authentically themselves.

They are the people who just go about their business, no pretenses, very un-judgementally wending their way through life.

They are generally speaking, much happier than most other humans, they are unapologetic for their way of living and they really tend not to give a crap what you think of them.

I like that in a human.

Of course, I'm not talking about people who are mean to others and then unapologetic, you know what I'm talking about. People who are just content to do their thing and if you want to come along for the ride, even better!!

I'm having a major dilemma with someone I care about deeply. Or I thought I did. It seems this person is not the person I originally thought. When a person tells you they love you, I tend to believe it. Love is not a simple thing, but it can be given freely and without reservation even when times are tough. Or at least that's what I was always told.

Even when my parents were mad at me, I never doubted their love. Even when harsh words were said, no one questioned the underlying love we all have for each other. Even now, when I'm "all growed up (hah!)" my parents get mad at me for things, and I get mad at them, too! But I never, ever for ONE second, question their love and I know they do not question mine.

My relatives are among the best humans I've ever known. I trust them and love them and I'd do anything at all for them to ensure their happiness or health or safety.

I thought that's what this other person was about, but it's not feeling that way lately. It's feeling really quite the opposite. More like I'm an imposition. Like I'm a burden or something.

It's not like I'm not industrious! Good heavens. In the last year I've moved across the country with all of my beloved art and antiques and plants, started a new business (which is thriving, by the by), continued my writing, made loads of friends, created a giant perennial cutting garden in the back yard, planted loads of beautiful other perennials to make this property a dream place, I've fixed things, had my identity stolen (yuck), lost lots of money, plan to make it back, have gone on several trips, taken care of the house, dog, a husband who had surgery, and in the meantime have also taken care of myself mentally and physically.

Those are no small feats.

And yet, this person in my life? It's a mystery why the words "I love you" no longer exit his mouth.

Unbelievable, really. And exceptionally painful.

I'm so hurt I can barely even stand it sometimes.

But the thing that I can know? Is that I'm okay. And that I'm not a bad person.

I'm a flawed person, yes. But who isn't?

So, it's a dreary day here. Springy and dreary. Aunt Flo decided to visit (ugh) so that's always a blast. And I'm here in the quiet with my puppy dog that I adore and I just wish to GOD that this person would wake up before I'm gone gone gone.

Dwelling on the past gets us in trouble. Always. If you're constantly mulling over what happened then, you never EVER will be in the here and now and I can GUARANTEE that your future will be as dull and gray as this day...

As my friends say, "Wake UP, buttercup!"

There's no time like the present to get your sh*t together...

That's all I've got today. Back hurts and I need some giggling to happen PRONTO.

Ciao for now,
xoxo

Cute little crab on the beach on Jost Van Dyke! He was hilarious!

A Study in Mixed Emotions

Had a faboosh day yesterday. Gardened at my house and then spent a bunch of time with my excellent friend K and her guy at their house planning their garden. I also cooked them a special dinner as their son was headed out for a three day trip - his first ever trip away from home without the parents! Big goings on for both parents and the son!

The dinner was a cioppino of gorgeous squid, mussels and smoked oysters. I cooked it with chicken broth, red wine, balsamic vinegar, beer, onion, garlic and loads of good Italian seasonings - parsley, dill, thyme, some red chili for bite, some mustard, paprika and celery seed. It came out beautifully.

Then I made some flavored couscous and a spring cabbage, cuke and onion salad in a balsamic/mustard sauce.

Nom nom NOM!

None of these fine people really LIKE to cook and they had all this gorgeous seafood in the freezer, so I just did my thing! I like to make others happy. It makes ME happy.

Which brings me to the topic at hand.

After my day of gardening and being outside and getting a play date for my doggie with NORBERT the mouser (who, incidentally did not catch the gray mousie in my kitchen which is now in a Havaheart trap on the way across town!), I decided to meet up with a couple friends at the local watering hole that I love.

So, in comes this OTHER person who shall remain nameless other than calling him Mr. Cretin. So Mr. C comes in all puffed up like he usually does (mind you, NO one likes this guy. Can't name one person who would call him a friend).

Well, of course, he sits himself right down next to me. Ugh.

See, I know of a certain something that Mr. C did to my friend K (up there ^). I know of his lies and his attempts to cheat his ex-wife out of something and the lies that he asked my friend to tell on his behalf.

I also know of a couple shady business practices this person has going on.

He is a misogynistic bigot and, frankly? I don't want a thing to do with him. I've had go-rounds with this CRETIN on more than a few occasions. He does NOT like me because I'm way smarter than he is and his daughter looks up to me.

Well he started in on his name-calling and swearing at me and insinuating that because my politics do not align with his that I am dumb.

I informed this person that, in fact, I'm not a Democrat or a Liberal or a Republican or a Conservative. I'm an independent thinker and am very independent in the voting booth. His assumptions are incorrect. Period.

Then, I politely asked him to please stop talking about subjects that we obviously would not agree upon. I just wanted to visit with my friends and have a nice evening.

Well, this CRETIN would not stop. He would NOT stop. I even moved away from him physically - and what'd he do? He kept yelling at me across the bar.

Very suave.

Shocking that you're single, there, Bub.

Shocking.

See, I was there with FRIENDS. That like me and call me and come to my house and we really like each other.

You, Cretin-face, on the other hand, inserted yourself where you were not welcome.

So, what happened, pray tell?

Security was called (not by me) and one of the big, burly guys who is my friend, came and sat next to me and basically dared this CRETIN to continue his tirade of crap.

He was cut off (he'd been drinking beer and was getting a little, let's say, wobbly).

He embarrassed himself further by stating "You know, this country went to hell in a handbasket the minute we gave those broads and immigrants the right to vote."

Very debonaire.

Impressively ignorant.

Again, SHOCKING that your wife divorced you. Hmm. A real mystery there.

So, my thing is this. Today was the first day a woman piloted one of the Thunderbirds.

Yet, we still have to have this sh*t thrown at us. Like it's some MYSTERY that a woman can fly a godd*mn plane.

WHAT THE H*LL?

This makes me angry and sad all at the same time.

Why is this some big deal? Of COURSE women can do anything that men can do.

Of course.

Duh.

I've been saying lately that just because you have a penis, it does not give you some sort of special privilege in this world. But I guess I'm one of the few that truly believes it.

Since I was a kid people always kind of pigeonholed me as a "tomboy." I didn't want dolls or to play house, I wanted Matchbox cars and magnets and even a cap gun. I liked fishing and climbing trees and playing sports. I loved school and learning and words and my microscope and telescope.

Animals were always my thing - from pet spiders in the garage to the beautiful fish I'd catch and pet. Tadpoles, mud puppies, ducks, muskrats, beavers, birds, ocean critters, swimming, pretending I was a mermaid.

Never was or will be a girly-girl, I was and continue to just be a person with big dreams about sailing the Seven Seas and being out in the wilderness.

So far I've sailed the Eastern and Western North Atlantic, The Caribbean, The North Pacific, The Mediterranean and The Aegean Sea.

And the list continues to grow as I learn more and live more!

What I'd like people who read this to think about today is how we raise our children to be in this world. Don't automatically assume that your child wants to wear a dress because she's a female. Likewise, don't assume that if your male child is attracted to pink and likes sparkles that he's wrong for liking those things.

I didn't want to wear dresses or skirts. I wanted to dress in a practical way so that I could run and jump and play and do the monkey bars and dig in the dirt.

Kids are just people. We're all just people. All colors, races, ethnicities, cultures, ideas, dreams, souls.

If we could all just wake up and literally smell the roses, do our jobs, open a window, listen to the birds, enjoy a view over a lake or mountain or even just a nice sky...

It's not that hard to find the tiniest little pleasure in a smile from a baby or even a nice "hello" when you see someone.

Yesterday there was a woman at that same watering hole where I encountered cretin-man. Well, she was in a KILLER dress and had a rockin' body and was just gorgeous. One of those all-natural beauty types. She was probably around my age and she was stunning.

So, I quietly went to her table and apologized for interrupting. I told her that we all were admiring her beautifulness and that the dress was amazing on her.

I cannot TELL you how happy that made her! She thanked me about 20 times before she left with her friends. Told me I made her whole week with that one little compliment.

It is NOT hard to make others happy. It just takes the tiniest effort.

So. Whatcha waitin' for?

Ciao for now!

xoxo

Spring is Upon Us!

Bleeding hearts. 

Crocus!

Spring fleurs.

Tete-a-tete narcissus and violas.

Grape hyacinth, parsley and clovers!

Here I am in Alaska with clients already asking me to come by to check out their gardens and to start spring cleanups!

This started in MARCH! In a thousand years, I'd never dream that I'd move to Alaska (in the first place) and then I'd be gardening in March? That's just whack.

But, here I am and here is spring and I'm looking at bright blue sky and it just rained for a while. There is no snow - some of the ground is still frozen where it's shady, but otherwise I've got green plants shooting up here and there out in the yard. My bulbs have gone mental - the foliage is incredible, no flowers yet, but it's just so satisfying to see life out there!

The willow trees have bloomed, so I have fresh pussy willows in on of my pots outside. I have to bring them in at night because it's still getting down below freezing, but by mid-day it's been in the 50s. And the bright, hot sun of Alaska is here in full force.

We have SO much sunlight already. The sun is rising at about 7am, setting at 9pm! That's a lot of sunlight and I THRIVE when it's sunny. My mood is elevated and my energy level is off the chart.

By mid-June, at the solstice, we'll have a full 22 hours of sunlight. Truly amazing. And weird!

Yesterday I cooked and gardened all day. Had 7 friends come by and we ate together and laughed and cooked and generally had a wonderful time.

The last person left about 7:30 last night after we took turns playing the piano. It was great - so many talented people around the world.

Languages heard yesterday in my house included Japanese (an 11 year old son of my friend is fluent), Russian, German, French and Spanish. These are world traveler types and so very interesting. Real estate people, a teacher, baker, 4 students, musicians, a non-profit director, and a massage therapist.

And moi. A little bit of everything and nothing in particular. I say I'm a gardener and designer, but in reality I've been thinking a lot about getting back to my research roots. I'm fascinated by the climate issues of the day and how it's affecting the ocean critters. Big shifts are already happening in habitat and migration patterns. Bird species are showing up from Asia and the water in Cook Inlet was not even that cold on Sunday when we were there. I was, of course, stomping around in the water with my boots picking up interesting rocks.

So, I'm sort of at this odd point in my life and career. Knocking on 50 and again asking myself what do I want to be when I grow up?

I've got ideas of getting my law degree to become an advocate. Another idea is to become a conductor for an orchestra. Or get back into piano more. And then I do love cooking, so I think about working in a restaurant as a sous chef. Or then I think I might like to have a small business where I do a five course meal for 6 people at my table on Saturdays and charge a fixed price. And then I think about leading trips again to teach about conservation, marine mammals, fish and birds.

Too many interests, too little time!

And then I remember how much I love gardening and putting plants together to attract birds, butterflies and bees. And making a garden safe for dogs and cats.

Well, I guess you'll have to stay tuned. I know I'm always curious about what the heck will happen on any given day. You never can tell!

Cheers to spring and the sun!

Ciao for now.

The incredible sunset overlooking White Bay
in Jost Van Dyke, British Virgin Islands.

A gorgeous blue tang in the waters off of White Bay.

Niko and Vinz for Spring!

Niko and Vinz - Am I Wrong?

This song makes my day every time I hear it!

Enjoy!

Out to take the dog on ANOTHER walk and look at Denali again. Spring has sprung here in Alaska!

Wooo hoo! There are even BUGS out flying around.

Stay strong, my East Coast peeps! I've got spring boxed up and am sending it!!  : )

xoxo
Ciao for now.