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| This is a quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne's birth home. It is emblazoned on the wall in his parlor. |
I'm not sure if you've ever read Nathaniel Hawthorne's works - from his poems to his beloved Sophia to his master works like The House of the Seven Gables or The Scarlet Letter.
Sophia writes of her husband's work:
I am always so dazzled and bewildered with the richness, the depth, the ... jewels of beauty in his productions that I am always looking forward to a second reading where I can ponder and muse and fully take in the miraculous wealth of thoughts.
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| Another Hawthorne quote from his birth home, now in situ at The House of the Seven Gables in Salem, Masssachusetts. I lived across the street from HSG National Historic Landmark District for 20 years. |
What we need for our happiness
is often close at hand,
if we but knew how to seek for it.
This is on my mouse pad. I read it every day and I remember to be grateful for all that has been shown, given and blessed upon my soul. God is good, God is great, Yaaay God! : ) That was one of my first prayers and it still works for me!
Now, I ain't talking religion or some place you gotta go to give thanks. It can happen every single minute and taking pleasure in a beautiful vista, an apple or your puppy dog or a fine cup of coffee. It's the same.
Yesterday I found some writings that I had written from the time I was 14 up until just last year. I'll share what I wrote two years ago after I lost my dogs, my husband and my job. Little did I realize I'd also lose my home, my beloved Grandma Marion and then my Marcel and I was left holding a big old bag of shit.
Here's the passage:
The things that are completely
taking over my thoughts.
I cannot and do not feel like
doing anything.
My brain is no longer clear.
I am so fucking sad.
I am so fucking lonely.
I cannot concentrate or think in
a linear way.
I am constantly worried about
money.
I am constantly worried about
my financial security if I
cannot find a job.
I made a BIG mistake only taking
2 years of alimony. I was
NOT thinking straight at the
time and was in the post-separation
state of euphoria.
I worry about Dallas.
I worry about myself withOUT Dallas.
(
Will I get out of bed?
Will I feel even more lonely?
Will I just want to give up?
What the fuck am I going to do for
work? I feel useless and like
I have no skills.
Why doesn't anyone seem to care
except for my Mom & Dad &
occasionally Dan?
I reach out to people & they can
only be there for me for a
short while. They don't stick
around??
Where is Karen? Where is Penny? { (they were there all along) }
Where am I going to go?
What do I need to do?
How the fuck did everything get so
bad all at the same time?
Why did my therapist treat me so poorly
at the last appointment?
I need to sell this fucking house.
And then What?
Where do I go?
What do I do?
Who will even care if I
stay or go?
How do I start all over again?
How much longer can I go on feeling
this way? I can
barely fucking function.
This is so totally suck. I want
someone to help, but there
is no one. So, that leaves
me.
I feel numb.
I don't care about anything.
How is it that there are people
all around, but there is no one?
I need a break. One good. really good -
thing to happen.
I just feel so tired. And spent.
And overwhelmed and sad.
Am I going to regret this with
Dallas? I want him to be okay
and I want ME to be okay.
Will I ever feel happy and silly and
like myself again?
WHEN.
I don't want to wait much longer to
have me back. I don't like
this person. this feeling. these
thoughts that keep me frozen.
I am scared.
Am I going crazy?
Why won't this just go AWAY?
SO, yes. There's that. It's the age old dilemma of letting go in order to break down into a million shards of brokenness. In the break-down is the delicious task that lies ahead of building up from a place of innocence and grace. My Dad and Mom and both my wonderful step-parents told me to have faith and hope. Keep your head down and just plunge forward into that abysmal nothing and there WILL be something at the end. They all told me that. My cousins, my Aunt, my Uncle, a few essential souls that reached out to me out of nowhere. You all know who you are and I love you desperately for helping me when I didn't know how to help myself.
And then this morning. I had a friend over last night and he's a young and up and coming poet and artist. Nate is his name. Well, Nathaniel is his name...Here's what he wrote to me after I gave him a book last night (and it's hand written in gorgeous cursive like Hawthorne himself):
In the end, their was a new
Time behold, my emotion your
This treasure is more than I could fathom
Upon this time, my words may not grab them
Lost I am for this world
But this gift brings my hand 'for Saints.
His name is Nate Rank. Watchout world. He's on his way!
(Aren't words wonderful?)
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