The Art of Kissing but NOT Telling

It's been an interesting time of it being newly single (AGAIN) and in the land of manly men who do manly things. Even the wimpy men here have a certain sex appeal since they are all out and about doing interesting things like fishing, camping, hiking and such.

The statistic is that there are eight men to every one woman. Basically it's like being a kid in a candy store if, well, you're interested in men!

I happen to be one of those ladies that likes the men folk. I like 'em in all colors, shapes and sizes. If you're nice to me and respect my boundaries and limits and my WORK (i.e. don't call me at midnight or 4:00 a.m. because you're feeling randy or lonely), then I will entertain the idea of kissing your face.

However, I've come across some pretty amazingly unkind behavior and just basically some REALLY bad manners.

What is this obSESSION you all have with discussing politics in public places? Can't I just have a beer and watch Monday Night Football without being bombarded by the woes of the world and the virtues of FUCKING DONALD TRUMP? What the hell? Please please shut your cake hole and please can we just discuss the football game and bad play calls? Or something? Please?

So, mens of Alaska, attention! Here are some tips for those of you interested in wooing a woman who has a brain in her head and will NOT entertain your rants and raves, bashing liberals or gays or Muslims or whomever seems to be your ignorant generalization du jour to hate. No one is all one thing. I'm not always nice. I sometimes struggle with listening and slowing down. We hall have our limitations and flaws.

Whoever told people that they need to be perfect at all moments has set all of us up for being utter failures. That doesn't mean you get a green light to be an asshole whenever you feel like it, but the idea that we can all just try our BEST to be kind while also maintaining our integrity? That seems like a thing we could all rally around, right?

So, these are my suggestions to make the sitch here in Alaska a little more civil and less "I'm gonna shoot you if you don't believe everything I'm about to spill out of my unshaven gullet." Here they are:

1 - Stop referring to your trip to the lower 48 as going to the United States. Alaska IS the United States. Stop trying to be separate. It's creates an unfriendly and stand-offish kind of vibe and no one likes to feel like an "outsider."

2 - Stop telling me I'm a "fucking liberal" who voted for Obama and therefore that's why your shoelaces broke and your dog died and your Mom has the Diabeeetus. We are NOT enemies. We are fellow countrymen. Our ancestors likely came over on the same boat from Germany, Poland or Ireland or wherever. WE are the People of the United States of America. WE are. No one has any say in this except the Native People who were slaughtered and sent to "reservations" where there was nothing but sadness and pain. Look it up.

3 - Stop bashing Native People. Stop it. You make me sick.

4 - Stop referring to other cultures by derogatory terms. Again, if it weren't for other cultures, this would be one BORING world.

5 - Travel. Get outside of your comfort zone. You should not be proud of the fact that you've never been outside of Alaska or the REST of the United States. Go look at a tree in Africa. Go see the Bridge of Sighs in Venice (not California, dude). Look at the art work in the great museums of the world. Listen to an opera (not the woman on TV, dude). Try spicy food (meat and potatoes do NOT make the world go around). There's a great big world out there that is NOT Alaska. Get out there.

6 - Stop telling me what is best for me. You have NO fucking idea what it's like to be me (really, you don't want to get inside this head of mine. It's a scary place!). I have panic attacks at odd situations like in the mall at Christmastime. Like when I get near the edges of cliffs or have to go over a long bridge in the mountains with thousands of feet of rock up and down around me. That scares the life right out of me.

7 - Try to learn what empathy REALLY is.

8 - Don't be threatened by my presence around your fucking husband or boyfriend. I don't want your shitty husband or boyfriend. I've got my hands full with the flock of boys who have been around me since I separated from my ex-husband.

9 - Please can we not talk about my stupid ex-husband? I divorced his ass for a good reason. He's a certified schmuck - let's leave it at that, mmmkay?

10 - Yes, the divorce is FINAL. Over. KAPUT. Done. Nada else. K? K.

11 - No, I will not show you my boobs.

12 - No, I really won't.

13 -Not here, not now, and not ever because you KEEP ASKING and it's tacky and demeaning.

14 - Don't tell me how smart you think I am. I know I'm smart. I have worked my whole life to learn things and to keep expanding my learning and curiosity. You might do well to do the same.

15 - When I tell you NO, it means just that. Stop asking.

16 - Don't make assumptions about my political views and affiliations because of where I'm from or because I voted a certain way. If you must know, I'm politically unaffiliated, but it is my privacy here. I am under no obligation to tell you what I think or HOW I voted, nor are you. And frankly, if you're asking, likely we voted on the opposite end of things.

17 - Religion. Don't ask. None of your business. It's a personal decision by each and every human (except those poor souls who've got no choice at all because of where they were born).

18 - Women are NOT inferior. We are DIFFERENT. Not second class citizens (again unless you were born in a certain area of the world).

19 - I love our military. My family has served every branch except the Marines.

20 - Just be nice. Try it. It's easier than being contrary and angry and nasty to your neighbor or acquaintance or colleague.
'

Man hater!!! Teee heee!

This is a Northern Gannet. A close relative to the albatross
and one of the most spectacular birds on the planet!
Photo by D. Leonard.

I was recently accused of being a man-hater or man-basher (you can choose your verb there if you like).

On the CONTRARY!! I adore men. Good men. Or men who are just guys. And even some that are Duuuudes!

I don't hate men at all. You can ask my husband. And my bevy of about 40 guys here in Anchorage that I have befriended! I have lunch with them, they come over and hang out and share music, they have dinner with my husband and me...

There are even a couple of young men to have asked me to be their mentors for their college aspirations and careers in science or music or art. They pick my brain about my travels around the planet and I've even gotten jobs for some of these kids in other parts of the United States.

So, nope. I don't hate men. And I don't hate women. I hate ignoramus idiots. And I don't really even actively hate them, it's more a simmering disdain that finds its way to these blog posts of mine.

Generally speaking, I get up early each day about 6:30am. I make breakfast for my lovely husband (who I adore, by the by), then I feed the doggies and we play for a while until they konk out. Then I embark on my morning odyssey of reading and eating and then more reading. I start with the news (which totally depresses most days) - politics, what Kim Jong Whatever-du-jour is up to, I always read my friend Karen's blog because she makes me laugh every single day, and I read a bunch of essays and articles that are sent to me via a writer's forum to which I belong.

And then I get inspired to do my rants on here because I'm here, by myself with the dogs, and they are terrible conversationalists.

The dogs are all "Whatever with Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren...let's break out that pizza!"

They're terribly uninformed those two critters. They are currently engrossed in the Christmas Bones that Mr. Big got for them (and I paid for them, incidentally, and I'm not sure how he gets credit due to the fact that he just handed them over to those drooling, gnashing little furballs!).

So, that's why I write. And I certainly know that I can come off as very harsh and I use language that would embarrass most sailors. But, that's the cool part about writing and what I tell my young friends when they ask my why I write this.

I get inspired by other writers' take on things and it makes me question my opinions. It makes me wonder how I got to the conclusions that I have and then, sometimes, it even makes me CHANGE my opinions.

There was a time when I used to vote exclusively party-line. I'd give a person the benefit of the doubt if they had a (D) after their name as opposed to an (R). I'm not saying I'm right about that, I'm saying that doing a lot of reading and independent-ish thinking and asking questions has taught me a lot about people and their intentions.

Living in Alaska for instance and having a strong military tradition in my family has taught me that no one has the corner on right or wrong or any of that kind of stuff.

I'm utterly bursting with pride with my incredible family, friends and their varied viewpoints and religions or non-religions and gayness or not-gayness...none of that really matters to me any more. I just love my peeps because they're my peeps.

I love them because they make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me frustrated sometimes, they lift me up and then kick me in the pants when I need it!

My friend Karen has been my best friend since we were three years old. 46 years of being BFFs is nothing to scoff at! We had our time when we didn't really talk or see each other when she was a party monster and I was a serious (overly serious) student. I didn't have time for beer or even boys a lot of times because I put myself through school via my brain! A full ride scholarship is not something to squander, so I didn't. Proud of my GPA and that I was inducted into some nice fraternities of scholarship and was able to travel to Europe for the first time because of my French studies.

Through all of that though, Karen and I have a friendship that perseveres even though we have rarely been in the same state for more than a few days at a time. We, apparently, need to be separate in order for the universe to exist! When I lived in MA, she was in Seattle and then L.A. Now, naturally, she's in North Carolina and I'm about as far away as a person can get and still be in North America!

Jeez, with the moving around.

Here's the non-sequiter warning! BEEP BEEP BEEP!

I watched a football game yesterday with my husband and his friend. It was a really good time and our team won which always makes for a happier rest of the day.

While I was there at the bar I felt this urge to talk to my Momma. My Momma is a hilariously funny, clever, smart lady and I didn't really appreciate the weird way I was raised until I got older and got a lot of therapy under my belt. She's quirky and odd and sweet and so funny that she makes me cry with whooping laughter!

Likewise, my Dad is greatly funny and has experience with amazing things like being the morning man on a really popular radio station. He's also the best improvisational jazz pianist I've ever heard and plays trumpet and sings and is just one of the kindest, nicest men you'd ever hope to meet. And he married the NICEST woman on the planet. I love them both to pieces.

Anywho, I talked to my Mom yesterday and just had such a blast talking to her! She continues to amaze me at how smart and clever she is. She's up there in years (I won't out her age!!) and still works as a voice talent on a local popular radio station.

Continuing the tradition of weird is my New Year's resolution. I wanna be weird, happy and to just wish well to my fellow travelers...

Happy New Year to all my peeps! Love you!