The Difference Between Being Alone and Being Lonely

The view from our room in Tortola at Long Bay Beach Resort.

Triana River in Seville.

Quisset Harbor in Buzzard's Bay, Massachusetts.

Martha's Vineyard, Vineyard Haven.

Lady and Koty in a stream at Mount Washington.

Sadie and Koty on Boaty.
I miss my dogs.

You know, you never really can tell what it's like to be in someone else's shoes, so to speak. Our experience of life is singularly our own.

We all, for reals, are just alone in the world. We can have friends and family and all that good stuff, but we're products of our genetics and experiences and no one else has it exactly the same as you.

Kind of weird to think about that.

The first time I really thought about it was my introduction to Sociobiology; The New Synthesis by Edward O. Wilson. One of the most revolutionary books I've ever read on evolutionary psychology.

Thinking about free will, and how much a person actually has, was and is odd to ponder.

But in a way, it's also kind of freeing when you can let go of expecting another person to behave just as you would in every situation.

That, however, does not give people a pass for plain old bad behavior.

There is someone I love a lot who is not able to return it. He tries all the time. He tries hard. He "tries" to be nice and "tries" to love me like I love him.

But something gets lost in the "trying" because it's just not genuine.

If you are constantly seeking and trying, you're missing out on the being of it in the present.

I knew a person who went in search of herself. She traveled and did this and that and the other and meditation and yoga and spiritual quests.

When she returned from all the seeking, all that was left? Was her. There was nothing else.

She kept looking for answers when all along the answers were right in front of her face. She was too busy looking in all other directions and she forgot to just experience life as it came.

It's an interesting thing how so many people are always busy and have so many appointments and outings and going here and there all the time. The phones, the ipads, the televisions, the computers. This constant need to fill up every waking moment with stuff.

To me? That is sheer and utter hell.

I cannot STAND a constant barrage of things to do and places to go and the constant chatter of people and phones and television...

I like being alone. I like silence. I REALLY like quiet and just the sounds of the house around me or the sounds of the birds twittering and the wind chimes lightly dinging in the trees out back.

One of my most favorite sounds is the lapping of water up against the hull of a boat while I'm sitting in the sun watching birds or whales. Or the sounds of water against the hull while I'm in a bunk drifting off to sleep after a long day of working on the boat or in the garden.

I don't need music going or the television in the background. Right now, in fact, I'm listening to the fan, the buzz of the refrigerator and the sound of my little dog breathing deeply as she sleeps on the couch.

My phone is off. And I'm just typing. My back is tight from gardening all the time this past week and also from being tense after a not-so-nice interaction yesterday with that person I love.

So, being alone is fine with me. But I can be lonely when I'm alone and even MORE so when I'm with a person who doesn't even care if I'm there or not.

My ex-husband made me feel desperately lonely. When he got home from work, he was either on the phone, on his ipad or watching television. Sometimes it was all three at the same time.

Well, I managed to find another person who is pretty checked out. He has no interest in my day or what I want or hope or dream about. I tell him things out of sheer boredom, but he doesn't even remember what I said. He'll ask me the same questions 20 times and never ever remember what my answer was.

He lost his job and then, without ever asking, decided he's seeking a new job in a different state. He didn't even ask me if I WANTED to live in that state or take into account the fact that I spent over $30,000 to move my stuff here and get my new business established through networking, licensing and marketing during the last 10 months. It's been a huge financial strain on my personal savings to get all of this done.

He didn't even offer to help me move here. He didn't even "try" to help.

So, when I tell people about this person and how poorly I'm being treated, there's a lot more to the story. Like how I took care of him during the darkest days of winter in Alaska - three months - while he recuperated from a triple surgery.

I didn't get to go anywhere or do anything because he was in constant need of help. He couldn't even drive or tie his shoes, for heaven's sake.

Nobody was around to help me take care of him, the house, the dogs, our tenant, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and then also trying desperately not to get depressed during days of little or no sunlight.

There was no laughter anymore. There was no one being nice to me. In fact, I got yelled at when my help was unwelcome at times.

And this was all coinciding with my identity being stolen and more of my money just disappearing into the mist.

So, when I tell you I'm okay and I'm going to be fine, I am. I've endured way more than all of this.

However, do NOT start my day each day with news of death, destruction and your mistaken idea that you've "ruined my life."

No one is responsible for my happiness. Nor am I responsible for yours.

My sunny outlook is just that. It's mine. You do not get to steal my sun or suck my oxygen.

I already had someone in my life that tried to put me down and make me feel bad about myself.

There is not a person in the world who is capable of doing that to me now. I worked too long and too hard to claw my way out of that terrible hole and there's no way I'm getting back in there.

I do appreciate advice from the people who know and love me. I know you're concerned that I'm not okay.

But the truth is I'm okay.

I might not be thrilled with the circumstances or some of my choices, but given what I knew at the time, I'd likely make those same choices again.

Hindsight is 20/20, but the truth is only in the present.

My Beebles. I adore this little pumpkin.

My poor Dallas. I loved that pooch.

A Poem and my BIRTHDAY!

Coneflower or echinacea. I love these.

Cute Mr. bumblebee that was cold from the fall night temperatures.
You can pet them, you know? I pet him and he waved his little feets at me.

Nasturtium. I love this buttery yellow variety

Love the antique color of this hydrangea in my old driveway.

This is a garden I re-designed and cared for for 8 years in MA.
It was a glorious shade garden. SO lush and happy.

So, it's officially May 6th. That means it's only 24 days until my beloved birthday. I turn 50 this year and I personally do not understand people who do not love their birthday and who are afraid to say how old they really are.

I'm proud of my 50 years. I've had friends who didn't make it to their 50th, so I am thankful for that large number with the zero on the end of it.

Who cares?

There's that cliche about age just being a number and that your TRUE age is how you feel and act. I think it's true. I have known people who are in their 20s and they are FAR more responsible than I'll ever be. They are "adult" in their actions and their sort of staid manners.

I'm not "adult" if you wanna use those terms. Staid? Moi? Nope!

I find "adult" humans to be rather boring and most times they take themselves far too seriously.

On the other hand, they are the people who have those steady jobs and incomes and a big, fat retirement waiting for them the moment they decide to do that thing.

On the other other hand, I've had a fun and interesting life. I don't have a big, juicy paycheck. I don't have a big fat retirement waiting for me. I will tell you this, though, I've got no regrets. I've never stayed in a miserable job, working in a cubicle, making myself miserable with my 2.5 children and a job that pays just the right amount for my mortgage, food, bills and putting my 2.5 kids into the "right" school and blah blah blah.

Oh, I find the whole idea of living like that completely suffocating.

Never have I wanted to work inside a building. Ever. Ew.

The moment I had a "break" or lunch or whatever when I was working my few short stints as a working stiff, I'd get outside as quickly as possible. If I couldn't be outside, I'd be near a window at least gazing out at the birds or trees or whatever.

I HATE hate hate being in rooms where there are no windows. Ugh. I don't know how people do it. I really really don't.

My days start here in Alaska with the window behind my head cracked open for fresh air and also so I can hear the little cheepy birds start singing at about 4am. They are rose-breasted nuthatch and a couple different kinds of chickadees with their chick-a-dee dee dee dee dee songs and calls.

Upon arising, first thing I do is look out to see the birds and the greenery of the trees. Alaska is amazing in that when spring arrives, it does so fiercely and SOOOO quickly. We already have nearly 17 hours of sunlight. Incredible.

The birch trees have already leafed out with their bright green new leaves. Stunningly bright and beautiful. My Chinese poppies out front are over a foot tall and I just saw that my bleeding heart is about ready to bloom! WOW!! And it's only May 6th! Yeesh!

Generally my puppy dog and I head out into the back yard quickly so she can do her business and I can watch the birds flitting around the yard. SO many of them. Several pairs of chickadees, nuthatch, robins, starlings, warblers, Stellar's jays and more.

It's really quite loud, but so glorious to hear them and to see the amazing growth of the plants and grass back there even in a 24 hour span.

So, the big and little natures have sort of ruled my life. Animals and plants are my gig. People are okay sometimes, but I like most people in sort of smaller doses and I loathe small talk, so it's kind of a weird measured way I lead my existence.

My husband (the current one!) finds me to be extremely flamboyant and overly trusting. I will take both of those adjectives as major compliments.

The opposite of flamboyant?

Dull
Plain
Restrained

Yuck!

The opposite of being trusting?

Distrustful
Suspicious

Again, YUCK. Who'd want to be running around like that?

There it is. Fine. I'm okay with being flamboyant and trusting. 100%. No issues with that.

And I tend to make friends who are just like that. My bestest friend, Karen, is TOTALLY flamboyant - she makes me look like a shrinking violet! I adore her crazy, out-there-ness. Love it. I love that she doesn't apologize for how she is. If you don't like it? You can lump it.

I was told, by another really good friend, that there comes a time in a woman's life that she just basically doesn't give a sh*t what other people think of her or how she dresses or any of those things. I am exactly who I am and seriously, if you make me monitor myself and how I do my stuff and how I dress and how I speak and my opinions on certain things? Well, I'm just not gonna play in your sand box.

Of course there are social tenets like not swearing in certain situations and having a sense of decorum near children or certain others and not breaking laws, etc. - I get that and you know what I'm talking about when I say things like not giving a rat's *ss about others...

I'm nice to people even sometimes when they don't deserve it. I choose to be nice because it makes me feel better about life. I'm not a nasty person - never have been and never will be. However, if you make the mistake of being icky to me over and over, well? Then you've just gotten yourself kicked out of MY sandbox!

Homie don't play dat. (That's a blast from the past - thank you In Living Color!)

So, all in all, I guess today's rant is about that same stuff I've been touting for months now. It's the thing about being nice to others and frankly, if you don't have something nice to say to me? Then ZIP IT.

Certainly I've done my share of speaking ill about others. I'm not immune to it. And, in particular there was that young person who scammed me out of a bunch of money and caused a lot of heartache. But I don't think that constitutes gossip. I wasn't making up stories. I was talking about what happened to me and I didn't want her to scam any of my other friends she knew. So, I do have room for people explaining their own experiences - especially when it involves a schmuck.

In closing, I will leave you with two things.

First, yaaaay for our new Mayor of Anchorage, Ethan Berkowitz. Major yaaay there! Phew. Dodged a proverbial bullet with the other candidate.

Second, a poem by one of my favorites, Robert Frost. It's called "A Passing Glimpse"

I often see flowers from a passing car
That are gone before I can tell what they are.

I want to get out of the train and go back
To see what they were beside the track.

I name all the flowers I am sure they weren't;
Not fireweed loving where woods have burnt -

Not bluebells gracing a tunnel mouth -
Not lupine living on sand and drouth.

Was something brushed across my mind
That no one on earth will ever find?

Heaven gives its glimpses only to those
Not in position to look too close.

My bestie during our "princess" Halloween phase!

Montauk daisies I grew in MA.