Fallacies, Flaws and the Myth of Perfection

Arrrrggghhhh! My beloved six-burner Viking stove!! ACK!
God I loved that thing. I used to hug it! 

Eggplant I grew in my driveway!

My spectacular Montauk daisies. The were very hearty and last to bloom in the autumn. 

Gorgeous fall color on the hydrangea in my driveway.

Jost Van Dyke's White Bay. Heaven on Earth.

With my friend's newborn just before the trip to White Bay.

Quisset Harbor. Another heaven-on-Earth type location.

Quince blossoms. 

Ranunculus.

Tulip from my garden.

Frittilaria from my Salem garden. I have a giant chocolate variety here that is spectacular.

I've been very nostalgic again recently. Upon meeting new friends including my most excellent friends Amy, Amanda, Kari, Mike, Danielle & her beau, Orion, Sean, Jason, Cap, Camilla, Buster, Brian, Marilyn, Kathy, Margaret, Rob, Suzie and Tracye among several other great humans I've met in the last year, I find that I get reflect-y about my past and my old old old most wonderful friends that I've had for 20, 30 and even more than 40 years!

God, I'm old.

Yeesh.

Annnyyway, it's such an interesting thing to sit and think about all the times you've had with people over the course of twenty years. My friend Penny, for instance - we met when I was in a huuuuge transition period of my life. I had just gotten through my first divorce (never would I have dreamed there might be another), I was moving away from Littleton, MA (thank GOODNESS) back to the coast where I belong. In the meantime, though, I had a job for 4 more LONG months in Worcester, MA. So, that's no drop in the bucket commute.

But I did it. During the height of winter, I commuted back and forth from Salem to Worcester. UGH. One dreary snowstorm on a Friday night had me in my car for three hours to get home. I was not pleased.

Often I'd be the only one in the house when I lived with Penny. We had a rotating third roommate each year. It was uncanny. No one could live with Penny and me! We got along famously. She was a rabid recycler and a Yankee through and through. Frugal, generous and practical. And an incredible athlete skier and cyclist. The heat was low in the winter and electric bills were low year round. I adored Penny right away and have never stopped.

She and I have seen each other through so many changes. Dogs passing away, moves out of Salem, moves within Salem! Deaths of people we knew and loved, life changes that we didn't want, life changes we DID want...

All through it, I never stop knowing that if I needed her, she'd do everything in her power to help. Same goes for her. She knows I've got her back whenever she needs it.

There are just some people like that. Hank, Marylou, Jannie, Nina, Elyse, the Lisas!, Bob, Scott, Kristen, Liz, Karen, Erika, Jenna, Jim, Rocky and his whole family, Jackie and Dave, Janet, Melissa, Steve and George, Bob and his whole family, Addie, Pam, Carol Ann, Maryanne, Maryellen, Debbie, Lynn and her family, Kevin and Jill, Joe, and of course, my beloved parents and their respective spouses, my Auntie and Uncle, their kids and fiances, my people in California, Washington, Maryland, Michigan, and the list goes on and on...

I feel so very very fortunate to have not only made these wonderful friends and to have kept them near and dear even though I'm 5000 miles away from everything. Alaska is out there! WAAY out there.

No regrets moving here though. I cry sometimes because I miss everyone and I don't have the money to keep flying everywhere. I have gone through all of the money I'd saved from the sale of my house. It cost me a LOT of money to move here and then to get my new business all set up and getting the garden in tip top condition as my best marketing tool.

I've networked, joined organizations, taken potential clients out for dinners and drinks, donated to charities with money and time and flowers and other tangible goods. I've bought things for the house, I've sold things! You name it, I've been trying everything to get myself established here in Alaska.

And then the sh*t hit the fan. My identity got stolen, rings went missing, a video camera went missing, money started disappearing from my wallet, from my bank accounts, from my credit cards, phone bills started doubling, fake accounts were set up...And this person was living with us under the guise of being a frightened teenager who was a victim of domestic violence.

This caused immense strife for me and my husband. And he had just had surgery, to boot, so we were both exhausted and not on our game. I'd have figured this out very quickly had I not been completely spent from taking care of my poor hurting husband, the house, laundry, two dogs, cooking, cleaning, bills, etc all during the dead of winter when it's dark and sad and dreary.

I'm surprised I could keep it together at all!

In any case, I started hearing from this person's Mother. It was startling what she told me. I will not go into it here. Not worth repeating.

Since that time, I've had to rebuild my credit, my name, my everything - but most notably, my marriage.

These terrible things that happened were because of about 20 factors that all collided during the darkest part of winter in Alaska. It's not a joke having only about 3 hours of daylight. It rips at your psyche and causes a lot of very bad behavior and very strange events.

Luckily I was aware of the weirdness and used my Seasonal Affective Disorder "happy light" during that time. I took a lot of baths, listened to happy music, watched comedies, watched stand-up comics that make me delight, read a lot of good books...Luckily I was given and have learned the tools to make certain I don't fall into that dark hole that took me down so badly a couple years ago.

Luckily I am extremely aware of my boundaries and my flaws.

There is a fallacy about perfection that most people strive to obtain...

Guess what? No such thing. The only thing even close to perfection is unconditional love and the only beings that seem to be capable of that are our furry or feathered family members. Birds, dogs and cats. Other critters also may learn unconditional love, but pretty much I think humans missed that boat a loooong time ago.

Anyone who tells you they love you unconditionally? Is likely just trying to fool you and themselves.

I have now been married three times and have had a lot of boyfriends in between. I cannot name one time I felt unconditional love toward any of them. It seems to be that the hormones and "higher" thought processes (or in some humans' case the lack of any thought processes!) just clouds what we normally desire to do. Most of us desire health, happiness and comfort.

When someone or something threatens those three things, that's when the trouble begins.

There are few critters on the Earth that truly mate for life. Some birds do, French Angelfish do, some termites do, Schistoma worms do (hilarious!).

The list of mammals? Short:

1 - Gibbons.
2 - Prairie Voles.
3 - Wolves.

Humans try but most fail. I know I've failed miserably at marriage! Terribly miserably! I'm the worst!

There is a bit of blame in the fact that I'm an only child. We learn, very quickly, that we are the center of the Universe!

And then we work for the rest of our lives to undo that attitude.  I know I'm terrible at it!

My poor husbands have had to endure the brunt of my selfishness, my ability to blame others for my problems, my verbal assaults when feeling cornered or disrespected, my need for alone time and conversely my need for social time.

I'm a study in contradiction. I'm fully aware of it. I'm a recovering perfectionist. HELP!  (I'm giggling!)

I have an unnatural affinity for animals - kind of all of them. Even spiders and snakes.

And, generally speaking, I'd much rather be in the garden with my plants and flowers or with the little natures outside than most humans. Most adult humans are just bothersome. That's why I enjoy kids so much - they have no agenda really except the desire to play, explore, learn, and share what they've learned.

Kids are great, but most adults ruin them. They wanna categorize their kids or put them in a box so that they're just like all the other kids.

BLECH.

Boring. Horrid. How terrible to do that to a child?!

Luckily my parents recognized my weirdness immediately. I wanted to be an architect, a concert pianist, a detective like Nancy Drew, the next Dorothy Hamill, the next LPGA tour winner, a champion swimmer, an academic, a dancer, the next Jane Gooddall, the next Diane Fossey or the next Jacques Cousteau. Or Doris Day. Or Shirley Temple. Or a rock god (I rocked out on my bass guitar in my Heart cover band!).

And then I decided to focus. I went the science route. Became an expert on Marine Mammals and seabirds. Then focused on shorebirds and plants. Then became an educator on all of those subjects. Then just wanted to garden and play on my boat and take care of my dogs that were old.

Then that all went away. The garden, the house, the husband, the dogs, everything just went away.

I was left with money. And I didn't care about that at all. I cared about all those other things that just slipped away. Then more deaths happened and more was lost.

And I still had all that money. But I didn't want the money, I wanted those people and my dogs and my beloved garden.

I was utterly and completely lost in a fog. There was no wind to get the fog away, just more fog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now I find myself feeling light again. Unburdened. 

I now have no money to speak of, but I do have a piano, a little dog that adores me, a beautiful home and a garden that I'd die for! I've got friends, a thriving business,  a husband who is a wonderful person - a flawed person who recognizes his flaws and can apologize for them. 

I guess that's all we can hope for, right? 

Just a person who recognizes their own junk and is willing to work 

with you on muddling through the thing.

Boaty and doggies. I miss the guy there, too.

My sweet Sadie. Sweetest, gentlest animal I've ever known.

Ciao for now. Thanks for reading.

Go do the thing! 

xoxo

Thirsty Thursday and a word from Hank

Sunrise in Grand Teton National Park. Shared via Instagram:http://instagram.com/wildernesssociety. Photo by Chip Phillips.

The title up there is in honor of my friend, Bob, who recently lost his Papa. They are a wonderful family and each Thursday the whole clan of them would get together either at someone's house or one of the many great places downtown and they'd have a meal together and a few pints.

Families like theirs are what we all saw in those paintings when we were kids - grandparents, parents, kids, grandchildren and even sometimes great-grandchildren if you were lucky enough to come from "good stock!"

Well, I was one of those lucky ones who got to meet and know both my maternal and paternal great-grandparents. Can you imagine? I remember them clearly and I was just a mere peanut of a thing when I met them all. I remember them all to be so much larger than life - they knew so much and had done so much.

My paternal Great Grandparents came over from Germany during the war. They were the "good" Germans. Picklemanns and Foresters - picklers and forest people. No wonder I like vinegar and trees so much - it's in my blood!

On the other side they were far more demure, but also farmer people. Some of my relatives still farm the land. They emigrated from places like Ireland and England, went to Michigan and that's the end of that story! Michigan is totally in my blood.

My parents were childhood friends, which I find so interesting, since I've been pretty much a vagabond my entire life. I've never really "settled" anywhere. Wanderlust has also always been in my blood. I love traveling, seeing new and exotic places, meeting new people, learning about other cultures and food and art.

Since I was a fetus I was raised to be kind of odd. My parents were not part of the 9-5 "normal" people. My Dad was a radio announcer-personality, the morning man on the most popular radio station in our region. My Mom was an outspoken, smart lady who ran her own advertising agency. It wasn't unusual to turn on the radio and hear a commercial written by my Mother, produced by my Father and sometimes even had all of our voices broadcasting over the air!

It was an idyllic childhood filled with mischief, mud pies, fishing, cavorting until dark (and sometimes well after dark), camping, building snowmen or sometimes snow "warts." Hot chocolate, mulled cider, pumpkins, donuts right off the press, hay rides, lots of presents and good friendships.

There were many concerts, plays and visits to museums. Symphonies, ballets, golf, tennis and softball tournaments. I kind of marvel at my childhood given the fact that my parents were children themselves when they had me. My Mom was merely 20 and my Dad only 21 when I came into this world. When I was 20? I think maybe I knew how to tie my shoes. Good gravy! Having a baby when you're that age is completely nuts!

Neither of my parents went to college, but that is not a bad thing. They really had their shit together (as much as a person can at 20 and 21). I would have had NO business having a kid when I was that age. Shit, I can barely keep it together these days and I'm knocking on 50 this coming May. How do people do it?

I briefly talked to my good friend yesterday. She's a single mother, she's only 43, SO smart, so incredible, high-powered sales job, makes SIX figures, manages to work from home most days, has a gorgeous house, beautiful garden, nice car, an involved Father to her child - you get the picture. She's one of those "has-it-all" type women. Well, no wonder this amazing woman has insomnia and drives herself so hard that she just has a meltdown every so often...How is anyone supposed to keep all those balls up in the air like that?

I'm lucky if I shower, get dressed and make a few dollars each day. Not to mention keeping up with cleaning, laundry, the garden, food shopping, cooking, dishes, taking care of the dogs, trying to do my writing each day, promoting my new business and then the social stuff that is necessary to maintain some semblance of "normalcy."

And I don't even have a kid! That's another whole ball of wax, there! Feeding them, getting them off to school, caring for their emotional well-being, coordinating their pick-ups and drop-offs, play-dates, social time, alone time, reading, writing and arithmetic...I do not, for the life of me, understand how you parents all do that shit and then have any time left for anything else?!! It amazes me.

When I visit my friends who have children, I generally have a fabulous time with the kids. I tend to find kids far more interesting than most adults. Kids have wondrous imaginations and, for them, the sky is the limit - and these days, the sky ISN'T the limit. My own amazing little cousins are out there in hyperspace all the time, flying giant planes and going places that test the imagination.

In any case, kids are super cool and I do have some regrets that I didn't test out my maternal skillz by having a child. However, I DO know that when I'm with my friends' kids I'm EXHAUSTED after about 3 hours. I don't know how parents do that stuff full time! Again, amazed by the parents out there who are doing their damndest to do it up right. Amazing.

So, the moral of this story (is there?) is that I'm giving mad props (terrible saying) to my 'rents and to the other parents out there. Kudos to all of you.

For today, I will leave you with a funny email from my good pal, Hank! Happy holidays to you and yours and thanks for reading:

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the  page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a  wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already  built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concretefloors 

are very hard to crack.

A picture of Antarctica from NASA. Amazingly beautiful, our Earth.

Lunch with a friend

Today had a lovely lunch with one of my most best, long-time friends. She and I used to be housemates for years and years until I met my husband. We were primed to be spinsters living together in that rickety old house. She and I just co-existed peacefully and very happily. Only trouble was the 3rd housemate. There was always something strange about the 3rd housemate.

The first girl was into skulls and bats and dead bugs and just dark, weird stuff. Now, if you're a goth person, I'm sorry to offend, but to the rest of us who love flowers and sunshine, that is just not something we can relate to. I felt SO uncomfortable going into her room to feed her frogs (very cute frogs) when she was away. It was creepy in there. And she had a giant painting above her bed that looked very much like a giant va-jay-jay. Not in a Georgia O'Keefe way, but in a very realistic way. Nothing subliminal here, kids!

Then there was the girl who never, ever came out of her room except to surprise you in the kitchen and then she'd be right back in that room. You'd go by there all hours of the day and night and would only hear the sounds of paper ripping. I finally decided she was an alien building a nest in there. Who knows!

The last one, a very sweet girl, had "woman problems" as she described it. I didn't need details, you know? One of the things she did to relieve these "problems" was to cook up these Chinese herbs in our kitchen and then she had to drink the "tea." Oh, how do I describe the smell? Hmmm. Let's say a mixture of dirt, poop, vinegar and rotten pickles? Maybe with a bit of patchouli thrown in there for good measure. It was absolutely horrific and the entire house would smell of this noxious mix for days on end. We were not sad to see her leave. Ugh!

I'll have to remember to tell you of some of my fabulous dates during the time I stayed in that house. Oh, I found some doozies!

So, to get back to the so-called theme of this blog, I got to go to my most favorite garden center today and get some more goodies to do a wreath for above long-time friend, another wreath for our house, and a garland for the front of our house. I kind of like to make sure our flower boxes and decorations are looking good year-round since I figure it's good marketing for my business, right? That's what I tell my husband, anyway!! : )

Here's the wreath I got up before it got dark here (which is pretty early right now). I wanted something simple and cute for the back door of our house.



I love that ribbon. It's silver wired ribbon that has millions of silver polka dots! Very happy. I found it today at the garden center - they sell so many good things there. Cute vases, baskets, artificial garlands that are very pretty, ribbons, stuff for cut flowers, every fertilizer known to mankind, organic dirt, awesome greens; you name it! I just love garden centers. Always have. I even love the smell of them, just like I love the smell of hardware stores. Is that odd? It's all earthy and smells so good and fresh. But not earthy like those Chinese herbs!