The Art of Kissing but NOT Telling

It's been an interesting time of it being newly single (AGAIN) and in the land of manly men who do manly things. Even the wimpy men here have a certain sex appeal since they are all out and about doing interesting things like fishing, camping, hiking and such.

The statistic is that there are eight men to every one woman. Basically it's like being a kid in a candy store if, well, you're interested in men!

I happen to be one of those ladies that likes the men folk. I like 'em in all colors, shapes and sizes. If you're nice to me and respect my boundaries and limits and my WORK (i.e. don't call me at midnight or 4:00 a.m. because you're feeling randy or lonely), then I will entertain the idea of kissing your face.

However, I've come across some pretty amazingly unkind behavior and just basically some REALLY bad manners.

What is this obSESSION you all have with discussing politics in public places? Can't I just have a beer and watch Monday Night Football without being bombarded by the woes of the world and the virtues of FUCKING DONALD TRUMP? What the hell? Please please shut your cake hole and please can we just discuss the football game and bad play calls? Or something? Please?

So, mens of Alaska, attention! Here are some tips for those of you interested in wooing a woman who has a brain in her head and will NOT entertain your rants and raves, bashing liberals or gays or Muslims or whomever seems to be your ignorant generalization du jour to hate. No one is all one thing. I'm not always nice. I sometimes struggle with listening and slowing down. We hall have our limitations and flaws.

Whoever told people that they need to be perfect at all moments has set all of us up for being utter failures. That doesn't mean you get a green light to be an asshole whenever you feel like it, but the idea that we can all just try our BEST to be kind while also maintaining our integrity? That seems like a thing we could all rally around, right?

So, these are my suggestions to make the sitch here in Alaska a little more civil and less "I'm gonna shoot you if you don't believe everything I'm about to spill out of my unshaven gullet." Here they are:

1 - Stop referring to your trip to the lower 48 as going to the United States. Alaska IS the United States. Stop trying to be separate. It's creates an unfriendly and stand-offish kind of vibe and no one likes to feel like an "outsider."

2 - Stop telling me I'm a "fucking liberal" who voted for Obama and therefore that's why your shoelaces broke and your dog died and your Mom has the Diabeeetus. We are NOT enemies. We are fellow countrymen. Our ancestors likely came over on the same boat from Germany, Poland or Ireland or wherever. WE are the People of the United States of America. WE are. No one has any say in this except the Native People who were slaughtered and sent to "reservations" where there was nothing but sadness and pain. Look it up.

3 - Stop bashing Native People. Stop it. You make me sick.

4 - Stop referring to other cultures by derogatory terms. Again, if it weren't for other cultures, this would be one BORING world.

5 - Travel. Get outside of your comfort zone. You should not be proud of the fact that you've never been outside of Alaska or the REST of the United States. Go look at a tree in Africa. Go see the Bridge of Sighs in Venice (not California, dude). Look at the art work in the great museums of the world. Listen to an opera (not the woman on TV, dude). Try spicy food (meat and potatoes do NOT make the world go around). There's a great big world out there that is NOT Alaska. Get out there.

6 - Stop telling me what is best for me. You have NO fucking idea what it's like to be me (really, you don't want to get inside this head of mine. It's a scary place!). I have panic attacks at odd situations like in the mall at Christmastime. Like when I get near the edges of cliffs or have to go over a long bridge in the mountains with thousands of feet of rock up and down around me. That scares the life right out of me.

7 - Try to learn what empathy REALLY is.

8 - Don't be threatened by my presence around your fucking husband or boyfriend. I don't want your shitty husband or boyfriend. I've got my hands full with the flock of boys who have been around me since I separated from my ex-husband.

9 - Please can we not talk about my stupid ex-husband? I divorced his ass for a good reason. He's a certified schmuck - let's leave it at that, mmmkay?

10 - Yes, the divorce is FINAL. Over. KAPUT. Done. Nada else. K? K.

11 - No, I will not show you my boobs.

12 - No, I really won't.

13 -Not here, not now, and not ever because you KEEP ASKING and it's tacky and demeaning.

14 - Don't tell me how smart you think I am. I know I'm smart. I have worked my whole life to learn things and to keep expanding my learning and curiosity. You might do well to do the same.

15 - When I tell you NO, it means just that. Stop asking.

16 - Don't make assumptions about my political views and affiliations because of where I'm from or because I voted a certain way. If you must know, I'm politically unaffiliated, but it is my privacy here. I am under no obligation to tell you what I think or HOW I voted, nor are you. And frankly, if you're asking, likely we voted on the opposite end of things.

17 - Religion. Don't ask. None of your business. It's a personal decision by each and every human (except those poor souls who've got no choice at all because of where they were born).

18 - Women are NOT inferior. We are DIFFERENT. Not second class citizens (again unless you were born in a certain area of the world).

19 - I love our military. My family has served every branch except the Marines.

20 - Just be nice. Try it. It's easier than being contrary and angry and nasty to your neighbor or acquaintance or colleague.
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