Dilemmas, conundrums and WTFs

Spring. A time for renewal and fresh starts. I thought...

It seems to me, lately anyway, that there are very few humans who are authentically themselves.

They are the people who just go about their business, no pretenses, very un-judgementally wending their way through life.

They are generally speaking, much happier than most other humans, they are unapologetic for their way of living and they really tend not to give a crap what you think of them.

I like that in a human.

Of course, I'm not talking about people who are mean to others and then unapologetic, you know what I'm talking about. People who are just content to do their thing and if you want to come along for the ride, even better!!

I'm having a major dilemma with someone I care about deeply. Or I thought I did. It seems this person is not the person I originally thought. When a person tells you they love you, I tend to believe it. Love is not a simple thing, but it can be given freely and without reservation even when times are tough. Or at least that's what I was always told.

Even when my parents were mad at me, I never doubted their love. Even when harsh words were said, no one questioned the underlying love we all have for each other. Even now, when I'm "all growed up (hah!)" my parents get mad at me for things, and I get mad at them, too! But I never, ever for ONE second, question their love and I know they do not question mine.

My relatives are among the best humans I've ever known. I trust them and love them and I'd do anything at all for them to ensure their happiness or health or safety.

I thought that's what this other person was about, but it's not feeling that way lately. It's feeling really quite the opposite. More like I'm an imposition. Like I'm a burden or something.

It's not like I'm not industrious! Good heavens. In the last year I've moved across the country with all of my beloved art and antiques and plants, started a new business (which is thriving, by the by), continued my writing, made loads of friends, created a giant perennial cutting garden in the back yard, planted loads of beautiful other perennials to make this property a dream place, I've fixed things, had my identity stolen (yuck), lost lots of money, plan to make it back, have gone on several trips, taken care of the house, dog, a husband who had surgery, and in the meantime have also taken care of myself mentally and physically.

Those are no small feats.

And yet, this person in my life? It's a mystery why the words "I love you" no longer exit his mouth.

Unbelievable, really. And exceptionally painful.

I'm so hurt I can barely even stand it sometimes.

But the thing that I can know? Is that I'm okay. And that I'm not a bad person.

I'm a flawed person, yes. But who isn't?

So, it's a dreary day here. Springy and dreary. Aunt Flo decided to visit (ugh) so that's always a blast. And I'm here in the quiet with my puppy dog that I adore and I just wish to GOD that this person would wake up before I'm gone gone gone.

Dwelling on the past gets us in trouble. Always. If you're constantly mulling over what happened then, you never EVER will be in the here and now and I can GUARANTEE that your future will be as dull and gray as this day...

As my friends say, "Wake UP, buttercup!"

There's no time like the present to get your sh*t together...

That's all I've got today. Back hurts and I need some giggling to happen PRONTO.

Ciao for now,
xoxo

Cute little crab on the beach on Jost Van Dyke! He was hilarious!

Funday Monday

I'm tired of complaining. I've got bigger fish to fry than to scold our government.

The headlines are disheartening though. Pipeline? Sure. Health care? Who cares about Americans.

See, there I go complaining again.

So, my friend of pun fame has been on a roll of late! I've gotten some doozies from him and I FINALLY have a moment to myself to post some fun stuff! I've also cooked up a storm today. I made a giant pasta and sausage marinara sauce with onion, portobello mushrooms and then a million cheeses from provolone to cheddar to mozzarella to parmesan. All layered up and cooked to perfection:

Then I made a quiche lorraine with some mild herbs - thyme, dill, paprika, celery seed, garlic - and that has a few cheeses in it as well. This has a mushroom, onion, potato flake crust! Decided to fancy it up with rounds of baby red peppers:

Went on a hike with Mr. Big and Tall yesterday - he's doing SO much better after a very tough week last week. (I think it was tougher on me because I wasn't in lala land with the pain meds.) Anywho, here are a few of my favorite pictures from yesterday. We were in a place called the Campbell Tract in the foothills of the Chugach Mountains:

This is a type of lichen called Old Man's Beard.
It's really pretty and feathery.

Beautiful sky in the afternoon.

These little guys are adorable.
Like a tiny forest at the base of many of the trees.

More lichens. Such a lovely array of color. 

Bract fungus on a birch.

After our hike we got a bite to eat and then got back home to watch the New England Patriots beat the Colts! Boy, Brady sure looks good this year!

Now, as promised, onto the funnies from our dear friend, Hank:

I  had amnesia once -- or twice.

    *****
Protons have mass?  I didn't even know they were Catholic.

    *****
I am neither for nor against apathy.

    *****
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

    *****

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

    *****
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

    *****
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he

grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

    ******
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

    *****
One nice thing about egotists ... They don't talk about other people.

    *****

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

    *****
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

    *****

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and

I'll show  you a man who can't get his pants off.

    *****

Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to the clinic and told them that he and the missus didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherrybomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put 
it in a beer can then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in 
a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas,Mississippi, and parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West 
Virginia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I LOVE this one:

An elephant was drinking at a riverbank one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambled over and kicked the turtle across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, you have quite a memory," commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "I have turtle recall."

Ok. That's all for today! Hope you're having a good Monday. Ciao for now.

About writing...

Some of my friends I know are concerned for my well-being due to living here in Alaska and experiencing my first winter here. The perception is that it's dark 24 hours a day, that no one goes out, that it's a frozen wasteland filled with transient people with guns, that everyone is an alcoholic and that there is nothing to do except build fires and hope the polar bears and moose don't getcha!

Well, the moose part is true.

And the transient people part is partially true.

And the gun part is also partially true.

However, the rest of the overwhelming perceptions of Alaska are just not true. There are people I know who have been born and raised here. And there are a lot of native Alaskans who are Inuit, Inupiat, Aleut, Wolf Clan...There are people from every culture imaginable and subsequently, the food is TO DIE FOR! Awesome Thai food, Mexican, Spanish, French, Chinese, Japanese, Indian, Mongolian...There are significant Hawaiian, Russian and Samoan populations and people from different countries in Africa - notably The Sudan and South Africa.

It's an interesting place for sure. And it's NOT DARK ALL THE TIME! We have gorgeous, bright sunlight right now from about 9am to 4:30pm. It will reduce a bit as we head toward the equinox in December. The sun, as my friend Carol Ann noticed in my pictures, is at a different angle up here at this time of year. It's not so high up in the sky, but it's intense and shines against the mountains and ocean in the loveliest way.

The coolest parts of living in Alaska are the mountains and volcanoes and their juxtaposition with the Pacific ocean for sure. They are spectacular and different every day. The critters here are fascinating, as well. Strange and amazing from the whales to the birds to the bears to the moose.

My husband had surgery on Thursday morning (he's doing much better today - yesterday was not so hot) and I came home to prep the house for his arrival and let the dogs out. Well, I noticed some movement in the front yard and jumped about a mile when I looked out our picture window to see a BIG BIG BIG momma moose just a few feet from the window!! She had apparently decided the pumpkins by my front door and the mountain ash and mountain laurel in the front yard were too tasty to pass up!

Pre-surgery at the hospital.

Munching on the small mountain ash in the front yard!

Moving over to the mountain laurel!

Now munching on the pumpkins by Kelly's truck!

Eating shoots in the neighbor's garden. Look how TALL she is!

View of the Chugach from the hospital cafeteria.
It was a lovely morning. I watched the moon set and then the sun rise.

Here's the moon setting - it was a big, full moon called the Beaver Moon or the Full Frost Moon.
It was low and orange like the Harvest moon we see in Massachusetts in October.

So, in the pictures you can clearly see the sun. It rises in the morning just over the Chugach Mountains and then makes its way Westward to set in the early evening. It's not a vast tundra here  - Anchorage has 350,000 people! We've got skyscrapers, roads, schools, churches, two giant Universities, a vibrant food, arts and music scene. Loads of creative, nice people, world-class athletes, adventurers and artists of all varieties. Many of my friends are poets, writers, musicians and service people - restauranteurs, servers, engineers, landscapers. 

There IS frozen tundra but that's in the interior of Alaska and up north. We are about as far south as you can get and still be in Alaska. We're located right there by the Yukon Territory and across the way, not so far, is Russia. There's currently a typhoon barreling its way toward the Bering Sea, and that's a 1000 miles to our North. We'll get some rain and wind, called a Chinook, but we won't see the 45 foot seas that are predicted in its wake.

My friends in Massachusetts are concerned that I sit in the house, with the wind-driven snow piling up outside my door. That I never leave the house and I just sit here with my books and notebooks and journals and sit in front of my computer all day. Well, that's not the case!

I'm out and about every day! I have two dogs, a husband, a 19-year old friend living here (who is very much like my adopted daughter). I do laundry almost every day. I cook loads of goodies, meet friends out for lunch. When Mr. Big and Tall isn't recovering from surgery, we often head out for a drink and appetizers in the evenings or do yard work together. We go for hikes and kayak paddles and go birdwatching and whale watching on the coast. We go out with friends to watch football games on the weekends, we have friends over for dinner at least 2 or 3 times a month. Loads of people do the "pop-in" - so there are lots of impromptu get-togethers with people. My neighbors are very neighborly and everyone exchanges food and conversation. EVERYONE gardens here and has at least one dog. My neighbor next door? She has seven sled dogs! 

Truth be told, I'm more active and go more places and do more things now than I ever did. My go-to in Massachusetts was my beloved boat. And when I got divorced I no longer had boaty to play with, so I resorted to lots of long walks to fill that void. 

So, I appreciate everyone's concern for my well-being. I'm actually really happy here! My trip to Massachusetts was a bittersweet one - bitter in that I miss my friends and Salem and all that is so familiar. It was sweet, as well, in that being there and seeing all those things that are a little too familiar like my ex's real estate signs everywhere and reminders of my life with him and my poor doggies that passed away - it's sweet to be away from those reminders. 

Coming back to Alaska with my husband, my new little doggies, my new friends, my new environment, my new lease on life - it  is completely sweet with no bitter at all. No regrets. Forge ahead. New frontier, new challenges, renewal of spirit.

Thanks for reading!

Here's a wonderful essay about the art of writing. I found it fascinating.

Hasta la vista.

Random Thoughts for a Wintery Wednesday

Happy girl in the garden with a giant liatris!

So, we had our first "official" snow here on Monday of this week! October 20th and it snowed here. Two to four inches in Anchorage!

You may think I'd be all "YUCK" about it, but truthfully? I've missed my fun-in-the-snow winter sports like Nordic skiing, snow shoeing and ice skating. And who doesn't love a walk in the woods after a powdery snow has fallen? You gotta some kind of weird not to appreciate that!

The prettiness of fall in the front of the house.

And also the change in the landscape when the deciduous trees become vacant of leaves and beautiful pine, cyprus, juniper and spruces provide us with rich greens and sages for the entire winter.

Even the critters change - different birds arrive, some animals hibernate and disappear, and other animals just eke out an existence for the cold part of the year.

So, I'm kinda digging the fact that I went from 80 degrees in Massachusetts to the current temperature of 27 degrees with icy snow on the ground!

Right now the dogs are snoring, the house is warm, the sun has just risen over the Chugach Mountains and I'm wearing my new, cozy slippers. The laundry is ticking in the dryer and I've just made a big pot of my family's recipe called Vegetable Goop! A lot of you have enjoyed the Goop over the years and can attest to its hearty and delicious mixture.

Ok. Those were somewhat coherent thoughts. I'll commence with the random here now.

This was my beautiful boaty named Altair.
I loved this boat like she was my daughter.

Cliches are actually true.

Don't judge a book by its cover: The best book I've read in a long time has the worst title ever - The Worst Hard Time . That's a bad title. However, the goddamn book was mesmerizing. I read it during my deepest depression and it was about the dustbowl in the American Southwest and how it help create the Great Depression. Huh. Pretty cool.

My friend N (a sistah fromanothah Mothah) suggest that one. And also Swamplandia, Devil in the White City and The Hunger Games series.

A sneaky one, that N. She saw very clearly that I was in dire need of a kick in the pants to get my self-esteem re-activated. She was really right. After my divorce I ceased being the dynamic, fun, silly and happy person that I had been all my life until a series of unfortunate bullshit kinda stole my mojo.

We were in Martha's Vineyard for Obama's visit a few
summers ago. We were docked next to a retired
Nantucket Light Ship! Super cool. Was a great trip, indeed.

Anyway, N was a mastermind of sneaky kindness and esteem-building exercises! You see, she had also been through a terrible set of tragedies herself and had overcome unbelievable obstacles to find her way to "okayness."

Sometimes just "okay" feels like a miracle.

My beautiful girl Lady. She was a complete jerk and I loved her to pieces.
As my husband would say, she was put together "by committee!" Nothing matched on that dog!
We believe that she was part German Shep, part Border Collie and part Pygmy Goat. What a combo platter.
May she be gallivanting in heaven with her precious Koty right now...
Sadie has no idea where she is, so that'd be fine.

Well, she had me read books, she let me grieve and cry and carry on like a banshee. She encouraged me to quit a job I hated and to come and live with her FOR FREE! She wouldn't let me pay rent. We cooked together, hung out in pajamas and drank gallons of coffee and ate really good chocolate.

I started caring about food again. I got my cooking mojo back first.

Peanut butter cookies we made
every Christmas!

A new recipe in my new, gorgeous kitchen!

And then N asked me to help with her butterfly garden and to advise her on shade plants and design.

So then I got my gardening mojo back!

My gorgeous garden in Massachusetts. The idiots that bought
my house? Ripped out the big butterfly bush. Ugh.

Happy violas, pussy willow and tulips for spring.

One of my many lilacs! They've gotten HUGE!

Grape hyacinth, obedient plant and tulips.

More pretties including variegated ivy and tete-a-tete narcissus.

Ahhh, spring in New England!

My Sadie wandering the spring garden.
The bleeding heart bush was among
my favorite in the back yard.

Wildflowers in my back yard with my mosaic Crane birdbath
 by Judith Wright. I still have that here in Alaska!

My two gorgeous girls, A and Sadie! A is now a kick-ass pilot in the Air Force!

One of my arrangements for our friends' Thanksgiving table.

And then winter came again and our pipes burst from the freezing effing polar vortex. N was in a panic and I knew just what to do. I unplugged her floor heater, got her daughter's priceless artwork off the floor where it was flooding and I called the fire department right away.

So I got my logical mojo back. No panic, just act.

And as if that all weren't so fabulous (I know?!), we had to vacate the premises because the mold and mildew set in within 72 hours. So, within 6 days of the flood at the house, we had to leave! Where to go? Why not go live in Georgia and South Carolina for the winter with my wonderful Aunt and Uncle?

Yes! I will do that!

So, slowly and surely, living in the warm climate, staying at my Aunt and Uncle's home on a lake in South Carolina with sweet Sandy kitty? I returned to myself. Utterly and completely myself again. Happy, go-lucky, fun, silly, dance during dinner prep, make flower arrangements, have a glass of wine, filled with hope...

Icelandic poppies. I grew them each spring as an annual in MA.
In Alaska? These are called Himalayan poppies and they
are a wildflower (considered a weed!!).

A gorgeous sea turtle we swam with near Norman Island in the British Virgin Island.
This was taken with a cute little camera we borrowed from my husband's Dad!

On the way to Mississippi with the doggies Lily and Rudy.

Cooper!! Sweet peach!

Sweet Sandy reposing on the glass coffee table!
Kitty FEETS!

Old Faithful, still faithful after all these years!

A bridal bouquet for our friends' wedding. My husband
was the officiant and I did the fleurs! FUN

My Phoobles on my second day in Alaska!
She likes me, I think...

It was divine. And it is divine! I feel so very lucky for my life. And just being alive feels so good again.

Giving thanks for every moment I have now. Life is truly a gift. Another cliche that's just plain true.

This particular Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be different for me. I no longer feel like I don't belong. I finally feel just right.

The symbols at our gorgeous resort Barcelo de Bobadilla in Loja, Spain.
They had little zen gardens like this all over the place.
Sun, moon and star in the sand. All the elements but time.
Time disappears at this place. So beautiful.

One of the many wreaths I did for clients in MA. 

The wreath for my back door in Salem.

Wreath for my front door. (Which is now metal. Ugh)

The entry to my house. PRETTY!

My grand old house. The William Lane house, built in 1800.
I miss that house.
My current house is no slouch, however. It was the only home to survive in Lyn Ary Park,
after a 9.0 magnitude earthquake hit here in Anchorage 50 years ago.
It fell off its foundation and lost the windows, but my old log cabin home,
built in 1940 is a survivor. Just like the rest of us!  : )

Thanks for reading.

Ciao for today.