The Good, The Bad and Then There's Him

So, the ongoing saga that is my life continues. Up one day, down the next. Smooth sailing for a time and then another round of bullshit with Mr. Sunshine.

He's truly one of the most ridiculously, outrageously, amazingly shitty human beings I have ever had the displeasure to know.

The reality of this cretin's existence is something to behold in the worst of ways. It's like a psychology experiment gone terribly wrong. My book about this will be juicy and amazing and will sound totally made up because it's so out there. The truth is, I am super creative but I could not possibly make up the scenarios, the illogic and the lies that this man passes of as truth - even under oath in the court. Lied right to the judge's face.

So now Mr. Sunshine owes me a crap load of money. It was court ordered to be in my possession no later than Friday, November 27th.

Yep.

Of course it didn't get here. He waited until I called and texted and threatened him with police coming to his brand new place of work to drag him off in front of his co-workers. THEN I got a response.

And the shithead didn't even call me by my first name. He addressed me like I was some utter stranger.

????

It's totally puzzling. And contrary to any logic that I can possibly imagine.

The way this man's brain works is COMPLETELY the opposite of any sentient being. I would trust my dog to make WAY better judgements than this person.

When the court explicitly orders you to give money to a person on or before a certain date? That's not up for negotiation.

As my last act of kindness when we were in court I did say to Mr. Sunshine that I would work WITH him if he could not raise the larger of the lump sums he owes me (that was the one due on the 27th).

Apparently he took that to mean that he simply could do whatever the fuck he wanted without even consulting me.

IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY, YOU STUPID SHIT.

ONCE AGAIN, DO WE HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT 

YOU DO NOT GET TO MAKE UNILATERAL DECISIONS?

Really? Do we have to keep going with this stupid bullshit?

Just do what you're supposed to do for ONCE in your pathetic, sad, lonely life.

Just DO THE RIGHT THING for ONCE.

You might even gain some personal satisfaction from actually following through and DOING THE RIGHT THING.

So, in retaliation for his shitty behavior, I have been doing nice things:

Volunteering at the homeless shelter where they feed up to 1000 people per day.

I'm also going swimming at a beautiful indoor pool with my friend who gave me free passes to do so.

Today I created lovely food that I'm giving to friends. 

And I'm going over to surprise decorate her mailbox with a giant bow of silver sparkly ribbon!

I also created two little arrangements that I'm donating to a charity event for their silent auction. That will be a $100 donation or more for them.

So, when someone treats you like shit? I say kindness and living a good life is the best retaliation.

I'm not saying go out and be a doormat. Nope.

Give the kindness to those who are deserving and appreciative. 

Negative creeps like Mr. Sunshine neither deserve nor appreciate kindness. Instead, people like that take and take and take and then take advantage of it.

I am so very grateful that I will never, ever be a person like Mr. Sunshine. He can live in his vortex of negativity, distrust and bad behavior all he wants.

That vortex will never suck me in again. And I've learned the important lesson out of this experience:

Beware the vortex, soul-sucking assholes out there, fellow nice people. Don't let them into your inner circle. Keep them at least at arm's length or preferably, far, far away.

I've married two of them. 

Never again.

So, that's all for today. I'm off to decorate and have some fun swimming!

Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo

The Difference Between Being Alone and Being Lonely

The view from our room in Tortola at Long Bay Beach Resort.

Triana River in Seville.

Quisset Harbor in Buzzard's Bay, Massachusetts.

Martha's Vineyard, Vineyard Haven.

Lady and Koty in a stream at Mount Washington.

Sadie and Koty on Boaty.
I miss my dogs.

You know, you never really can tell what it's like to be in someone else's shoes, so to speak. Our experience of life is singularly our own.

We all, for reals, are just alone in the world. We can have friends and family and all that good stuff, but we're products of our genetics and experiences and no one else has it exactly the same as you.

Kind of weird to think about that.

The first time I really thought about it was my introduction to Sociobiology; The New Synthesis by Edward O. Wilson. One of the most revolutionary books I've ever read on evolutionary psychology.

Thinking about free will, and how much a person actually has, was and is odd to ponder.

But in a way, it's also kind of freeing when you can let go of expecting another person to behave just as you would in every situation.

That, however, does not give people a pass for plain old bad behavior.

There is someone I love a lot who is not able to return it. He tries all the time. He tries hard. He "tries" to be nice and "tries" to love me like I love him.

But something gets lost in the "trying" because it's just not genuine.

If you are constantly seeking and trying, you're missing out on the being of it in the present.

I knew a person who went in search of herself. She traveled and did this and that and the other and meditation and yoga and spiritual quests.

When she returned from all the seeking, all that was left? Was her. There was nothing else.

She kept looking for answers when all along the answers were right in front of her face. She was too busy looking in all other directions and she forgot to just experience life as it came.

It's an interesting thing how so many people are always busy and have so many appointments and outings and going here and there all the time. The phones, the ipads, the televisions, the computers. This constant need to fill up every waking moment with stuff.

To me? That is sheer and utter hell.

I cannot STAND a constant barrage of things to do and places to go and the constant chatter of people and phones and television...

I like being alone. I like silence. I REALLY like quiet and just the sounds of the house around me or the sounds of the birds twittering and the wind chimes lightly dinging in the trees out back.

One of my most favorite sounds is the lapping of water up against the hull of a boat while I'm sitting in the sun watching birds or whales. Or the sounds of water against the hull while I'm in a bunk drifting off to sleep after a long day of working on the boat or in the garden.

I don't need music going or the television in the background. Right now, in fact, I'm listening to the fan, the buzz of the refrigerator and the sound of my little dog breathing deeply as she sleeps on the couch.

My phone is off. And I'm just typing. My back is tight from gardening all the time this past week and also from being tense after a not-so-nice interaction yesterday with that person I love.

So, being alone is fine with me. But I can be lonely when I'm alone and even MORE so when I'm with a person who doesn't even care if I'm there or not.

My ex-husband made me feel desperately lonely. When he got home from work, he was either on the phone, on his ipad or watching television. Sometimes it was all three at the same time.

Well, I managed to find another person who is pretty checked out. He has no interest in my day or what I want or hope or dream about. I tell him things out of sheer boredom, but he doesn't even remember what I said. He'll ask me the same questions 20 times and never ever remember what my answer was.

He lost his job and then, without ever asking, decided he's seeking a new job in a different state. He didn't even ask me if I WANTED to live in that state or take into account the fact that I spent over $30,000 to move my stuff here and get my new business established through networking, licensing and marketing during the last 10 months. It's been a huge financial strain on my personal savings to get all of this done.

He didn't even offer to help me move here. He didn't even "try" to help.

So, when I tell people about this person and how poorly I'm being treated, there's a lot more to the story. Like how I took care of him during the darkest days of winter in Alaska - three months - while he recuperated from a triple surgery.

I didn't get to go anywhere or do anything because he was in constant need of help. He couldn't even drive or tie his shoes, for heaven's sake.

Nobody was around to help me take care of him, the house, the dogs, our tenant, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and then also trying desperately not to get depressed during days of little or no sunlight.

There was no laughter anymore. There was no one being nice to me. In fact, I got yelled at when my help was unwelcome at times.

And this was all coinciding with my identity being stolen and more of my money just disappearing into the mist.

So, when I tell you I'm okay and I'm going to be fine, I am. I've endured way more than all of this.

However, do NOT start my day each day with news of death, destruction and your mistaken idea that you've "ruined my life."

No one is responsible for my happiness. Nor am I responsible for yours.

My sunny outlook is just that. It's mine. You do not get to steal my sun or suck my oxygen.

I already had someone in my life that tried to put me down and make me feel bad about myself.

There is not a person in the world who is capable of doing that to me now. I worked too long and too hard to claw my way out of that terrible hole and there's no way I'm getting back in there.

I do appreciate advice from the people who know and love me. I know you're concerned that I'm not okay.

But the truth is I'm okay.

I might not be thrilled with the circumstances or some of my choices, but given what I knew at the time, I'd likely make those same choices again.

Hindsight is 20/20, but the truth is only in the present.

My Beebles. I adore this little pumpkin.

My poor Dallas. I loved that pooch.

Dilemmas, conundrums and WTFs

Spring. A time for renewal and fresh starts. I thought...

It seems to me, lately anyway, that there are very few humans who are authentically themselves.

They are the people who just go about their business, no pretenses, very un-judgementally wending their way through life.

They are generally speaking, much happier than most other humans, they are unapologetic for their way of living and they really tend not to give a crap what you think of them.

I like that in a human.

Of course, I'm not talking about people who are mean to others and then unapologetic, you know what I'm talking about. People who are just content to do their thing and if you want to come along for the ride, even better!!

I'm having a major dilemma with someone I care about deeply. Or I thought I did. It seems this person is not the person I originally thought. When a person tells you they love you, I tend to believe it. Love is not a simple thing, but it can be given freely and without reservation even when times are tough. Or at least that's what I was always told.

Even when my parents were mad at me, I never doubted their love. Even when harsh words were said, no one questioned the underlying love we all have for each other. Even now, when I'm "all growed up (hah!)" my parents get mad at me for things, and I get mad at them, too! But I never, ever for ONE second, question their love and I know they do not question mine.

My relatives are among the best humans I've ever known. I trust them and love them and I'd do anything at all for them to ensure their happiness or health or safety.

I thought that's what this other person was about, but it's not feeling that way lately. It's feeling really quite the opposite. More like I'm an imposition. Like I'm a burden or something.

It's not like I'm not industrious! Good heavens. In the last year I've moved across the country with all of my beloved art and antiques and plants, started a new business (which is thriving, by the by), continued my writing, made loads of friends, created a giant perennial cutting garden in the back yard, planted loads of beautiful other perennials to make this property a dream place, I've fixed things, had my identity stolen (yuck), lost lots of money, plan to make it back, have gone on several trips, taken care of the house, dog, a husband who had surgery, and in the meantime have also taken care of myself mentally and physically.

Those are no small feats.

And yet, this person in my life? It's a mystery why the words "I love you" no longer exit his mouth.

Unbelievable, really. And exceptionally painful.

I'm so hurt I can barely even stand it sometimes.

But the thing that I can know? Is that I'm okay. And that I'm not a bad person.

I'm a flawed person, yes. But who isn't?

So, it's a dreary day here. Springy and dreary. Aunt Flo decided to visit (ugh) so that's always a blast. And I'm here in the quiet with my puppy dog that I adore and I just wish to GOD that this person would wake up before I'm gone gone gone.

Dwelling on the past gets us in trouble. Always. If you're constantly mulling over what happened then, you never EVER will be in the here and now and I can GUARANTEE that your future will be as dull and gray as this day...

As my friends say, "Wake UP, buttercup!"

There's no time like the present to get your sh*t together...

That's all I've got today. Back hurts and I need some giggling to happen PRONTO.

Ciao for now,
xoxo

Cute little crab on the beach on Jost Van Dyke! He was hilarious!

A Study in Mixed Emotions

Had a faboosh day yesterday. Gardened at my house and then spent a bunch of time with my excellent friend K and her guy at their house planning their garden. I also cooked them a special dinner as their son was headed out for a three day trip - his first ever trip away from home without the parents! Big goings on for both parents and the son!

The dinner was a cioppino of gorgeous squid, mussels and smoked oysters. I cooked it with chicken broth, red wine, balsamic vinegar, beer, onion, garlic and loads of good Italian seasonings - parsley, dill, thyme, some red chili for bite, some mustard, paprika and celery seed. It came out beautifully.

Then I made some flavored couscous and a spring cabbage, cuke and onion salad in a balsamic/mustard sauce.

Nom nom NOM!

None of these fine people really LIKE to cook and they had all this gorgeous seafood in the freezer, so I just did my thing! I like to make others happy. It makes ME happy.

Which brings me to the topic at hand.

After my day of gardening and being outside and getting a play date for my doggie with NORBERT the mouser (who, incidentally did not catch the gray mousie in my kitchen which is now in a Havaheart trap on the way across town!), I decided to meet up with a couple friends at the local watering hole that I love.

So, in comes this OTHER person who shall remain nameless other than calling him Mr. Cretin. So Mr. C comes in all puffed up like he usually does (mind you, NO one likes this guy. Can't name one person who would call him a friend).

Well, of course, he sits himself right down next to me. Ugh.

See, I know of a certain something that Mr. C did to my friend K (up there ^). I know of his lies and his attempts to cheat his ex-wife out of something and the lies that he asked my friend to tell on his behalf.

I also know of a couple shady business practices this person has going on.

He is a misogynistic bigot and, frankly? I don't want a thing to do with him. I've had go-rounds with this CRETIN on more than a few occasions. He does NOT like me because I'm way smarter than he is and his daughter looks up to me.

Well he started in on his name-calling and swearing at me and insinuating that because my politics do not align with his that I am dumb.

I informed this person that, in fact, I'm not a Democrat or a Liberal or a Republican or a Conservative. I'm an independent thinker and am very independent in the voting booth. His assumptions are incorrect. Period.

Then, I politely asked him to please stop talking about subjects that we obviously would not agree upon. I just wanted to visit with my friends and have a nice evening.

Well, this CRETIN would not stop. He would NOT stop. I even moved away from him physically - and what'd he do? He kept yelling at me across the bar.

Very suave.

Shocking that you're single, there, Bub.

Shocking.

See, I was there with FRIENDS. That like me and call me and come to my house and we really like each other.

You, Cretin-face, on the other hand, inserted yourself where you were not welcome.

So, what happened, pray tell?

Security was called (not by me) and one of the big, burly guys who is my friend, came and sat next to me and basically dared this CRETIN to continue his tirade of crap.

He was cut off (he'd been drinking beer and was getting a little, let's say, wobbly).

He embarrassed himself further by stating "You know, this country went to hell in a handbasket the minute we gave those broads and immigrants the right to vote."

Very debonaire.

Impressively ignorant.

Again, SHOCKING that your wife divorced you. Hmm. A real mystery there.

So, my thing is this. Today was the first day a woman piloted one of the Thunderbirds.

Yet, we still have to have this sh*t thrown at us. Like it's some MYSTERY that a woman can fly a godd*mn plane.

WHAT THE H*LL?

This makes me angry and sad all at the same time.

Why is this some big deal? Of COURSE women can do anything that men can do.

Of course.

Duh.

I've been saying lately that just because you have a penis, it does not give you some sort of special privilege in this world. But I guess I'm one of the few that truly believes it.

Since I was a kid people always kind of pigeonholed me as a "tomboy." I didn't want dolls or to play house, I wanted Matchbox cars and magnets and even a cap gun. I liked fishing and climbing trees and playing sports. I loved school and learning and words and my microscope and telescope.

Animals were always my thing - from pet spiders in the garage to the beautiful fish I'd catch and pet. Tadpoles, mud puppies, ducks, muskrats, beavers, birds, ocean critters, swimming, pretending I was a mermaid.

Never was or will be a girly-girl, I was and continue to just be a person with big dreams about sailing the Seven Seas and being out in the wilderness.

So far I've sailed the Eastern and Western North Atlantic, The Caribbean, The North Pacific, The Mediterranean and The Aegean Sea.

And the list continues to grow as I learn more and live more!

What I'd like people who read this to think about today is how we raise our children to be in this world. Don't automatically assume that your child wants to wear a dress because she's a female. Likewise, don't assume that if your male child is attracted to pink and likes sparkles that he's wrong for liking those things.

I didn't want to wear dresses or skirts. I wanted to dress in a practical way so that I could run and jump and play and do the monkey bars and dig in the dirt.

Kids are just people. We're all just people. All colors, races, ethnicities, cultures, ideas, dreams, souls.

If we could all just wake up and literally smell the roses, do our jobs, open a window, listen to the birds, enjoy a view over a lake or mountain or even just a nice sky...

It's not that hard to find the tiniest little pleasure in a smile from a baby or even a nice "hello" when you see someone.

Yesterday there was a woman at that same watering hole where I encountered cretin-man. Well, she was in a KILLER dress and had a rockin' body and was just gorgeous. One of those all-natural beauty types. She was probably around my age and she was stunning.

So, I quietly went to her table and apologized for interrupting. I told her that we all were admiring her beautifulness and that the dress was amazing on her.

I cannot TELL you how happy that made her! She thanked me about 20 times before she left with her friends. Told me I made her whole week with that one little compliment.

It is NOT hard to make others happy. It just takes the tiniest effort.

So. Whatcha waitin' for?

Ciao for now!

xoxo

Recent Activity and Other Fun Stuff

Heyo!

Feeling much more like myself instead of the angry ranty person that has been me of late.

See, I get very bitchy when I'm treated poorly repeatedly. After a thirteen year marriage where the last year was from HELL? I now have a zero tolerance policy for being treated poorly.

I'll put up with a little crappiness from my new husband because he doesn't know me that well yet, and I also am getting to know him more, too.

However, if you mess with me or my family or one of my best friends? You're gonna hear about it.

I've had dinners at a certain person's home - she's lovely and sweet and was very kind to me when I was so depressed I wanted to die. She and her husband were both very sweet and nice to me, in fact.

So, at one of these dinners, the guy, we'll call him Bob was remarking to his wife, Bobbi, that she should not have another glass of wine.

Now, this woman works full time, and also does side jobs to make extra $$$. She made us a gourmet meal in the beautiful house she decorated herself, replete with gorgeous candles, chandeliers and trompe l'oeille features in the kitchen. It was an incredible home.

If the lady wants a SECOND glass of wine. She can have a second glass of effing wine, there, Bob.

So, they started to have words at the table in front of my husband and me.

And, frankly, I let Bob have it will all barrels. If you wanna make a scene in your house with dinner guests, well, don't expect us to not HEAR it. Good LORD. Have some couth.

So, I said to good ol' Bob,

"Bob. Why don't you mind your own business? If Bobbi wants a goddamn BOTTLE of wine with a straw in it in her own house at her own damn dinner table, then she can have that, too. You're not her Father or guardian. She's a goddamn adult and can drink whatever the hell she deems necessary."

Mind you, this is not an alcoholic person. She's totally adorable and fun and gets tipsy on occasion because she weighs about 5 ounces.

I also understand that he may not like her getting tipsy or a little sloppy or whatever. Well, then he shouldn't have married her. She's no different now than when you were dating for 2 years.

(And he was cheating on his ex-wife, which is totally, you know, like totally COOL.)

So, yeah. You're perfect, there, Bob. Totally without blemish.

GIVE ME A LARGE BREAK!!

So, that's why I was ranty. I'm tired of other people telling me what to do or what not to do. Telling me what I can or can't say. Or that I laugh too loud. Or that I shouldn't wear my hair this way or that.

Or that if someone's TERRIBLE behavior has caused me about 40 hours of having to deal with the police, the Attorney General's office, the credit card fraud departments and my bank and BILL COLLECTORS even!

I don't skip out on my bills. Ever.

Nor do I intend to START, Verizon, who will not call me or let me speak with a human person i their fraud detection department. Form letters and the runaround. 

Well done, Verizon. Way to treat a faithful customer of about 15 years.

So, that's why I get angry. I don't want to have to spend my time on this. I'm a nice person who was simply trying to help out a woman who I thought was in serious trouble with domestic violence.

To retaliate? I've been aggressively generous these past few days! Giving away four bags of food, old clothes that I never wear, backpacks left behind in a closet...I even gave away a beautiful arrangement that I had caringly made for someone who also just left it behind and my old iPhone4S. Those are going for a charity that helps teens and adults in need. They're called the Pacific Northwest Adult & Teen Challenge. I also am donating about $1200 worth of clothes to three different charities around town, including AWAIC - Abused Women's Aid In Crisis and a few other fine charities. Even gave some of the cute things away that I had given to decorate this young woman's room. They were mine to give and frankly, if you leave a room in shambles and then leave behind 800 hangers? Well, I'm gonna give that stuff to people who actually appreciate the kindness of others.

No names. No pictures today. No bullsh*t anymore. I've had enough. So the more you are icky, I'm gonna trump that with excellence of character and kindness toward others who truly are in need.

"Be kind. Always and to a fault" - told to me by my Dad. Wise words.

"The best revenge is a life well-lived" - by somebody famous. Google it.

I say. The best revenge is to cancel out the negativity by being aggressively generous. Always and to a fault.

Thank you and commence paying it forward!

Ciao for now.

Preaching to the Choir

A peaceful little Veined Octopus that I snorkeled with off a beach in Tortola, British Virgin Islands.

I know I've been on a roll lately with my bitching about our failed political system. It's just going from bad to worse with the cronyism and the stroking of each others' dicks up there on Capitol Hill.

The people listening to me are the smart, wonderful folks who already KNOW this shit is wrong and that we clearly have NO right to take 2,400 acres of sacred Apache land to suck out some oil and then give the money to a multinational corporation that plays with Iran.

You all already know this stuff, and for that I am grateful. I'm grateful I have amazing, smart, talented, informed friends who teach me stuff every day.

We, my friends and family, are not the problem. We are independent thinkers. I may not always agree with you or your politics, but I appreciate that you've done your homework and that you vote accordingly.

The problem with this whole premise is to believe that your vote is doing what you intended. The corruption in our voting system and the presence of gerrymandering and hostility toward people of color? Well, that's a problem.

Do you wanna know some dirty little secrets that I've been harboring for a while now? I've got a bunch, let me tell you!

One is that there are A LOT of men out there that like porn. (Hahaha! Like that's a secret?!!) What you don't know is that there are a LOT of men, married with children, fine upstanding citizen types, right? Well, when their wives are away on business or pleasure for a week or even just a weekend? Well, A LOT of them (used to) go to video stores and rent a crap ton of gay porn. The real gross stuff with circle jerks and all kinds of grossness.

You see, back about a hundred years ago when I was a poor whale researcher, I'd work at a video store up the street from me to earn extra cashola in the winter months.

You learn a LOT about people by what they choose to watch. Likewise, what they read also speaks volumes (pun intended).

So, when the likes of Sarah Palin and her "liberal gotcha" comment when Katy Couric (God bless her) asked what Ms. Palin reads? And then there was silence.

Yep. Of course she doesn't read. She thinks she's smart because she calls herself a "maverick" and it contains more than one syllable.

I'd rather have Wyle E. Coyote as my vice president. At least he's entertaining.

So, when these "straight" homophobic jerk-offs (literally) are telling me that gay people are unnatural or whatever bullshit religious crap you wanna spout (again, pun intended), and then on the weekend, when the wife's at church with the kids? You run into my video store and rent a gay porn and then return it exactly 1.5 hours after you came (again, intended) in the first place?

YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE.

And, further, you're gross and living a lie and ohmygod your poor thing and your poor wife and kids.

See, it's this lying thing that really gets my goat. What the hell? Why are you so afraid to be utterly YOU?

I've often contended and have been told by many of my LGBTQ friends that I am a gay man stuck in a woman's body! And it's absolutely a very accurate description of me! I'm so guy-ish with my jobs and who I like to hang (pun intended) with and I have LOADS of man and boy friends.

Same with my best friends, and particularly my bestest bestie Karen who is JUST like me except she likes Hello, Kitty and pink and sparkles and high heels and that girlie crap.

I like shoot 'em up bang bang movies and getting my hands dirty and hard, physical labor.

But that's just one aspect of me. I also love cooking, floral arranging and being smooshy with my dogs and about any other critters you can throw at me. I'm emotional as all get out and cry at those dumb commercials and little babies who laugh? Send me into orbit!

So, the moral to my story is that no one is all one thing. But if we can learn to embrace those things in each other, we'd really be making headway with all the depressed, sad and lonely people out there.

I'm sure even Dick Cheney might have one redeeming quality.

There was a young woman I heard about that passed away last night. It was unexpected and the circumstances are still being figured out. But my heart just broke for her, for her family, for her few friends. She was a loner, a very sad figure. I'd smiled and said hello to her on a few occasions, and she just sort of looked through me while she sat smoking her cigarette.

I figured she had a lot on her mind and was in a bad mood.

Well, turns out she was a depressed, sad person. Away from her family. No friends to speak of and just filled with self-loathing. She had health issues I didn't know about and she spent most of her time by herself.

Had I known any of those things, I'd have reached out more and tried to help.

Last thing I'll say is that it's the holiday season and it SUCKS when you're alone and away from your family or loved ones. Sometimes even a person's family can be toxic, especially if they're judgemental hypocrites who don't understand you or your personal path.

Be kind to each other. Always and to a fault. Everyone is not necessarily happy even if they're smiling on the outside. And people are told that they SHOULD be happy.

"Don't cry, it's okay."

I heard that a million times during my bout with situational depression.

NO! Dammit! Sometimes it simply ISN'T okay. Sometimes things suck. Like when your dogs die and then your grandmother dies and then one of your best best friends dies and then you get in a car accident and lose your house in a divorce.

That? That fucking SUCKS!

Just acknowledge when someone's life is hard. Just be compassionate and try to just listen. Don't interject your own story. Ask questions. Ask if there is anything you can do to help.

It made all the difference in the world to me when my friend N & K reached out to me. And when my little cousin called to tell me she prayed for me every day. And when my Dad told me to have hope that  things would not always be so bad. And when my Mom would cry with me and tell me to please not hurt myself because she would not be able to carry on if I did.

I'm crying right now just remembering how much those little gestures meant to me. That these fine people were rooting for me and had faith in me, made ALL the difference in preventing me from committing the terrible act of suicide.

Thank you so much & I wish you a good day and the happiest of holiday seasons.

I'll keep writing. I just feel sad today about this girl and I need fluff and silliness for a while.

Ciao for now.

Gorgeous tangs feeding on the coral reef.

A Message to Adults...BE KIND to yourselves!

That video kind of says it all.

For quite some time I've lived with other women. As a housemate/roommate for five years and then another stint recently for a little over a year.

Women are SO hard on themselves. And it turns out that nearly as many men secretly also sort of despise their bodies. Body dysmorphic disorder is alive and well. Or rather alive and UNwell. I  suffered from it almost my entire life.

Here's a wonderful essay about body dysmorphic disorder if you don't know about it.

I remember even being a child and feeling so huge and fat next to my skinny friend, Karen. I always felt like a moose around her. By 5th grade I was the tallest kid in my class, felt enormous, had boobs and had started my period before any of the other girls. I hid my body as best I could and stayed home when my period would arrive each month.

This feeling of shame about my body continued on into my teens and then into college when I finally became a full on anorexic person. I carefully measured what I ate and I exercised like a fiend. So much so that I developed severe plantar fasciitis in both feet. So bad in my right foot that I have permanent scar tissue. Both of my knees were nearly blown out, as well.

All because I felt fat and hated my beautiful, strong body. My genetics are such that I tend toward being athletically inclined - I have fairly big bones and lots of muscle mass. In my teen years and early 20s I saw this as a flaw. I was unable to be one of those waify, skinny, long-legged women that were in the magazines and also some were my friends. Many of my friends were gazelle-like, skinny and also athletic.

When I get athletic? My muscles respond by getting BIGGER. So, my bike racing and running actually made my thighs bigger. However, I weighed only 113 pounds. On my frame? That's bone thin. I see pictures of me back then and I cannot believe I looked that way - collar bones and ribs showing. My face was gaunt. I remember being constantly hungry.

I am 5 foot 6 and I currently weigh about 160 pounds.

I look good, I feel good, I rarely get sick. I'm fit as a fiddle, have strong, happy muscles (except for the groin pull!) and am very active. Hiking, gardening, kayaking, biking, walking everywhere...So, here I am about 50 pounds heavier, 25 years older and I FINALLY like how I look. Jeez. Took long enough.

I do my utmost to cease comparing my body to others' bodies. Most of the 20-somethings I know are unsatisfied with their bodies. They are "on diets" or go to great lengths to work out at a gym even though they're more active than 90% of the humans on the planet!

My point is that when we turn the tables on ourselves, it actually makes everything better. Instead of me resenting my muscular thighs and big, strong bones, I now celebrate them! I'm so lucky that I will likely not suffer from osteoporosis and that my muscles burn more calories than someone who is skinny but has less muscle mass!

Muscle weighs more than fat. It's a fact, Jack! SO, yeah! I weigh a lot compared to many other 5 foot 6 inch ladies. However, I can eat a lot more and still maintain my weight and shapeliness because of those big muscles of mine. What a gift!

When I became thankful for my strong, healthy (mostly) body, I began to feel different from the inside out. I ate better food to fuel my body, got healthier because of it, became more active because my energy got better...

It doesn't always have to be a "vicious" circle. Sometimes the circle can be kind and self-fulfilling in a good way.

My therapist beat it into my head that it's truly important to be kind to yourself. Be forgiving. If you don't treat yourself well, how on EARTH do you expect others to treat you well? And her main point was:

We surround ourselves with people who treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated. 

If you are constantly beating yourself up, telling yourself that you're fat and whatever other negative bullshit - well, that's what you're gonna attract. People who don't value you and appreciate the fine qualities that you possess.

So please! Please stop being so harsh on yourselves, people! It doesn't serve any purpose except to keep you down and make you feel shitty.

Ok. I'm done.

Please send good ju-ju our way. My husband is going in for surgery early early tomorrow morning to repair a torn ACL and torn biceps. Gonna be a long day.

Thanks for reading and ciao for now.

I love this!