The Nitty and the Gritty

A cute snow bunting. I saw some today on a walk!

SO, the other day when I started blogging again, I sort of skimmed over the misery of the last couple of years. A lot happened in the last two years. A heaping pile of terrible.

The deep and abiding depression that went along with overwhelming losses that JUST.KEPT.COMING was the hardest part of all. Unless you have experienced deep depression, it is just about impossible to impart the feeling and the utter hopelessness that a person experiences.

Now, mind you, this is coming from a person over here who has been upbeat, optimistic, positive and downright cheerful pretty much her entire life. I have had some bouts of sadness, blues, and some somewhat depressed times in my life, but this? This was something else entirely.

This was depression like I had never known. Before, even when I was sad or feeling blue, I kind of innately knew that things would be fine and that I'd be fine and that my life was just fine, deep down. However, this time around, there was no hope or innate feeling that things would be fine. On the contrary, I felt that things would never, ever be fine again. There were no glimmers of hope. Nothing at all.

Of course, people that like and love you don't want you to feel so wretched, so they give advice and try to solve your depression away with ideas --

"Just call a friend and go out! You just need to get out!"
"How about online dating? Have you tried that?"
"How about taking a yoga class?"
"How about  going for a walk? Being in nature always makes me feel better!"
"Try to focus on the good things! Really, it could be worse!"
"Think about how good you have it compared to those earthquake victims (insert any disaster scenario here). Imagine how THEY feel!"
"Well, you wanted the divorce, didn't you? This is what you wanted! You should be glad!"

And my most favorite thing that someone said to me after my beloved dogs had died, my husband left, I had to sell my house and put all my things in storage, my Grandma died and then a good friend who I loved and adored ALSO died (and that's not even a remotely complete list of the horrid things that happened in the last two years):

"I'm so jealous! It must be amazing to be so unencumbered. If I were you, I'd travel, and take advantage of being so free!"

Uh...yeah. I'm just livin' large over here. Livin' the dream, man. You'd trade places with me, huh?

Riiiiigghhhht.

So, if you get my drifty-poo, next time someone you know or love is experiencing deep depression? Just tell them that you are so very sorry and that you are there for them. Tell them that you love them and will support them if they need or want to talk. Just listen to them and tell them that you hear them.

And bring them food. I dropped 25 pounds because I couldn't eat.

Don't SOLVE their problems with stupid cliches "Ohhh, it could be worse, you know! huh huh huh..." Or this favorite "God closes one door and opens another, huh huh huh..."

The only advice that was good and sound was that I should talk to my doctor about it (which I did) and try anti-depressants (which I did but I didn't find one that really helped) and lastly, get thee to therapy. I was lucky enough to find a wonderful therapist who really helped me get to the heart of a lot of issues and triggers. The most important lesson of all that I've learned through all the darkness - was to be kind to myself.

I'm still in therapy but the tone and content has changed drastically in the last couple of months. And, in fact a few days ago, I had tears of utter relief because I realized I was feeling fine! Not great, not yaaahooo, or yippee or anything momentous. I was, and am still today, feeling fine.

Fine, in comparison, feels like a miracle.


PS - the most incredible representation of what it feels like to be depressed is via the brilliant blog by Allie Brosh called Hyperbole and a Half. Click here if you'd like to see it. It's truly amazing.