Long time, no post!

Christmas pretty.

So much has happened since my last posting. It's been 5 months and that's like 50 years in Alaska time.

Let's see. Where to begin?

Two different lawsuits regarding two very different matters. Both are resolved, thankfully.

My old housemate fell off the proverbial wagon. He not only fell off, he jumped off with a resounding CRASH and BURN and the drama of that whole situation at the end of July/beginning of August just about did me in emotionally.

He moved out (THANK GOD ALMIGHTY) and left me to pay the rent on my own for August and September.

Then I had to move out. Another move. Three moves in a little more than two years.

UGH.

Talk about emotional and physical drain. I'm STILL recuperating from all the changes I've endured.

Between the high cost of living here, paying movers, trying to work as much as possible and find a meaningful full-time gig, two lawsuits and just trying to be a person, I'm DRAINED.

Financially and in every other way.

Now, it's the holidays, of course. We're all supposed to be cozy and comfy and surrounded by family and the perfect tree and 2.5 children and ho, ho, ho.

I'm trying. I really am. I am making special Christmas cards that make me giggle, but I find that certainly the lack of sun and the location of my new housing situation (I live with a most wonderful family that has been utterly beyond generous and kind to me during this very odd time in my life) - I'm getting the winter doldrums more than I have in years.

I turn on that S.A.D. light and listen to happy music and focus on all of the things I'm grateful for, but - you know? Sometimes? It just gets to me.

When I think of "home," I think of my house on Derby Street. And my puppy dogs that I miss all the time. I miss boaty and that feeling of security that I felt there for so long.

This was the view from my driveway.

My beloved stove.

Lady and Koty and the ex on our beloved boaty.

Fun at Halloween.

My Sadie girl.

I miss my little Phoebe.

When I think back on the holidays I also remember my Aunt Bob and Uncle Sis and how we'd all look forward to seeing Bobby when he could make it back from Colorado. We'd all be together at their house and have that jello with the cream cheese in it (blech) and we'd eat and the adults would drink Asti Spumante and my Mom ALWAYS gave Grandpa Vern a bottle of Akadama plum wine. We'd play "Dit-dot-doe" - which is what my Mom called the game "Sorry" - or "One Card."

I'm not sure if life was simpler 35 years ago or if I've just gotten wiser to how hard life can be. It's really tough being alone at 50+. In a million years I'd never have envisioned being single and having to make a go of it all by myself.

~~~~~~

The last two years have been such times of uncertainty for me. And I know I'm not alone in that. The economy and job scene are not easy for a lot of us.

And I CERTAINLY know I've got it so much better than hundreds of thousands of people in the United States, and WAAAAY better than millions that live elsewhere.

There's that guilt that comes sometimes when I'm worried about my damn bills and how I'm gonna make ends meet THIS month - and then I look around me at this warm house, a fridge overflowing with food, my car that is now operable thanks to the kindness of family and friends who've helped me, a closet full of clothes, and on and on the list goes.

So many of us get caught up in the worrying that we forget to live today. We don't have the 1st of January yet. My bills will be due, but I'll find a way to pay them. I'm trying to remain positive and keep hope that something really good is around the corner.

I hope this post doesn't sound too Debbie Downer for all of you who are enjoying the holiday season. I generally ADORE the holidays and the sparkle lights and the songs and the camaraderie that abound this time of the year. I'm just having a time of it over here ... missing all that is familiar. My family, my friends and my old life. I was so very settled in Salem up until my dogs decided to die and then my divorce and having to sell my beloved home.

I'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I guess my point today is that sometimes the holidays are exceptionally hard for some people for a million different reasons.

Change is in the air. I'm just hoping that 2017 will bring positive change for all.

Blogging In a Fog!

This is Karen and me. We were probably four or five years old here.
This was one of the puppies our neighbor dog, Spooky, brought to my house to show us.
Spooky was an incredible dog.
My goodness we were cute! Still are, if you ask me.

Lady and Koty were in love at first sight. Inseparable.

 Hi. It's not foggy out at all. My brain is foggy because I've done nothing but copy edit for the last five days. Read read read read and then edit edit edit edit. Oy.

I've also been house-, dog- and cat-sitting for a week and a half so I've not even been home which adds another layer of "Huh?!" to my world. I wake up in a different bed (which sounds racy, but I assure you it's not) and I've got to reconstruct where the hell I am TODAY when my eyes finally focus!

Right now I'm with fabulous Mr. Blazer! He's the sweetest nicest boy - with the white face and soulful eyes. He really looks like a beagle on steroids with smaller ears than normal. He probably weighs close to 100 pounds and is just starved for attention. Lucky for him the neighbor is my pal Kathy who takes him out for walks and stays with him when his momma is out of town for her job.

Kathy is just one of those people you meet along the way who will absolutely break her neck to do something nice for others - especially if they are four-legged and furry! She's got a heart the size of the Grand Canyon and is just a hoot and a half. She's almost my Momma's age but you'd never know it given her schedule! She's always - and I do mean ALWAYS on the go. Cleans for people at their houses and businesses, walks a bevy of dogs each day (including Mr. B) and house- and pet-sits for countless people.

I can barely keep up with her!

In any case, I've just finished copy editing my first full-length book. I can't disclose the author or subject matter just yet, but it's a reference book that will be in the Library of Congress and I'm just about bursting that my name will be at all related to it. My name. In the Library of Congress. That's some shit, man.

The feeling of pride I have keeping true to my heart; knowing that if I worked really hard and stuck to what I KNOW I am able to do - I KNEW it would all work out for me somehow.

I've got a lot of faith in the universe, karma, God - however you want to call it. I know I'm a good person and that I've got so much to offer. I'm not afraid of the hard choices or to speak up for myself these days!

And the reason for that? Well, there are many - but the REAL reason is that I have the world's best friends and family. I really do. I love all of you so much it kind of hurts sometimes.

I miss you all terribly and look forward to the snippets when I get to be with all of you.

I know a lot of my family and some friends were and still might be concerned for me. I appreciate it so much. Knowing you all care is all I need! I know you all think I might slip back into that dark place I was a few years ago.

Nope. Ain't gonna happen. I like myself for the first time in my life. I appreciate the skills I've garnered and professional relationships I've forged. I appreciate the legislation I helped make to protect the whales and fish and birds off the coast of Massachusetts and beyond.

Hell, I look at my resume and I wonder who the HELL is that person? She's pretty accomplished! Wow. I'd like to meet that person!

After all that I've been through in the last three years I deserve a bit of a break, don't you think? Between my second and third husbands most women would have melted into a puddle. Boy, that asshole third husband... What a creep, right? The ONLY thing I miss about him is the dog. Poor Beebles.

So, today is a day of reflection for me. Today is husband #2's 42nd birthday. I wish him happiness.

It's also the three year anniversary of me selling and moving out of my house on Derby Street. Crazy shit.

It's also when I started my unexpected journey into therapy and getting brutally honest with myself and everyone else. I know a lot of you didn't like the "new" me; the undepressed me. Well, I ain't sorry for the shift I've gone through. I'm strong as an ox and super proud that I won't be told how to be in the world.

I got very tired of the "is that what you're wearing?" Or, "if you'd wear your hair up, you'd look much prettier." Or, "what did you do today? Did you exercise?" That was my favorite.

Did I exercise?

Let's see. I walked our two dogs for 30 minutes, twice. Did the woodwork on the boat, polished the boat, cleaned the house, tended and watered our gardens, went to a client's and gardened, made dinner and did some laundry. Oh, and I made you lunch and walked it down.

Yeah. I had a TON of time to get on the elliptical and "exercise."

Ugh.

He made me feel so horrible about myself. He actually once told me that making fun of me and watching me eat and monitoring everything I did was "fun" for him.

It was that moment that I knew I needed to get the hell away from him.

Can you imagine telling someone that making someone else feel inferior was "fun?"

I sure hope he remembers he did that stuff to me. I also sure hope his new wife doesn't put up with that kind of crap.

As for Mr. Sunshine, I'm afraid he's just doomed to be unhappy. He has no intention of ever getting help or getting honest about his utter lack of empathy and the black hole in his chest where his heart should be.

I also sure as hell hope this man NEVER lies to lure another woman into his vacant world. Karma. It's real. You'll find out.
__________________________________________________________

This day is also one of reflection for me as I wrap up the book job and the dog-sitting job here...

My pal of pals is going through a terrible thing today. RIP Talu. I'm so so so sorry. I wish I could take the pain of this away, but there is no way.

This is Sadie. One of the sweetest beings ever to be born.

Lady, Koty and Sadie are still always on my mind all these years later. As are Neshi, and all of my Mom's and Dad's dogs; all of the doggies and kitties and birds at my Aunt and Uncle's house; Aunt Sis's dogs, Grandma and Grandpa's dogs...All of my friends and their wonderful pets.

It's God's cruellest trick - to give us these critters that love us no matter - and then they go away far too soon.

It's the worst pain I've endured, for sure. And, yes. We all know it gets easier over time, but once in a while there's a really really special critter that comes into your life. When they go - like when my Lady and Koty died - a bit of my heart just will never be the same.

Even my Aunt's dog, Serena - I cried almost as hard over her as I did when my own dogs died. Her dog, Lily is super special, too. Just something about her...

My Mom's dog, Jack - he's a particularly sensitive little munchkin. He's blind and diabetic, bless his little soul.

Another one that springs to mind is my friend Erika's dog Bear. I call him my Bear-ito because I could just eat him up he's so sweet to me.

Another special one is Callie - a blonde border Collie. She's SUCH a special dog and has the best moms in the world.

And of course, Talu. She is just such a great great dog. Regal and amazing and smart. I'm so very sad you have to go through this, Karen. Sending you love. I will always be on Team Tallulah.

________________________________________________________

So, anyway. I'm having one of those emotional days - which is totally fine.

I wish I had all the money in the world so I could fly everywhere and comfort my friends and family who need me for good or sad occasions.

I'd also use that money to create a giant sanctuary for any critter who needs TLC. I'd make it into a retreat center for people who also need TLC. Nothing makes a person feel better than helping feed an orphaned baby otter or sloth or elephant that needs 24 hour care!

I've got nothing more to report other than I'm going to take a drive today to sit by the ocean and look for marine critters and birds. I need a nature day to refresh my weary body and mind.

Thanks for reading.

Ciao for now and GO PET YOUR CRITTERS!!

The Difference Between Being Alone and Being Lonely

The view from our room in Tortola at Long Bay Beach Resort.

Triana River in Seville.

Quisset Harbor in Buzzard's Bay, Massachusetts.

Martha's Vineyard, Vineyard Haven.

Lady and Koty in a stream at Mount Washington.

Sadie and Koty on Boaty.
I miss my dogs.

You know, you never really can tell what it's like to be in someone else's shoes, so to speak. Our experience of life is singularly our own.

We all, for reals, are just alone in the world. We can have friends and family and all that good stuff, but we're products of our genetics and experiences and no one else has it exactly the same as you.

Kind of weird to think about that.

The first time I really thought about it was my introduction to Sociobiology; The New Synthesis by Edward O. Wilson. One of the most revolutionary books I've ever read on evolutionary psychology.

Thinking about free will, and how much a person actually has, was and is odd to ponder.

But in a way, it's also kind of freeing when you can let go of expecting another person to behave just as you would in every situation.

That, however, does not give people a pass for plain old bad behavior.

There is someone I love a lot who is not able to return it. He tries all the time. He tries hard. He "tries" to be nice and "tries" to love me like I love him.

But something gets lost in the "trying" because it's just not genuine.

If you are constantly seeking and trying, you're missing out on the being of it in the present.

I knew a person who went in search of herself. She traveled and did this and that and the other and meditation and yoga and spiritual quests.

When she returned from all the seeking, all that was left? Was her. There was nothing else.

She kept looking for answers when all along the answers were right in front of her face. She was too busy looking in all other directions and she forgot to just experience life as it came.

It's an interesting thing how so many people are always busy and have so many appointments and outings and going here and there all the time. The phones, the ipads, the televisions, the computers. This constant need to fill up every waking moment with stuff.

To me? That is sheer and utter hell.

I cannot STAND a constant barrage of things to do and places to go and the constant chatter of people and phones and television...

I like being alone. I like silence. I REALLY like quiet and just the sounds of the house around me or the sounds of the birds twittering and the wind chimes lightly dinging in the trees out back.

One of my most favorite sounds is the lapping of water up against the hull of a boat while I'm sitting in the sun watching birds or whales. Or the sounds of water against the hull while I'm in a bunk drifting off to sleep after a long day of working on the boat or in the garden.

I don't need music going or the television in the background. Right now, in fact, I'm listening to the fan, the buzz of the refrigerator and the sound of my little dog breathing deeply as she sleeps on the couch.

My phone is off. And I'm just typing. My back is tight from gardening all the time this past week and also from being tense after a not-so-nice interaction yesterday with that person I love.

So, being alone is fine with me. But I can be lonely when I'm alone and even MORE so when I'm with a person who doesn't even care if I'm there or not.

My ex-husband made me feel desperately lonely. When he got home from work, he was either on the phone, on his ipad or watching television. Sometimes it was all three at the same time.

Well, I managed to find another person who is pretty checked out. He has no interest in my day or what I want or hope or dream about. I tell him things out of sheer boredom, but he doesn't even remember what I said. He'll ask me the same questions 20 times and never ever remember what my answer was.

He lost his job and then, without ever asking, decided he's seeking a new job in a different state. He didn't even ask me if I WANTED to live in that state or take into account the fact that I spent over $30,000 to move my stuff here and get my new business established through networking, licensing and marketing during the last 10 months. It's been a huge financial strain on my personal savings to get all of this done.

He didn't even offer to help me move here. He didn't even "try" to help.

So, when I tell people about this person and how poorly I'm being treated, there's a lot more to the story. Like how I took care of him during the darkest days of winter in Alaska - three months - while he recuperated from a triple surgery.

I didn't get to go anywhere or do anything because he was in constant need of help. He couldn't even drive or tie his shoes, for heaven's sake.

Nobody was around to help me take care of him, the house, the dogs, our tenant, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and then also trying desperately not to get depressed during days of little or no sunlight.

There was no laughter anymore. There was no one being nice to me. In fact, I got yelled at when my help was unwelcome at times.

And this was all coinciding with my identity being stolen and more of my money just disappearing into the mist.

So, when I tell you I'm okay and I'm going to be fine, I am. I've endured way more than all of this.

However, do NOT start my day each day with news of death, destruction and your mistaken idea that you've "ruined my life."

No one is responsible for my happiness. Nor am I responsible for yours.

My sunny outlook is just that. It's mine. You do not get to steal my sun or suck my oxygen.

I already had someone in my life that tried to put me down and make me feel bad about myself.

There is not a person in the world who is capable of doing that to me now. I worked too long and too hard to claw my way out of that terrible hole and there's no way I'm getting back in there.

I do appreciate advice from the people who know and love me. I know you're concerned that I'm not okay.

But the truth is I'm okay.

I might not be thrilled with the circumstances or some of my choices, but given what I knew at the time, I'd likely make those same choices again.

Hindsight is 20/20, but the truth is only in the present.

My Beebles. I adore this little pumpkin.

My poor Dallas. I loved that pooch.

A Study in Mixed Emotions

Had a faboosh day yesterday. Gardened at my house and then spent a bunch of time with my excellent friend K and her guy at their house planning their garden. I also cooked them a special dinner as their son was headed out for a three day trip - his first ever trip away from home without the parents! Big goings on for both parents and the son!

The dinner was a cioppino of gorgeous squid, mussels and smoked oysters. I cooked it with chicken broth, red wine, balsamic vinegar, beer, onion, garlic and loads of good Italian seasonings - parsley, dill, thyme, some red chili for bite, some mustard, paprika and celery seed. It came out beautifully.

Then I made some flavored couscous and a spring cabbage, cuke and onion salad in a balsamic/mustard sauce.

Nom nom NOM!

None of these fine people really LIKE to cook and they had all this gorgeous seafood in the freezer, so I just did my thing! I like to make others happy. It makes ME happy.

Which brings me to the topic at hand.

After my day of gardening and being outside and getting a play date for my doggie with NORBERT the mouser (who, incidentally did not catch the gray mousie in my kitchen which is now in a Havaheart trap on the way across town!), I decided to meet up with a couple friends at the local watering hole that I love.

So, in comes this OTHER person who shall remain nameless other than calling him Mr. Cretin. So Mr. C comes in all puffed up like he usually does (mind you, NO one likes this guy. Can't name one person who would call him a friend).

Well, of course, he sits himself right down next to me. Ugh.

See, I know of a certain something that Mr. C did to my friend K (up there ^). I know of his lies and his attempts to cheat his ex-wife out of something and the lies that he asked my friend to tell on his behalf.

I also know of a couple shady business practices this person has going on.

He is a misogynistic bigot and, frankly? I don't want a thing to do with him. I've had go-rounds with this CRETIN on more than a few occasions. He does NOT like me because I'm way smarter than he is and his daughter looks up to me.

Well he started in on his name-calling and swearing at me and insinuating that because my politics do not align with his that I am dumb.

I informed this person that, in fact, I'm not a Democrat or a Liberal or a Republican or a Conservative. I'm an independent thinker and am very independent in the voting booth. His assumptions are incorrect. Period.

Then, I politely asked him to please stop talking about subjects that we obviously would not agree upon. I just wanted to visit with my friends and have a nice evening.

Well, this CRETIN would not stop. He would NOT stop. I even moved away from him physically - and what'd he do? He kept yelling at me across the bar.

Very suave.

Shocking that you're single, there, Bub.

Shocking.

See, I was there with FRIENDS. That like me and call me and come to my house and we really like each other.

You, Cretin-face, on the other hand, inserted yourself where you were not welcome.

So, what happened, pray tell?

Security was called (not by me) and one of the big, burly guys who is my friend, came and sat next to me and basically dared this CRETIN to continue his tirade of crap.

He was cut off (he'd been drinking beer and was getting a little, let's say, wobbly).

He embarrassed himself further by stating "You know, this country went to hell in a handbasket the minute we gave those broads and immigrants the right to vote."

Very debonaire.

Impressively ignorant.

Again, SHOCKING that your wife divorced you. Hmm. A real mystery there.

So, my thing is this. Today was the first day a woman piloted one of the Thunderbirds.

Yet, we still have to have this sh*t thrown at us. Like it's some MYSTERY that a woman can fly a godd*mn plane.

WHAT THE H*LL?

This makes me angry and sad all at the same time.

Why is this some big deal? Of COURSE women can do anything that men can do.

Of course.

Duh.

I've been saying lately that just because you have a penis, it does not give you some sort of special privilege in this world. But I guess I'm one of the few that truly believes it.

Since I was a kid people always kind of pigeonholed me as a "tomboy." I didn't want dolls or to play house, I wanted Matchbox cars and magnets and even a cap gun. I liked fishing and climbing trees and playing sports. I loved school and learning and words and my microscope and telescope.

Animals were always my thing - from pet spiders in the garage to the beautiful fish I'd catch and pet. Tadpoles, mud puppies, ducks, muskrats, beavers, birds, ocean critters, swimming, pretending I was a mermaid.

Never was or will be a girly-girl, I was and continue to just be a person with big dreams about sailing the Seven Seas and being out in the wilderness.

So far I've sailed the Eastern and Western North Atlantic, The Caribbean, The North Pacific, The Mediterranean and The Aegean Sea.

And the list continues to grow as I learn more and live more!

What I'd like people who read this to think about today is how we raise our children to be in this world. Don't automatically assume that your child wants to wear a dress because she's a female. Likewise, don't assume that if your male child is attracted to pink and likes sparkles that he's wrong for liking those things.

I didn't want to wear dresses or skirts. I wanted to dress in a practical way so that I could run and jump and play and do the monkey bars and dig in the dirt.

Kids are just people. We're all just people. All colors, races, ethnicities, cultures, ideas, dreams, souls.

If we could all just wake up and literally smell the roses, do our jobs, open a window, listen to the birds, enjoy a view over a lake or mountain or even just a nice sky...

It's not that hard to find the tiniest little pleasure in a smile from a baby or even a nice "hello" when you see someone.

Yesterday there was a woman at that same watering hole where I encountered cretin-man. Well, she was in a KILLER dress and had a rockin' body and was just gorgeous. One of those all-natural beauty types. She was probably around my age and she was stunning.

So, I quietly went to her table and apologized for interrupting. I told her that we all were admiring her beautifulness and that the dress was amazing on her.

I cannot TELL you how happy that made her! She thanked me about 20 times before she left with her friends. Told me I made her whole week with that one little compliment.

It is NOT hard to make others happy. It just takes the tiniest effort.

So. Whatcha waitin' for?

Ciao for now!

xoxo

Fallacies, Flaws and the Myth of Perfection

Arrrrggghhhh! My beloved six-burner Viking stove!! ACK!
God I loved that thing. I used to hug it! 

Eggplant I grew in my driveway!

My spectacular Montauk daisies. The were very hearty and last to bloom in the autumn. 

Gorgeous fall color on the hydrangea in my driveway.

Jost Van Dyke's White Bay. Heaven on Earth.

With my friend's newborn just before the trip to White Bay.

Quisset Harbor. Another heaven-on-Earth type location.

Quince blossoms. 

Ranunculus.

Tulip from my garden.

Frittilaria from my Salem garden. I have a giant chocolate variety here that is spectacular.

I've been very nostalgic again recently. Upon meeting new friends including my most excellent friends Amy, Amanda, Kari, Mike, Danielle & her beau, Orion, Sean, Jason, Cap, Camilla, Buster, Brian, Marilyn, Kathy, Margaret, Rob, Suzie and Tracye among several other great humans I've met in the last year, I find that I get reflect-y about my past and my old old old most wonderful friends that I've had for 20, 30 and even more than 40 years!

God, I'm old.

Yeesh.

Annnyyway, it's such an interesting thing to sit and think about all the times you've had with people over the course of twenty years. My friend Penny, for instance - we met when I was in a huuuuge transition period of my life. I had just gotten through my first divorce (never would I have dreamed there might be another), I was moving away from Littleton, MA (thank GOODNESS) back to the coast where I belong. In the meantime, though, I had a job for 4 more LONG months in Worcester, MA. So, that's no drop in the bucket commute.

But I did it. During the height of winter, I commuted back and forth from Salem to Worcester. UGH. One dreary snowstorm on a Friday night had me in my car for three hours to get home. I was not pleased.

Often I'd be the only one in the house when I lived with Penny. We had a rotating third roommate each year. It was uncanny. No one could live with Penny and me! We got along famously. She was a rabid recycler and a Yankee through and through. Frugal, generous and practical. And an incredible athlete skier and cyclist. The heat was low in the winter and electric bills were low year round. I adored Penny right away and have never stopped.

She and I have seen each other through so many changes. Dogs passing away, moves out of Salem, moves within Salem! Deaths of people we knew and loved, life changes that we didn't want, life changes we DID want...

All through it, I never stop knowing that if I needed her, she'd do everything in her power to help. Same goes for her. She knows I've got her back whenever she needs it.

There are just some people like that. Hank, Marylou, Jannie, Nina, Elyse, the Lisas!, Bob, Scott, Kristen, Liz, Karen, Erika, Jenna, Jim, Rocky and his whole family, Jackie and Dave, Janet, Melissa, Steve and George, Bob and his whole family, Addie, Pam, Carol Ann, Maryanne, Maryellen, Debbie, Lynn and her family, Kevin and Jill, Joe, and of course, my beloved parents and their respective spouses, my Auntie and Uncle, their kids and fiances, my people in California, Washington, Maryland, Michigan, and the list goes on and on...

I feel so very very fortunate to have not only made these wonderful friends and to have kept them near and dear even though I'm 5000 miles away from everything. Alaska is out there! WAAY out there.

No regrets moving here though. I cry sometimes because I miss everyone and I don't have the money to keep flying everywhere. I have gone through all of the money I'd saved from the sale of my house. It cost me a LOT of money to move here and then to get my new business all set up and getting the garden in tip top condition as my best marketing tool.

I've networked, joined organizations, taken potential clients out for dinners and drinks, donated to charities with money and time and flowers and other tangible goods. I've bought things for the house, I've sold things! You name it, I've been trying everything to get myself established here in Alaska.

And then the sh*t hit the fan. My identity got stolen, rings went missing, a video camera went missing, money started disappearing from my wallet, from my bank accounts, from my credit cards, phone bills started doubling, fake accounts were set up...And this person was living with us under the guise of being a frightened teenager who was a victim of domestic violence.

This caused immense strife for me and my husband. And he had just had surgery, to boot, so we were both exhausted and not on our game. I'd have figured this out very quickly had I not been completely spent from taking care of my poor hurting husband, the house, laundry, two dogs, cooking, cleaning, bills, etc all during the dead of winter when it's dark and sad and dreary.

I'm surprised I could keep it together at all!

In any case, I started hearing from this person's Mother. It was startling what she told me. I will not go into it here. Not worth repeating.

Since that time, I've had to rebuild my credit, my name, my everything - but most notably, my marriage.

These terrible things that happened were because of about 20 factors that all collided during the darkest part of winter in Alaska. It's not a joke having only about 3 hours of daylight. It rips at your psyche and causes a lot of very bad behavior and very strange events.

Luckily I was aware of the weirdness and used my Seasonal Affective Disorder "happy light" during that time. I took a lot of baths, listened to happy music, watched comedies, watched stand-up comics that make me delight, read a lot of good books...Luckily I was given and have learned the tools to make certain I don't fall into that dark hole that took me down so badly a couple years ago.

Luckily I am extremely aware of my boundaries and my flaws.

There is a fallacy about perfection that most people strive to obtain...

Guess what? No such thing. The only thing even close to perfection is unconditional love and the only beings that seem to be capable of that are our furry or feathered family members. Birds, dogs and cats. Other critters also may learn unconditional love, but pretty much I think humans missed that boat a loooong time ago.

Anyone who tells you they love you unconditionally? Is likely just trying to fool you and themselves.

I have now been married three times and have had a lot of boyfriends in between. I cannot name one time I felt unconditional love toward any of them. It seems to be that the hormones and "higher" thought processes (or in some humans' case the lack of any thought processes!) just clouds what we normally desire to do. Most of us desire health, happiness and comfort.

When someone or something threatens those three things, that's when the trouble begins.

There are few critters on the Earth that truly mate for life. Some birds do, French Angelfish do, some termites do, Schistoma worms do (hilarious!).

The list of mammals? Short:

1 - Gibbons.
2 - Prairie Voles.
3 - Wolves.

Humans try but most fail. I know I've failed miserably at marriage! Terribly miserably! I'm the worst!

There is a bit of blame in the fact that I'm an only child. We learn, very quickly, that we are the center of the Universe!

And then we work for the rest of our lives to undo that attitude.  I know I'm terrible at it!

My poor husbands have had to endure the brunt of my selfishness, my ability to blame others for my problems, my verbal assaults when feeling cornered or disrespected, my need for alone time and conversely my need for social time.

I'm a study in contradiction. I'm fully aware of it. I'm a recovering perfectionist. HELP!  (I'm giggling!)

I have an unnatural affinity for animals - kind of all of them. Even spiders and snakes.

And, generally speaking, I'd much rather be in the garden with my plants and flowers or with the little natures outside than most humans. Most adult humans are just bothersome. That's why I enjoy kids so much - they have no agenda really except the desire to play, explore, learn, and share what they've learned.

Kids are great, but most adults ruin them. They wanna categorize their kids or put them in a box so that they're just like all the other kids.

BLECH.

Boring. Horrid. How terrible to do that to a child?!

Luckily my parents recognized my weirdness immediately. I wanted to be an architect, a concert pianist, a detective like Nancy Drew, the next Dorothy Hamill, the next LPGA tour winner, a champion swimmer, an academic, a dancer, the next Jane Gooddall, the next Diane Fossey or the next Jacques Cousteau. Or Doris Day. Or Shirley Temple. Or a rock god (I rocked out on my bass guitar in my Heart cover band!).

And then I decided to focus. I went the science route. Became an expert on Marine Mammals and seabirds. Then focused on shorebirds and plants. Then became an educator on all of those subjects. Then just wanted to garden and play on my boat and take care of my dogs that were old.

Then that all went away. The garden, the house, the husband, the dogs, everything just went away.

I was left with money. And I didn't care about that at all. I cared about all those other things that just slipped away. Then more deaths happened and more was lost.

And I still had all that money. But I didn't want the money, I wanted those people and my dogs and my beloved garden.

I was utterly and completely lost in a fog. There was no wind to get the fog away, just more fog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now I find myself feeling light again. Unburdened. 

I now have no money to speak of, but I do have a piano, a little dog that adores me, a beautiful home and a garden that I'd die for! I've got friends, a thriving business,  a husband who is a wonderful person - a flawed person who recognizes his flaws and can apologize for them. 

I guess that's all we can hope for, right? 

Just a person who recognizes their own junk and is willing to work 

with you on muddling through the thing.

Boaty and doggies. I miss the guy there, too.

My sweet Sadie. Sweetest, gentlest animal I've ever known.

Ciao for now. Thanks for reading.

Go do the thing! 

xoxo

Dyslexia, ADHD and Education

Education is an interesting subject. So many people have their ideas about standards and how to do it and when to introduce a certain subject to a child and on and on and blah blah blah.

Kids know intuitively when they're ready to move on or not. They know what they like and what they don't like. They know they have certain skill sets and that those subjects or sports or musical instruments or art or cooking or whatever it is...they know what makes them tick and what turns their brains on. Or off.

I was labeled a lot as a kid. I was a genius with a school problem. My IQ was off the chart, yet I cannot take a standard test to save my fucking life.

I was actually put in a remedial class (even though my IQ was genius level) because the standardized test (created by idiots) told these noodleheads that I didn't know how to do math or read.

Well. Hmm. If your IQ is well over 150, chances are you probably ain't dumb. If you are learning algebra and can write in cursive before you even go to kindergarten, there's probably something else going on.

Could it be the "system" and "institutionalized schooling" that is the issue? I was fortunate enough that my parents recognized that the system was failing me. That I was BORED out of my GOURD in those remedial classes.

So, they fought for me and got me into the advanced placement classes. There, of course, I flourished.

See, I have a form of a learning disability. I wasn't told that EVER, but I have had it since birth. If I wanted my Mom to pick me up? I said "Down, Mommy!" If I wanted her to put me down, I'd say "Up, Mommy!"

I still cannot, without really having to think of it, tell you "right" from "left." My brain simply does NOT work in those terms.

I am ambidextrous, I am a scientist and an artist, I have days of pure scientific thought and reading scientific papers on Theoretical Physics and then I have days where I make 5 flower arrangements and I feng shui the house or I cook a four course meal replete with wine pairings.

My brain is different. I've always known it. And then I was also born with good genetics, so I'm considered to be "pretty." I've got the nice small aqualine nose, big blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. For that reason, I was afforded a lot of extras along the way. I didn't have to fight too hard to get noticed, so it's kind of a shitty thing, but it's a true thing that pretty people generally get along more easily in life. I'm not questioned when I'm on a private beach. Or in a private club. Or in an exclusive party. I walk in like I own the place and people just assume I do. It's ridiculous, but it has gotten me some good contacts and I've tried my entire life to do good with the tools I've been afforded, even the looks part of it.

This is sounding very much like I'm full of myself and, I assure you, I am not. I have learned to be confident, and that's different. I certainly don't go around thinking I'm all that! In general, I feel dumpy and old, but I've been told otherwise, so I start believing that my crappy body image has been wrong all along. I was anorexic, and had terrible body dysmorphic disorder for a good 30 years of my life, so it's been a long road to get back to not hating my body.

So, the "institutional learning" didn't work for me. Experiential learning is what made me flourish. Learn by doing or learn by teaching. When I read, I get to the meat of an article. I don't need to really read something fully to understand it.

The details are not important, so those standardized tests that ask me:

"If a train is going 80 miles per hour and passes a junction at 5pm when will it get to its destination in Akron, Ohio when the sun is shining and there are 50 people on the train and one of them has tuberculosis and coughs near 5 other people?"

I don't know and I don't give a flying fuck. Who CARES? 

So, I'd just fill in a circle and move on to a question that I hoped made more sense to me!

"If all Bees are Boos and no Boos are Flips will Bees and Flips ever be together?"

Again, WHO CARES?

So, again, I'd fill in a circle, make a best guess, and then I'd move on to the next question.

Standardized tests are standards created by who knows? 

Who are these people who tell me how I should think?

Are these people "average" in their intelligence? Well, if that's the case, I don't EVER want to pass a standardized test! What an insult to my weird little brain!!

So, that's my problem. My achilles heel has been that my brain doesn't seem to work like other people's brains. I'm bossy, I'm opinionated, I think I know things that sometimes I am wrong, but at least I have the cojones to admit when I am mistaken!

However, I also know a lot of shit. A lot of shit about a lot of things. My curiosity knows no bounds. There isn't much that a person can throw at me that I cannot at least make a sufficient response so that they feel comfortable talking to me.

I read an important article by a pediatric occupational therapist today, thanks to my friend Megan who shared it on Facebook. It was featured in the Washington Post and it's entitled "Why so many kids can't sit still in school today." You can read the article HERE. The gist of it is that kids are being made to "sit still" and "pay attention."

They're basically oxygen deprived and have no core strength from lack of movement. 

Well, that sucks!

I know even for me, just in the time I've started writing this, well, I've been fidgeting, shifting in my seat, drinking a diet coke, change the way my posture is so that I'm not touching the back of my chair, I've bended, rubbed my back, turned around to look at my snoring dogs...

You get the picture. How often can you sit perfectly still? 

Now, I do not claim to be an expert at this stuff. Child psychology is NOT my forte. I was a mentor/teacher at college level for about 18 years. I had my whale research center called The Center for Oceanic Research and Education (CORE) for 10 years. We were an accredited non-profit and I had students from all over the world who would come and take part in my experiential learning program. Most of the kids got college credits for what we would do for them. 

It was the most rewarding and fun thing to do! And the classroom work? Totally minimal. We did about 20 hours of actual classroom, and the rest of the time (mostly these were 3 month programs, 5-6 days a week, 11-13 hour days) we were on the boat either doing the research, the education or both at the same time. We also had other types of field trips doing beach clean-ups, information booths at the library, creating educational art or other materials, hands-on programs in schools, we even built a life-sized inflatable whale and the little elementary-aged kids would just EAT THIS UP!

The kindergarten through 3rd grade kids were my favorite. We had a very brief slide show about whales, dolphins and porpoises, but mostly I let the kids lead the way and inform me about their knowledge of cetaceans and the ocean.

Each school visit was different. The program was never quite the same from group to group because each child has their own viewpoint about things. I learned stuff from the little ones that I'd never imagined because their curiosity was BOUNDLESS.

It was from a third grader in a school in Marblehead, MA that I first learned that polar bears are classified as a Marine Mammal! That little kid had done his research! Here I was a well-known, published whale researcher and I had to learn this from a third grader! 

I love that.

So, my point here is that sometimes adults are fucked. We have our rigid ideas about what's what and how this or that "should" be done, when, in fact, things change. People change and evolve. Nothing remains the same. Ever. Time marches forward and technology advances and it's sometimes very hard to keep up with it all...

I was speaking with my wonderful Dad and his lovely wife yesterday, and even my husband and then my Momma a few days ago about internet security issues. It's a BIG problem. Credit card scanners are every where these days and they don't even have to TOUCH your card to get your number. I've had my identity lifted THREE times just in the last six months. 

Luckily I know what to do to prevent incurring false charges against me like making reports to the Internet Crime Complaint Center and also making reports to your state's Attorney General's Office.

I've had to do this now multiple times on about 10 different issues from false advertising (Duplicell Facebook ad that was untrue), to identity theft (Sprint will NOT give me my money back even though I've clearly never had an account with them), Verizon (who says I used my phone when my phone was broken for 6 weeks and I had cancelled my service), to someone actually stealing my debit card numbers and making other charges in Kansas (I've never been there or bought anything from a company in Kansas).

So what you have to do is contact your bank or credit card company, report the false charges and they will try to intervene on your behalf. In the case of my bank, they could not get anywhere with Sprint or Duplicell, so I had to go directly to the companies. Duplicell was great, actually, and returned the money willfully but not without trying to make me feel stupid about not reading the "fine print" when, in fact, their Facebook ad said, "Free trial, just pay shipping." Well, that's not free in the first place, but the $3.95 shipping was fine. Then 14 days later they charged me another $85! Because I didn't return the product.

So, it wasn't a free trial at all. It was a paid trial. But the ad clearly stated "Free trial." So, they had to give the money back! Dummies.

And I'm still battling with Verizon and Sprint and that asshole Adam who now lives in Texas and charged on my Marblehead Garden Center account and then skipped out on the $140. I've filed claims against all of these fartheads. It's a total of about $800. 

Ridiculous.

Something that even my uber-intelligent relatives and husband didn't know is that when you log into your bank or your credit card company and you give them personal information, make sure your browser up there has the beginning of it say:  "https//..." If it says just "http://" without the "s" then you're not in a secured area on the internet.

That is Hypertext code (which I had to learn back in 1995) for "secure." So, the encoders know how to vet a company and they have a secured place on the internet for your private information like your Social Security number and your address and your maiden name and all those other security pieces of information that they ask for...

If your computer keeps booting you out of a site that is asking for this information, it's because it's likely NOT a secure site and you should not use that particular site. Sometimes the computer knows best.

If you receive an email that looks legit, but it's asking you to reset a password or give up any personal information? Well, it's likely a spam or phishing operating. Phishing is when they are "trolling" for personal, private information so that they can use it to steal your identity and commit fraud or whatever.

There are big operations out there making a shitload of money trying to get your information. Sprint, for instance, likely had someone out there trolling for information, and someone had stolen my debit card number and then, POOF, Sprint used my debit card numbers to charge me a little over $200 even though I have NEVER had an account with them. Never once. I used Verizon (and now they're being total assholes) and then I now use AT&T.

This is rampant, and I suggest that unless you pay your stuff with a secured credit card? You should go back to the old fashioned mailing in of checks or use PayPal which is a top-notch secure company.

Hackers have nothing better to do that make your life miserable. I am a bit of a hacker myself, but I use my knowledge to help make the internet and you safer. However, the hackers are MAKING money and I'm losing, so maybe you shouldn't trust me!!!  

I jest.

But, be safe out there. I've rambled on long enough.

Commence being kind again! 

Thanks for reading.

Thirsty Thursday and a word from Hank

Sunrise in Grand Teton National Park. Shared via Instagram:http://instagram.com/wildernesssociety. Photo by Chip Phillips.

The title up there is in honor of my friend, Bob, who recently lost his Papa. They are a wonderful family and each Thursday the whole clan of them would get together either at someone's house or one of the many great places downtown and they'd have a meal together and a few pints.

Families like theirs are what we all saw in those paintings when we were kids - grandparents, parents, kids, grandchildren and even sometimes great-grandchildren if you were lucky enough to come from "good stock!"

Well, I was one of those lucky ones who got to meet and know both my maternal and paternal great-grandparents. Can you imagine? I remember them clearly and I was just a mere peanut of a thing when I met them all. I remember them all to be so much larger than life - they knew so much and had done so much.

My paternal Great Grandparents came over from Germany during the war. They were the "good" Germans. Picklemanns and Foresters - picklers and forest people. No wonder I like vinegar and trees so much - it's in my blood!

On the other side they were far more demure, but also farmer people. Some of my relatives still farm the land. They emigrated from places like Ireland and England, went to Michigan and that's the end of that story! Michigan is totally in my blood.

My parents were childhood friends, which I find so interesting, since I've been pretty much a vagabond my entire life. I've never really "settled" anywhere. Wanderlust has also always been in my blood. I love traveling, seeing new and exotic places, meeting new people, learning about other cultures and food and art.

Since I was a fetus I was raised to be kind of odd. My parents were not part of the 9-5 "normal" people. My Dad was a radio announcer-personality, the morning man on the most popular radio station in our region. My Mom was an outspoken, smart lady who ran her own advertising agency. It wasn't unusual to turn on the radio and hear a commercial written by my Mother, produced by my Father and sometimes even had all of our voices broadcasting over the air!

It was an idyllic childhood filled with mischief, mud pies, fishing, cavorting until dark (and sometimes well after dark), camping, building snowmen or sometimes snow "warts." Hot chocolate, mulled cider, pumpkins, donuts right off the press, hay rides, lots of presents and good friendships.

There were many concerts, plays and visits to museums. Symphonies, ballets, golf, tennis and softball tournaments. I kind of marvel at my childhood given the fact that my parents were children themselves when they had me. My Mom was merely 20 and my Dad only 21 when I came into this world. When I was 20? I think maybe I knew how to tie my shoes. Good gravy! Having a baby when you're that age is completely nuts!

Neither of my parents went to college, but that is not a bad thing. They really had their shit together (as much as a person can at 20 and 21). I would have had NO business having a kid when I was that age. Shit, I can barely keep it together these days and I'm knocking on 50 this coming May. How do people do it?

I briefly talked to my good friend yesterday. She's a single mother, she's only 43, SO smart, so incredible, high-powered sales job, makes SIX figures, manages to work from home most days, has a gorgeous house, beautiful garden, nice car, an involved Father to her child - you get the picture. She's one of those "has-it-all" type women. Well, no wonder this amazing woman has insomnia and drives herself so hard that she just has a meltdown every so often...How is anyone supposed to keep all those balls up in the air like that?

I'm lucky if I shower, get dressed and make a few dollars each day. Not to mention keeping up with cleaning, laundry, the garden, food shopping, cooking, dishes, taking care of the dogs, trying to do my writing each day, promoting my new business and then the social stuff that is necessary to maintain some semblance of "normalcy."

And I don't even have a kid! That's another whole ball of wax, there! Feeding them, getting them off to school, caring for their emotional well-being, coordinating their pick-ups and drop-offs, play-dates, social time, alone time, reading, writing and arithmetic...I do not, for the life of me, understand how you parents all do that shit and then have any time left for anything else?!! It amazes me.

When I visit my friends who have children, I generally have a fabulous time with the kids. I tend to find kids far more interesting than most adults. Kids have wondrous imaginations and, for them, the sky is the limit - and these days, the sky ISN'T the limit. My own amazing little cousins are out there in hyperspace all the time, flying giant planes and going places that test the imagination.

In any case, kids are super cool and I do have some regrets that I didn't test out my maternal skillz by having a child. However, I DO know that when I'm with my friends' kids I'm EXHAUSTED after about 3 hours. I don't know how parents do that stuff full time! Again, amazed by the parents out there who are doing their damndest to do it up right. Amazing.

So, the moral of this story (is there?) is that I'm giving mad props (terrible saying) to my 'rents and to the other parents out there. Kudos to all of you.

For today, I will leave you with a funny email from my good pal, Hank! Happy holidays to you and yours and thanks for reading:

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the  page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a  wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already  built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concretefloors 

are very hard to crack.

A picture of Antarctica from NASA. Amazingly beautiful, our Earth.