Post-Traumatic Growth

A friend of mine shared a link to an article in the Wall Street Journal about the concept of Post-Traumatic Growth. This is the link here.

And believe me, I'm not comparing my shit-show stupid drama to a person who's been in war or paralyzed after an accident. Not one bit.

What I am saying is that when your life has gotten to a point where you feel pretty much cornered and like there's no way out and then you start having thoughts about not wanting to even be alive any more (which is slightly different than being suicidal, but the result is the same)...

That really shakes you up.

When life has gotten so out of control you just simply want OUT instead of having to wade through the endless muck to even FIND the dark tunnel so that you may start seeing the tiniest pinprick of light at the other end of said tunnel.

Well, that's where I was a few short years ago after all the losses I endured.

I was so sad I was unable to be grateful for even the smallest things like having a bank full of money and friends and family that love me. I wasn't UNgrateful for those things, I was just too busy feeling sad and alone and miserable.

Grief is a funny thing. My best friend finds herself single after being with a man she loves and adores. They've been together for four years or more.

People are giving her advice on what to do to get through the tough time when you are packing and moving back to your old place or your new place.

The thing is? Nobody knows what's best for her or for anyone else!

People offered me advice ALLL the time.

ALL THE TIME:

"If IIIIiiiiiii were you, I'd go on a fabulous trip!"

I didn't want to go on a fabulous trip by myself or with anyone else. I wanted to cry. And sleep. And I wanted the world to go away and leave me alone.

"You know? In a way? I'm jealous of you! You're completely unencumbered!"

You're jealous of ME? F*CK YOU! You're married to a wonderful man, you have a gorgeous house, a dog, endless amounts of money and you're telling me about being unencumbered?

Yeah. Riiiiight.

Then there were the people who'd see me on the street or at the beach and they knew I'd just gotten divorced and that my dogs had died and had to sell my beloved house and they'd give me the sideways look and the "Heeeey. How you doin'?" fake concern thing.

Oh, that was killer. To be pitied. Yuck.

So this is the thing. The unsolicited advice? Keep it to yourself.

The sideways concern look thing? Don't do that.

Ask them what they need. 

Ask them what you can do to try to help make it better.

Listen to them when they're crying. 

Don't tell them everything's okay. IT's NOT OKAY sometimes. 

Sometimes LIFE SUCKS. Sometimes? It's just overwhelming and we need a DAMN hug. Or food. Or just someone to say they love you and are sad that you're hurting.

EMPATHY. 

Even now. I'm going through this pretty shitty time. I have no money. I'm trying everything I know how to do to get financially solvent again. I moved here thinking I was going to live with this wonderful man and have an interesting adventurous life.

Well... It's interesting. And if you want to say that having four jobs is adventurous, well, then I've got that, too.

The marriage part? Wonderful man part? Notsomuch.

I'm not having fun. And now I'm left looking for a new housemate because the one I have had for the last three weeks has offered nothing except the $650 she was paying in rent. She's been passive-aggressive to me and surly to my friends and family that have visited me recently. Even tried to tell me who I can have as visitors (race may be part of her equation. Not sure.).

And now she's just downright angry ALL.THE.TIME. She arrived home early from work yesterday afternoon while I was getting some billing done here in my room on my computer.

Well, she came in the front door and all I could hear were her exasperated SIGHS. REALLY loud sighs. Over and over and over she carried on. Jeez.

After my friends had flown in all the way from Boston, they arrived here at the house two Saturday evenings ago. I had forewarned the housemate about their arrival and that they were spending one night here (in my room) and that I'd be sleeping on the couch.

Pretty straightforward, right?

Well, they'd been here all of 20 minutes and she came barreling out of her room and made sure to tell the husband "Can you keep it down? I'm TRYING to SLEEP."

The rude factor was astronomical. It's a Saturday night. Not even 10pm.

Ever hear of earplugs?

Anywho. I'm tired of rudeness. Whether it's understanding that everyone ticks to their own clock, or understanding that everyone grieves differently, or that everyone has their own way of thinking about or doing things, or has different social needs...

We are not supposed to put our own expectations on another person 

EXCEPT to EXPECT 

COMMON COURTESY.

What ever happened to it?

Where'd it go?

When did we  decide to become whiners and entitled jerks?

You know, I didn't really experience this crap until I moved here. I grew up in Michigan and then moved to Massachusetts right out of college. People didn't behave like this save a few turds along the way, but for the most part? Pretty decent people I've come across over my 49 years over there in the Midwest and East.

Now, I'm generalizing here again - I don't put everyone in the same bucket... The people I've met who are the most entitled have been overwhelmingly from the West. I don't know if it's the wide open spaces and having fewer humans to contend with? 

I know they call us Massholes, but that's only when we're driving! When you get out of the car, politesse and manners are the thing.

I don't know. I'm trying to sort this all out and get through this shit-show so I can just have a happy, good life. I'm not looking for bells and whistles and being rich and famous. I just want a happy life.

So, I started with the Post-Traumatic Growth story and that's what I'd like to end with, as well. 

In all of the CRAP that has happened in the last three years? I'm thankful for all of it. It's made me happy to know that I can survive A LOT. I can get through it. I'm tougher than I ever imagined.

The person I'm divorcing has loads and loads of money. And the house and a truck and the dog and my beautiful yard. But he's miserable. He has one friend. And the only family that will talk to him are his father and his sister.

I've got pretty much next to nothing (monetarily), but I can EARN money. I've been blessed with a wonderful family, wonderful friends - an enviable support system. I have the gift of optimism, great faith, a excellent brain, strong body and healthy outlets for my anxieties. And my main tenet of life is to try to always be kind to others. Sometimes it's not easy, but it's the better way to be.

So, in the end who's happier? Who's got the richer life? 

Someone with a bunch of money in the bank or someone whose life has true meaning?

I'll take the latter any old time.

Ciao for now and thanks for reading.

xoxo

Leave People Alone and BE NICE

For PETE's sake.

So much has happened in the last 48 hours, it's making my head spin.

My friend who was moving out tomorrow is now moving back IN!!  : ) I am not at all surprised. Three years is a long time to just throw away. However, someone's gotta do his part in making things work. I think the therapy thingy is a great idea. Total support being thrown your way, sister friend.

She makes is other people's business about what she's up to because she CHOOSES to blog about it. However, that does NOT give utter strangers the right to make judgements about what she wants to do or not. She happens to be my best friend of 46 years. I do have opinions about things, but it mostly stems from my overwhelming desire to protect her.

When we were kids she was a scrawny little thing (she still is rather petite which pisses me off because she's over there eating lasagna and Sonic burgers and I'm over here with my lettuce and one tablespoon of dressing!!).  I have not once been scrawny until I was an anorexic, running addict in college. That was the ONLY time I was told I was "too" thin.

It sent a thrill through me whenever someone commented on how skinny I was. It was positive reinforcement for a very terrible secret I was carrying. 

The secret was that I was an exercise-bulemic person. It wasn't a thing back then, so I was labeled as anorexic, but I didn't mind the label at all. I felt like it was a badge of honor or something stupid like that.

So back to my friend.

I am an athletic gal with lots of muscle mass - so I felt and STILL feel compelled to protect my bestie over there. She's a flibbitygibbit and neurotic and hypochondriacal and all the things I'm not!  We are polar opposites but have always sort of shared a brain. Same sense of humor, same oddball taste in men, same love of the word and all things associated with bathroom humor (much to my Mom's dismay).

We even look similar and when we were kids we were IMPOSSIBLE to be friends with. We judged everyone VERY harshly and both talk a mile a minute. It's really hard for others to keep up!

We try harder now to be more forgiving of others, but it can be difficult - particularly when you date or marry one of our old flames! Majorly judgmental then! Gotta be expected, right? Hee!

I had to call her a while back when I was in traffic in Massachusetts. I had to pull over from the giggle fits I was experiencing as I was calling her at work.

She whispered "Hi! What?"

I said, "I'm in traffic. Big moving truck next to me!"

And she said, "What is it?" 

And trying not to laugh just hearing her voice is impossible! 

She always makes me giggle even when it's sad news.

So, I said, "The name of the company? A. Duie Pyle!"

And we giggled and snorted for about five minutes and then she whispered, "I gotta go. Boss coming. Have a meeting. BYE!"

And I whispered "Ok. Bye!"

That's the majority of our exchanges.

"Baybee mouse in kitchen. Watched me make a BLT. Will keep you posted!"

That was my email to her recently.

And I got back "I WANT BAYBEE MOWSE!"

And we giggle from our opposite coastal locations and continue being ridiculous 46 years into this friendship!

So, sometimes when you see cryptic postings on Facebook, most times it's meant for her. To let her know I'm okay and what's been happening to me over here in GODFORSAKEN Alaska!!

My puppy dog, baybee mowses, voles, mooses, bears, the baby squirrel who lives in my garden shed, the pretty songbirds in my yard that swooped in at sunrise today and are twittering in the plum tree and spruces in my back yard! So beautiful. Bohemian and Asian waxwings, chickadees, nuthatches, magpies, some sorta sparrows, hundreds of birds here right now!

Between my garden and the critters, I'm completely happy. I don't need human interaction even on a daily basis. And my bestie over there is the same way.

I have such issues LIVING with a person. Ugh. Living with people is terribly hard, if you ask me. I'm much better off left to my own devices about 99% of the time.

When I feel like being social, well, WATCH OUT!! I'm crazy social until I get totally burned out, and then I make my big retreat into my home, my yard, my writing, reading or even watching my favorite comedians online or the many DVDs I've got upstairs.

Which, natch, brings me to Russell Brand's new video about humanity and what it means to have good intentions and good will toward your fellow human.

I'm just gonna throw it out there because I used to watch those terrible, addicting shows about people behaving badly. All the Real Housewives bullshit on Bravo & the rag shows like TMZ or others.

They truly are bad for you and bad for everyone involved. It's a money making machine for rich people and it preys upon our morbid curiosity for how the "pretty people" really live. Well, let it come as no surprise, these shows are scripted and have story lines that the "actors" pitch to the producers. I know people in Beverly Hills who are real friends of the Vanderpumps and the Kyles and the rest of them.

Those rotten shows are simply a way for the rich to get richer and the rest of us to get dumber and be fed the KoolAid by the Koch Brothers and the rest of those assholes.

So, stop. Just stop it. Be smart. Get smarter. Take a class, read a book, wonder at the natural beauty that surrounds you each day whether it's a whale or a little tiny mouse or even an amazing insect like the Luna Moth I found the day before I left for Alaska! I had the whole restaurant marveling at this gorgeous creature, in total wonderment at what is sometimes right under your feet.

Here's the video by Russell Brand...I am his #1 fan right now.

Ciao for now!

Commence the niceness. Thank you!