Dilemmas, conundrums and WTFs

Spring. A time for renewal and fresh starts. I thought...

It seems to me, lately anyway, that there are very few humans who are authentically themselves.

They are the people who just go about their business, no pretenses, very un-judgementally wending their way through life.

They are generally speaking, much happier than most other humans, they are unapologetic for their way of living and they really tend not to give a crap what you think of them.

I like that in a human.

Of course, I'm not talking about people who are mean to others and then unapologetic, you know what I'm talking about. People who are just content to do their thing and if you want to come along for the ride, even better!!

I'm having a major dilemma with someone I care about deeply. Or I thought I did. It seems this person is not the person I originally thought. When a person tells you they love you, I tend to believe it. Love is not a simple thing, but it can be given freely and without reservation even when times are tough. Or at least that's what I was always told.

Even when my parents were mad at me, I never doubted their love. Even when harsh words were said, no one questioned the underlying love we all have for each other. Even now, when I'm "all growed up (hah!)" my parents get mad at me for things, and I get mad at them, too! But I never, ever for ONE second, question their love and I know they do not question mine.

My relatives are among the best humans I've ever known. I trust them and love them and I'd do anything at all for them to ensure their happiness or health or safety.

I thought that's what this other person was about, but it's not feeling that way lately. It's feeling really quite the opposite. More like I'm an imposition. Like I'm a burden or something.

It's not like I'm not industrious! Good heavens. In the last year I've moved across the country with all of my beloved art and antiques and plants, started a new business (which is thriving, by the by), continued my writing, made loads of friends, created a giant perennial cutting garden in the back yard, planted loads of beautiful other perennials to make this property a dream place, I've fixed things, had my identity stolen (yuck), lost lots of money, plan to make it back, have gone on several trips, taken care of the house, dog, a husband who had surgery, and in the meantime have also taken care of myself mentally and physically.

Those are no small feats.

And yet, this person in my life? It's a mystery why the words "I love you" no longer exit his mouth.

Unbelievable, really. And exceptionally painful.

I'm so hurt I can barely even stand it sometimes.

But the thing that I can know? Is that I'm okay. And that I'm not a bad person.

I'm a flawed person, yes. But who isn't?

So, it's a dreary day here. Springy and dreary. Aunt Flo decided to visit (ugh) so that's always a blast. And I'm here in the quiet with my puppy dog that I adore and I just wish to GOD that this person would wake up before I'm gone gone gone.

Dwelling on the past gets us in trouble. Always. If you're constantly mulling over what happened then, you never EVER will be in the here and now and I can GUARANTEE that your future will be as dull and gray as this day...

As my friends say, "Wake UP, buttercup!"

There's no time like the present to get your sh*t together...

That's all I've got today. Back hurts and I need some giggling to happen PRONTO.

Ciao for now,
xoxo

Cute little crab on the beach on Jost Van Dyke! He was hilarious!