And believe me, I'm not comparing my shit-show stupid drama to a person who's been in war or paralyzed after an accident. Not one bit.
What I am saying is that when your life has gotten to a point where you feel pretty much cornered and like there's no way out and then you start having thoughts about not wanting to even be alive any more (which is slightly different than being suicidal, but the result is the same)...
That really shakes you up.
When life has gotten so out of control you just simply want OUT instead of having to wade through the endless muck to even FIND the dark tunnel so that you may start seeing the tiniest pinprick of light at the other end of said tunnel.
Well, that's where I was a few short years ago after all the losses I endured.
I was so sad I was unable to be grateful for even the smallest things like having a bank full of money and friends and family that love me. I wasn't UNgrateful for those things, I was just too busy feeling sad and alone and miserable.
Grief is a funny thing. My best friend finds herself single after being with a man she loves and adores. They've been together for four years or more.
People are giving her advice on what to do to get through the tough time when you are packing and moving back to your old place or your new place.
The thing is? Nobody knows what's best for her or for anyone else!
People offered me advice ALLL the time.
ALL THE TIME:
"If IIIIiiiiiii were you, I'd go on a fabulous trip!"
I didn't want to go on a fabulous trip by myself or with anyone else. I wanted to cry. And sleep. And I wanted the world to go away and leave me alone.
"You know? In a way? I'm jealous of you! You're completely unencumbered!"
You're jealous of ME? F*CK YOU! You're married to a wonderful man, you have a gorgeous house, a dog, endless amounts of money and you're telling me about being unencumbered?
Yeah. Riiiiight.
Then there were the people who'd see me on the street or at the beach and they knew I'd just gotten divorced and that my dogs had died and had to sell my beloved house and they'd give me the sideways look and the "Heeeey. How you doin'?" fake concern thing.
Oh, that was killer. To be pitied. Yuck.
So this is the thing. The unsolicited advice? Keep it to yourself.
The sideways concern look thing? Don't do that.
Ask them what they need.
Ask them what you can do to try to help make it better.
Listen to them when they're crying.
Don't tell them everything's okay. IT's NOT OKAY sometimes.
Sometimes LIFE SUCKS. Sometimes? It's just overwhelming and we need a DAMN hug. Or food. Or just someone to say they love you and are sad that you're hurting.
EMPATHY.
Even now. I'm going through this pretty shitty time. I have no money. I'm trying everything I know how to do to get financially solvent again. I moved here thinking I was going to live with this wonderful man and have an interesting adventurous life.
Well... It's interesting. And if you want to say that having four jobs is adventurous, well, then I've got that, too.
The marriage part? Wonderful man part? Notsomuch.
I'm not having fun. And now I'm left looking for a new housemate because the one I have had for the last three weeks has offered nothing except the $650 she was paying in rent. She's been passive-aggressive to me and surly to my friends and family that have visited me recently. Even tried to tell me who I can have as visitors (race may be part of her equation. Not sure.).
And now she's just downright angry ALL.THE.TIME. She arrived home early from work yesterday afternoon while I was getting some billing done here in my room on my computer.
Well, she came in the front door and all I could hear were her exasperated SIGHS. REALLY loud sighs. Over and over and over she carried on. Jeez.
After my friends had flown in all the way from Boston, they arrived here at the house two Saturday evenings ago. I had forewarned the housemate about their arrival and that they were spending one night here (in my room) and that I'd be sleeping on the couch.
Pretty straightforward, right?
Well, they'd been here all of 20 minutes and she came barreling out of her room and made sure to tell the husband "Can you keep it down? I'm TRYING to SLEEP."
The rude factor was astronomical. It's a Saturday night. Not even 10pm.
Ever hear of earplugs?
Anywho. I'm tired of rudeness. Whether it's understanding that everyone ticks to their own clock, or understanding that everyone grieves differently, or that everyone has their own way of thinking about or doing things, or has different social needs...
We are not supposed to put our own expectations on another person
EXCEPT to EXPECT
COMMON COURTESY.
What ever happened to it?
Where'd it go?
When did we decide to become whiners and entitled jerks?
You know, I didn't really experience this crap until I moved here. I grew up in Michigan and then moved to Massachusetts right out of college. People didn't behave like this save a few turds along the way, but for the most part? Pretty decent people I've come across over my 49 years over there in the Midwest and East.
Now, I'm generalizing here again - I don't put everyone in the same bucket... The people I've met who are the most entitled have been overwhelmingly from the West. I don't know if it's the wide open spaces and having fewer humans to contend with?
I know they call us Massholes, but that's only when we're driving! When you get out of the car, politesse and manners are the thing.
I don't know. I'm trying to sort this all out and get through this shit-show so I can just have a happy, good life. I'm not looking for bells and whistles and being rich and famous. I just want a happy life.
So, I started with the Post-Traumatic Growth story and that's what I'd like to end with, as well.
In all of the CRAP that has happened in the last three years? I'm thankful for all of it. It's made me happy to know that I can survive A LOT. I can get through it. I'm tougher than I ever imagined.
The person I'm divorcing has loads and loads of money. And the house and a truck and the dog and my beautiful yard. But he's miserable. He has one friend. And the only family that will talk to him are his father and his sister.
I've got pretty much next to nothing (monetarily), but I can EARN money. I've been blessed with a wonderful family, wonderful friends - an enviable support system. I have the gift of optimism, great faith, a excellent brain, strong body and healthy outlets for my anxieties. And my main tenet of life is to try to always be kind to others. Sometimes it's not easy, but it's the better way to be.
So, in the end who's happier? Who's got the richer life?
Someone with a bunch of money in the bank or someone whose life has true meaning?
I'll take the latter any old time.
Ciao for now and thanks for reading.
xoxo
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