The Difference Between Being Alone and Being Lonely

The view from our room in Tortola at Long Bay Beach Resort.

Triana River in Seville.

Quisset Harbor in Buzzard's Bay, Massachusetts.

Martha's Vineyard, Vineyard Haven.

Lady and Koty in a stream at Mount Washington.

Sadie and Koty on Boaty.
I miss my dogs.

You know, you never really can tell what it's like to be in someone else's shoes, so to speak. Our experience of life is singularly our own.

We all, for reals, are just alone in the world. We can have friends and family and all that good stuff, but we're products of our genetics and experiences and no one else has it exactly the same as you.

Kind of weird to think about that.

The first time I really thought about it was my introduction to Sociobiology; The New Synthesis by Edward O. Wilson. One of the most revolutionary books I've ever read on evolutionary psychology.

Thinking about free will, and how much a person actually has, was and is odd to ponder.

But in a way, it's also kind of freeing when you can let go of expecting another person to behave just as you would in every situation.

That, however, does not give people a pass for plain old bad behavior.

There is someone I love a lot who is not able to return it. He tries all the time. He tries hard. He "tries" to be nice and "tries" to love me like I love him.

But something gets lost in the "trying" because it's just not genuine.

If you are constantly seeking and trying, you're missing out on the being of it in the present.

I knew a person who went in search of herself. She traveled and did this and that and the other and meditation and yoga and spiritual quests.

When she returned from all the seeking, all that was left? Was her. There was nothing else.

She kept looking for answers when all along the answers were right in front of her face. She was too busy looking in all other directions and she forgot to just experience life as it came.

It's an interesting thing how so many people are always busy and have so many appointments and outings and going here and there all the time. The phones, the ipads, the televisions, the computers. This constant need to fill up every waking moment with stuff.

To me? That is sheer and utter hell.

I cannot STAND a constant barrage of things to do and places to go and the constant chatter of people and phones and television...

I like being alone. I like silence. I REALLY like quiet and just the sounds of the house around me or the sounds of the birds twittering and the wind chimes lightly dinging in the trees out back.

One of my most favorite sounds is the lapping of water up against the hull of a boat while I'm sitting in the sun watching birds or whales. Or the sounds of water against the hull while I'm in a bunk drifting off to sleep after a long day of working on the boat or in the garden.

I don't need music going or the television in the background. Right now, in fact, I'm listening to the fan, the buzz of the refrigerator and the sound of my little dog breathing deeply as she sleeps on the couch.

My phone is off. And I'm just typing. My back is tight from gardening all the time this past week and also from being tense after a not-so-nice interaction yesterday with that person I love.

So, being alone is fine with me. But I can be lonely when I'm alone and even MORE so when I'm with a person who doesn't even care if I'm there or not.

My ex-husband made me feel desperately lonely. When he got home from work, he was either on the phone, on his ipad or watching television. Sometimes it was all three at the same time.

Well, I managed to find another person who is pretty checked out. He has no interest in my day or what I want or hope or dream about. I tell him things out of sheer boredom, but he doesn't even remember what I said. He'll ask me the same questions 20 times and never ever remember what my answer was.

He lost his job and then, without ever asking, decided he's seeking a new job in a different state. He didn't even ask me if I WANTED to live in that state or take into account the fact that I spent over $30,000 to move my stuff here and get my new business established through networking, licensing and marketing during the last 10 months. It's been a huge financial strain on my personal savings to get all of this done.

He didn't even offer to help me move here. He didn't even "try" to help.

So, when I tell people about this person and how poorly I'm being treated, there's a lot more to the story. Like how I took care of him during the darkest days of winter in Alaska - three months - while he recuperated from a triple surgery.

I didn't get to go anywhere or do anything because he was in constant need of help. He couldn't even drive or tie his shoes, for heaven's sake.

Nobody was around to help me take care of him, the house, the dogs, our tenant, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and then also trying desperately not to get depressed during days of little or no sunlight.

There was no laughter anymore. There was no one being nice to me. In fact, I got yelled at when my help was unwelcome at times.

And this was all coinciding with my identity being stolen and more of my money just disappearing into the mist.

So, when I tell you I'm okay and I'm going to be fine, I am. I've endured way more than all of this.

However, do NOT start my day each day with news of death, destruction and your mistaken idea that you've "ruined my life."

No one is responsible for my happiness. Nor am I responsible for yours.

My sunny outlook is just that. It's mine. You do not get to steal my sun or suck my oxygen.

I already had someone in my life that tried to put me down and make me feel bad about myself.

There is not a person in the world who is capable of doing that to me now. I worked too long and too hard to claw my way out of that terrible hole and there's no way I'm getting back in there.

I do appreciate advice from the people who know and love me. I know you're concerned that I'm not okay.

But the truth is I'm okay.

I might not be thrilled with the circumstances or some of my choices, but given what I knew at the time, I'd likely make those same choices again.

Hindsight is 20/20, but the truth is only in the present.

My Beebles. I adore this little pumpkin.

My poor Dallas. I loved that pooch.

Dilemmas, conundrums and WTFs

Spring. A time for renewal and fresh starts. I thought...

It seems to me, lately anyway, that there are very few humans who are authentically themselves.

They are the people who just go about their business, no pretenses, very un-judgementally wending their way through life.

They are generally speaking, much happier than most other humans, they are unapologetic for their way of living and they really tend not to give a crap what you think of them.

I like that in a human.

Of course, I'm not talking about people who are mean to others and then unapologetic, you know what I'm talking about. People who are just content to do their thing and if you want to come along for the ride, even better!!

I'm having a major dilemma with someone I care about deeply. Or I thought I did. It seems this person is not the person I originally thought. When a person tells you they love you, I tend to believe it. Love is not a simple thing, but it can be given freely and without reservation even when times are tough. Or at least that's what I was always told.

Even when my parents were mad at me, I never doubted their love. Even when harsh words were said, no one questioned the underlying love we all have for each other. Even now, when I'm "all growed up (hah!)" my parents get mad at me for things, and I get mad at them, too! But I never, ever for ONE second, question their love and I know they do not question mine.

My relatives are among the best humans I've ever known. I trust them and love them and I'd do anything at all for them to ensure their happiness or health or safety.

I thought that's what this other person was about, but it's not feeling that way lately. It's feeling really quite the opposite. More like I'm an imposition. Like I'm a burden or something.

It's not like I'm not industrious! Good heavens. In the last year I've moved across the country with all of my beloved art and antiques and plants, started a new business (which is thriving, by the by), continued my writing, made loads of friends, created a giant perennial cutting garden in the back yard, planted loads of beautiful other perennials to make this property a dream place, I've fixed things, had my identity stolen (yuck), lost lots of money, plan to make it back, have gone on several trips, taken care of the house, dog, a husband who had surgery, and in the meantime have also taken care of myself mentally and physically.

Those are no small feats.

And yet, this person in my life? It's a mystery why the words "I love you" no longer exit his mouth.

Unbelievable, really. And exceptionally painful.

I'm so hurt I can barely even stand it sometimes.

But the thing that I can know? Is that I'm okay. And that I'm not a bad person.

I'm a flawed person, yes. But who isn't?

So, it's a dreary day here. Springy and dreary. Aunt Flo decided to visit (ugh) so that's always a blast. And I'm here in the quiet with my puppy dog that I adore and I just wish to GOD that this person would wake up before I'm gone gone gone.

Dwelling on the past gets us in trouble. Always. If you're constantly mulling over what happened then, you never EVER will be in the here and now and I can GUARANTEE that your future will be as dull and gray as this day...

As my friends say, "Wake UP, buttercup!"

There's no time like the present to get your sh*t together...

That's all I've got today. Back hurts and I need some giggling to happen PRONTO.

Ciao for now,
xoxo

Cute little crab on the beach on Jost Van Dyke! He was hilarious!

Eeek!! I love this man!! Machio Kaku! He rocks my world as much as Carl Sagan did back in the day...

http://mkaku.org/

That is all.

Carry on.

Ciao for now.

Short one today.

Much else going on.

xoxo

Thanks for reading.

Be smarter. Always. xoxo

Happy early birthday to Alisha!! Thinking about you, honey! xooxxooxxox

A Message to Adults...BE KIND to yourselves!

That video kind of says it all.

For quite some time I've lived with other women. As a housemate/roommate for five years and then another stint recently for a little over a year.

Women are SO hard on themselves. And it turns out that nearly as many men secretly also sort of despise their bodies. Body dysmorphic disorder is alive and well. Or rather alive and UNwell. I  suffered from it almost my entire life.

Here's a wonderful essay about body dysmorphic disorder if you don't know about it.

I remember even being a child and feeling so huge and fat next to my skinny friend, Karen. I always felt like a moose around her. By 5th grade I was the tallest kid in my class, felt enormous, had boobs and had started my period before any of the other girls. I hid my body as best I could and stayed home when my period would arrive each month.

This feeling of shame about my body continued on into my teens and then into college when I finally became a full on anorexic person. I carefully measured what I ate and I exercised like a fiend. So much so that I developed severe plantar fasciitis in both feet. So bad in my right foot that I have permanent scar tissue. Both of my knees were nearly blown out, as well.

All because I felt fat and hated my beautiful, strong body. My genetics are such that I tend toward being athletically inclined - I have fairly big bones and lots of muscle mass. In my teen years and early 20s I saw this as a flaw. I was unable to be one of those waify, skinny, long-legged women that were in the magazines and also some were my friends. Many of my friends were gazelle-like, skinny and also athletic.

When I get athletic? My muscles respond by getting BIGGER. So, my bike racing and running actually made my thighs bigger. However, I weighed only 113 pounds. On my frame? That's bone thin. I see pictures of me back then and I cannot believe I looked that way - collar bones and ribs showing. My face was gaunt. I remember being constantly hungry.

I am 5 foot 6 and I currently weigh about 160 pounds.

I look good, I feel good, I rarely get sick. I'm fit as a fiddle, have strong, happy muscles (except for the groin pull!) and am very active. Hiking, gardening, kayaking, biking, walking everywhere...So, here I am about 50 pounds heavier, 25 years older and I FINALLY like how I look. Jeez. Took long enough.

I do my utmost to cease comparing my body to others' bodies. Most of the 20-somethings I know are unsatisfied with their bodies. They are "on diets" or go to great lengths to work out at a gym even though they're more active than 90% of the humans on the planet!

My point is that when we turn the tables on ourselves, it actually makes everything better. Instead of me resenting my muscular thighs and big, strong bones, I now celebrate them! I'm so lucky that I will likely not suffer from osteoporosis and that my muscles burn more calories than someone who is skinny but has less muscle mass!

Muscle weighs more than fat. It's a fact, Jack! SO, yeah! I weigh a lot compared to many other 5 foot 6 inch ladies. However, I can eat a lot more and still maintain my weight and shapeliness because of those big muscles of mine. What a gift!

When I became thankful for my strong, healthy (mostly) body, I began to feel different from the inside out. I ate better food to fuel my body, got healthier because of it, became more active because my energy got better...

It doesn't always have to be a "vicious" circle. Sometimes the circle can be kind and self-fulfilling in a good way.

My therapist beat it into my head that it's truly important to be kind to yourself. Be forgiving. If you don't treat yourself well, how on EARTH do you expect others to treat you well? And her main point was:

We surround ourselves with people who treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated. 

If you are constantly beating yourself up, telling yourself that you're fat and whatever other negative bullshit - well, that's what you're gonna attract. People who don't value you and appreciate the fine qualities that you possess.

So please! Please stop being so harsh on yourselves, people! It doesn't serve any purpose except to keep you down and make you feel shitty.

Ok. I'm done.

Please send good ju-ju our way. My husband is going in for surgery early early tomorrow morning to repair a torn ACL and torn biceps. Gonna be a long day.

Thanks for reading and ciao for now.

I love this!

A Poem by Veronica A. Shoffstall

This poem was given to me by a friend when I felt very very alone. I found some of my journals today and read them. In the journals were my ups, downs, trials and tribulations. Concerts, dances, love, betrayal (not just by the boyz, but also my own betrayals), let-downs, happy times and sad times.

I found these writings to be so incredibly honest and poignant, given the gift of perspective that I happen to enjoy now.

After so much loss, what the hell choice do you have but to just. move. On.

So, this poem is not written by me (I wish I had that gift!). It is written by a sage soul, Veronica A. Shoffstall.

It's called:

After A While

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn that love doesn't mean leaving

and company doesn't always mean security

and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

and you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain

for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid fight

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own

garden and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

and you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn

and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn. . . . . . .