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| Arrrrggghhhh! My beloved six-burner Viking stove!! ACK! God I loved that thing. I used to hug it! |
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| Eggplant I grew in my driveway! |
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| My spectacular Montauk daisies. The were very hearty and last to bloom in the autumn. |
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| Gorgeous fall color on the hydrangea in my driveway. |
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| Jost Van Dyke's White Bay. Heaven on Earth. |
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| With my friend's newborn just before the trip to White Bay. |
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| Quisset Harbor. Another heaven-on-Earth type location. |
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| Quince blossoms. |
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| Ranunculus. |
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| Tulip from my garden. |
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| Frittilaria from my Salem garden. I have a giant chocolate variety here that is spectacular. |
God, I'm old.
Yeesh.
Annnyyway, it's such an interesting thing to sit and think about all the times you've had with people over the course of twenty years. My friend Penny, for instance - we met when I was in a huuuuge transition period of my life. I had just gotten through my first divorce (never would I have dreamed there might be another), I was moving away from Littleton, MA (thank GOODNESS) back to the coast where I belong. In the meantime, though, I had a job for 4 more LONG months in Worcester, MA. So, that's no drop in the bucket commute.
But I did it. During the height of winter, I commuted back and forth from Salem to Worcester. UGH. One dreary snowstorm on a Friday night had me in my car for three hours to get home. I was not pleased.
Often I'd be the only one in the house when I lived with Penny. We had a rotating third roommate each year. It was uncanny. No one could live with Penny and me! We got along famously. She was a rabid recycler and a Yankee through and through. Frugal, generous and practical. And an incredible athlete skier and cyclist. The heat was low in the winter and electric bills were low year round. I adored Penny right away and have never stopped.
She and I have seen each other through so many changes. Dogs passing away, moves out of Salem, moves within Salem! Deaths of people we knew and loved, life changes that we didn't want, life changes we DID want...
All through it, I never stop knowing that if I needed her, she'd do everything in her power to help. Same goes for her. She knows I've got her back whenever she needs it.
There are just some people like that. Hank, Marylou, Jannie, Nina, Elyse, the Lisas!, Bob, Scott, Kristen, Liz, Karen, Erika, Jenna, Jim, Rocky and his whole family, Jackie and Dave, Janet, Melissa, Steve and George, Bob and his whole family, Addie, Pam, Carol Ann, Maryanne, Maryellen, Debbie, Lynn and her family, Kevin and Jill, Joe, and of course, my beloved parents and their respective spouses, my Auntie and Uncle, their kids and fiances, my people in California, Washington, Maryland, Michigan, and the list goes on and on...
I feel so very very fortunate to have not only made these wonderful friends and to have kept them near and dear even though I'm 5000 miles away from everything. Alaska is out there! WAAY out there.
No regrets moving here though. I cry sometimes because I miss everyone and I don't have the money to keep flying everywhere. I have gone through all of the money I'd saved from the sale of my house. It cost me a LOT of money to move here and then to get my new business all set up and getting the garden in tip top condition as my best marketing tool.
I've networked, joined organizations, taken potential clients out for dinners and drinks, donated to charities with money and time and flowers and other tangible goods. I've bought things for the house, I've sold things! You name it, I've been trying everything to get myself established here in Alaska.
And then the sh*t hit the fan. My identity got stolen, rings went missing, a video camera went missing, money started disappearing from my wallet, from my bank accounts, from my credit cards, phone bills started doubling, fake accounts were set up...And this person was living with us under the guise of being a frightened teenager who was a victim of domestic violence.
This caused immense strife for me and my husband. And he had just had surgery, to boot, so we were both exhausted and not on our game. I'd have figured this out very quickly had I not been completely spent from taking care of my poor hurting husband, the house, laundry, two dogs, cooking, cleaning, bills, etc all during the dead of winter when it's dark and sad and dreary.
I'm surprised I could keep it together at all!
In any case, I started hearing from this person's Mother. It was startling what she told me. I will not go into it here. Not worth repeating.
Since that time, I've had to rebuild my credit, my name, my everything - but most notably, my marriage.
These terrible things that happened were because of about 20 factors that all collided during the darkest part of winter in Alaska. It's not a joke having only about 3 hours of daylight. It rips at your psyche and causes a lot of very bad behavior and very strange events.
Luckily I was aware of the weirdness and used my Seasonal Affective Disorder "happy light" during that time. I took a lot of baths, listened to happy music, watched comedies, watched stand-up comics that make me delight, read a lot of good books...Luckily I was given and have learned the tools to make certain I don't fall into that dark hole that took me down so badly a couple years ago.
Luckily I am extremely aware of my boundaries and my flaws.
There is a fallacy about perfection that most people strive to obtain...
Guess what? No such thing. The only thing even close to perfection is unconditional love and the only beings that seem to be capable of that are our furry or feathered family members. Birds, dogs and cats. Other critters also may learn unconditional love, but pretty much I think humans missed that boat a loooong time ago.
Anyone who tells you they love you unconditionally? Is likely just trying to fool you and themselves.
I have now been married three times and have had a lot of boyfriends in between. I cannot name one time I felt unconditional love toward any of them. It seems to be that the hormones and "higher" thought processes (or in some humans' case the lack of any thought processes!) just clouds what we normally desire to do. Most of us desire health, happiness and comfort.
When someone or something threatens those three things, that's when the trouble begins.
There are few critters on the Earth that truly mate for life. Some birds do, French Angelfish do, some termites do, Schistoma worms do (hilarious!).
The list of mammals? Short:
1 - Gibbons.
2 - Prairie Voles.
3 - Wolves.
Humans try but most fail. I know I've failed miserably at marriage! Terribly miserably! I'm the worst!
There is a bit of blame in the fact that I'm an only child. We learn, very quickly, that we are the center of the Universe!
And then we work for the rest of our lives to undo that attitude. I know I'm terrible at it!
My poor husbands have had to endure the brunt of my selfishness, my ability to blame others for my problems, my verbal assaults when feeling cornered or disrespected, my need for alone time and conversely my need for social time.
I'm a study in contradiction. I'm fully aware of it. I'm a recovering perfectionist. HELP! (I'm giggling!)
I have an unnatural affinity for animals - kind of all of them. Even spiders and snakes.
And, generally speaking, I'd much rather be in the garden with my plants and flowers or with the little natures outside than most humans. Most adult humans are just bothersome. That's why I enjoy kids so much - they have no agenda really except the desire to play, explore, learn, and share what they've learned.
Kids are great, but most adults ruin them. They wanna categorize their kids or put them in a box so that they're just like all the other kids.
BLECH.
Boring. Horrid. How terrible to do that to a child?!
Luckily my parents recognized my weirdness immediately. I wanted to be an architect, a concert pianist, a detective like Nancy Drew, the next Dorothy Hamill, the next LPGA tour winner, a champion swimmer, an academic, a dancer, the next Jane Gooddall, the next Diane Fossey or the next Jacques Cousteau. Or Doris Day. Or Shirley Temple. Or a rock god (I rocked out on my bass guitar in my Heart cover band!).
And then I decided to focus. I went the science route. Became an expert on Marine Mammals and seabirds. Then focused on shorebirds and plants. Then became an educator on all of those subjects. Then just wanted to garden and play on my boat and take care of my dogs that were old.
Then that all went away. The garden, the house, the husband, the dogs, everything just went away.
I was left with money. And I didn't care about that at all. I cared about all those other things that just slipped away. Then more deaths happened and more was lost.
And I still had all that money. But I didn't want the money, I wanted those people and my dogs and my beloved garden.
I was utterly and completely lost in a fog. There was no wind to get the fog away, just more fog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I find myself feeling light again. Unburdened.
I now have no money to speak of, but I do have a piano, a little dog that adores me, a beautiful home and a garden that I'd die for! I've got friends, a thriving business, a husband who is a wonderful person - a flawed person who recognizes his flaws and can apologize for them.
I guess that's all we can hope for, right?
Just a person who recognizes their own junk and is willing to work
with you on muddling through the thing.
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| Boaty and doggies. I miss the guy there, too. |
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| My sweet Sadie. Sweetest, gentlest animal I've ever known. |
Ciao for now. Thanks for reading.
Go do the thing!
xoxo
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